Finally touched down at Don Muang International Airport, after a grueling 14 hour flight (which included being in a 45-minute holding pattern 50 miles north of Bangkok – the airport was closed for VIP traffic due to APEC arrivals). My plans were to catch the bus down to Pattaya from the Ekamai station, and enjoy the scenery. However, it was getting dark outside, and I was feeling very lost in a foreign country. This was the first time in my life where everything was written in a language other than English, and where English was not the primary language spoken. I felt small.

As I cleared immigrations and took the escalator down to the street level, the look of fear must have radiated from my face as I spun around in my tracks, not knowing where to go next. Like sharks drawn to blood, a young Thai man immediately approached me, and very fluently gave a sales pitch for a taxi company. I told him I was going to Pattaya, and he said, "No problem, sir. We have Volvo limousine. Air conditioned. Only 1500 baht. Come follow me." He turned and started walking to the limo booth. And like a sucker, I followed him. Yes, I got suckered by a taxi tout.

I was then greeted by a very pretty Thai woman, who took my bag before I had a chance to object. Another Thai man at the booth said, "Okay. You pay 1800 baht." I could have sworn that I was told 1500 baht. But I ended up paying the 1800 baht anyway, without even haggling, simply because I was still caught up in the whirlwind of being in a foreign country – and the prospect of making it to Pattaya and into my hotel in one piece was my most important priority, regardless of price. The pretty woman then started to guide me through the crowded airport, and we finally ended up on a quiet sidestreet. She and the driver loaded my bags into the black Volvo "limousine" (not a limo at all...just a regular Volvo car). Another Thai man came up to me, and said, "Okay. You pay toll fees now." I didn't know what the hell he meant by that, so I said, "No. I already paid 1800 baht! I don't pay anymore. I want my money back." But I said this all with a smile on my face, knowing that in Thailand, the one who loses his temper loses face and the argument.

He eventually told the driver that I didn't need to pay the toll. We went into the car, and started on our journey to Pattaya. But traffic was a bitch! Bumper to bumper, and everybody driving like maniacs. The driver of my taxi indicated to me that we're not going to take the expressway out of Bangkok, because if we did he would have to pay the tolls out of his own pocket. I asked him how much the tolls were, and he said 100 baht.

After sitting in traffic for 10 minutes and barely moving a half-mile, I gave him a 100 baht bill for the tolls. Hey, it's only $2.50 USD. He smiled and cheerfully took the money, then forced the limo to an exit on the left and within no time at all, we were on the expressway. Yup, Thai drivers are crazy!

My first mistake: Catching a limo from the airport to Pattaya, without even haggling. This, however, wouldn't be my only mistake of the evening.

Two hours later, we ended up in Pattaya, and drove up to the front of my hotel – The Penthouse Hotel on Soi Pattayaland 2. Checked into the hotel, showered and shaved, and decided to hit the town.

Walked up to Second Road looking for a place to eat, and was immediately approached by a man holding pictures of naked women. He said, "Good massage, sexy girls, you look." And, like a stupid fool, I looked. I looked at the pictures he held in his hand. And he immediately gave me the "No problem. You follow me" sales pitch and never did let me say no. I swear to God, Thai people make the best damn salespeople! Very persistent.

I ended up following this guy, walking south on Second Road, for about 10 minutes. It was a long walk! Yet, the entire time he kept saying, "Only two more minutes." He said the price was only 1500 baht, which included two hours of everything. And he stressed, EVERYTHING. So I figured, okay that seems like a fair price for two hours of sex. We ended up at a hotel called VC Hotel, and walked into the reception area, then upstairs to a soapie massage parlor.

There, I was approached by another gentleman, who gave me a beer and eventually informed me the price was 1800 baht. "What? I thought it was only 1500 baht," I said. But he said, "No. 1800 baht." And that was that. Since I had already walked so far away from the nightlife, I didn't have the desire to argue and haggle. So I accepted the 1800 baht price.

Second mistake: Don't ever allow a street tout to take you to a massage parlor, or any other establishment. I suspect that extra 300 baht I paid went straight to pay that tout.

As I scanned the slim selection of girls (there were only about 10 girls in the fishbowl), the gentleman strongly suggested I have #666. He said, "she suck very good [while bobbing his head back and forth], and good in bed." But her body language wasn't very encouraging. Her arms were crossed, and she was looking down at the ground. She wasn't smiling. Yet, the gentleman insisted that she was the best. And, yes, she was very pretty. So going against my better judgment, I said okay, and settled for #666.

As I paid the cashier, she met me there and shook my hand. She didn't say a word as she turned around and led me upstairs. As we walked past the fishbowl, she looked at the other girls and started giggling as if she was very embarrassed. The girls in the fishbowl all started to giggle also. Hmmm..... I wonder what that was all about?

Number 666 was young, and very pretty. VERY pretty. Yet, she was also very quiet. Upstairs in the room, we both sat down on the sofa and endured a fairly long, uncomfortable silence. She wasn't very talkative at all. I asked her what her name was, and she just giggled. I asked where she was from, and she just giggled. To this day, I still don't know her name or where she's from. In fact, I don't think she spoke a single word to me in English.

Eventually, we undressed and walked into the shower area. But there were no air mattresses; no shampoos; nothing to indicate this was going to be a soapie. She quickly washed my tool (very quickly), and indicated for me to dry myself off. So I dried myself off as she washed herself.

I waited on the bed for her, and she slowly laid down next to me...and turned on the television with the remote control. Then, she gave me a very boring massage, and when she sucked my cock, she didn't suck very hard at all – I could barely feel anything. She seemed empty inside. So I caressed her body and squeezed her firm, young breasts. And they were definitely young and firm. I licked her nipple while pinching the other, and as I looked up at her face, she was still watching the television. So I made my way south and started munching on her bush. I could hear a suppressed moan from her every now and then, but she was still watching T.V.!

After letting her rubber me up, she mounted me – my first pussy in a foreign land! She was very tight, and my cock was not disappointed. But she couldn't get the rhythm right, and didn't ride me very well. So I put her on her back, and mounted her missionary style. But as I fucked her, I saw that, yes, her eyes were stuck on the television! She was emotionless on her back, and seemed to ignore the fact that somebody was fucking her. Every now and then, I would thrust my cock hard in her cunt (just to see if she was alive), and she would let out a suppressed moan. But otherwise, she was not enjoying this at all.

Nevertheless, I came fairly quickly. After only 15 minutes of hard fucking, I filled the rubber and let out a loud moan of ecstasy – this felt good!

Though I paid for, and was promised, two hours of "everything," I let her go shortly after only an hour. I knew she wasn't enjoying this and, consequently, I wouldn't be able to enjoy any more of it either. I gave her a 100 baht tip before we left the room, and she graciously wai'd me with a bow.

Third mistake: Never choose a girl who doesn't seem happy or enthusiastic.
Fourth mistake: Never go to VC Hotel for soapie, massage, or sex.

I then went to eat dinner at an outdoor cafe on the intersection of Soi Pattayaland 2 and Second Road

Fifth mistake: Don't order anything the server suggests. He suggested the steamed fish to me, which turned out to be very, VERY spicy. My asshole felt every bit of it the next day...

Most important mistake: Never go against your intuition! I'm on my way to read the next few chapters!

Guzy, what doesn't kill ya will make you stronger. For future reference.

A Taxi from BKK to Pattaya is about 1200-1300, tolls included. If you hail a taxi from the baggage check, exit the airport, go across the parked cars and street and you'll hit a fence, hang a left and follow it to the main street where there are dozens of Taxis waiting to take you to BKK for 130-150 baht or Pattaya -- all on meters.

Next time you go, read my guide to Pattaya and Bangkok...it will spell out everything you need to know. If I would have went to Thailand blindly, I would have made the same mistakes. Although Thailand is a developing nation, they still have third world honesty...just with a smile. I like your style of writing and it's nice to see the world through the eyes of a newbie honest enough to admit his mistakes.

Blazer,

I have read your guides. Great stuff, and probably the most valuable educational material I or anybody else can have when traveling to LOS! Hell, I even printed the entire thing out, and studied it intensely on the airplane (my carry-on was filled with material printed from this website).

All the "mistakes" I made, I knew they were mistakes even while I was making them. It's just that being caught up in the whirlwind of a new experience, I just didn't have the confidence to stop myself from making them.

But I don't regret any of it. Not at all. A smile always comes to my face as I think about the Volvo driver who couldn't understand English and drove like a madman through Bangkok; and #666 at VC Hotel who didn't enjoy the sex; and the hot, spicy fish that dissolved my intenstinal tract over the course of the next several days.

It's these little "mistakes" that makes me a newbie. Once I get the mistakes ironed out, I'll be a full-fledged mongerer writing MY OWN guide to pussy in foreign lands... <grin>

BTW, thanks everybody, for reading my trip report! I'm still tossing up the idea of either Brazil, or perhaps a more adventurous S.E. Asia (LOS, Cambodia, Philippines) for my next trip.

Yes, Thai Drivers are Crazy. On my way back to the airprot, it was like 4:30 am, and he was driving like 180 Km/Hour. Woah! I liked it though, no traffic so it was ok.

Yeah, I got ripped off as soon as I got off the plane too. I walked out and immediately cashed 100 bucks for thai money (which I had never seen before), and walked into the Jungle of people holding signs with people's names. A guy in one of the taxi booths saw me and said "Hey you want taxi" I was amazed that he spoke english, so I said, yes actually. I told him I wanted to go to Sukhumvit (which I did not say correctly) he said ok 600 bhat. I didn't know how much that was, but I counted it out of my pile of cash for him. Not that bad, but it was a shity old car.

Yeah, I got handed off to a few people, I thought I might get mugged, but nope, they put me in a car and took me to my hotel. I gave the dude $2 US. That is probabally useless to him, lol.

Anyway, when I got to my hotel I looked at the reciept that the dude in the booth gave me, it said "Bangkok Tour Voucher"... I guess I bought a cheap toor of bangkok... neat...

Guzy and TM
Welcome to LOS . Some think it means Land of Smiles. As you get more experience you quickly realize that they meant--
Land of Scams.
My second visit MANY years ago I made the mistake of accepting the " services " of an airport " tour guide" Husband and wife team. She was actually smokin hot which was why I accepted their service. On the way to my hotel they said -- " You want young girl to sleep with tonight ?"
It was about 2AM and I thought great-- why not. They brought me to a Thai brothel where about 30 girls were awakened from deep sleep it seemed and lined up for me to choose. I was not ready for this and was a little overwhelmed by so many hot girls in a small rooom waiting for me to choose . Sorta like Eden but magnified. Some of the poo ying looked Michael Jackson age, some were really hot. I spoke little Thai then so I just said give me someone who speaks English, I just wanted to get out of there.
Of course they say-- No problem- and they pick out a fairly ordinary girl I would not have chosen. I think --Well at lesat she speaks English. Back at hotel - it turned out that my Thai was far better than her English. Unfortunately I was 10,000 baht poorer as they told me she would stay with me for 7 days for 10,000 baht.
We are all newbies at some point. Anyway I sent her back the next morning - she was crying- I guess she gets in trouble if she does not please her customer. My " guides" also ripped me off for 2 more days with BS tours at inflated prices until the lights finally turned on in my dim attic and I kicked their ass out the door.They tried to fix me up with the hottie wife's alleged sister and then cousin. Incredible scam artists these airport vultures.

Bottom line ---- NEVER agree to go with anyone from the airport. Get in a meter cab ,or Thai Inter Limo if you do not mind 600 baht ride, and go directly to your hotel. If you are new to LOS seek out advice from others or re-read Hombre site fopr advice. When I was stumbling around as newbie, the internet did not exist. You younguns have it so friggin easy !!!!! LOL