Posted to Redsnake by Surfer on July 24, 2000 at 13:48:20:

Caveats:
A. To my detractors (human flotsam SOS & IMWTK in particular), click out now. Since I know you won’t, keep your motherfucking nitpicking to yourself because by reading my post you assume the risks that you will be offended or will disagree with the contents thereof.

B. I do NOT purport to be a Nica expert (Hacker holds that distinction) so I am merely supplying my opinions and perspectives which all are free to disregard if they feel that my reports or track record lack credibility.

C. I speak passable Spanish-used to be much better but 6 years of all Asia, no Latin, trips have taken their toll upon my proficiency. I did NOT find the Nica accent THAT much more difficult to understand like others have reported. That being said, it is IMPERATIVE that at least one member of your travel group speak pretty decent Spanish or you are going to be in for a tough go of it communication wise.

D. Unlike certain prior reports where I employed a travelogue sort of style, this report will consist of a series of bullet points containing my observations and opinions.

E. I will concurrently post this on Zonaroja and would do so on BGV (hear it is light on Latin content) except that I am still excluded from the inner sanctum. I know the fact that I had the audacity to associate with the BGV anti-christ Stony whilst in Nicaragua will hurt my already slim chances, but it is more BGV’s loss than mine (I have no need for Thailand info). Anyway, as with my Japan report I invite any interested BGVer to repost this there as I believing in sharing.

F. Plenty has been written by Hacker, Bruce, Criticus, Satyr etc about Nica so I will limit my comments to new info, specific girls to seek and avoid, and areas of agreement or disagreement with prior reports. I went largely on Hacker’s recommendation (sorry our timing couldn’t mesh), and while I was not as impressed with the TSM scene as he is, I did not utilize contacts he offered to share with me and did not spend that much time in Managua where most the action is (very little really as I am a surfer and adventurer first and foremost, and only a TSMer as a secondary avocation). Finally, I ALWAYS bear in mind the old adage YMMV and you should too.

OVERVIEW-while I respect Hacker and greatly appreciate his invaluable advice and assistance, my assessment of Nica as a TSM venue is closer to Bruce’s 7 rating than Hacker’s statement that it is his “favorite” TSM destination. He has contacts there that increase his enjoyment and others who are not so well connected simply cannot count on enjoying it as much as he does. While I like multiple st encounters at times also, I prefer more GFE type encounters where there is at least an illusion that the girl enjoys it and is not a hard core puta. I found it sadly lacking in Nica but to be fair to Nica, it is no worse in that regard than any other Latin Country I have visited except Brazil (oh, Brazil!). I have not yet done Cuba (SOON!) which sounds like it offers the best possibilities for GFE for a short term visitor. Personally, I think both the PI & Java are in a completely different league than Nica or other Latin countries (again, except for Brazil & Cuba) but that is just my opinion.

BULLET POINTS

1. Carretera Massaya-I never thought I would find a place where a higher percentage of streetwalkers than in San Francisco’s Tenderloin district (my city) but I was wrong. I estimate that 50% or more of the streetwalkers on Carretera Massaya are TVs-YuK! I simply refused to even open the door (I slid the window down about 1 inch after reading Satyr’s experience) until it showed me a pussy. Big “tits” are likely padding so a less reliable indicator than the absence of a dick. Maybe the earthquakes decreased the quality of the girls, and increased the percentage of guys, but I found it TERRIBLE! The one I did take from there turned out to be a disaster also. She was very sweet looking, white skin (looked British almost) with rosy cheeks and always smiling. While being VERY explicit before I let her in the car that I wanted mamadita (BBBJ to completion), and despite her unhesitating agreement, upon return to the hotel (in Granada) she proceeds to say no way sin preservativo. After much argument, she then switches into the “for more money” mode. After stupidly paying her ever increasing demands upfront, she goes in the bathroom and returns in an agitated state saying she has to go. I am like “give me my $$ back and you can go”. To make a long story short, I had to physically stand in the doorway to prevent her from bailing with my $$. Another $20 calms her down and the action begins. After beginning a terrible BBBJ, I just relented and fucked her because I was getting more teeth than lips/tongue. Sent the bitch home and, of course, refused her request for taxi fare home (paid WAY more than initially agreed). When I went in the bathroom later, I noticed small plastic bags with white residue; I had picked up a Nicaraguan coke whore. So the Carretera offers TVs and coke whore-I can drive 10 minutes from home if that is what I want. I cruised between the rotundas many times and NEVER saw what I consider a 7. I give the Carretera a 2 only because it is better than the street scene in Kabul, Karachi or Tehran. I see better lookers driving home through the tenderloin and a lower percentage of TVs to boot. The best things on the Carretera are TGIF’s and the Metrocentre Mall, where upscale Managuenos hang out and good opportunities for meeting non-pros seem plentiful. It is also the most modern and attractive part of Managua with airline offices, upscale hotels, stores and businesses etc. At night, the fountain in the middle of the rotunda is lit up with colored lights and water cannons (a low tech version of the Bellagio fountain in Las Vegas).

2. HOTELS-NEVER make a phone call from a hotel. A one minute call from Hotel Colonial in Granada to Managua (less than 50 miles) was 60 cordobas ($5). A Local call is 20 ($1.75). And for the first time in my entire life, I had a hotel charge me for BUSY SIGNALS (I tried to call AVIS to change rental cars but they have only one phone line which they also use for internet access). I called liked 20 times and got charged for EVERY busy signal as if the call was completed. A cellphone with prepaid card is THE way to go.

Stayed one night at the Camino Real which is 2 minutes from airport (free shuttle bus). No problem with chicas but a LONG walk of shame. Cost is high ($100) but room, pool, and facilities are all first rate. If you have an early flight (or arrive late and just want to unwind before braving the streets), a good option. And close to good street action-while no one else has mentioned it, I found another cluster of street girls and NO SIGN OF TVS (must have all been down on Carretera Massaya). They are on the righthand side of Chammoro which is the street that runs to the airport about 1 km EAST (AWAY from Managua) of the terminal. Head RIGHT as you leave the terminal (Managua is to your left) and you will soon see them. This was at about 9 pm on Friday (prime time) so I do not know if they are always there, but I saw at least 20 that virtually threw themselves out in front of my vehicle and they looked MUCH better than what I saw on Boulevard de los Barbudos (Bearded Boulevard as I rechristened Carretera Massaya).

By the way, this is the DIRECT route to Granada-you go about 10kms towards a town called Tipitapia then turn right (South) to a great highway that connects to Granada without the traffic and detours (and risk of getting lost) that is inherent on the main route out the carretera massaya.

Hotel Colonial in Granada, which is HIGHLY recommended for newness of facilities, location, strong & quit AC with remote and Cable TV with English channels like CNN, ESPN and local channels from Miami & Dallas, charges a $15 joiner fee which applies even if you check in with your companion. I believe you can bring in MORE than 1 if you pay that $15. Also, the $50 rate quoted by Bruce is EXCLUSIVE of the 15% IVA (called VAT in Europe and elsewhere).

3. IVA- That bloody tax is on EVERYTHING. It should be called Aleman’s share (the President) as NO services are provided by the piece of shit government which rates a 10 on the corrupto-meter. Never though I’d see a government that made Erap (Philippine President Joseph Estrada) look good by comparison. Never met ONE person who had anything good to say about Porky Aleman (although the despised Somoza was complimented by many for making the country relatively affluent despite rampant corruption). Makes Mexico seem like a paradigm of transparency and good government. An economic and political basket case of the first order.

4. SAFETY-Gotta disagree with Hacker’s assessment of Nica as a safe country. I was CONSTANTLY warned about the high incidence of armed assault and violent crime directed both at tourists and locals. The highway between Managua and Granada is reputedly closed periodically by the police because there are just too many carjackings and ambushes. The owner of Hotel Granada had his car window smashed despite being parked RIGHT in front of the hotel and less than 10 feet away from the security guard who went to the john to take a piss and returned mid-leak upon hearing the crash. While there an armed gang did a whole row of houses in invasion style robberies in which at least 2 people were killed (in Massaya). After 10 pm NOONE in Managua stops at traffic lights and this is LEGAL because the risk opf holdup is so high (I know Rio is SOMEWHAT similar but I felt safer walking alone in Copacabana and on Avenida Atlantica late at night than I did in Managua where I was ALWAYS in my Land Cruiser with windows rolled up and doors locked. It isn’t Phnom Pehn or Mexico City, but it isn’t Singapore or Costa Rica either. Use good judgement and you’ll probably be fine but I do not suggest it as a venue for foolish bravado (ala Bogey’s solo walk through the Mercado Oriental at closing time).

5. THE POLICE-remember the old police slogan “crime doesn’t pay”? Well in Managua they have adapted it to their own situation so their version of the slogan goes “Stopping crime doesn’t pay, but stopping tourists does”. In less than 24 hours in Managua I had to pay la mordida for traffic infractions. The first (at 3 am leaving Playboy Club) had SOME merit-I started to enter a one way street going the wrong way. My “defense” is the fact that I merely continued straight through an intersection where the street abruptly changed from two way to one. A small sign or some painted marking would have been nice, but in Nicaragua you are assumed to be clairvoyant regarding traffic rules. It was interesting to note how the three officers with submachine guns were at first very tense and agitated-once they saw that I was a tourist they immediately relaxed and began this keystone kops like routine about which section of the code I had violated and how much the fine was. Because they explained that they did not want problems with a tourist, they were kind enough to allow me to “take care of it” on the spot for the discounted rate of 400 cordobas. The one the next morning was even flimsier-I was in the right hand lane of a 4 lane road and was immediately stopped after crossing the intersection and informed that it was a right turn only lane. No markings whatsoever. Because this cop was alone (motocylce), he also extended me the courtesy of letting me take care of it immediately for the discounted rate of 200 cordobas. After that I kept my drivers license and registration in my shirt pocket to spare me the labor of constantly opening my wallet. I also kept Mordida money in my pocket for the same reason.

6. INSECTS-while the mozzie quotient was not bad relatively speaking, the concentration of gnats (called Chi-ulis in local dialect)by the lakefront in Granada has to be seen to be believed. Particularly after a rain they can literally obscure the horizon. Also, the lakefront malecon in Granada is reputedly rife with ladrones (criminals) late at night as they prey on drunken patrons leaving the night clubs/discos.

7. STRIP CLUBS/Brothels-In a Word, if you Have the $$$ Playboy Club ROCKS! Best looking girls in Nica hands down, end of discussion. No YMMV applies here-if you got the cash, they got the stash and man do they look HOT! A couple suggestions: Not that hard to find despite Hacker’s lack of confidence in my navigational abilities. Find the Montoya statute (a local landmark which is about 1 mile NW from Plaza Inter which is ground zero for Managua. When you find Montoya (not too hard) go right (towards the lake) for 6 blocks and you will see it on the righthand side. Small hotel next door might be a good idea but did not check it out. Opens at 8 pm but almost ALWAYS has more dancers than patrons. Admission fee is $2, YOUR drinks are also reasonably priced (if with a buddy or planning on making a night of it buy a 1/4 bottle rather than individual drinks for economy’s sake). Ladies drinks are RIDICULOUSLY overpriced ($16+ the dreaded tax). Suggestion, if you want a ladies’ company offer her a tip instead of drinks (house gets more than 50%). I found that a 100 cordoba note ($8) kept them at your table longer than a ladies drink which costs more than double. My favorite was Roxanna mentioned by Bruce’s report. Very voluptuous (“delgada”), 18 years old with awesome real boobs (never saw a boob job which was refreshing after strip clubs in California or Florida where the quotient of silicone often exceeds that of flesh) and a very cute face. Her stage show is SO NASTY-always got right in front of my table and fingered her own clit so much I could both see and smell the natural lubrication. After her dance she got well acquainted with my member.

A word about ladies drinks-Roxanna had a little trick where soon after the one ladies drink I agrred to buy arrived, she excused herself to the ladies room with a full drink then returned shortly with an empty one followed, in lockstep, by the waiter asking if I cared to buy another. No I can pour money down the drain DIRECTLY without dirtying a wine glass if I want to, thank you very much. So if you buy a ladies drink, ensure it stays on the table in full view at all times or if may get drained surreptitiously. I HATE this kind of BS and it soured my mood on her appreciably. Then she started making nasty suggestions like “I am going to eat ALL of your body” (in Spanish of course). At this point she was very wet (and I was too as her visual AND physical stimulation has the desired effect of maximizing the prurient interest and causing production of pre-ejaculatory fluid from my cowper’s gland) and suggested a visit to the conveniently located rooms on premises. Total cost $110 which includes ½ bottle of wine (3 glasses), the room and ALL the girl’s share (no tipping required supposedly). In retrospect, I should have jumped on this like IMWTK would jump at the chance to take advantage of a mentally retarded katoey. Instead, I kept repeating Hacker’s words of wisdom (“Offer ANY Nica the chance for a night at Montelimar and she will cream in her jeans”) in my head. Regrettably, sweet Roxanna was totally unimpressed with my tomorrow night in Montelimar offer saying she had been there and done that. MY FIRST, but not last, disappointment with my own failure to secure a GFE. Despite suggestive looks from other Playboy tarts, I decided to try my luck on the Carretera where, after recoiling in horror from several TVs who approached my fully closed vehicle window, finally found sweet LOOKING Karin. Only problem was that Karin was the verey same paranoid, deal breaking coke whore referred to in my C. Massaya bulletpoint above. Lesson learned by Surfer-NEVER pass on great waves/sluts to save a few bucks. The disaster with Karin ended up costing me almost as much as an hour of bliss with Roxanna would have. Guebon’s infamous “gonna pay too much” adage never rang with more resonance than that night.

Went back to Playboy and found Roxanna again, this time in a very seductive mood. While ALL women are “moody” by definition, she seems to be particularly vulnerable to this hormone driven phenomenon. This time she not only started getting nasty with me, but also began grabbing my friend’s unit. As I fondled her boob with my left hand, my right began stroking her already wet clit through her panties. 100 cordobas tip, no ladies drink required as she explained. She then stated that she could take on three men at a time-I said I had a good idea how she would service the first two but asked “y como para la terceira” to which she replied “con el mano”. While I personally am not licensed to drive the Hershey Highway, this statement may come as a disappointment to some. She does give her cell number out (on Bruce’s report) and lives in Carazo province, 90 minutes SW of Managua. She claims to be 18. Hope some TSMer who loves chicas delgadas gives her a FULL test drive and reports back. Also at Playboy is Allison (poneytail, ZERO tits, cute face-Bruce posted her pic) AKA “El Tiburon” (the shark). Word is she swallows but to preserve the privacy of other TSMers I will not comment further.
Summation, if you can afford to spend $150 you will have a GREAT time with a gorgeous Nica.

Tried the Red Palace whose only redeeming feature is location, right across the street from TGIF’s on C. Massaya. Prices not much less than Playboy while quality (both of facilities and dancers) is MUCH less. Never tried El Vale Todo which is the consensus Silver medal winner (to Playboy’s gold and Red Palace’s Bronze).

9. Incall Pati-Called her based on Bruce’s suggestion (and frustration/disappointment with C. Massaya). The photos on Bruce’s report (newest version) are her. While her body is top notch, I find her face average at best. So I disagree with Bruce’s 9 rating of her APPEARANCE.
Her SERVICE, however, warrants a 9.5. Friendly, mature, punctual and skilled all come to mind.
For $40 you get 1 hour (she IS a clock watcher but in a non-offensive way) with no BS or requests for extra $, tip etc.. A nice massage with lotion lasts about 15 minutes then either a great, slurpy, BBBJ, or she explains that for $10 extra you can do the deed (but with condom-SMART girl). After having to pay like DOUBLE to others to get a BBBJ, here was a BARGAIN! I took the bargain and was smart to NOT spend the extra $10. No wiping away the pre-ejaculatory fluid, no teeth, no BS. Just a full on deep throat BJ that was so good that I had to make excuses a few times to get her to stop so as to prevent a premature denouement. Butterfly flicks of the tongue, massaging of the balls, using her tongue to play with the goo, what a BBBJ SHOULD be (but all too rarely is). While she did not swallow, she did suck it completely dry and continued sucking until my woody became like limp papyrus-at which time she gestured for my OK for her to go to the sink to spit out Surfer’s secretions which I gladly gave. So except for the so-so face, Pati is highly recommended. Just call and she’ll be at your hotel in under an hour.

10. GRANADA-While it is one of the two (beach town San Juan Del Sur is the other) most tourist friendly cities in Nicaragua, the TSM options are VERY slim IMHO. Perhaps it was the three consecutive days with 5+ quakes, but the choices were VERY limited. As an aside, when I arrived the town was SO dead (despite being a Friday which is supposedly rage night) and ALL the people were lounging/sleeping outside in the streets because of fear their homes were not structurally sound. It was a VERY somber mood that prevailed throughout the city.

While in Granada highly recommended is a boat trip ($12 per hour for the whole boat) through Las Isletas, a group of islands caused by rubble from a volcanic explosion. Very tranquil and scenic (except for the odd Euro on a jet ski disturbing the serenity). There is a VERY high end resort (Nicarao) out on the lake itself for you big spenders. You can rent your own island for a night for less than $200 (ORGY!).

A FEW girls hang out in the park and, in particular, on the corner by Hotel Alhambra. Cindy (in Guebon’s photos) gives a DECENT BBBJ but will frequently use a tissue to wipe away any jism, and will pull out MANY times because of fear you will jism in her mouth. She asked me not to tell her chula (Esmeralda, firm, large tits, beat face, horrible attitude likely caused by sniffing too much glue also in Guebon’s pics) that she was giving Bjs. Esmeralda prides herself on saying that she will “never” give a Bj. Avoid at all costs as I doubt fucking her is any fun either. Also beware of seemingly innocent “nice” girls who patrol the park looking for boyfriends as they are not always what they purport to be. If you are looking for a girlfriend, as opposed to st action, caveat emptor (buyer beware). Enough said.

11. SAN JUAN DEL SUR-GREAT beach town. Very friendly and more English spoken here than anywhere else (more foreigners too). Many nice bars and restaurants and reasonably priced hotels. Less than 3 hours South of Managua (30 minutes North of Costa Rican border) on a GREAT, well paved, highway (signs ever few kms show which foreign government paid for the great road). While bringing a companion from up North IS the suggested modus operandi, on Friday & Saturday night the beachfront promenade comes alive with many bars/chicas. NOT for the FOBULO crowd though (do not APPEAR to be putas, but in Nica todo es possible). If you are decent looking, not too old (i.e. under 40 I would think) and have the gift of gab (en Espanol, of course), there are possibilities. Anyone planning a trip can email me for more details which I am reluctant to share with the masses (a mass of miedra in particular).
CONCLUSION-While I DID like it, and very well may return, it is without doubt NOT a point & click TSM destination. If I return it would be for the great, uncrowded, waves and unspoiled beaches in the South or to go with Hacker (one of these times our schedules will dovetail compadre), rather than for TSM sake. As noted above, while I quite liked the Playboy Club I would prefer one week in the PI or Java to one MONTH in any Latin Country (excluding Brazil) if TSM was my top priority. While I DO love traveling to pursue the “hobby”, it is as an additional diversion whilst in exotic locales with sporting or cultural enticements, as opposed to the “lets go to Boca (or Bangkok) and get drunk and chase skirt” type of traveler. This latter type of TSMer, which I am NOT criticizing (I believe there is room for all under Bruce’s umbrella and that diversity makes TSM a more interesting board), will likely not place Nicaragua at the top of his destinations list anyway. Enough rambling, LET THE FLAMING BEGIN (hey IMWTK-DO use of your many alternate handles so I can at least get the enjoyment of trying to discern which mindless flames are yours).

Recently visited Nicaragua. The one spot you must visit while in Managua, Nicaragua is the club "Vale todo" which means "anything goes." They have some of the most beautiful ladies in Central America working there. Be prepared to pay top price. Vale todo is a strip place where you can choose which lady you take to one of the private rooms in the back. I've heard that the rooms are nice but I prefer to meet the ladies after they get off from work. A word of advise, after work the ladies of Vale Todo go to a late night restaurant where they meet friends and hook up with late night company. While in Vale todo, you can't take the lady out of the club. And to take them to one of the back rooms it'll cost you top dollar. My suggestion, I've done this before, go to Vale Todo and check out the ladies. At closing time let her know that you are going to be at the "Munich" and have her meet you there. All the girls and all of the cab drivers in the city know where the Munich is at. Fortunately, the "Munich" is about a five minute cab ride away from "Vale Todo." Once at the "Munich" the ladies are more relaxed and start quoting much more reasonable rates. Happy hunting guys!

I spend quite a bit of time in Nicaragua and Central America and would love to read the detailed reports of the above mentioned guys ...
Hacker
Bruce
Criticus
Satyr
Can someone tell me how to find more trip reports on Nicaragua? Can any of you guys contact me at my e-mail address .... floydd2878@aol.com
How about pictures of Nica chics?

I welcome anything more I can learn from you guys on the Nicaraguans.

That report was originally posted in 2000 on a site that no longer exists. I don't know what happened to those guys. You might also want to post your question on the Chat Boards. To get there, click "World" in the top left corner, then click "C. America" or "S. America", you may want to post on both.

Hombre

Thanks for the info and the help with this website. Hey, next time you are coming to Nicaragua drop me a line on my "AOL" and we can get together and do a bit of carousing. Sometimes the seedier clubs in Managua can be fun ... and cheap.

Thanks again