Subtopic	Posts		Updated
	Earlier portion of report	117		2001/06/08, 02:23 pm

Estoy sin mi Amiga

"Did you sleep last night?" my Ensenada business client asked me. "Sure, why?" "Your eyes are red and puffy".

I wonder why my eyes are red and puffy. It couldn't be the hour and a half of crying on the way to Ensenada. It couldn't have been the letter from her that I read on the bus, although she asked that I not read it until I return home. Naw, it couldn't be either of those things.

I surprised myself. I never dreamed that I would take it so hard. I don't remember the last time I had a good cry. It could have been 20 years ago. I'm not sure why I was crying earlier today. After all, I've protected myself these last 17 months by repeatedly telling myself that I am not in love. I've told myself at least 100 times "I'm not in love!" And it is true. It is just a good friend that is moving back home.

¦

Last week I received the dreaded call. "What day can you come down and help my pack?" asked my amiga. Also, "Can you bring the car across this time? I want to give you some things." We agreed to meet in a couple of days. Hanging up the phone, the tension in my stomach began immediately, quickly followed by a lump in my throat. Might this be our last night together? That is an awful thought!

Two days later I was waved through MX customs. I followed the route the taxi drivers always use to take me to her apartment. However, unlike the TJ cab drivers, I did not change lanes 2 or 3 times in each block. I didn't make a left or right turn from the center lane. I did not honk at other drivers and then give them the "palms up shoulder shrug" No, I drove like a scared gringo, driving in TJ for the first time. I arrived at her apartment right on time. She was sitting out in front, on a step, waiting for me. As she saw me, she jumped to her feet and ran to the car, as I began to try to shoehorn the car into a space maybe a foot longer than the car.

"Tap-Tap" on the window. I pop the lock and she opened the door and got in. There was no "Hola" or "Como estas?" There is just an enthusiastic, wet, mushy kiss, the kind that only she can give, and that I have learned to love.

"Vamos a tienda" she says and further explains that we will have dinner in the apartment and we need a few things, beer, and a few more boxes. At the store, we realize that we will have to use the toaster oven, since the pots and pans will be packed. "Nachos and beer are perfect," I say and she agrees. We leave the store with chips, refried beans, cheese, an avocado, lemon, jalapenos, fruit for the morning, and some boxes.

We are back in the apartment at 2 PM sitting on the couch, having our first beer. I am starting to get into a funk because I'm not looking forward to packing and the eventual good-bye. But, she is very intuitive, sees that I am pensive, and senses what is wrong. She makes a suggestion. "Lets just have this one beer, and focus on packing. We can be done by 6 PM and then have the whole night free to do anything we want".

That was just what I needed, a goal, with a time limit, and a reward. We decided to start with the bedroom. In the bedroom there were several boxes. "We'll put the things going home with me in the boxes and the things going home with you on the bed". "What things are going home with me?" I asked. "You've bought many things and I want you to have other things. You'll see."

The first thing to go into my stack was a beautiful ½ cotton, ½ wool blanket that we purchased about a year ago. "You love this blanket. We have slept in it many times. I want it to be at your house," she said. No argument from me.

Next in my stack was a Lava Lamp. I had given her a Lava Lamp for her birthday over a year ago. She liked it so much that I gave her another a few months later. She wanted the original lamp, the blue one. I took the yellow lamp.

Next we packed her dresser. "Here" she said as she tossed me the 49er T-shirt I gave her, and that she had slept in many nights. In fact, she says she sleeps in it most nights. "I want you to think of me when you sleep in this shirt," she said. Well, since I have been a Cowboy fan since living in Dallas, I was not thrilled to think about sleeping in a 49er shirt. But, since it was her shirt, that is all that mattered. Shoot, I'd even sleep in a Packers shirt if she had been wearing it.

As she got into her underwear drawer, I watched her pack her panties, bras, a slip, a half-slip, and socks. Suddenly, I had a strange, but uncontrollable urge. "I want a pair of your panties" I blurted out, somewhat embarrassed. She paused a moment and studied my face. "Cuales?" she asked. "Tu decision" I responded. She looked into the box containing her underwear. Then she astounded me, as she often does.

I expected her to reach into the box and select a pair of panties. Instead, she slowly slipped down her shorts and stepped out of them. She was wearing pink bikini panties. She slipped her panties down, past her knees, stepped out of them one foot at a time, never breaking eye contact. Then she tossed the panties to me.

I caught the panties without looking at them. I was looking at the gorgeous Mexicana, standing only on the other side of the bed, now, only in a sleeveless shell, hands on hips, and beaming a smile. I was also looking at the nicely trimmed panocha that she had let grow since January because I like "natural".

In two steps, I was across the bed and kissing her, which was difficult because she was laughing. The laugh soon subsided as we both got into the kiss. Usually we shower before sex, but I had showered only a few hours ago and I knew that she had showered that morning.

Her slightly sweaty body was sweet and a turn-on. I loved kissing her breasts and especially between her breasts, with the slight taste of salt. The sex that afternoon was much more urgent and animalistic than our frequent soft, caressing lovemaking. After 30 minutes of oral and of fucking, we were both drenched, drained, and drained of energy. We settled into a light nap.

¦

As we packed the bathroom, the kitchen, and the living room more things were added to my stack. There were towels, pictures, and kitchen things. I don't really need any of the items, but they are things that she wanted me to have. They are things that I will always have. There was enough to fill the back seat and the passenger seat of the car.

At 7 PM we finished packing the boxes and the car. We turned our attention to fixing and enjoying the nachos and the beer. As we ate, the conversation turned serious. Would I come to see her? Did I want her to visit me? Deep down, what did I think of her work in TJ? Should she ever tell anyone about TJ?

As we discussed these things, important to her, I knew that I was her best friend. These were things that she could only discuss with me. I felt extremely close to her.

About 9 PM we headed to a neighborhood bar. The sadness of saying good-bye was again setting in and we needed to be around people. At midnight, we were back in the apartment, showered, and in bed. The sex this time was sweet, tender, and slow.

I have become very comfortable sleeping with her. In fact, I sleep better with her than without her. Dropping off to sleep, I peaked at the clock. It was 1:20 AM. At 3 AM, I was not sleeping very soundly because I was awakened by the trembling of her body, and then by the sound of her sobbing. I did not say anything. There was nothing to say. I simply held her closer.

In the morning, I was pressed for time. I had a 12-noon appointment in Ensenada. I had to take my car across the border, through customs, park, re-cross the border, and take the bus to Ensenada. I was up at 7:30 AM, showered, dressed, eaten, and at 8:30 I was kissing her in the doorway. We hugged and vowed to be together within a month. As I started to walk to where the car was parked, she called me back and handed me a letter. She said not to read it until I returned home.

Approaching the customs agent at the border, I must have been a strange site … a new, shiny luxury car, driven by an obvious gringo, loaded with stuff.

"Been shopping?" the agent said. I looked up, eyes tearing. "My girlfriend is going back home…". "Go ahead" he said.

Whistler,
I have in a way precariously experienced these eighteen months thru you and your writings and never once thought you were “not” in love when you said you weren’t. The many e-mails, beers and more beers we shared always lead me to believe that the both of you were sincere in your feelings for each other. It was only a matter of logistics and your hang-up (not hers) of the age difference. Maybe living on a ranch in the middle of Mex might not be so bad, just don’t forget your lava lamp and batteries.
Good luck amigo.
Tequila Please

PS. For those of you that may feel these writings from Whistler may be fiction, have another beer and don’t think anymore

Whistler, you've brought tears to my eyes with your last letter. I kept thinking and hoping this day would not come for you. I have received alot of encouragement from you with your relationship with your novia and it has helped me alot in pursuing mine. I am sure she is as brokenhearted over this as you are and if you are so inclined I believe you ought to at least visit her at home with an openmind to the possibility of at least living part time down there. I don't know if this is an option for you in your present work, but it sounds like you do business in Mexico and there are many opportunities for bilingual professionals. What would it mean for the quality of her life for you to be there with her? Everything we do and where we live and work is just habit. All of those things can be changed. Some things are worth it.

I apologize for giving unsolicited advice...it's just that you and your novia sound like great people that deserve to be happy. And it sounds like neither of you is too happy with the present separation. You gotta do something!

Adelito, your input is always welcome.

For sure, I will see her again. But, the future is very uncertain. As much as I care for her, I am not ready to ask her to move in with me in the U.S. I'm also not able to leave everything and move to MX. My work only takes me to Ensenada. I only have a conversational level of Spanish, far from bilingual.

Thinking of her, she has never been married. The best thing would be for her to meet a young MX professional, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after. When that happens, I'll step aside as her best friend. But, until that time, I guess anything is possible. When I do go down and visit her, I already know that the urge to stay will be huge. But, she has not asked me to consider that option.

I don't think you should say the best thing for her would be to find a young Mexican guy and marry him. She is already in love with you and you are with her...even if you don't want to admit it. You've been close to her for 17 months. It's OK to admit you love her. Your mutual love came through loud and clear in those wonderful posts you shared with us here.
And forget about the age thing already...it doesn't matter. It certanly sounds like she finds you plenty attractive, and it is very common in latin culture for the woman to be quite a bit younger than her husband.
I think you have done something quite extraordinary here. You have managed to do something more difficult than building a relationship with a "regular", "American" girl. You've developed a loving relationship in a place where that is nearly impossible. You don't speak the same language, yet you've been able to communicate your feelings. You've taken a girl that gets hit on by countless guys, yet it's you she wants to spend her time with. Don't let it all slip away. Maybe this is a test...and the way to pass the test is pursue her.

Again, I don't know what I am talking about...I'm just throwing ideas out there to you, but remember how much time you've spent cultivating this relationship. I don't think you really want to throw that all away. Email me some time

Adelito, honestly, I don't know what I am talking about either. One day I am heartsick. The next day I'm excited about the new possibilities in life. Too bad things couldn't be simplier.

Everything you say is true. But, I can't bring myself to make a commitment to her. Going to see her for longer than a visit or asking her to stay for longer than a visit, is a level of commitment. I have trouble with committing.

We had it perfect in TJ, being together 1-2 days a week. Even though I am way beyond the settling down stage, I don't have confidence that I can settle down. And, she deserves someone that will be devoted to her.

Thanks very much for your excellent input.

Is there any chance that she will come back to work in TJ once in awhile? I know one beautiful girl that nobody else on this board seems to like that works at AB for a couple weeks at a time, then returns home for a month or 2, and then comes back again for a couple weeks. Her kids stay at home when she is here...she makes some quick cash then goes back to the family. The reason I ask this is in your last post you said it was a perfect situation when she was here, so maybe you could urge her to do this.

Whistler

Been following your "journey" for God knows how long. Reading your posts I know that you and I have a lot in common. I too have danced with this same devil. I had a relationship with a wonderful woman that lasted for months. She would leave work early and spend days with me if I was able to come to town. I met her family and she never asked me for money once while we dated (even paid for lots of dinners/rooms). All in all a wonderful experience.

So, speaking from experience DON'T FUCK THIS UP. The lives we lead as sires/mongers throughout the world are a major portion of who we are. My girl understood who I was, what I have done in my life and was accepting of that. Your lady understands the same.

Think about it - how much time do you spend on this board a month? How many days a year are spent planning, executing and bragging about all the women we have, are, and will bang? This is not a little hobby you had back in grade school. Paying for sex with brown girls has shaped who you are and made it's mark on you. You cannot reverse these changes (nor should you try). Your young lady has seen the most objectionable behavior you have and ACCEPTS that side of you. She may not approve of you continuing your sexcapades, but she understands and accepts.

You are in far deeper then I was. I did not have the same amount of time with my girl, nor did I take her home. I can tell you I still miss her to this day and it frustrates me to no end knowing I let her get away without more effort on my part. She knew who I was, what I did, and accepted it. She wasn't particularly fond of that part of my life, but when you consider the line of work she was in there was not much she could say (she had a thread on the old RS board).

She's seen the skeletons in your closet and you've seen hers. I guarantee there is no other woman that understands you better then her (nor will you be able to find one...).

I have a date with a woman this evening. We're gonna go out to a movie and have some dinner. I can tell you this fact: if she finds out I've been with lots of hookers (I lost track after the first 100 or so) it's over. I like her and will do all I can to make her mine because she's a wonderful woman, but for most ladies our lifestyle leads to "GAME OVER". Yours understands that you've laid more pipe then a city full of plumbers and still loves you. She didn't do all the work required to come across the US border so she could go to WalMart. She did it for you and her and a chance at a better life for both of you.

"It is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved before." That line doesn't mean shit when you let her just walk away like this. You have within your power to make the magic happen. You will never have a moment like this again. Think of it as a test from "the fates".

I'm not saying run out and marry her today, but she does have access to the US. Bring her to your house and have her live with you for a month. She can see if she likes America and you can see if coming home from work everyday to a woman that loves you seems worth your time and effort. If it's not for you, then she goes back home and you then know it wasn't for you. If you like it then try it a few more times with longer stays at the house. Get used to having her around. You might find it a habit worth keeping.

Hell, I don't know. Maybe I'm just blowing smoke. Anyway, that's just my 2 cents. Good luck with this. I hope this works out for you. If I ever bump into you down south I'll buy you a beer (sounds like you could use it...).

Regards,
E

E, you're right. I could use a beer. And, you are right on many other points. I'll see how it goes on the first visit or two and start to stretch those out into longer visits. The separation of 4 weeks and then a visit, and another separation and another visit will be good indicators.

It is good that she is back home because it gives both of us the opportunity to get some clarity.For many reasons, the TJ situation is a poor environment for a relationship to be developed.

Your comment that she has seen the worst part of me (mongering) is true. That is a sticking point with both of us. Neither she or I know if I could forever give up mongering. I know from past discussions that she would not tolerate any slip-ups. I would have to go into any commitment with 100% intention and confidence that I would be faithful. That is huge!

Good luck on yopur date tonight. Thanks for the excellent post.

I promised a few guys on the board that I would post if there were any significant developments in my Latin adventures. Well, big changes for me are coming fast. Here is the update.

First, my AB amiga of 16 months (see above) is living happily in her hometown, after a 2 year stint at AB. As I expected, she is now seeing a successful hometown guy that has no idea of the TJ thing.

I have seen her once since she left. She flew into TJ a month after leaving and we had a great reunion. But, we haven't repeated. She has not come back and I have not gone to see her. It is not that the visit wasn't good. But, the time together was not beneficial for either of our emotions. At that time, we were both trying to get over the emotional and physical dependence we had on each other.

Although I haven't seen her in 6 months, we have stayed in close contact, with weekly emails and a phone call every 2 weeks. She has taken the most initiative to stay in contact. The female psyche is sometimes hard to understand. Our romantic involvement has ended, by mutual agreement. Yet, she wants the contact, even with the current hometown romance.

Ironically, life's twists and turns will have me spending the end of January and the whole month of February in Guadalajara, close enough for weekend visits with her. Does she know that I'm coming? Yes. Have we agreed to see each other? No.

I'm sure that she senses my reluctance. I have many reasons not to see her. A big one is my plans after February. I'm taking the month of March off and traveling south. The confirmed itinerary is San Jose, Quito, Lima, Santiago, Buenos Aires, and Montevideo. Caracas and possibly a city in Columbia may be added.

My quest is to answer for myself "Where are the most beautiful, passionate, caring, and fun women in Latin America?" I'll post my findings.

Anyone wanting my email address please contact me through the ClubHombre inbox.

Wishing all of you a great 2002,

Whistler