OK, so this isn't really a trip report. If you want to read a *real* trip report, read BillfromWedding's award-winning "Long Strange Tip."

I posted this just after the new year, and folks on the Mexico discussion seemed to get a rise out of it. When I wrote this, it was clear from discussions that there are many, many Club Hombre hobbyists who dream of purchasing... err... rescuing... err... impregnating...err... becoming...errrrrr..., **MARRYING** a working girl!) So, I'm re-posting it here. I may also re-post some of the responses to it later...
Happy reading.
Dogster el nefario

I married a TJ prostitute
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Dogster on January 03, 2002 - 21:46 pm

"I MARRIED A TJ PROSTITUTE!!!!!"
--by DOGSTER
Soon to become a major motion picture!
(dedicated to all the Club Hombre Mongers who dream of purchasing... err... rescuing... err... impregnating...err... becoming...errrrrr..., **MARRYING** a working girl!)

Here are few vignettes from my screenplay. I plan to make millions on it to support my habit. Don't worry, mongers. When I'm famous, I'll always remember the little people.

Act I, Scene I
(Chica-go-lita's Bar)
Dogster: (narrating) "There I was that fateful night, sitting inside the Chica-go-lita's bar. Outside it was cold and dry, but inside it was warm and wet... Ahhhh, but I'm getting ahead of myself already...
"There I was crying into my watered-down cervesa, watching the floor show along with all the usual suspects from Tub Hombre. I remember that the whole gang was there that night: CreamingEagle, Sakebum, Spewwho, CoolHamLuke, MilkMange, Guilty, Spurious, Clippers, At-ho's, 86me, The_Intern, the BigBlackWhiff, BillFromClinton, the StrokingHo-king (later known as the HikingViking after he took a hike), Breastcargo, NCDeadsnake, the artist formerly known as TJHombre, and the mysterious wealthy elderly Viagratized gentleman Crotchton O'Poole. My name's Dogster. This is my story.....
"It was a slow night. Most of the girls in the bar that night were so frigid that they spit ice. The gang and I were having an intelligent rational discussion about politics... when all of a sudden I saw her. She was a beautiful high volume girl, but I could tell immediately by her eyes and her natural(?) D chi chis that she was a warm, honest, interesting, trustworthy girl capable of monogomy, devotion and a lifetime of GFE BBBJs. There was an instant special unique bond between us.
"Como se llama?"
"Me llamo _____. But my real name is _____. Before that, my real name was: (interactive democratic part of the movie) a) Myra b) Ariceli c) Tanya d) Betty e) Tanya f) Jessica g) none of the above h) all of the above. You can call me ____" (Author's note: we'll call her ChicaX).
ChicaX:"You, me go to cama? Sucky-Fucky muy bueno"
Dogster: "Si. Quanto questo?"
ChicaX: "One hundred. but for you, seventy!"
Dogster: "No, I couldn't possibly harm you by paying you slave wages. After all, I'm an egalitarian caucasian American and am aware that economic necessity forces you to work here! I'm sensitive and I care! And here's some extra dinero for Waiter number 6!"
Dogster: (narrating) I was nearly blowing my load all over my handy pocket spanish phrasebook (I had already given away all my electronic translators to lesser chicas). She finished her $30 ficha drink, and we headed upstairs.

Act I, Scene 2
(Chica-go-lita's hotel room)

Dogster: "oooghh... augggg.... oooghh... auggg"
ChicaX: OK. You finish now! OK? Time's up! Tolachero!!!"
Dogster:"ooooooggggghhh! Wow. Really? Time sure flies when you are having fun. It seemed like only 5 minutes! How much for todo la (pa)noche?!!
Dogster: (narrating). She even left the towel for me on the floor, after she completed her quick sink cleanup. The 1/2 hour trip upstairs was incredible! I was in love! Not only did she have a wonderful personality downstairs, but she was a GREAT LOVER TOO!!! She had syphillis, crabs, herpes and HIV.... but the most infectious thing about her was her smile.

Act V, Scene 12
(Chica-go-lita's hotel room)
Dogster: (narrating) "We had many passionate evenings upstairs. After awhile, she would actually kiss me, and actually lubricated naturally, without that artificial goop. Proof that she was in love with me, and that our bond was special!!!"
ChicaX: "Oooh Baby! I go bareback for you and nobody else! You are my novio! (Possible Electronic Translation: A. Thank you for supporting me and all my ninos and ninas. B. Viagra works! And I'm a nymphomaniac. I love you baby! I have to go back to work now. C. cut, cut, chop, chop, snort. D. You are my novio! I geev it to you for free! I'm sure the doctor can re-attach that thingk when I'm through focking you.... I love you! I hate you! I love you! I hate you!)"

Act X, Scene 22
(My parents' house)
Dogsternarrating) I was worried about how the first meeting with my parents would go. The topic seemed stickier than the hotel room floor at Adelitas...
Dogster: "Mom! Dad! HEY!! I want you to meet my future wife!! Her name is ______, and I met her at a whorehouse in TJ!"
Mom, Dad: "Gosh, Son. We're so proud of you! When do we get to meet HER parents?! And when
will she start giving us grandchildren?"
Dogster:"Good news! She's already pregnant! Mom? Dad? I have a question for you. Should I encourage her to abort it? Or should I keep it? Or should I just turn tail? Choice number 3 is no big deal. I'll simply smuggle her back across the border, since she doesn't have a visa.
Mom, Dad: "We support you no matter what! By the way, her lawyer called seeking child support from you. Son, we're so proud."

Act X, Scene 22
(At the wedding!)
Mom, Dad: Son--who are all those scraggly looking dudes in the back? They use strange internet handles to ID themselves!"
(later...)
Catholic Priest: "Mongers:Speak now or forever hold your piece!"

Act XIV, Scene 39
(The honeymoon suite!)
Dogster: "oooghh... augggg.... oooghh... auggg"
ChicaX: OK. You finish now! OK? Time's up! Tolachero!!!"
Dogster:"ooooooggggghhh! Wow. Really? Time sure flies when you are having fun. It seemed like only 5 minutes! How much for todo la (pa)noche?!!

Act XIV, Scene 39
(Camera turns skyward from a comfy, homey, quaint yuppy little cottage in the Zona Norte)
Dogster: (narrating). "Well, thats my story! 5 years and 10 kids later, I'm as happy as a clam!"

Credits
(Cumbia music plays in the background)
Cast: Dogster, ______, (not my real parents).
Writer: Dogster
Director: Dogster
Producer (in more ways than one): Dogster
Cameramen provided by Vivid Video

Here are the various original responses to the post…

Re: I married a TJ prostitute
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Ben on January 03, 2002 - 21:59 pm

In Reply to: I married a TJ prostitute posted by Dogster on January 03, 2002 - 21:46 pm

"the most infectious thing about her was her smile'

i will always remenber that line.

Very Very Clever

Benwhowasnotmentionedinstory, but really didn't notice

Bent
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Dogster on January 03, 2002 - 22:24 pm

In Reply to: Re: I married a TJ prostitute posted by Ben on January 03, 2002 - 21:59 pm

Oops sorry.

...and in the opening scene, I forgot to mention the monger named "Bent." Or would you prefer "Benwah?" (You must've been upstairs, stuck to the floor or something)


Re: Bent/Gracias
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Ben on January 04, 2002 - 6:41 am

In Reply to: Bent posted by Dogster on January 03, 2002 - 22:24 pm

Thanks for my bit part Dogster

big part
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Dogster on January 04, 2002 - 7:38 am

In Reply to: Re: Bent/Gracias posted by Ben on January 04, 2002 - 6:41 am

Bit part??? Dude--In the movie, your "part" will be big, for dramatic effect. We find we can rent more videos that way. And if somebody bit your part, I'm sorry. Stay away from working girls named Lorraina (Bobbitt).

Re: big part /Dog Speilberg
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Ben on January 04, 2002 - 8:16 am

In Reply to: big part posted by Dogster on January 04, 2002 - 7:38 am

Thank you Dogster Speilberg for explaining my part.

Bent de la Vanity

Re: big part /Dog Speilberg
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Billfromreading on January 04, 2002 - 10:23 am

In Reply to: Re: big part /Dog Speilberg posted by Ben on January 04, 2002 - 8:16 am

...."Thank you Dogster Speilberg for explaining my part".....


Explaining your part is one thing, but could you please explain my motivation? I'm a method actor.


Nice post! I was at the wedding as an usher. {ncf}
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Ootie on January 04, 2002 - 4:23 am

In Reply to: I married a TJ prostitute posted by Dogster on January 03, 2002 - 21:46 pm

X


That was hilarious!
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Farsider on January 04, 2002 - 5:21 am

In Reply to: I married a TJ prostitute posted by Dogster on January 03, 2002 - 21:46 pm

Nice job. I particularly liked the roll call of site characters in Act I.


This script won't sell.
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Strangelove on January 04, 2002 - 7:47 am

In Reply to: I married a TJ prostitute posted by Dogster on January 03, 2002 - 21:46 pm

The time spent on sex scenes in this movie will be too short. A quickie here, a quickie there.

Upgrade now!
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Dogster on January 04, 2002 - 11:28 am

In Reply to: This script won't sell. posted by Strangelove on January 04, 2002 - 7:47 am

If you want to see prolonged sex scenes (brought to you by Vivid PISS Video), you need to upgrade to BenignWhackoSugarHombre plus membership. We prefer not to use the term "monger" anymore, as you will have, by joining, evolved into a true Ambassador of Healing Love. By joining, you move beyond stimulating the ...err... local economy; you will be Contributing to The *Economy of Mexico* and to the greater good of helpless third world people EVERYWHERE! (plus, you'll see some incredible chi chis) Reverse 500 years of oppression and JOIN NOW!!!!

Re: Upgrade now!
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Strangelove on January 04, 2002 - 13:25 pm

In Reply to: Upgrade now! posted by Dogster on January 04, 2002 - 11:28 am

Yeah, I got a similar promo from Hombre himself this morning. Which is the better deal, your upgrade or his?

But, my original point was, "prolonged sex scenes with TJ whores" is an oxymoron. What are you gonna make from five strokes and "fineeesh!"? Well, if you use a super slomo combined with multiple angles, maybe you can stretch it into a 45-second scene, but that's max.

Re: Upgrade now!
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Strangelove on January 04, 2002 - 13:28 pm

In Reply to: Re: Upgrade now! posted by Strangelove on January 04, 2002 - 13:25 pm

Oh, that 45 second is after a triple looping, something Vivid can help you on.


Thruth is always funnier than fiction.
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Daytimer on January 04, 2002 - 8:00 am

In Reply to: I married a TJ prostitute posted by Dogster on January 03, 2002 - 21:46 pm

Thanks Dogster for this hilarious script. It was funny to me because I have experienced some of what you said for real. I have to laugh at myself. Thanks for showing us romantics what the truth is through humor.

Dt


Additional monger parts
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Dogster on January 04, 2002 - 8:05 am

In Reply to: I married a TJ prostitute posted by Dogster on January 03, 2002 - 21:46 pm

Seems that I forgot some key mongers:
Oozie (out-of-Zona Kind’ve guy, in the role of [g]usher)
Strangeglove (Peter Sellers look-a-like wearing a giant French-tickler over his head)
Laytimer
SpreadEagle
Hardbark
Herppie
Ho-cannon
Backsider
Exploder8939
Taxibang
Vapidkang
DirtyOldSchmuck
JohnSolicitDad
Porndogg

Would any of you please be kind enough to be offended by this thread? I need to add some enemies to my resume.

Stop... you're killing me...
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Farsider on January 04, 2002 - 9:39 am

In Reply to: Additional monger parts posted by Dogster on January 04, 2002 - 8:05 am

No offense taken... Logster!

Deeply Offended
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Billfromreading on January 04, 2002 - 10:37 am

In Reply to: Additional monger parts posted by Dogster on January 04, 2002 - 8:05 am

That you would think I would be wasting my time drinking with you guys when I could be consummating my own love with my own truly devoted working girl.

DeadfromBilling
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Dogster on January 04, 2002 - 13:04 pm

In Reply to: Deeply Offended posted by Billfromreading on January 04, 2002 - 10:37 am

That must be an expensive habit. I'm changing your handle to DeadfromBilling.

Re: DeadfromBilling
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Billfromreading on January 04, 2002 - 13:20 pm

In Reply to: DeadfromBilling posted by Dogster on January 04, 2002 - 13:04 pm

Your right, change me back and I'll buy the next round. (Maybe I should have said commiserating my love - LOL)

No...
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Dogster on January 04, 2002 - 16:47 pm

In Reply to: Re: DeadfromBilling posted by Billfromreading on January 04, 2002 - 13:20 pm

In that case you are "illFromBedding."

Re: Additional monger parts
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Jocannon on January 04, 2002 - 13:44 pm

In Reply to: Additional monger parts posted by Dogster on January 04, 2002 - 8:05 am

"Ho-cannon" Glad to see you have given the correct Spanish pronunciation de mi llama.

Can you e-mail me the storyboards?

Obviously the best humorous post of this New Year.


Truly Humourous
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Kendricks on January 04, 2002 - 8:39 am

In Reply to: I married a TJ prostitute posted by Dogster on January 03, 2002 - 21:46 pm

That was truly inspired, Dogster! Subtle yet outrageous, funny yet true... I especially enjoyed the "egalitarian caucasian American" with extra dinero for Waiter number 6! The catholic priest's line was classic, too.

Kendricks


Re: Truly Humourous
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Dogster on January 04, 2002 - 11:32 am

In Reply to: Truly Humourous posted by Kendricks on January 04, 2002 - 8:39 am

Thanks, Tendrips. See my reply to Strangeglove a number of lines down.


Re: I married a TJ prostitute
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by SenorPanocha on January 04, 2002 - 9:03 am

In Reply to: I married a TJ prostitute posted by Dogster on January 03, 2002 - 21:46 pm


Very funny, but you left me and Redondgo out, or was that by design cause were so nice to everyone?


Re: I married a TJ prostitute
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Redongdo on January 04, 2002 - 9:32 am

In Reply to: Re: I married a TJ prostitute posted by SenorPanocha on January 04, 2002 - 9:03 am

Don't worry SP,

It's better to be feared than liked!

Re: I married a TJ prostitute
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by SenorPanocha on January 04, 2002 - 20:17 pm

In Reply to: Re: I married a TJ prostitute posted by Redongdo on January 04, 2002 - 9:32 am:


Thats no shit,{ my family} how the hell else would I be able to get things done around here ? You think my wife and kids do what I ask cause they like me? HAH ! LOL.

"It's better to be feared than liked!"
I'm trying to remember where that quote comes from. Let me guess.... Bitchy Norma at AB???


Re: I married a TJ prostitute
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by BigBadBlkWolf on January 04, 2002 - 11:11 am

In Reply to: I married a TJ prostitute posted by Dogster on January 03, 2002 - 21:46 pm

Tinsel Town is abuzz...can you say OSCAR !?!?!

Great job! Now just have your people contact my people and I'm sure we can work something out for my prequel and sequel appearances.


Commercial Break
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Dogster on January 04, 2002 - 12:48 pm

In Reply to: I married a TJ prostitute posted by Dogster on January 03, 2002 - 21:46 pm

And now a word from our sponsor! Brought to you by
DOGSTER PRODUCTS
Hi! I’m Dogster—the Dogster of Love!
I want to enhance your TJ bonding experience, and my exclusive line of products is JUST what you need. It’s guaranteed to enhance your erotic power whether you are looking for a gourmet lifetime meal, or merely a snack.

(Note: quite a while ago, there was a thread “ClubHombre.com: Tijuana: Advice/Questions/Commentary: Trip Supplies for an Evening South of the Border.” I included a post there some time ago, but I don’t think any of y’all saw it. So I’m including it HERE!)

Trust me--no trip "south" is complete without the following essential items.

Cucumber (in pants)
Breath Assure
Special whoring boots and belt buckle
Viagra (500 mg pills)
Toupe, with extra adhesive
Beano
Fake beard and sunglasses
Bright red Speedo/Spandex underpants
Kama Sutra oil/Tiger Balm
French Tickler (from bathroom in US strip joint)
XXX rated videos and handcuffs (gifts to chicas)
Letter of recommendation/current resume
Yohimbe bark
Extra cologne
New cell phone with silent vibrating ringer
Whips, midgets, Crisco oil
American Express Card—don’t leave home w/o it
Current health card(register w/local authorities)
Extra K-Y Jelly mixed with green food coloring and vanilla extract.

I'm not saying that every chica will respond well to this, but the 'special' ones will.

Dogster

P.S. ORDER the "complete package" NOW (!) and I’ll send you videos containing episodes of “TJ Hooker,” that great relevant TV show from the 80’s starring Heather Locklear and William Shatner. Guaranteed to improve your pleasure, or yer dinero back! This stuff has
been tested on JuniorPanocha, Dong-re-do-her, and the Sperminator (formerly BigBadBlkWhiff) and look what it has done for them!!!!

Dudes---Can you tell that I have way too much fucking time on my hands today????

Re: Commercial Break
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Jocannon on January 04, 2002 - 13:40 pm

In Reply to: Commercial Break posted by Dogster on January 04, 2002 - 12:48 pm

"Dudes---Can you tell that I have way too much fucking time on my hands today????"

Boss to DoNgStar: "And where is that project status report that you promised me last Monday?"


Progress
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Dogster on January 04, 2002 - 14:00 pm

In Reply to: Re: Commercial Break posted by Jocannon on January 04, 2002 - 13:40 pm

Ho-cannon:
I gotcher progress status report right here.
LOL


Re: I married a TJ prostitute- Request
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by SenorPanocha on January 06, 2002 - 18:29 pm

In Reply to: I married a TJ prostitute posted by Dogster on January 03, 2002 - 21:46 pm

Could you possibly write an extra scene in where Puke and BooHoo end up in a TJ jail together and do not have access to a computer for about a month?


Re: I married a TJ prostitute- Request
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by SenorPanocha on January 06, 2002 - 18:29 pm

In Reply to: I married a TJ prostitute posted by Dogster on January 03, 2002 - 21:46 pm

Could you possibly write an extra scene in where Puke and BooHoo end up in a TJ jail together and do not have access to a computer for about a month?


Beautiful!
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by CoolHandLuke on January 07, 2002 - 1:07 am

In Reply to: I hear he did write... posted by Drewwho on January 06, 2002 - 19:22 pm

And more than likely accurate.

Apparently, if you ignore needless and tiresome annoyances (aka scabs, Senor(ImA)Pussy, etc...) they go away.

CHL

Re: Beautiful!
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by SenorPanocha on January 07, 2002 - 8:27 am

In Reply to: Beautiful! posted by CoolHandLuke on January 07, 2002 - 1:07 am


I was here and in TJ long before you two little pillow biters and I guarantee I will still be in TJ long after you are just a distant memory.

Matter of fact, Puke, do you even go to TJ? I can't recall ever reading ANYTHING regarding your experiences? I mean what exactly do you bring to the game except to respond to EVERY POST with your trademark brownnose " I agree" " way to go"!

I got an idea, why don't you get some at-bats before you pop off so much then maybe I will take you more seriously.

As to your Rotund little friend, Drewfatbody.

I don't know anybody that overpays and lets himself get taken advantage of more by the chica's then you. You disgust me.

NOW tuck in those pajamas, straighten YOUR cap.... fix that TIE........WHAT IS THAT ON YOUR UNIFORM ??? a PLEDGE PIN.......ON YOUR UNIFORM !?!?!?

REMEMBER... I OWN both your little asses. YOU two Newbie Rump Rangers are MINE, and you will remain NEWBIE'S till I say otherwise ! NOW DROP AND GIVE ME 20 !!

You know you're my bitch...
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by Drewwho on January 07, 2002 - 9:52 am

In Reply to: Re: Beautiful! posted by SenorPanocha on January 07, 2002 - 8:27 am

Now squeal for me. You know the way I like it...
OK, if you insist, I'll slap that ass...
Who's your daddy?

Drew, that's who!

drew, the fat chica mark (oh my!)

I'm just crying all about that...

I hope you can do better.

a famous line comes to mind...
Webmaster: Hombre

Posted by CoolHandLuke on January 07, 2002 - 13:20 pm

In Reply to: Re: Beautiful! posted by SenorPanocha on January 07, 2002 - 8:27 am

"better to be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt".

You've removed all doubt, SenorJackass.

CHL
"Yah, well, sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand."

On the Mexico Chat, we seem to be going through yet another wave of posts about true love/marriage with working girls. Some of you are total cynics!!!! For those people who have SERIOUS questions about relationships with these girls, the passage above (my story) answers all questions. I should add that this is Byron's favorite post; I taught him everything he knows about dating in the Zona Norte.

Dogster, is it true that Byron was given the leading roll but had to quit the project due to artistic differences?

Thanks for reposting that. I'm a big fan of your work.

Dogster you need to do this more often! I'm a fan too I just hate wading through 200 posts a day that say "was that you?" and "I was there too!" on the Mexico board.

Now, if I could make you a convert like BillFromColombia...

Oh, pleeeeease!!!

Doggie is one of those dyed to the wool TJ guys that won't budge further south than Las Pulgas.

Anyway BonV, we want to be careful who we encourage to travel further south, before you know it, we'll have all kinds of riffraff like that Ben fella heading down there and ruining it for the rest of us.

Hah. It is just a matter of WHEN I go south (and become addicted to) South America... And it'll be all your fault.

Dogsterfromtj