Argentina is a wonderful country, and as more and more Americans discover this, the need for a short guide to help newcomers avoid some of the problems they might encounter on their trip has prompted me to write this quick guide to help the 1st timer until they "learn the ropes".
Many of us who have spent some time there have tried to keep these “secrets” to ourselves, but I realize that is selfish, and we owe it to the “newbies” to share what we have learned.

Let's begin at the beginning...

What to bring

Basically you will need to bring anything you think you even MIGHT need. The only thing that is available in Buenos Aires are women and steaks. This includes:
1) All the clothes you think you might need. Clothing is available in BA, but it is VERY expensive and of such poor quality that it will fall apart if it even gets rained on (it rains every day, so this can be a problem)
2) At least one gallon of bottled water for every day you intend to stay. Do not use tap water for anything except rinsing out your socks!
3) Plenty of American cigarettes to trade with the locals, all of whom smoke
4) Plenty of beads and trinkets to use as gifts and bribes. Remember the Argentineans are only a few generations removed from their jungle-dwelling ancestors, and will do almost anything for a small quantity of genuine American anything.
5) Several bottles of cheap American wine. Argentineans love wine, and the local varieties are of such poor quality, you should bring a bottle of Gallo table wine wherever you go.
6) It is well worth the slight expense of having a tee shirt made up with a replica of the Argentinean flag with the national motto, “Las gallinas de las Malvinas” printed just below it. Loosely translated this means “The best of the best”, and is the uniform of the most “macho” of the Argentinean men. Some of the locals may, upon seeing how cool you are, attempt a little good-natured roughhousing, but it is all in fun.


EZE - The Buenos Aires Airport.

The airport in Buenos Aires is reasonably modern, so navigating customs and immigration is pretty straightforward. Although everyone there speaks perfect English, many people there (probably out of modesty) do not admit this. The fact is, at the airport (and for that matter, everywhere in Buenos Aires) you can make yourself understood by speaking in loud pigeon English, and be sure to honor the strong Italian heritage of the Argentineans by waving your arms around while you speak. For example, the following handy phrase should be repeated to the immigration officer

"I American (point to self). I come visit your country (point to officer) and fuck all your women (make pumping motion with hips)."
Be sure to fold a $20 bill in your passport to take care of any red tape.

At some point they will release you, and you may proceed to the curb to get a cab to town.

Buenos Aires is plagued with larcenous cab drivers, so I suggest you avoid the "radio-cabs" lurking along the curb. Carry your bags for several hundred yards away from the terminal, and before you know it someone will ask you if you need a ride to town. This friendly gentleman can almost always be trusted to carry you quickly and safely to your destination. They will also usually be happy to provide you with alternatives to your hotel, and give you an opportunity to enjoy Buenos Aires at a substantial discount. They also will almost always be happy to change some money for you.

Picking a Hotel

Since all the hotels in town are grungy rip-offs, I suggest you stay right at the airport. You can always hitchhike to town (a local custom)
If you must stay in town, rely of your cab driver to find you a place to stay.

In Town

There is almost nothing to do in Buenos Aires (except watching CNN) until 10 or 11 at night, so don't even bother getting up before that. If you find yourself getting hungry, ignore the rows of rip-off restaurants lining Junin St. in Recoleta, and head straight for the McDonalds on the corner of Junin and Vincente Lopez. At least your vacation won't be spoiled by a bout of "Evita's Revenge" that will surely accompany any attempt to eat the inferior Argentinean cuisine.

Women

Unfortunately, although at first glance you will see what appear to be beautiful women everywhere you look, they are ALL transvestites. Real Argentinean women are all somewhat fat and ugly, so avoid the pretty ones like the plague unless you are ready for a ‘surprise’ after you get them home.
If you do bring one of the ‘others’ back to your hotel, be sure to tell her to leave her pants or dress on, so you can at least pretend!
Argentinean “working girls” may be spotted because they all carry cell phones – the mark of a “pro”. Any woman you see with a cell phone may be approached. Offer her some of the beads you brought and say “Vamanos?”, accompanied by a quick pat on the behind to confirm your sincerity.
One quaint local custom is called “El Cambio”. This is where two people who have been intimate exchange underwear. It is traditionally initiated by the man, who asks “Quiere Cambiar?” and snatches up the ladies underwear, throwing his to her as he slips hers on. She will respond by happily jumping into your old Fruit-of-the-Looms, and be your “amiga especial” from then on!


Clubs

On favorite trick at the door of these clubs is to pretend there is some kind of "cover charge". There is probably no way to avoid paying this extortion, but be sure to make a fuss, as this will not only show the employees you are a man to be reckoned with, but will impress the girls inside. You can try saying "I'm just looking for a friend here" and quickly dart inside. Most of the time they will realize you are hip to the scam and just let you in. Once you get inside, order a drink and sit back and watch the show, as anywhere from a dozen to 20 or 30 beautiful young ladies all try to convince you that you are the man they have been waiting for all this time, as in fact you are!
There are several things to remember both before and after you make your selection.
1) These girls all want $100
2) No one has ever paid them $100 in their life.
3) If you argue long enough, any one of them will be happy to screw you all night for $20 (U.S.). Be sure to do your negotiating in as loud a voice as possible, so in the unlikely event your first choice won't be reasonable, the others will realize you are not a pushover, and treat you with the respect you deserve!

Although you will probably have to buy your choice date a drink before you can take her out, you don't have to do or say anything nice after that. These girls are all used to being treated like dirt and won't respect you unless you treat them that way too.
Once you get her back to your hotel there are several other things the first timer in BsAs should know.
1) Ever since 1999, STD's were made illegal in Argentina, so only tourists use condoms.
2) You will not be expected to pay for any service until you have received it, and even then these girls are required by law to please you. If you are unhappy with the service or even the attitude of the young lady you have selected, you are not required to pay her anything. Realizing you are a tourist, the lady may pretend this is not the case, but stick to your guns! Just throw her out the door when you have finished with her (remember, they expect to be treated like this), and threaten to call the police.

I hope these tips will help you get the most out of your trip to one of the pleasure capitols of the world, Buenos Aires.

Happy Trails!

Pablo

Pablo,

After reading your tips, I've just cancelled my apartment in Recoleta (are you listening Godfather?) in favor of the cushy digs at the airport. I just hope they have a McDonalds in the terminal. I'm a big fan of this and other fine American dining establishments.

Sterling

P.S. My favorite line: "they are ALL transvestites".

Reminds of a quote from a young backpacker staying in Rio for the first time. "Rio is awesome. I went to Help and the chicks were grabbing my dick! One of them even wanted to go home with me..."


And no, it was not me.