BOTTOM LINE: Although not a primary "monger" or tourist destination, Hat Yai (or Haad Yai) is a big city and there is plenty of action. If you don't like what you see, tell your driver to move on to the next place.

CONDOM USE: The girls have strict attitudes about condom use here. (Based on a sample of three girls.)

LANGUAGE: Many Thai phrases that I can relyably say understandably in tourist areas and elsewhere were not understood here. They would often tell me to speak Thai after I said something in Thai! The accents and slang are different down here.

I happened to spend a night here after doing a quick exit/re-entry at the Malaysian border. An English-speaking huckster for the tour company that brought me here by mini-van warned me that because of the Chinese New Year, the only room I would find, if I could find one, would cost over 1000 baht.

Predictably, every place I checked had vacancies. The guest houses quoted me 700 to 800 baht for a room. The hotels were cheaper (!) and told me 250, 450, and 450. I settled on the Montien Hotel on Niphat Uthit Road: they gave me an air-conditioned room with hot shower for 450 baht. There was a similiar-looking hotel next door. No shortage of lodging here.

You get around by "motorbike" or tuk-tuk (which here is a covered pickup truck). Most of the places my drivers took me were called "Ancient Massage" places or were Karaoke places with a handful of girls. Finally one motorbike driver took me to a place where I went upstairs into a well-lit room with about twenty girls. Paydirt! I like a number to choose from. One stood out among the rest: a lovable-looking, fair-haired one with a bright smile. There were some other customers in there (all Asian men) so I quickly evaluated the rest of the girls to see if any of them could top the babe. None could, so I went with her for 2000 baht. I paid there. This was to be for "long time," which, I was told, went until 10 a.m. The management jotted down my hotel and room number on a clip board.

By the time went downstairs and outside, she had become touchy-feely and turned out to have a nice, soft body --non-athletic, but very feminine and well proportioned. I was not disappointed by her face when I saw it up close. She was also somewhat top-heavy. The pictures don't really do her justice. (I was just discussing with Greengrasser how photos fall short.)

Long story short: She was affectionate, cuddly, and an exceptionally gentle kisser. When she disrobed, I saw nothing wrong with her bod. Real breasts, no tattoos, nice shape with just the right amount of feminine fat. She looked good enough to eat, and that is what I did, for about fifteen minutes. Before donning a condom, I offered myself and she willingly went down on me and BIT my right testicle! OUCH! WHAT in the FUCK was THAT all about! I yelped in pain, of course, and lost my erection, of course. I told her not to do that, and the bitch did it again! I told her to cut that shit out in no uncertain terms. She promised not to do it again, and then bit my nipple! OUCH! She then handled my totally limp dick and looked up at me and asked how old I was. Whatever she had in appearance she sure the fuck lacked in bedside manner, lemme tell ya!

I told her to "get the fuck out" and started getting dressed myself to go back and get my fucking 2000 baht back. When we got out on the street she got in the back of a truck said something to the effect of: Yeah, you go back there and tell him. I got in and told her she was going, too. She had been yapping in Thai on her cell phone to who knows who.

(Hint: This is a bad girl story with an ultimately happy ending.)

We got back there and I demanded a total refund. They said she said claimed that I made love to her without a condom! TOTAL BULL SHIT! I was already pissed to begin with, but this was too much! I said BULL SHIT and demanded my 2000 baht back. Some of the other girls had pulled the lying bitch around to the side of the place to talk to her. When they brought her around to take her back in the entrance, I demanded that the bitch tell the fucking truth! When I tried to follow her inside, mamasan held my wrist with all her might. I just pulled her in tow, and one of the men held her other arm. I pulled them both in tow, but slowly, yelling at the lying bitch who was now well inside. I was just in the doorway. Finally I pulled free and fell forward onto the floor inside.

Evidently the bouncer thought my ass belonged to him at that point. I had only sat up when he started tearing my shirt and whaling on me with his knees. He was a wiry Thai boxer and his knee strikes were speed-of-sound. His left knee was trying for my crotch --off limits in Thai boxing, but this was a dark bar with me trying to get up off the floor. I protected my balls --the lying bitch had already gotten me accustomed to that earlier-- but his right knee got me behind my left ear. Bang! He stopped a few seconds later when he figured I didn't want any more. I wasn't knocked out, but I cautiously sat in the doorway for a few seconds to make sure I was OK.

Long story short: the management said they didn't know who to believe but that they would refund 1500 baht. I took it. I had earlier argued that they should give me 4000 for damages. My nipple showed no teeth marks, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt. I had nothing to show them in that regard. Now my shirt was torn, and that had cost me over 1000 baht in the states, but screw it. I settled for the 1500 baht and some disgraceful cursing and finger-giving as my driver and I pulled away.

A voice in my head said, "You should have gotten to your feet and roundhoused him." Then I thought, yeah right. Thai boxer. I'm sure it would have been the first roundhouse kick the guy had ever encountered. Plus, I haven't kicked the bag around in more than ten years; it would have been slow-motion city. It might have surprised him, but I doubt it.

The sign in front was all in Thai characters, but I copied it onto a card. I switched drivers and had my new driver take me to the Tourist Police where I intended to make any trouble I could for them, although I didn't have any realistic hope of doing so. The cops told me that the commission to the driver who originally brought me there was 500 baht, so the place made zero on the deal. This was also a pretty comical scene. I had drawn a picture of a dick and balls for the cops and explained where the lying bitch bit me. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror and had to laugh because it looked cool: my shirt was torn to shreds around both shoulders and my collar was halfway off, hanging down my back. My driver saw me laughing at this sight and laughed also.

I respect the bouncer for doing his job well. I was not even slightly injured. He had gotten me to panic a bit and submit. I don't know how much of this was by design and how much was me fending him off. I looked like hell just because of the shirt, so I'm sure his employers were satisfied. He didn't do anything nasty, like an eye poke, but again, I never really had a chance. Probably worked out for the better.

Anyone who wants a picture of the lying biter (fully clothed), e-mail me at: tjdick@hotmail.com

Chapter 2:
Had my new driver take me around. I felt good with my new attitude from the bouncer, and knowing that the place had made very little off me, the fuckweasels.

Got another girl, not quite as pretty at first, but tall and dark. The next morning her cell phone went off and she chatted for a minute. A short while later came a knock on the door. What the ? It was not quite 8:30 a.m. She got up and opened the door, and two of her cutie-butt friends came in. One was *really* cute! Don't know why they were there --I think just to chat about going to BKK later that day. Hey, it's my room! So I helped myself to hugging the really cute one who had sat down on the bed. I offered 1000 baht for her to stay with us until 10:00 a.m. She agreed, the other one left, and she went into the bath room for about ten minutes. The overnight girl and I were calling her to come out. She did, acting very shy, wrapped in a towel. I think she was hung-up about the other girl seeing her nude? She got under the sheets, I removed the towel, and WOW!! She had an IMMACULATE body! It was amazing! Gosh, what a knock-out body! WHat those clothes hide! She had nice EVERYTHING and a tender swath of black pubic hair. WOW. I immediately began kissing her all over. This was about all I was good for because I was worn out by now. My overnight sweetie rolled onto her side to turn away from us.

She wouldn't quit giggling and fidgeting. My patience had already been worn out from lack of sleep, waiting for her to quit stalling and come out of the bath room, and then I caught her knee in my jaw. I said all right, that's it. Out you go. I fished my 1000 baht note out of her coin purse and sent them both off, then I headed for the train station and points north.

And the wind blew, and the shit flew, and so ends our story.

I like people who don't take getting ripped off calmly.

I am always amazed at folks who go to the lengths that you did, to avoid getting ripped off. I have found that it is simply not worth it in places like Thailand. An awful day here is far superior to the best days I have in the USA. I need not elaborate on the fact that the bouncer could just as easily have KILLED you and would not have even
have thought twice about it. Your behavior in foreign countries is your business, but I would urge you to avoid any angry displays in Thailand. Far too many farangs are beaten to a pulp and killed everyday for relatively minor incidents. Life is cheap there...don't put yourself in unnecessary danger. Just some friendly advice.

You ripped yourself off with the cute friend. You lucky you didn't get a second visit from a boyfriend.
Another ugly american?

TJ I'm glad everything eventually turned out all right for you , but I have to agree with Rapidofreddy . For the sake of any newbies, what you did was potentially very dangerous. The girl could have been on the cell phone with her boyfriend who could have met you with a group of thugs. The police will do little for you and in fact you are admitting to illegal activities !! Remember prostitution is illegal in Thailand. Your story could have landed you in jail very easily. I have seen several farang beaten to a pulp in my years in LoS. Some over situations less tense than yours. I saw one guy get totally trashed by 5 young Thai guys when he walked out of a bar in Patpong. I went in and asked WTF happened and was told by one of the girls that he had dissed a pole hugger who approached him by telling her she was "too ugly to fuck " . A cell phone call led to subsequent events. To all newbies-- be careful out there ! Remember you have little or no control over what happens here. Do not raise your voice and keep calm and you should be able to get out of most tough spots. The Thai's live by " mai pen rai "- it doesn't matter. Keep that attitude and you will be safe and have a great time.

Again TJ-- not an attack on what you did, but a warning for others. I'm glad you are OK, but could have had very different outcome obviously.

KM, I thought prostitution was technically legal in Thailand, in that a woman could receive money in exchange for sex. I thought it was pimping that was illegal. Not that I'm up to date on Thai law!

Murasaki my friend. Prostitution is indeed illegal, although obviously as with many Thai laws the enforcement is another question altogether. I was making the point that the Thai police are rarely going to take the side of a farang when there is a dispute between a Thai and a farang.They could ,if they wanted to, suddenly remember that there was a crime committed i.e. prostitution and take both to jail. The Thai girl would be quickly sent home the farang shaken down for payment to get out of jail. It has happened more than once believe me. My moto-- NEVER call the Thai police unless you are dealing with life and death situation. You never know what kind of cop will respond. Some of them are honest , but precious few. The loss of 2,000 baht is not worth the risk IMHO !!

"NEVER call the Thai police"

I think this goes for more than just the Thai police! A couple of years ago I made the mistake of asking a Tijuana Policeman for directions ... a $50 mistake. I have traveled in many countrys many times and I have been robbed only four times. One time I turned my back on my luggage at the airport and it disappeared (only to be returned to me several days later with just a pair of Levi's missing) The other three times I have been robbed all have been at the hands of Policemen.

McDIJJ

OK, now I'll try to post photos...
THIS LYING BITCH BIT MY TESTICLES! These are the only two frames I shot of her so of course they do not do her justice. She had nice natural breasts, too.

Photo: Jaws 1 Jaws 2

...sheesh, and that was after I performed 15 minutes of my most loving cunnilingus on her, too. What is the world coming to?

McDijj: You could probably tell I wrote some of that report when it was "fresh off the press," and I avoided toning it down later because I know it's sometimes amusing to others when I get worked up. :^)

694me: You are right. I regret that I had been so short on patience and semen. The friend of the girl I slept with was really a knockout. It will bug me for a while. It was thirty seconds of pleasurable groping I will never forget, though.

I'm glad to have the input from the rest of you, too, because I have never seen anyone beaten up in Thailand and am surprised to learn it has happened to farang. Khun Mor, regarding that farang at Pat Pong: I used to have a mouth like that when I was a teenager. I got rid of the mouth and that's why I'm still alive today. It's spiritually bad (bad karma or however you want to say it) to utter displeasing speech, but especially when it's as unnecessary as that.

Things could have worked out worse for her as well, for example: a sick mofo in my shoes could have paid someone else to go get her the next night --after identifying her with the photographs-- and bring her to a secluded rendezvous point (like secluded hotel room obtained with a fake name) for whatever awaits. I would never do something like that and believe that is why I came out unscathed. The bouncer, I think, had payback on his mind as well, and tempered himself. Like I said, I had a bruised noggin, but nothing serious. Non-violence begets non-violence, I think.

Man!! Look at the size of those canines!

TJdick,

I've been in your shoes with the rip off thing. For more details refer to my Trip Report on Cambodia called "Fresh off the Boat" Chapter called "Night 2". After that episode I felt about 2 inches tall. I fell better about myself when I behave like I did in the chapter "Arrival in Phnom Pehn". Maybe there is a little bit more Red Neck Mother in some of us than we would like to admit ... "He's 44 and still kickin' Hippie's asses and raising hell" After all, I was raised on John Wayne.

McDIJJ

LOL - How appropriate that your rip off story is from Scambodia, the Mecca of Rip Off! I will read it after taking a dip in the Gulf of Thailand; I've been paying two baht per minute for the last few hours! (Now I'll have Redneck Mothers going in my head as I snorkel! Geez, that's going back more than twenty years.)