First Timer Trip Report! “Long Strange Drip” (Dogster Productions)

Originally posted by Dogster on March 20, 2002 - 18:53 pm
- Mexico Chat

Hola Dudes! I decided to go to TJ for the first time! Here’s what happened! I’m new so don’t flame me, OK?

Drove down to TJ and parked my car somewhere. I’m not sure where. I’ll go back and find it tomorrow.

I went to one of the pharmacies to buy some vitamin V. Never tried viagra before but I thought, why not? I heard I could get it in TJ cheap. The guy said he’d sell me a 100mg tablet for $200. Wow. Dudes! That’s only $2 a mg. So I realized that I better buy the thing before he changed his mind. I swallowed the tablet right away.

Walked across the pedestrian bridge to the arch, crossed the street, walked another block, turned right, walked a few blocks. Things didn’t seem right. I wasn’t sure where I was, so I went back to the border. Everything seemed so… blue.

Didn’t trust the yellow taxi drivers so I went to a side street. I found a guy with an honest face. He had a brand new very blue Pontiac with Juarez license plates. On the hood of the car, there was a big painting of a horny eagle! Pretty cool! I figured anybody who drives a car that cool has got to be honest. He said that he “acquired” the car from some old gringo in Juarez, who now happened to be locked in the trunk. Hah! Very funny, I thought. He agreed to drive me to Adelita’s for $10.

The taxi guy said that he knew of a better place than Adelitas. I think he said something about watching TV, so I said OK! Anyway, he dropped me off at a place called the Kinkle Bar. There I met…

Ramona (KB)

Met a very tall bearded chica named Ramona. We went to a room, turned the lights off. It was wild. Ramona was different! She had the biggest clitoris I’ve ever touched—six inches long! Anyway, I saw this girl’s health card, and her name really was Ramona. Well, close. On the card it said “Ramon Arrellano-Felix.” Apparently there was a problem with Ramona’s “a”. I think she said that sheit was saving $ to become a pharmacist. When we finished she insisted on cleaning up all the DNA evidence. Some day I’d like to marry Ramona and solve all her problems.

Anyway, I left and this time headed for Adelita’s. Along the way I paid the $20 toll that the police were charging. I didn’t know about this, but I guess Mexico is different, si?

So I got to Adelita’s and walked in. I went to the bar and ordered a Bud Light. “Wow! I’m drinking cervesa in TJ.” Now I’m truly in Mexico, I thought to myself. Ole!

There was some guy standing under the heater who looked like Clarke Kent except that he had genital warts over 90% of his body. He was shining a cheapo penlight flashlight up his own ass. There was a bunch of chicas (I think) around him offering him money. I'm not sure if they wanted to buy the flashlight or shove it further up his ass... Can somebody explain the aske-kissiers and flashlights?

(Editor's note: please excuse the obsolete technology. Trivia buffs will note that flashlights were often used to detect aberrations back in the day, before glow in the darke condoms became widely available. Evidently some people are still bake in the stone age.)

(Editor’s note 2: we are not sure how someone can develop genital warts over 90% of his body. Perhaps the author is imagining things. Or perhaps the widespread warts are possible if the individual in question is a complete prick. Further research is needed to understand this phenomenon. Or not.)

Tanya and Candy (AB)

While sitting in AB, two girls came up to me who claimed to be virgins. Tanya said that she was from Mexico City and Candy said that she was from Colima near Puerto Vallarta. Would I like to buy them a “fishy drink?” I said sure. Tanya asked me what my sign I was. I said “The Bull!” and she said, “Oh, you sexy man. I geeev you a massage! Anyway, the three of us went upstairs.

As we walked past the occupied rooms, I could hear all sorts of activity. In one room, some guy name Luke was in extasy. “Rebecca! Rebecca! Excellent! I totally AGREE with what you are doing to my dick!” “Mee tooo, Luke! But your hand is very cold!”

In another room, some guy named Strangelove was having a world class orgy with whips, midgets and Crisco oil, along with his favorita. “See,” he yelled. “I’m not sexually conservative!”

In yet another room, some guy with an M-16 was getting very upset. He was apparently pissed off because the chica kept saying, “oh, god! Oh, god. Kendricks!” Evidently this guy didn’t believe in god, and needed to be assured that God is Dead before he could continue with the Libertarian Deed.

In the last room, I could hear a girl screaming and moaning at the top of her lungs. “Feeneesh! Feeneesh! OK? Feeneesh writing about your previous session, Bill! We only have 10 minutes left for THIS session!”

I must say that it was a fairly interesting session with Tanya and Candy. They seemed to really be good friends. At first they didn’t use a condom. Rather, they just put a dozen Listerine oral care breath strips on my Johnson and went to work. I felt safe! At the end of the session, I walked out of there pretty much drained. I think my dick is three inches shorter now, and it hurts when I walk. Someday I’d like to marry those girls. Afterwards, I headed into the street for some air. Around the corner I saw various street girls.

Ariceli (SG)

Met a nice girl named Ariceli, near the end of her shift. We went upstairs and she seemed pretty competent. She uses the thinnest condoms ever! Almost like nothing at all! Someday I’d like to marry this girl. On the way down, there was some guy waiting for her with a dazed but innocent look.

Anyway, when I finished with her, I headed to the Chicago Club. It seemed pretty dead There were no other hombre’s in sight, and only about 5 or 6 drop dead gorgeous young sensual women sitting around with nothing to do. With only those incredible women to choose from, I concluded that CC was dead and wasn’t worth going to. What am I going to do with only 5 beautiful women? I want selection! Somebody said that things pick up dramatically in the evenings and weekends. That was only about the 500th time an expert had told me this, but of course I didn’t believe him. I made a mental note to come back to CC at 9 a.m. sometime.

Headed back to Adelita’s.

Norma (AB)

Met a striking lovely named Norma. She had that lean, hungry, psychopath look that just turns me on. We got upstairs, and she had lovely overinflated fake cans that she wouldn’t let me touch. I love bitchy women! So needless to say I was in heaven. She told me to feeeeeniish!!!!. Before I could pop, she put her clothes on and stormed angrily out the door. I live for this. Gentlemen, we are truly lucky. Someday, I’d like to marry this girl. If she ever has children, I wonder if they’ll be human.

Anyway, I’m back home now, and I went and got tested for HIV. I figure that I should get tested now, right after sex. That makes sense, right? Right? Are there any other mongers out there who are just as clueless about STD issues as I am? I read some club hombre chat room comments, so I know I’m not the only complete ignoramus! I’m gonna spray my dick with raid just to be on the safe side…

Anyway, that’s all about my trip. I had a great time. But there’s still something that I’ve taken home with me and means a lot to me. Lets just say it hurts when I pee. And then there’s that long strange drip…

What a long strange drip its been…

Moderator:
I noticed that you changed my title to indicate that this is a "parody." Do you mean "parody" or "satire"? I always mix those two up. Of course, this report was "based on a true story" in the Hollywood sense...

Was in CC/AB last night. I still don't get all the complaints about the selection...