INTERLUDE - DALLAS

My stay in Dallas was a weird mixture of post trip letdown, exhaustion, boredom and anticipation of the upcoming weekends' activities. A real devil's brew of emotions, all tinged with melancholy, for I know that even though I have another 3 days of fun upcoming, that it will end soon enough and I'll be back on the east coast with nothing but my memories for enjoyment.

My mood here often turns contemplative, rerunning my entire TJ experience, probing for insights to what these activities have to say about myself, my motivation and character. Having long since resigned myself to the fact that by conventional standards my behavior would be judged harshly, I have yet to come fully to grips with my own evaluation of my participation in this lifestyle. At times I feel that even given the choices I have made I still have within me an acceptable ethical if not moral framework and that engaging in our hobby has made no deep significant impact on who I am. At other times I feel that my recent activities are so contrary to any definition of acceptable ethical behavior that my actions can only be explained as by one deeply entrapped in an addiction. I'm sure that in reality the truth lies somewhere between those two extremes, but where?

I spend almost as much time emailing fellow board members using the internet access at the public library, as I do on Conference business. I find the convention topics irrelevant to my current thought processes, reminders of a life I dread returning to in a few short days. Interacting with my fellow conference attendees is tedious and boring at best, people whose idea of slipping the leash of the demands and structure of their of normal life is going to dinner at Hooters and making slightly lewd comments about the waitresses. I cannot relate to these people at all, they're much like the drunk at the party with the lampshade on, I find them sad and embarrassing at the same time. Oh, I think to myself, if they only knew. But of course they don't and continue on their way, convinced that a night out in the hotel's disco, ogling the younger female attendees is as close to throwing off the chains of conventional behavior as you can wish for. I smile and decline invitations to join them, begging off, feigning illness. I'd rather sit in my room organizing my trip report, or scoot over to the library and maintain contact with the board.

At some of my more introspective moments wonder idly if I will become satiated with this activity at some point and one sweet young thing will look like another, one pair of spread legs, anticipatory drops of moisture glistening, the musky aroma slightly assailing my nostrils, will seem like all the others, and thereby lose all significance and relevance. Or perhaps I'll again meet Lirica, or someone like Lirica, and this time totally shipwreck myself on those shoals of lost causes, this time actually committing myself to a total life change.

I try to keep a perspective on all this, try to convince myself that there is much more to life than sex with beautiful young women. Intellectually an easy concept to accept, endless rounds of sex with women, no matter how beautiful, eventually leads down a dead-end street emotionally, empty of any true, long-lasting satisfaction. But at this point I feel I'm far from the end of that street, and want to ride down it. Just a bit further, the journey sometimes is the point, not the destination.

I guess that is my life preserver, the realization that there are many other things in life that can provide pleasure, many of which I have already, and none of which are in TJ. Sex, as wonderful a high as it is, is a transient pleasure, and cannot provide the satisfaction needed over the long haul. Ah, but even with other, more soul satisfying pleasures, in the long run can I survive without the endorphin rush of sex with beautiful young chicas? That's the question that I'm always asking, and can never answer satisfactorily.

For now, now that I've reached an arrangement where several opportunities for travel this year are possible, anything can happen. And as much as I tell myself that the seasoned vets, the Angelas, Candies, and Tanyas are the intelligent, least risk filled way to approach this hobby for me, I'm constantly drawn like a moth to a flame to the quiet, shy reserved young ones in the corners, and like a flame's potential effect on the moth, the consequences could be as equally disastrous. I cannot help myself from wanting the total experience one which I not just having sex with a body, but intellectually and emotionally as well.

I notice that I keep ratcheting up the expectations for a successful encounter. On my first trip, just the discovery of Adelitas created such an adrenaline rush that I assumed this would be the pinnacle of my experience in the hobby. Then at the end of that trip I met Nadia, an excellent woman who loved to laugh and spend time trying to communicate with almost no English to match my near total lack of Spanish. Nadia provided my first taste of GFE in the zona, and set the standard for my subsequent trip.

My second trip started off with some time spent with Sophia, this time, in another first, with time outside of the zona, at both the Cinema and back at my hotel. Sophia, with a good command of English was able to hold a detailed conversation. A very pleasant woman, both sexually and emotionally, she whetted my appetite for a more in-depth kind of experience, while being a total professional, subtly sending all those signals that ensured there would be no illusions as to our relationship. In bed Sophia provided my first DATY experience in TJ and my first attempt at massage. Then Candie and Tanya upped the ante once again, a true GFE, deep french kissing, less restrictions all the way around, a truly thoughtful and considerate lovers. And although they was more than willing to talk, I knew that with these two there was no possibility of emotional attachment on either side, no matter how much I grew to like and respect them.

But the rock that I had finally shipwrecked on was Lirica, who let me into her head as easily as between her legs. This was the girl that could have destroyed me. With her, all things were possible, but just out of reach. She was the reason I had returned and both thank and curse my luck that she had gone. But for all else Lirica did for me (or to me), she raised the bar impossibly high for anyone else who follows. The combination of looks, personality, availability, sexuality and above all vulnerability will be very hard for any other to match. For this I should be grateful I suppose.

I often chuckle to myself that I'm the ultimate in selfish mongering, not only do I want to fuck their bodies, but I want to fuck their heads as well. I want to interact with them on some level beyond that of a sex provider, I want to pleasure them, provide them with some measure of enjoyment other than that of counting off a few twenties as they place them in their purse. But most of all I want to be remembered, make an impression, I want to be one of those guys that 20 years from now, when their careers are long over, they look back on and say, yeah, I remember that one guy, he was ok. I want to be one of the faces that stands out from that crowd of identical, nameless stream of johns. For just one girl, just once. Knowing full well the risks, that penetrating more than a vagina will leave me fully exposed also. Emotionally, the ultimate game of chicken.

So I imagine myself as some kind of monger Flying Dutchman, always seeking, never finding. Doomed to endlessly circle Adelitas, Tijuana and perhaps even the world in search of what is not to be found. Hopefully not to be found.

You mean I'll still be a horny bastard when I'm 50??? Ooooooh nooooooooo..... ;-)

"throwing off the chains of conventional behavior"

Well now, I've been to conventions, and I've now figured out that "conventional behavior" at conventions means finding a chica. Just a thought

Bill, here's the quote I was looking for with which I can completely identify (as mentioned in my response to your final chapter).

"I want to interact with them on some level beyond that of a sex provider, I want to pleasure them, provide them with some measure of enjoyment other than that of counting off a few twenties as they place them in their purse. But most of all I want to be remembered, make an impression, I want to be one of those guys that 20 years from now, when their careers are long over, they look back on and say, yeah, I remember that one guy, he was ok. I want to be one of the faces that stands out from that crowd of identical, nameless stream of johns."

Comment #1.

In the next paragraph, you then use a phrase "always seeking (searching), never finding". That phrase happens to be part of one of the greatest unknown songs of our time: Listen to My Heart by the late Nancy LaMott:

Here we are, you and I at last
In the right place, at the right time;
Every dream I've dreamed has come to pass
'Cause you're right here and you're all mine.

I can't believe the years of holding back our fruit,
But I can finally share what's in my heart with you.

Listen, listen, listen to my heart
Listen to it sing,
Listen to my voice
It wants to tell you everything;
There's so much to say
I don't know where to start,
But if you want to know the love I'm feeling,
Listen to my heart.

All my life I've been on a road
Going one way toward one dream
The road would wind and down it I would go
ALWAYS SEARCHING, NEVER FINDING.
But even in my darkest hours I always knew
That some day, somehow, the road would lead to you
And words can't express
How my heart is filled with happiness
Listen to it.


There's many more words to that song, but I'm sure you catch my drift.


Comment #2:

Bill, never ever forget that the type of monger that you want to be (i.e., making a lasting positive impression on someone) is the type of person that you can be in everyday life. You don't need to go to TJ to make a positive impact, or to be remembered specially twenty years from now. There are many people in your own hometown (some much more deserving than some of the TJ chicas you have encountered) who should be the object of the good humanity and feeling that you seek to spread and share (e.g., I volunteered to visit young kids at a children's hospital last Christmas; it really opened my eyes, and my heart even further). Think about it.

The best of luck to you.

A Similar kind of guy,

Out-of-Towner

Ootie,

It's one of the true paradoxes of life.

The most common desire is to be different.

Sorry I missed you on your last trip.

Red:

You always come up with a gem of a comment!

I looked for you, but I did not find.

A Hoping all is well with you kind of guy,

Out-of-Towner

Red,

Ha, stiffed another one of us Eastcoasters, eh?

Always searching, never finding.....

Redongdo