Posted by Porker on December 18, 2000 at 00:34:28:
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'Tis the season, and again it's time to give them virtual gifts that I WOULD if I COULD. The standard disclaimer applies if you didn't make the list: You either shoulda posted more lately or shoulda bought me more alcohol (or heaven forbid a GIRL!!!) during the past 12 months. Otra_Vida - An all-expense paid (yes, including balloons, car washes and advil) 2 week parole from the ball and chain in deluxe accomodations at the Otra_Vida ™ Jacuzzi Suite at Hotel Las Cascadas. Oh, and some vintage HK company in a tag team jacuzzi match: the names rhyme w/ mandy and doobie(d). And some drugs that would actually allow you to feel like you got 8 hours of sleep a night since you wouldn't sleep a WINK for the whole 2 weeks. Tomas - A camera crew to do your filming for you so you can just concentwate on your own porno performance. Oh yeah, and a botella of your choice. Oh, and a babysitter for Bob so you could ditch him whenever you wanted. And pants that won't stain when you get JIZZ all over them - yeah SUUUUUURE it was MUSTARD… Tomas' amigo Bob - A record contract so you can share your musical brilliance (and salient musings) with the world. Oh, and 25 bucks so you can buy a beer, a pack of cigaros and do a street girl without leeching off of everybody in the Zona for a whole hour! Hippie - A trip to Vegas with the chica of your suenos. Huh? Been there, done that? OK, algo mas… How 'bout imparting instant Spanish fluency? Nah, then you'd never freakin' go home! Hmm… OK, A 3 day orgy in a jacuzzi room at Cascadas where the hottest dancers in CC history magically keep following each other into your bed. Pop - Favorita Invisibility. You can be at Adelitas and do anything/anyone you want and the favorita will never know/find out. Out of Towner - A transfer to the San Ysidro branch of your current enterprise. Sixspeed - Season tickets to the Lakers, Clippers, Kings and Mighty Ducks. Not only 3 hour game times, but 90+ minutes travel time to get home. A man's gotta schmooze in the bidness world right? Oh, and a sports pager to get the results of the games as you're pulling in the driveway in case you get quizzed. Batman - a seatbelt for the little kiddie stools at Pollo Bar. Buckle up for safety! Gitano - a 6 week DETAIL to the San Ysidro branch of your current enterprise. Strike Eagle - A loveseat in the alley so you can hablar with the street amigas in style. El Pelon - Nothing. Go back to fucking Thailand, see if I care!!! BASTARD! :) Actually, how 'bout a winner on a 7 team New Year's Day parlay? Ronnie - A jacuzzi for the Ronnie suite at your favorite TJ budget hotel. Net Nomad - The heart of la flaca. Amochichis - See above. And a magic monitor to view Tomas' webcam broadcasts after you have retired. Oliver - Bi-weekly parole from the ball and chain for TJ extracurriculars. TJ Hombre - TJ Hombre night at Chicago Club. All the girls will be working and you're the only guy allowed in and everything on the menu is on the house. NC Snake - A hearty thank you and an all-nighter w/ the escort of your choice worldwide. Lakers - A lump of coal. Ritmo - Your choice: A Sylvia-sized box of condoms OR the best health insurance $$ can buy. Oh yeah, and a bus ticket to D.F.! Aardvark - Three roommates for the new pad in San Diego. One each (your choice) from AB, CC y Ejecutivo. Rumrunner - A quarterly bidness trip to Thailand. Erip - A Revolucion survival kit complete with pushy waiter repellent, gender ID'ing x-ray specs, and an electro-shock device for your pockets and wallet. Oh, and 2 Andy Jackson's for that 'blow yob' in the dive's dark recesses. Taxi Bob - A loooooong vacation/retirement for a certain chica and loooooooong string of cheap flights for you! Curious - A month long TJ orgy that can make you miraculously forget any negatives associated with previous amigas. Rey TJ - Instant pin-up boy status among alley bar chicas - the monger they just GOTTA do! And DO and DO and DO! El Pensador - An open casting call for the position of Pensador fave. Minuteman - A bullet train from SD to the ZN to make more 'in n' out' visits possible. Diego - A hooker so fantastic she'll make you see god (and worth in the profession). What3ver - Free agent status at CC. Let's get ready to RUMBLE!!! Cuervo, Bumpy, Clamato, Frign Dope - 60 years of blissful marriage. No, not to EACH OTHER! Kikit, Pablo, and the Bay Area Dudes -- A true Zona NORTE: A full-scale TJ with all the TRIM-mings in freakin' Milpitas or somewhere. Matiz - A murphy bed for the little 'boom boom closet' at Pelicano reserved JUST FOR YOU (and your amigas, of course). No more screwing on picnic benches!!! Oh, and a portable voice-activated tape recorder so you can always have a way to record spur of the moment ideas for future internet posts. I stand firmly behind my right to give gifts that benefit ME!!! Shorts - New job as sex therapist for troubled Zona women. You know, help them work out some of their frustrations. Billy PV - Frequent bidness travel to various locations with the receipts to back it up. Redongdo - An apartment at Hotel Cascadas with a secret tunnel to sneak AB chicas through! Oh, and a blow up doll of CHARLES BRONSON for those lonely evenings at home! Powerslave - Time to hang out in the Zona whenever I'm there. Pman - The ability/desire to do 6 chicas per Zona visit. Think of the stats you can rack up in record time! Ahora 007 - Weekly parole w/ DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY from domestic 'bliss'. Cman - A hospice for all TJ stray dogs and a BB gun to ward off the bums looking to steal the food you give the strays on the street. Oh, and the time to hang out in the Zona whenever I'm there. Where you been man? Gato - A bulletproof vest and a peephole for your Hotel Leyva door. PhilTom - A FAT book contract (I'll be your agent???) and nice honey to help you turn pages on those nippy San Fran nights in August. Mule Lip - Super vitamins to keep up with the new kinfolk down south that keep kidnapping you and dragging you places. Tmonkey - A permanent reserved PRIMO mesa at Plaza Fiesta and bottomless cervezas. Rock - An evening in TJ hosted by West Fargo. West Fargo - Man, what can I give to the man who has EVERYTHING??? Driven - The funds to make a run at Wilt's record. El Fuego - A respite from all them damned women hounding you. I know, life can just be HELL!!! Oh, and my bodyguard services so you can stop getting your ass kicked all the time! PUSSY! SF Dude - a TJ private investigator to spy on all your potential conquests. Oh, and 50 bucks to seal the deal when you determine that everything checks out OK. TJ Researcher - A date with Tmonkey. Seriously, all the luck in the world for your project. Tight Fit - New job as a Quality Control Inspector at all legal brothels worldwide. Omega - New CIA mission within 2 hours of the border. And 6 months R & R in the land of Sammy Sosa after the mission's completed! Johnny - An on call hottie in every Zona club for those times (they can't really be HOURLY, can they?) when you get bored and just GOTTA get some!!! Krico - A hefty research grant for further studies into the mind, body and soul of the Mexican prostituta. Mark - A booth eject button for when the slightly skanky chica parks her ass there for a bit too long. Flaco - A TJ harem all equipped with pagers to be summoned whenever you desire. Kodack - A happy, prosperous new year with unlimited time, funds, and energy to try every hottie in the Western Hemisphere. Oh, and the sacking of Rick Pitino! Rick Feliz - A continued zest for la dulce vida. Oh, and some hot hooker to help you celebrate! Senor Panocha - An extra 6 hours a day to hit TJ without it getting in the way of things in the US. Juplo and Craig - A month off in the Zona and a fresh checklist of 30 bbbj girls to do before the month is up. Da-ba-da-ba-dat's all folks! Happy fucking holidays.
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