1) God bless these chicas – what a (very) few of them lack in physical assets, they make up for in other ways, on-stage and off. This one slightly-plain chica used a cigarette, and later a beer bottle, as props on stage. The (lit) cigarette ended up eventually in her panocha, and back into the lucky lips of the gringo who gave it to her. The beer bottle “suffered” a similar fate. I told my new buddy (dude from Nogales, AZ) that I’d give her $20 for that bottle! I was seconds away from doing just that when she walked off stage. FUCK!!! Next time…
2) There’s some chica there – damn near six-foot-tall – nice body but… I swear to God her face looks like a man’s. Me and my new bud thought the same thing, and just kind of sat there watching and wondering. I looked for all the tell-tale signs – not too muscular, great ass, big-boned but not benching 250#, couldn’t see the adam’s apple, small chested and didn’t take off her top. She did take off her bottom, and it looked like a panocha from where I was sitting, but a good surgeon can do wonders… But that face – eerie. Two other things piqued my curiosity about this chica and if she’s a TV or a transsexual.
a) Kayla said something like “there’s that guy…” when the lady-looks-like-a-dude went on stage, but I have no idea if she was referring to him/her
b) I saw, I think, a TV walking down the street on my way to Rio
c) some club about 3 doors down was advertising a TV show (yes, THAT kind of TV show – LOL). So, who knows? No one seemed to be any the wiser, and I could be dead wrong. Plus, some dude took “her” upstairs (for like 20 minutes…) I asked the nice-guy mesero, Alex de Lipsticks, about her. I didn’t know her name, but Alex seemed to know exactly who I was talking about. He just said, “She’s a strange girl…” I didn’t have Placer’s pegged as a joint to put a TV on stage, but who knows. It’s just… that face…
3) I swear to God, I don’t know what the Nogales version of the National Anthem is, but it sure is fuck something by GUNS-N-ROSES. Only bad thing about Placers (besides being a bit pricey – but worth it), is IT’S TOO FUCKING LOUD. WTF are they thinking – if you can’t hear yourself think, that you’re going to spend more money???
4) I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: IT’S TOO FUCKING DARK IN THERE. Well, at least this time, they turned some lights on around the stage so you could see the pussy. Maybe they got the message… But – when no one is on stage, it’s darker than a fucking movie theater! How dark is it? Well, it is as if it’s a ploy to make you feel drunker than you really are. Here’s how it works: You go to the bathroom, which is very well lit, with white tile and mirrors reflecting the light into your already widely dilated pupils. Then you walk out of the bathroom into a pitch black bar with all kinds of obstacles to run into - like black tables, black chairs, girls, waiters, etc. Then the pièce de résistance - there’s this little, six inch high “ramp” on the floor that joins what was formerly two different buildings – and since you can’t fucking see it, you trip on it – every time. If you’re lucky, you will not fall flat on your ass. But you will look and feel like a drunken idiot – guaranteed.
So, over to Lipstick I go. First, I had to ask if my ex-novia was there – she wasn’t, so I go in. Then, I ask Alex if mi amiga is there – “no”. WTF??? She hasn’t been here tonight – at all? “Nope”. FUCK!!! ½ beer later and it’s off to the last un-spoiled place (for me) in town – Rio! I walked extra fast so as not to get too fucking depressed…
BTW – Lipstick’s was totally dead, but Placer’s was totally rockin’. I give up trying to find the best place in town. Thankfully, they’re all within three blocks of each other.
BTW – what’s the story on Mike (the American “money-handler”) at Rio? Seems like a nice guy – just haven’t had the chance to chat with him yet. Anyone know his story?
I only had about enough time and money for 2 or 3 table dances. Another mesero got to me before mi amigo, Michaelo. Funny, this other guy (didn’t catch his name) is exactly the same size/build, and dresses almost exactly the same as Michaelo. If you are a little near-sighted, you might mistake them. But, before I even got the chance to ask him, “Which chica do you recommend” – he promised to pick out the very best girl for me (he knew I was a little down on my luck). I was skeptical, but not for long.
Alejandra from Tijuana (no shit…) Not the prettiest gal in town, but pretty cute - I’d give her about an 8. Damn fine body, though. I think her skin is made of honeydew or some such nonsense. MrBill has a very hard time getting GFE on hotel dates (well, I’m 1 for 2 anyway, with one no-show) – but, damn – I must be the king of the GFE lapdance!! (Don’t say it, I’ll say it for you – “So is every other loser with $8, ass-hole!!) Anyhoo, besides the usual tits and ass grope-a-thon, she otherwise treated me like a long lost boyfriend. I got about 3 songs worth of lapdance for one ticket, partially because I gave her quite the nice massage. Some chicas just want to get yer dough and split – on to the next guy’s lap. But Alejandra was not going anywhere. Two happy campers. Awwww…
Note to self – those meseros at Rio know what they are fucking talking about – you heard it from MrBill. Do yourself a favor and patronize this place – toss em’ a tip and tell them MrBill sent you.
Funny thing about Alejandra, well a couple. 1) One is that she’s from TJ. How long have you been in Nogales? “Six months”. Did you work in the bars in TJ? “No – my family would kill me”. I like to believe the chicas that seem honest (and some of them actually are) – but… who knows. 2) She had green contact lenses that fucking glowed in the black-lit bar (like a lot of things do under black light). That was a little bit freaky… I would have liked it, really, but for one thing - being a paranoid idiot, I was afraid to mention her eyes because I thought she might have cataracts or something. See, I told you I was an idiot! LOL And as if to complete the eerie ambiance, her teeth kind of glowed in the same green hue. Nice, white teeth, but why were they glowing in a faint, florescent green? Maybe that’s what AquaFresh looks like under black light? LOL Anyway, bonus points for creativity.
So, I tell Alejandra that if she gives me another lapdance like that one (!) complete with massage courtesy of MrBill, I’ll buy her a drink. What a fucking sweetheart -- She knew that I didn’t have enough money to private her, so she got a whiskey-n-water (crime against humanity) for REGULAR PRICE - $4.00. Good girl! I’m in love for the third time tonight! But she has to go do a private first, so I wait (FUCK! I waste so much time waiting on these chicas…) 3:00 AM, closing time, and no Alejandra. So I grab the first warm body I see and it’s off to the races. Same ol’, same ol’ – 6 minutes of paradise…
Then, mesero #2 asks me if I want a private with her. Sure, but the place is closed and I’m broke. “We go to ATM – come on – hurry!” WTF… I explain that I’ve already maxed out my $300/day ATM limit, but he’s not dissuaded (guess he gets a commission…) Who knows, maybe the damned Mexican ATM’s aren’t hooked into the US banking system. But, apparently they are. No money, but I did notice a LOT of kiddies on the street. More on that later – you don’t want to miss this…
So, to make a agonizingly long story even longer, mesero #2 hustles me right back to Rio. He’s walking too fast for me to find out why he even bothers, since I’m broke. He says, “Maybe you wait out here for a while and go to ATM”. No way – the fucking ATM isn’t going to come down with fucking amnesia. So I just tell him, “Look, I’m staying at the _____ hotel, room #6 – send one over – just let them know I might be broke – tell her to CALL FIRST”. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.
So, I walk back to my Lonely Heart’s Hotel and try to figure out if this was a good night or a bad one. I’ll tell you what I saw on the way back to the hotel later, and explain why this is entitled “Saturday Night at the Fights in Nogales”.
I eventually got back to the hotel. No beer at the Inne, but a Gatorade - $2 – gracias – Buenos noches, senora. Off to bed. A little TV (no, not THAT TV) and a little fumar, and two Klonopin for a restful night’s sleep. Too bad I didn’t have any money left to score some more the next day at la farmacia…
I think I was ¾ of the way asleep, enjoying the beautifully strange thoughts that occupy the twilight between sleep and wake states, but not quite “out” yet. A knock on the door. WTF? It sure as fuck ain’t check-out time. “Who is it?”. Mesero #2?? Oh, shit man. You were supposed to call me first. You got a chica for me? She’s here? Fuck, man, I’m still broke and way too FUBAR (Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition). Christ, what does a guy have to do to get a break…?
Anyway, I’m too tired to lose any sleep about it (that will come tonight, I’m afraid…) Wake up the next morning and walk back to my car. Funny, I’ve gotten-over my paranoia about my car getting stolen and/or broken into. Knock on wood – my (and other Nogie “vets”) advice, park at McDonalds in a well lit area close to where the parking mesero hangs out, or close to Mickey D’s itself. Or better yet, just ride a moped! LOL
Well, sorry if my reports are more like “lapdance reports” than anything else. MrBill either strikes-out, or simply doesn’t find sexual details all that interesting. There’s plenty of that around, anyway. And besides, since Nogales is the lapdance capital of North America (well, my corner of it anyway), it only seems right that someone reports about it. Happy to oblige.
Continued…
MrBillO™-
