I woke up the next morning feeling a tension in the air. I went out to the living room to find my pot connection and Mr.Ed chatting it up with Mr.Bond. Mr.Ed was telling them about his night at Face Dos. Apparently he said that they were hot but that once you went up to them you could see they were coke whores. I go to my room to chill when I hear my pot connection bring up the 100k I owed him. Mr.Ed calls me back in the room, when my pot connection asks me about the money I quickly tell him I need to go to the ATM to buy myself some time.

"Okay let's all go to the ATM" Mr.Ed says casually

"Oh, you need to take money out dude?" I ask confused

"Oh no, I have MORE THAN ENOUGH" he says emphatically

He then turns and goes to his room. I follow him to confront him about what's going on.

"Are you mad at me?" I ask

"Oh Coqui, you and money" He says sarcastically

"Whaaa? Dude! but, you said you would cover me!" I say shocked

"Yeah but you always want to fuck girls and your wasting your money on..." he starts to whine

"Ok" I cut him off.

"I am not asking for the money for whores, I just need the 100k to cover the pot. I won't be fucking anymore on this trip." I say

"Let's go to the ATM and try to take out money.." he says condescendingly

"Okay but you know my card is blocked so I can't take out funds..."

"Let's go to the ATM to try to take out money and whatever you can take out you can give him and we can negotiate the rest" he says annoyed

"You want me to negotiate a drug deal....IN COLOMBIA?!!!!" I say completely shocked

"LET'S JUST GO TO THE ATM AND TRY TO TAKE OUT FUCKING MONEY..." he growls back at me with a pissed off look on his face..

I walk away disgusted.

Let me take a minute to expand on why I was angry. Mr.Ed has been my travel buddy for years. We don't hang out with each other between trips but I like to consider him a friend. I know that I can be a very polarizing person, with some folks thinking I am a funny lovable jackass and other folks thinking I am a annoying little shit. Before we went on this trip I did a lot of research, I saved and had everything budgeted out. Days before our trip, I remember vividly Mr.Ed telling me that if there was a money issue not to worry because he had me covered. Fuck! He even offered to get me a chica on my birthday! (which by the way, he never did) I was very touched by this gesture because I thought it was a stand up thing to do. Through out our trip I always made sure I was square with Mr.Ed, if it was late and he offered me cash so I wouldn't have to go to the ATM at night then the following morning the first thing I did was hit up the ATM to pay him back. I am not a irresponsible freeloader. Hell, I even paid for meals and some girls before this. I wasn't asking him for money that I didn't have. I had money in my account, it's just that Banco Popular would not let me take out funds in Colombia.

I hate, hate, HATE people who make false promises. Had I known he would do this to me I would not have hooked up with Cora or even had a second session with the Loutron girls. But now here I was broke and owing a drug dealer 50 bucks.

So I had to be straight with my pot connection, I told him I needed more time because my bank had frozen my funds. Thankfully he was a cool dude and said no worries he would come back another time before I left. Mr.Ed came out of his room and left the apartment without saying a word to me.

With this I prepared myself for banking hell. I went to my room, lit up a joint and dove in to the hell that is Banco Popular customer service. Now why did I put my money in this bank? Well a few reasons. First Banco Popular is the largest bank in Latin America. When I went to Costa Rica I had no issue taking out money. I was more concerned with having issues with my TD bank since it seems to be based in the USA. Second I did call up my bank and told them I would be in Colombia so my card would not be blocked. At no point did they tell me that Colombia is a country where they have limited coverage. Third I thought the only concern that I would have with my accounts was it being blocked, I later learned that not all banks run on the same network or operating system. If bank A runs on system B BUT bank C runs on system D then you are F.

So I am on hold for (I am not exaggerating) 40 minutes! I finally get a "English speaking" customer service rep who sounded like Rosie Perez mixed with Scooby Doo. Once I explain my issue she tells me I need to speak to the security department and transfers me. Once again I timed this, 20 fucking minutes later I get a Spanish only speaking rep. Thank God I am fluent or else I would be more fucked. The conversation went like this

Retard: how can I help you?

Me: I am in Colombia and my ATM won't let me take out money, I went to a Banco Popular and local banks and they both give me an error message when I try to take out money.

Retard: Your in Colombia?

Me: yes

Retard: I don't see any transaction in Colombia..

Me: we'll I'm here and I can see online the cash is there so how do I get my money?

Retard: why don't you charge your card?

Me: I don't know if you have been to Colombia but the cab I need to take to the airport doesn't take plastic

Retard: Oh okay so then go to the local Walmart or Walgreens and get cash back...

Me: There are no Walmarts or Walgreens in Medellin...

Retard: oh yeah you said you were in Colombia....

Me:................

Retard: hello?

Me: how do I get my money?

Retard: hmm it's just that I don't see any communication between your account and the ATM

Me: okay....

Retard: yep

Me: so how do I get my money?

Retard: I just don't see any communication between your account and the ATM....

Me: yes.....I....understand that but again what other options do I have to get my money?

Retard: I just don't see any communication between your account and the ATM....

Me:......

Retard: hello?

Me: okay....that's....not.....really an option. A option would be hey go to the bank teller give them your account and ID and ask for a withdrawal. Can I do that!

Retard: No your account doesn't have the benefit of international withdrawals...

Me: okay so what is my other option?

Retard: it's just that...

Me: Don't say it! Don't you fucking say it!!

Retard: I don't see any communication between your account and the ATM....



Me: okay let me say this in a language you may understand.

Retard: uh...

Me: how...do...I THE CLIENT...take out....MY (NOT YOUR) MONEY....from your business that sustains itself from me...THE CLIENT!!!

Retard: It's just that....

Me: do you want me to blow out your eardrums?

Retard: um...no

Me: Then...don't...you....DARE...say what I think your going to say because if you do I honestly don't know what I will do. I am in a foreign country with no access to my money. How am I supposed to eat or go to the airport? Okay I worked in customer service. I remember taking stupid calls with whiners who did not have any problems. THIS is not a stupid problem, I need my money to survive. Your job as a customer service rep is to help me!

Retard: we'll you're just not letting me help you.

After I stopped my blood curdling scream, I ask for a supervisor. He told me the supervisor would not be in for another hour. I told him I would wait on hold till he clocked in. Well that threw him for a loop. Now he is practically begging me to hang up. After a back and forth, he tells me that he needs to get me to the Internet department because the could reset the card and that may work. Before I say anything he transfers me, after another 10 minutes on hold, I hang up and decide to wait the hour for a supervisor.

I relax my nerves in the jacuzzi.

I call back, this time they tell me he's on lunch and won't be back till 1pm. I grit my teeth and hiss fine. The customer service girl says to have a nice day. I hold back the urge to call her a used up cunt with a vagina that looks like a raisin.

Now I know I have 20 bucks in my TD account, I figured I might as well have my last meal. So I get dressed and head to the ATM. On my way there I text Estefani that I am having bank issues and that I will have to cancel our tryst. She texts me back that she feels bad because she misses me but to call or write her when I get back to the states.

Yeah...right. You know I am not an idiot. I have been around the block. I new Estefani would not want to spend time with me if she wasn't getting paid. But I would be lying if I didn't admit that a small part of me wanted to be wrong.

Rule#8 of the Mongering Handbook
Always remember one basic truth, in the end it's all just a illusion.


I take out the 20 bucks worth of pesos from the ATM. As I am about to leave on a lark I put my POPULAR card in the ATM and ask for 500k as a fuck you to the Gods. Well the Gods must be crazy because out pops the money. What happened? Why did it let me take out money now? I have no fucking idea...

I immediately call Estefani and tell her that I fixed my issues with the bank and to come over. She tells me she will, right after she finishes a few errands. I think I know how a junkie feels when he has enough pennies to buy that rock hes craving.

I have been at this for 3 and 1/2 hours. Most of my day is shot. Feeling like the emotional eater that I am, I hit my favorite cafe. I devour the ice cream and feel a lot better I then go to my apt and run into my pot connection. I gladly pay him the 100k and then turn on the TV resigning myself to bumming out for the next two days.

Mr.Ed arrives with a bag of trinkets and acts like I am invisible. He goes to his room and shuts the door. 30 minutes later he emerges from his room bathed and dressed in his finest strip club attire. He again walks past me as if I am a ghost not acknowledging my existence and walks out the apt to throw money at hot women. After all he did say he had "MORE THAN ENOUGH."

So there are I am in my apartment, alone, stoned and to be honest in need of a friend. It's 7:30 and I just know that Estefani is going to flake out on me since she is not responding to my texts or answering my calls. With no other option I text Demi, Infanticide always talks about how much of a cool best friend she can be, so I figured why not? Besides after so much talk over this girl I wanted to know if she lived up to the hype.

She texts me back saying she will be here in an hour. So I roll up another joint and put on SyFy. A hour goes by and no Demi. Two hours go by and she is texting me telling me she's stuck in traffic near my place. It's Sunday in Poblado, I look out my balcony and it's like a ghost town.

Three hours go by and I am thinking to myself this is typical Demi. Shit I haven't even met this girl and I already know what she's like. I text her "Dude are you even coming by?!" the minute I hit send the phone rings, it’s the guard telling me that she's arrived. I head down the elevator expecting to pay for her cab, the doors open and there she is the infamous Demi Moore.

Demi tells me that she doesn't want me to pay since it would be a douche bag move to pay after her being so late.

We go upstairs and chill on the couch. She asks me for a drink, I hand her the last bottle of champagne. She looks at the bottle and says "don't you have something that a pussy wouldn't drink?"

I think I laughed for five minutes straight. I light up a joint and we smoke up. She downs the entire bottle! She then accidentally breaks a glass and freaks out a little. I tell her no biggie, she orders me to stay on the couch and runs to the kitchen and gets a broom and garbage bag. I look at her feet and she is wearing my sneakers as she sweeping the glass. Seeing Demi with her tiny feet and my huge shoes for some reason was the cutest thing I had ever seen.

She then takes off her dress and cuddles next to me in her underwear to share a joint.

The door suddenly opens and Mr.Ed walks in.

"Hey..." I say..

"Hey.." he begins to grumble when he sees Demi "Oh! HEY!!!" he says sarcastically and walks to his room closing the door.

"What's his problem?" Demi asks me

"He's pissed at me." I reply

"He's a prick" she says after taking a puff

"Eh, he's not so bad" I say not wanting to bad mouth my friend (oh the irony)

She then tells me what happened Friday when she met Mr.Ed outside the restaurant we had dinner at. Apparently Demi still talks to her x since he is a frequent visitor to Medellin. They broke up for the usual reasons a monger breaks up with a chica. Anyway they were having an argument when she walked up to the restaurant. After a little bit of Mr.Ed standing awkwardly next to her as she is arguing on the phone, she runs out of minutes. The phone call drops and she asks Mr.Ed to borrow the sim card from the phone he got for Colombia. So she can call her x to tell him she didn't hang up on him out of anger but that her minutes ran out. She calls him tells him this and hangs up. She hands Mr.Ed the sim card and walks out to take the x’s call since we were still eating and she didn't figure it would be a big deal since she didn't want to not interrupt our meal anymore.

As she finishes the call with her x, Mr.Ed comes out and annoyed tells her to fuck off. Which she says she was more than happy to do since she didn't want to be somewhere she wasn't wanted.

Figuring that I was too stoned to make the first move Demi straddled me. "So what you want?" she said in broken English.

"just you hun...just you" I instinctively said

Demi looks at me and rolls her eyes "are you kidding me? Bullshit mother fucker!!" this would be her catch phrase because she would say this constantly.

I had a pretty good laugh at her calling me on my bullshit. I then told her we should hit the bedroom. Which we did with Demi drunk and me stoned it would be an interesting night.

So did Demi live up to the hype, I have to say pretty much yeah. My impression is that if she gets along with you then she really enjoys to fuck. She also loves to call the shots, at one point she said to me

"Listen to me mother fucker, you come when I say, you fuck when I say and you go fast when I say"

I haven't had a girl take charge like that in years, it was a bit of a turn on. I don't think I will ever forget what she did next though. She starts begging me to really go at it, because of this my bed is slamming against the wall. Just bang, bang, bang the sound was echoing through out the apartment.

Then she starts to scream. "RAPE ME!! FUCKING RAPE ME!!!"

Jesus Christ...

I have to admit knowing that Mr.Ed was in the other room forced to hear the girl he never got to fuck screaming on the top of her lungs was kind of sweet. I'm not proud to admit it but it felt good to stick it to him after what I went through that day.

But karma is a bitch because I made the biggest mistake I have ever made in my Mongering life. I am so ashamed that I made this blunder because I never thought I would be so stupid. I really know better but I got caught up in the moment and did not think of the consequences of my actions.

I went down on Demi Moore.

Yep I went down on the most popular hooker in Medellin. Not only that but at one point she grabs my dick and says "I want to feel your cock, can I?"

Now a smart responsible monger would have said fuck no. But I am Coqui, the Homer Simpson of mongers.



Yep I fucked the hooker who as PaulyVegas so eloquently put it "that's a girl has been fucked by every gringo in Medellin in the past six years!"

I'm very lucky that I had cum with a condom so when I fucked her without one I couldn't nut a second time. I tested myself back home and I am happy to say I am STD clean.

Now STI on the other hand....well I am getting ahead of myself.

I just want to say though, I think Demi Moore is an awesome girl. Yeah she's a train wreck but I found her to be a sweet heart and kind of had big brother feelings for her. Except that I wanted to fuck her.....okay yeah that's a little fucked up. But, she's a great girl but I feel I need to post this info so future customers may take proper precautions.

Anyway I distinctly remember thinking while I went down on her "huh...she tastes different...weird" it wasn't a bad taste just different. But I didn't do the math so I just kept on. She was pretty good and I am sure she had a good time because she soaked my bed. Seriously, I had to sleep on the left side of the bed because that side just would not dry.

After a while we finished. I paid her the agreed 150k and she took off. I wouldn't have minded if she had stayed but maybe she knew why she shouldn't. I don't think so but you never know. I went to sleep thinking that I got over my bummed out mood, what I didn't know was that I would be in store for a goodbye surprise from Demi Moore on the day I was to go back....

~Note~
No pics of Demi, I was too stoned and forgot to take them. But here are two more pics of Estefani dressed as Wonder Woman as a thank you for reading my pictureless post..

Photos: Estefani 23 24

Is there a Club Hombre award for Most Wingman Drama?

I applaud you for posting everything . . . warts & all. Certainly has been an interesting read. Waiting for the next chapter.

I agree with Baxter! Great report, lots of good rules, and I love Wonder Woman. Keep up the great work!

Wow. Call Martin Scorsese and JJ Abrams because this is a blockbuster. I stopped in the middle of a workday for an hour reading this post. Somewhere between laughing and crying, I finally had to walk off. I'm not sure if the report was just that crazy, or you are just that skilled as a writer. Damn. I don't even want to beat off thinking about catching strep the way you did. Although, if it's any consolation I completely understand how it happened. Drugs, weird situation with wing man, hot Chica with unexpected sexy attitude, and to top it off being balls deep: definitely potential for serious bullshit. You should throw up some serious prayers to whatever mongering god you pray to. Damn.… Damn. I think we should bestow a medal or something on you. Purple Heart? Purple nuts? I will pray for you.

I just fucked her the other day and she acts markedly different around me. Here's a pic for your report.

Photo: Demi

Ah lovely Demi I remember those well, I wonder if she knows the trouble she got me in. Infanticide does this mean we may get another legendary report out of you?

Bd thank you sir for the compliment. I thank the monger gods everyday cause it could have been a lot worse. I would like to say that I have learned from my experience but as I said before I am the Homer Simpson of mongers so who knows what the future holds

I was in Medellin last week for a few days to break up with my "girlfriend." Demi was my rebound I guess. I'm sure reporting on my experiences will prove to be therapeutic, so I probably will when I get around to it. My biggest problem is that I write too much, so my reports take me awhile to produce.