Conscience

“It was the best of times and the worst of times.”

It’s 5:20 in the morning. I’ve just returned from an evening of cavorting with Don and Karl and crew. Something had to ease the pain of the day, and once again the lads of RioTrips.com came through.

My time with the wife was a portrait of pain. Now before anyone critiques this post, permit me to assure you that I felt compelled to commit my experience to writing prior to sleeping, while the nerve endings are still raw. Forgive the ramblings as the suds may have soaked my brain cells.

Remember when wifey called, distraught after breaking up, and wanted to see me again? Knowing full well that this meeting might thrust me right back into the turmoil that has overshadowed this trip, I agreed to see her. During that conversation, I told her I had cancelled my plans to stay here for a month or longer and would be leaving someday this week. The reason? Without her, Rio just wasn’t the same.

My heart beat faster when I saw her emerge from the cab. She arrived looking like a million bucks. On the way to Marios for dinner I couldn’t help savoring the feel of her in my arms. With the bottle of wine served, I preceded ‘the question’ with an honest statement of how I felt.

“You are really remarkable. You’ve worked at a terma to get your stake together and started your own business, forsaking the relative income and comfort of being a garota de programma. You are intelligent and hard working. Congratulations. In the process of doing so, you’ve taken a boyfriend and remained loyal to him. I am proud of you. Since we’ve been apart, I have not slept well for two days. You remain in my thoughts constantly. Without a doubt, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever met.”

“My question is – why did you call me back?”

Following a very pregnant pause, her response caught me off guard. “I want you to come and stay with me in my apartment for a month.” I am stunned. The tears welling up in her eyes pierce me. “And after that, another month, and another month”.

Gut-wrenching. Earlier this week she had been talking with me, probing for a reason to keep seeing me. When she dumped me, in my heart I knew it was for the best. Why? Because only one of us had left the program. Having bridged the cavernous gap from P4P provider to small business owner, she stood proudly on the other side beckoning me to come with her. Oh how I wanted to recklessly plunge headfirst across that bridge, take her hand and join her. Since she had hit me with a tremendous curve ball, I asked for time to consider this. We enjoyed an intimate meal that was just like old times, frequently peppered with her smile that lights up the entire room. Returning to my apartment and getting on the bed together, she asked me if I was ready yet to tell her if I would move in.

Oh the temptation. How I wanted to just lay there and bring on some of the best sex of my life by saying 'yes'. But I knew in my heart that would be leading her on and doing the wrong thing.

For personal reasons of which she is aware, it’s just not the right time. I reminded her of those reasons. I also reminded myself why it is far better and simpler to pay for each session in dollars. Walking away from her might be the hardest thing I have had to do in years.

I am recovering from this, however the price she and I have paid has been high. If nothing less, I am proud of myself as well. The natural urge is to stay with her for the incredible fun and sex we share. That would be lying not only to her, but to myself as well.

I will follow her progress. Perhaps she will be one of the EXCEPTIONALLY few persons who leaves the program and stays on the other side. As a business owner myself, I know that she likely faces tough times ahead financially. It will be interesting to see how strong her resolve to stay out of the lucrative terma life will be. “May she be the one who makes it”.

Rebounding With A Vengeance

At Bens advice, I have turned to the following tactics to ease the pain

1. Drink heavily
2. Smoke several Cuban cigars
3. Fuck as many girls as you can

These three volunteered to help me get over the wife. I have a lot of catching up to do, right?

Photo: Three For Me

01

Hope to have the video edited and out soon. Wait – what the hell is this? Am I throwing out teasers now like the antlered student I met here last month?

PB

Oh and a million thanks to all for the advice received not only on this thread, but in the many emails and hombre inbox.

PB

Who is that cutie in the middle? where can I find her next time in town?

If she and the other two didn't get you mind off things. Well go back for seconds and try again and again until you can't remember YOUR own name.


keep your head up. (both)
-NYL

The blond is my style. Does she have e-mail?

PB,

Your wifey is one slick garota. She had this ploted out since Buzios. She is doing the same mind games as it was given to me during the high school era. Your a world traveler, dont let this one garota ruin your vacation. You'll find another diamond in a few days.
I been in the same boat in Rio. It's tough for the first few weeks, but a buddy told me
"your in brazil, in a place where other guys will love to be. Get your shit together and hit the town for another garota"

Tell her in the past few days, she had broken your heart and the feelings had went away and it will be very hard to bring them back like before and it's best not to see each other.
She'll go nuts.........

CN

PB;
I admire your choices!Can't go wrong being consistant
with your beliefs.

TN

PB,

I feel for you ,having been in similar situations. I applaud your conviction and your integrity. You will always do better in the long run by sticking to your principles and being honest. Obviously this will prove to be somewhat painful for a time, but you will save a great deal of pain on both sides if you remain strong. I recommend liberal doses of feminine flesh and intense physical pleasure. This will not get rid of the pain , but it will serve as an excellent distraction. (I am reminded of the Warren Zevon song, "Finising Touches") You seem to have made an excellent start in the right direction. Keep up the good work.

The Artist and TN

It is so rewarding to have handled this the way I have. She is 21 and has her entire adult life ahead of her. I am almost twice her age with so many miles on my life odometer. How much better it is to take the high road and keep her on the straight and narrow.

I felt great today while visiting Solarium with BluesTravller. In fact, after watching him do SOOO many duplas, I even scooped up a spinner and a stunner for a session myself. Very fulfilling

PB

Those who want contact info on the threesome in the above pic are best to ask Sandman. Being the true friend that he is, he thought I could use a little cheering up after such a tough time with wifey.
It was HIM who arranged this menage-a-trois (or is that menage-a-quatro?)... Thanks bro!

PB

We should all have such good friends. Enjoyed your story. Thanks for sharing it. Damn that is a cutie in the middle.

B2

I have never tried a dupla at Solarium.What are their policies about duplas? I have always found their facilities a bit dicey ,and I would be interested in knowing the particulars.(Did they double charge for the room...did you use a suite...what was the time constraint...etc?)Enquiring minds want to know.

PoohBear:

If prostitution is the oldest profession, then mens' relationships with prostitutes has got to be the oldest conversation. When I was new to this site, I used to like to post about these things. I might add that there was a lively discussion of this exactly a year ago on the sexual addiction thread (see ClubHombre.com: -Men's Health-: -Sex Talk: Sexual Addiction). Here's a post of mine from that thread that OBVIOUSLY applies to you. Just substitute Brazil, Cuba, or any whoring destination for TJ...

.....

Ya know, I think that many of us can help ourselves by acknowledging that there's a self-medication aspect to mongering. The concept of "self-medication" comes from the drug addiction and treatment literature. The idea is that at some level, we are drawn to prostitutes because we have difficulties dealing with painful emotional experiences, past and present. We all hunger for loving, nurturing, fulfilling sexual relationships with women, whether we admit it or not. Some of us avoid being in committed relationships because we tend to end up with women who seem intrusive, or dishonest, or worse. We may also cringe at the puritanical, restrictive sexual expectations so typical of our American culture. Others of us are simply burned out from significant or repeated rejection by the women we have coveted. If our childhoods involved significant loss, rejection, or lack of connection, the pain truly runs deep, although we may not be aware of it.

In other words, some of us are vulnerable to the "drug" of prostitution because of preexisting emotional pain that prevents successful adaptation to adult life. Going to prostitutes is an attempt to fill up psychological holes resulting from existential pain. (Hey Beavis! He said "holes" Heh heh, huh huh)

If you are a "self-medicator," it makes sense that you'll seek more than simple sexual contact with the chicas. Especially after the most incredible sexual encounters with a prostitute, you may paradoxically feel empty and unfulfilled at some level. In other words, you received what you thought would be 100% fulfilling, and it wasn't. (in the same way, many lottery winners ultimately are miserable. All that money isn't as fulfilling as they expected it to be). It makes sense that you would want more (i.e., perhaps that deeper emotional connection that has been elusive for so long).

If you believe the self-medication theory applies to you, you can help yourself in various ways. The first is simple awareness. This is an awareness that going to TJ is more complicated than just going to have a good time; "just boning chicks". The act "serves a function"--the function of reducing pain; of trying to approximate a loving yet eternally elusive relationship.

From there, you are in a position to see that there is psychological pain, along with pleasure, from going to prostitutes. They can provide you with incredible, affirming sex, and they may be very enjoyable people. But the chances of them providing that ideal, nurturing love relationship is practically nil. (And, their choice of career doesn't exactly correlate with loving, nurturing, monogomous, devoted, reliable behaviors, in case y'all haven't noticed). Even though we know this at some level, the part of us that craves more will actually suffer following yet another elusive encounter.

Ultimately, I think a mindful, nonattached perspective is the key. Be conscious, experience things as they truly are, and recognize that suffering is something generated internally. (If you don't think that sounds totally wierd, check out buddhist and yogic perspectives... Cool stuff.)

Obviously, I enjoy spoofing the whole concept of deep emotional attachment to TJ working girls (e.g., my thread, "I married a TJ Prostitute" from last week). It isn't that I think y'all are fools for wanting more from them. However, I think the desire isn't based on rational or realistic thinking. I struggle with the same feelings periodically with ma favoritas. In fact, I think the TJ working girls have much to offer us beyond the roll in the sack. Most importantly, I believe that the pain that many of you feel now does not come out of a void. You may think that it was caused by the experience with a particular chica, but in fact the pain has been there a long time.

p.s. I need to go to Rio and find three volunteers to help me simultaneously...

I will go with you.

Glad things are on the rebound, PB. You made not only a good decision, but a wise one, I think.

Hopefully your wifey will be one of those who makes it. I have an ex from 4X4 who started her own business--a surf shop--and it is thriving. I still see her now, but the relationship is different and even better than before. Her independence has allowed us to have a genuine friendship, with no confusion brought on by the P4P issue. Maybe the same possibility will exist for you and wifey.


BTW, are you extending the stay or cutting in short?

BD
Good for you with the ex from 4x4. That is exactly the type of relationship I hope ex-wifey and I can share. Whether or not we see each other again, she has gained my respect as a friend.

My initial plan was to come here for 10 days and then extend up to 30 days more. At this time, however I will likely be returning to the states in the next few days. There are some things I need to get done in the U.S.

The Artist
My dupla at Solarium was very unusual. First off, there were no suites available, so we sessioned on a single bed. I think it was 100 Reals for either girl and 40 for the room. My favorite position was doing doggie with the other girl standing/straddling the dog with her tits in my face. I could keep my hands going from either bunda to the tits.
The session was only 40 minutes, not an hour, but that was just fine. I finished at 30 minutes, allowing 5 minutes for photos after 5 minutes to clean up.

PB,
Thanks for the info. I was not aware that the single room/two girl configuration was an option.
As you probably know there are termas who double charge for the room with duplas (L'Uamo for example).I refer to this as the Bi-sexual tax.
since you mention favorite positions, I will offer mine. Girls in 69 position with me in doggie. This allows the down girl to either give oral attention to her friend's clit or to my balls or below while having her clit done as well. I also like to do one girl in missionary with the other girl sitting on her face. This allows kissing with the up girl as well as excellent visuals.

THE Artist
With emphasis on the word THE. Dude, you slay me, 'casually' inserting a visual to illustrate your point. You belong in the hall of fame.
DonwhoismoreautisticthanartisticGringo

Dogster;
Sexual addiction is a very ritualized compulsivity.Drivivng up and down a street that is
crowded with hookers,rarely picking one up.
Downloading reems of porn trying to find just the
right picture.Tooling up the winding window streets
of Amsterdam searching for the perfect ass,goin from the Patpong to Soi Cowby to NaNa Plaza."she must be in those other buidibgs.Extreamley time consuming and focused behaior that takes us away from our intolerable realities.
The rub in Rio,especially for newbies is that the
pro encounters in the states and west.europe are pretty much low impact and for the most part easily
put behind us.I believe that the "trade"if you wish, in Brazil takes on a much more user friendly attitude,confusung all we who make the claim to
Attachment Disorders.We're not ready for the incomming intesity,get blinsided by the emotions
we either thought weren't there,or that we could keep them at least in check, tethered to us,
catching us unaware.Most of us travel to Rio
for fun and fuking.A fair number com back hurting
and reaching out for help to stop their slide,but
not really wanting to.Those who are giving advise
on Tues. about how to avoid this quiksand are often
sinking in the same sand by Sat.I guess we could
consider this an abnormal response to abnormal
stimulis.
Christ,we're all bozos on this bus.
Absent all the stories,good and painful i would'nt
have got near as close to some of these guy as i
feel.Alcazar can get pretty teary at times,followed
immediately by hoots of laughter at ourselves.In
any case the people who do that "right"thing following some emotional hailstorm are the guys
i want to hang around with.Lack of Neurosis makes
for boring people.

TN

Travellersn:
"Alcazar can get pretty teary at times,followed
immediately by hoots of laughter at ourselves". Hey, I was there, and even ate a few steak sandwiches with those whackos. Actually, it was a great scene, they were great, but there's no known cure for the Camilla addicts.

Dogster;
Sure there is.Gun therapy!putting them all out of our misery.

"We're all bozos on this bus." Indeed! Long live the FST.

Directions to 4x4..."Centrally located and barely a stones throw from the tomb of the unregistered voter." Ah yes...the days when I spoke fluent FST...like Shakespeare and the Bible providing an appropriate quote for every situation.

Dogster,
There is a great deal of truth in your analysis re addiction, however I object to your chacterization of the hobby as universally pathalogical.It is dangerous to generalize about complex human motivations. "We ALL hunger for loving,nuturing, fullfilling sexual relationships with women." I'm not certain that this is quite accurate or that the (admittedly limited) relationship that professional girls provide is not "fullfilling" in exactly the way some of us prefer. The enjoyment of a sexual life that includes many women without an intense and complicated interpersonal relationship with one woman is not necessarily the default position of one who is somehow emotionally crippled and incapable of a "normal" relationship.Yes, we are all shaped by our emotional experiences...good and bad...but the results can not always be defined in terms of sickness.

Bless you all for this compelling, honest and soul-searching conversation regarding hobbying, emotions and this perpetual (ephemeral, if you don't believe in reincarnation) journey we're on.
Yes, I too am a clown on the bus. Just one question: Who's driving?

Somebody's driving?

Deanyc;
Camilla,who else!
Bwana;
FST was the best!

The Artist wrote:
"There is a great deal of truth in your analysis re addiction, however I object to your chacterization of the hobby as universally pathalogical."

I didn't mean to characterize the hobby as universally pathological. I'm not sure where I said that, or even implied that. But now that you mention it, I welcome the chance to say that everyone who participates at this website is patholigical, especially PoohBear, that sick bastard. And Rich, too. And for all you TJ types, lets make sure we add Ben to the list.

The Artist continues...
"It is dangerous to generalize about complex human motivations. "We ALL hunger for loving,nuturing, fullfilling sexual relationships with women." I'm not certain that this is quite accurate or that the (admittedly limited) relationship that professional girls provide is not "fullfilling" in exactly the way some of us prefer. The enjoyment of a sexual life that includes many women without an intense and complicated interpersonal relationship with one woman is not necessarily the default position of one who is somehow emotionally crippled and incapable of a "normal" relationship.Yes, we are all shaped by our emotional experiences...good and bad...but the results can not always be defined in terms of sickness."

I don't disagree with you. I think you might be stretching my words a bit, as well as the gist of what I was saying. But I agree with you that some people don't "hunger" for those sorts of emotional attachments, whether simple or intense and complicated. The passage was directed at anyone who might be "self-medicating" by using the hobby. I'll certainly accept that not everyone does this. But there sure are plenty who do.

(Hey, I thought all artists were tragic romantic types who would resonate with the pathos of my words while savoring their own exquisite, sweet, sublimated, melancholy existential pain. What gives?)

Dogster;
Yes.Through prayer and medication!

TN

Dogster;
I have always believed all great art is born of pain,
but so is misery.I think existentialism went the way
of the polyester pant,angst follwing high and close
behind the parade of tye dyed shit manufacturers,
Soupy Sales marshalling them all to a better place!
Woolworths.I hear told by the ONES in the know that
Timothy Leary is giving the "lack of commencement
speech" HONK,HONK!

TN

Dogster aka The Berkley BullShitter.

While we are happily patronizing the worlds oldest profession, you sieze the opportunity to 'liberally' sprinkle your Oprah-esque psychobabble upon us. And on my thread nonetheless!!!

I hope I don't get a bill from you for this!

WHAT DOGSTER SAID WAS:
" The idea is that at some level, we are drawn to prostitutes because we have difficulties dealing with painful emotional experiences, past and present."

WHAT DOGSTER REALLY MEANT TO SAY:
When Mom cancelled our subscription to National Geographic, I was hurt so badly that I paid Sally from 3rd Period Science two cookies for a kiss ON THE LIPS behind the lunch counter.

THE REBUTTAL:
Does this mean that those who are monogomous or do not 'pay' for sex outright are somehow better equiped to deal with their past or present pains? How then would you explain all of the faithfully married wackjobs out there?

WHAT DOGSTER SAID WAS:
"Others of us are simply burned out from significant or repeated rejection by the women we have coveted."

WHAT DOGSTER MEANT WAS:
"Carmen Electra is a complete bitch; how dare she not return my calls! Why, if it weren't for that damn restraining order, I swear I'd..."

THE REBUTTAL:
Sportfucking is all about enjoying what you can't otherwise have - WITHOUT the baggage. Better yet, even if we COULD have it these girls (like Godfather for example), we might be paying them to LEAVE afterwards!

In all seriousness Dogster, I can honestly say I was just looking forward to another great time with a favorita who I actually cared about as a friend. That is rare. After all, who would you rather fuck than a friend?

Bend over

This could be the beginning of... oh never mind.

Dogster-You seem to be the resident psychologists amongst us. What say ye about PB's and my exploits of the world or better yet, this whole mongering shamelessness?

In my professional opinion, yer all a bunch of sick bastards.

Well said and thanks for the compliment. We resemble that remark.

sandy

You are welcome.

Dogster
Sick Bastard in Training