This is the first chapter of my second and latest trip to Asia where I spent 12 nights sandwiched around the Christmas and New Year’s holidays. I hope you enjoy the stories and the pics to come.

As in my first trip this past July, my LONG journey to Asia began terrestrially, taking a 14 hour bus ride to downtown LA. I am quite used to long bus trips living in Mexico, but I simply MUST remember to FRICKIN’ FLY next time as going TWO straight nights without sleeping in a bed is simply a killer upon arrival in Asia and I believe this has greatly contributed to my sleeping problems upon arrival there on both of my trips. This particular bus journey this time got me almost ZERO sleep too, as I had an aisle seat and a fat seatmate which meant sleeping in anything but a completely upright position was impossible. Plus I was constantly daydreaming about the promised land that beckoned and couldn’t sleep because of it.

I arrived in downtown LA at about 8 in the morning and was at Union Station by 9 and decided to head straight for the airport and wait for my 2 PM flight on China Air. The public bus took quite a ‘scenic’ route to get to the airport, but within an hour I was on the LAX shuttle bus and dropped in front of the Int’l terminal. Lugged my suitcases laden with clothes and CANDY up the upscalator and had a 7 dollar McDonald’s ‘value meal’ lunch. SEVEN BUCKS? Cheaper than cabbing it to a real McDonald’s, though, and I hadn’t eaten in 16 hours…

Check-in was a breeze being so early, and other than taking my shoes off at the x-ray station, everything was pretty hassle free. Arrived at the gate two hours early and used a Wal-Mart phone card to reach out and touch a whole slew of family members and friends like I rarely get to do living in Mexico, land of the 40 cents a minute to the US rate. I mean it WAS Christmas Eve, and all…

Traveling at Xmas time seemed like a really good idea back when I booked my trip in September, seeing as I was DYING from post-Asia depression after my first trip and Xmas was the only vacation time I would have for the next 8 months. BUT, being away from family during the holidays was simply WEIRD. I am not a baby anymore, obviously, but having spent Thanksgiving the last 3 years away from family due to work and now missing Xmas too chasing Asian honeys was kind of stressful. It’s not so much that I missed the family, I HAD seen my Dad for a few days before heading to LA, but rather that they missed ME being there on the holidays. My cover excuse this time was that I would be looking for a teaching gig in Asia. Funny, but no one came knocking on my hotel door to offer me one the entire time I was there. Can you imagine that? I have no idea how I’ll be able to explain the NEXT trip to Asia.

Time flew while I was on the phone, and before I knew it we were boarding. Unlike my last trip when the plane was half empty as the SARS scare was winding down, THIS plane was jammed to the rafters, but luckily I had some skinny American teenaged wench next to me who was headed to Australia who took up almost ZERO room as she slept the whole way to Taipei.

This time there was not nearly the level of excitement about the flight itself as the last time, which had been my first overseas flight since I was 11. After one trip I was an old pro? Not quite, but it sure seemed like it.

I had bought some over the counter sleeping pills to try and knock me out on the flight – I had had a good experience with them on the last trip when I was like a walking zombie after nearly a week without hardly ANY sleep. But of course I PACKED the fucking things instead of taking them with me onboard. So I figured I’d drink myself to sleep, and the free booze on China Air got me feeling pretty happy in no time. I dozed off shortly after the first meal and probably managed a good 4-5 hours all told during the 14 hour flight to Taipei that somehow was only 12 hours coming back. It was really odd looking out the window every once in awhile on the plane because it seemed like we were chasing sunset the entire trip.

Porker the geography genius got extremely excited to see land beneath us at some point in the middle of the flight and thought ‘oh, that must be Hawaii’. After seeing the same land for more than a half hour, Porker the SUPERgenius thought ‘FUCK, Hawaii must be a lot bigger than I thought!’. Porker the FRICKIN’ MORON felt a lot better when he saw the trip monitor on the video screen showing that we were flying a northern route over BC and Alaska. DOH! WHY we took that route, I have no goddamned clue. Obviously somebody a lot smarter than me came up with it!

I have heard all the horror stories about China Airlines and I’d be a fool to not be at least a LITTLE nervous because of them, but the way I look at it the odds are still infinitesimally small that the plane will crash, and I always figured that anything short of THAT and I’m fine, diba? Well, I got GOOD and scared on the flight to Taipei as we hit the worst turbulence I have ever EVER experienced and I actually was propelled out of my seat at one point. It lasted about 30 seconds with the plane bucking up and down, and I was scared SHITLESS. My thoughts raced about the plane crashing and I had to CONSTANTLY remind myself that it would be HIGHLY unlikely that the fuckin’ plane would CRASH from 35,000 feet without a bomb going off or something. A minute later and everything was fine again. I’m not sure if ALL airlines experience turbulence or not – it would seem that they’d have to, but MAN, if they DON’T it MIGHT be worth some extra cash to try and make it NOT HAPPEN! I don’t know if I have ever been THAT scared in my whole life.

The connection in Taipei was extremely convenient, less than two hours, and this time I decided to take advantage of the free public showers they offer there at the airport. I learned my lesson last time when I arrived feeling/looking/smelling like a dirty unshaven turd. I had passed on the public shower last time in part because of SARS-phobia and in part because of being nervous about missing my connecting flight and worrying about not having a towel handy and EXTREMELY nervous about having my papers and money not in my sight while in the shower. This time, while I’m sure STILL not being a completely seasoned international traveler, I was a LOT more relaxed. No towel? No problem, thick ass paper towels in the private stall area did fine after I hosed myself off.

By the time I finished the shave and shower and made it to the gate they were boarding the flight to Bangkok. Only upon taking my seat on the plane did it even hit home that THIS was my Christmas Day, with the 90 minutes in the Taipei airport cleaning my various cracks and crevices being the only activity I did on the ground on the calendar day of the 25th. How did you spend YOUR Christmas???

The flight to Bangkok was uneventful (no turbulence whatsoever!) and I was able to sleep most of the way without any booze. While I was SUPER excited about the upcoming trip, I knew that I would be arriving too late for the bars to still be open (Arrival time was 1:15 AM) and that the BKK fave and probably Epi would be waiting for me at Dynasty Inn. Unlike last time when I had NO idea what to expect and overflowing with excitement, this time I knew almost exACTLY how my first night in town was going to go and was pretty relaxed on the way to Bangkok.

As several flights were arriving at that same time of night, there were several immigration/customs lines open, and I got to the luggage claim area within 10 minutes of getting off the plane. There was an announcement that our luggage was being delayed, but by 1:40 I had my bags and set about finding a taxi to Dynasty to see if my Christmas present was there waiting for me.

The last time I came to Bangkok I was with my mentor Epimetheus who is BIG on convenience rather than saving a few baht and he just bought a ticket at the taxi counter at the arrivals area and we were off in mere seconds. This time my goal was to simply not get ripped off, and I remembered someone telling me once that catching a taxi at the airport DEPARTURES area is a good idea because they just dropped somebody off instead of being part of the airport taxi mafia. So I got in the elevator and went up to that level, and was extremely glad I did because I spotted an ATM there that I quite annoyingly hadn’t seen in the arrivals area. It felt GREAT putting several thousand baht in my pocket and I went outside to see about spending it. My vacation had begun!

There were several people waiting for taxis out front, apparently with the same idea I had. One couple turned down a taxi driver saying he wanted too much money and was trying to cut a deal and not use the meter. I got him to agree to use the meter but passed with the encouragement of the guy that had just turned that taxi down when he quite grumpily demanded ‘50 more’ in English. While it wasn’t exactly IMMEDIATELY, a minute or so later another taxi came along and this time I DID cut a deal of 300 baht with the driver paying the tolls. I was tired of waiting for a taxi and wanted to get the show on the road. I probably would’ve gone with the first guy if he hadn’t had such a prune face when seeming so greedy.

We simply FLEW into the Sukhumvit area at that time of night and upon turning onto Soi 4 it was 2:05 and there was a HUGE throng of people filing out of Nana Entertainment Plaza (Nana or NEP from now on). It seemed like every girl was a STUNNER and there were a shitload of them staring right at me in the taxi and looking straight into my eyes and smiling. I had NEVER had that experience in Bangkok on my last trip. Maybe they were all drunk on Christmas or something! Epi would tell me later that there was such a big crowd of leftover bargirls because the barfines were outRAGEOUSLY high that night (Christmas night). THAT made me kind of glad I was too late to hit the bars!

With IMPECCABLE timing, both Epi and his date and my BKK fave (AKA Tummy Girl from the last report) came walking up at the precise moment I was paying the taxi and getting luggage from the trunk. I didn’t know who I was happier to see at the time! I mean I like the fave, and all, but all in all I probably enjoy hanging out with Epi even more, certainly when a load has just been fired! Epi, however, barely said two words to ME as his freshly acquired companion had full hold of his attention, so I simply had to dote on the fave, who was simply ADORABLE wearing a Santa hat and sporting new braces and seemingly a LOT trimmer than last time.

Check-in was a breeze as Epi had already set me up with my room for the night, and within a minute of entering the lobby the bellman was carrying the bags out the back and up to my room on the 3rd floor of the new wing at Dynasty. I quite deservedly raved about the room last time and was just as impressed this time, as for 990 baht I got an extremely NICE hotel room that was spotlessly clean and seemingly brand spanking new. The A/C had the room frigid within minutes, and the fave and I got comfortable on the bed and got reacquainted there for a few precious moments (as well as my giving her her $5 worth of Xmas presents!) before we did the shower shuffle and got down to SERIOUS business. The fave told me to only have ‘short time shower’ so she could go to work on me quicker! She, of course, took FOREVER, but as I presumed that meant she was squeaky clean when she got out, I was more than happy to wait and check out all 4 channels the Dynasty TV got! Blazers woulda been bouncing off the walls!

The fave joined me under the white on white covers soon enough and sprung a little surprise on me, a theme that would KEEP happening to me throughout the trip: The RED DEVIL was paying his monthly visit. When she first told me, this was a rather severe blow – I was SUPER horny, but she said not to worry too much, that she was just spotting at that point and that if I didn’t mind screwing she didn’t either. And then she got down to business and started blowing me like she was WORSHIPING my dick.

While she kept at it for a little while and it felt really good, it’s usually VERY difficult for me to finish via oral, and since I had been waiting for MONTHS to plow her field, I decided that a little bit of mess wasn’t going to slow me down, and I climbed on top of her and started the slow pump that I had been dreaming about throughout the entire long journey to Thailand. As always when I am that PRIMED and when I have been abstaining for awhile, I didn’t last more than 5 minutes or so and maybe a couple of position changes, but this time I had an excuse, as the fave REALLY put it to me that night. I had only been with her one night on my last trip, and hadn’t remembered the boom boom with her to be particularly exceptional, but she really backed up all the ‘I miss you’ emails this night and had my eyes rolling back in my head it was SOOOOO good. I was quite relieved too when we finally pried ourselves apart that there was no blood visible anywhere, and as I mentioned before, the bedding at Dynasty is PURE white.

We both quickly hosed off again and were fooling around on the bed again when I got a call from Epi that he was still up for hanging out a bit after his date had RAPED HIM. I told him that round one was over for us too and I’d come down to the lobby to have a late snack if I could bring the fave too. As her English is OK but not good enough to catch rapid fire conversation, I figured it shouldn’t be TOO much of an imposition. Besides, as often as Epi and she run into each other and discuss her unflagging devotion to me (!!!), it’s almost like they’re in-laws by now.

It was really great seeing Epi again and catching up a little bit on his latest extended time in Thailand. He’s very good about keeping in touch with emails, but you can say more in a 5 minute face to face conversation than you can in 20 emails.

He told me that the plan for the next day (Friday) was to take a taxi down to Pattaya along with Size 15 (who I had heard a lot about from Epi and was looking forward to meeting) to sample all the tasty fruits available there before heading back to spend the night in Bangkok and then head to the airport Saturday morning for our pilgrimage to the Philippines. I was VERY happy about this plan, as I really wanted to see Soi 6 in Pattaya again, and figured the variety there would be just as fulfilling and more affordable as my original plan to get away from the fave for a bit and get some variety, which was to visit Eden (for my first actual experience there) the next afternoon. Epi told me that the fave would probably give me crap about not being around since I had so little time in Thailand, but she didn’t say a word or even make a face when I told her that we were going ‘shopping’in Pattaya the next day and would be back very late, just that she wanted to see me before I left Bangkok.

Epi and I probably only talked for an hour or so, but by that time it was 4 AM and both he and my girl were ready for bed, so we called it a night. Of course we had to boom boom one more time before sleepy time, and this time I got the chance to work up a sweat, and the fave soared to even bigger heights in her porn star style performance, breaking out a sidesaddle cowgirl position I don’t think I had ever done before. WELL worth the price of admission, I must say, and EASILY the greatest Christmas present I ever got! While there was indeed some lament about having a super WEIRD Christmas traveling, the rewards had finally all fallen in my lap, and with 12 more nights to go, the gifts would just KEEP ON COMING!!!

The fave cuddled up next to me as we both drifted off to sleep, and the last thing I remember before getting my nightly 120 minutes (OUCH!) was that all the sacrifices I had made to save for this trip were worth it because this was one of the OH so rare occasions recently in my life where I felt severely and truly HAPPY. And THAT, as they say, is PRICELESS!

Photos: Bkk Fave 01 02

Admin: Photos integrated

I think I told your fave we were going down to Pattaya for a siteseeing tour of "Wat Panocha". She didn't even blink. What a gal...

BTW, she was off work for over a week. The dentist needed to do some work in her mouth. Seems some asshole that arrived Xmas night knocked her front teeth out with his DICK!! Maybe you know him?

E

I find it difficult to fathom that the SUPERgenious that has won my last two trivia contests is so inept at geography that he can't understand the route his plane takes to Asia. Sheesh. LOL

Don't think Mercator, think round. If you look at a globe, you'll see that the shortest distance to NE Asia from California is by the route that swings up under Alaska. Just like when you fly to Europe from here, one usually goes over Canada and Greenland, and the Arctic circle.

That's it for today's geography lesson. Back to the Poo Ying report!

Porker, where is the public shower in the Taipei airport? Last time I was there I paid like 25 US to use some place upstairs that had massage chairs, DSL internet, free food, oh and or course showers!

Epi, Hmmm, dental problems means she can't eat anything, right? Now if I could just figure out a way for her to stay skinny (and she looked GOOD this trip) AND grow some TITS!

Murasaki, all I know about the geography of it is what I see on the map and all that crap about 'the shortest distance between two points is a straight line!' Besides, I had the PI on the brain, Taipei was a total afterthought, and PAL is the fastest route I knew of (to Manila), and they flew via Hawaii, so I figured everybody did to get to SE Asia. Like I said, I'm no rocket scientist when it comes to these things and I was WELL liquored up!

Xen, the public showers and internet station for laptops were located outside the entrance to go through security a second time to get to the departing flights at the A gates after arriving from the first flight (on China Air). I have never seen anyone use the internet services there as it has always been either really damned early or very late when I have been in that section of the airport.

I also was tempted to use that lounge you are talking about on my way home from Manila this summer because I wanted to get an update about arrangements for my trip home via email, but the price was now closer to FORTY bucks I thought. I bought a $2 can of coke and sat and viewed pics until the batteries went dead to entertain myself instead. As much as that turbulence on China Air scared the PISS out of me, one more flight and I should get gold status and get to use their lounge from now on.

You know Porker, it is funny you say that. Re: the route taken.

My first time out when I flew Korean Air to Incheon and then on to Bangkok they took the northen route by Washington, BC, Alaska, etc. Coming back they flew a straight line. On my second trip on EVA Air, they took the straight route to Taipei.

I wonder if the time of year has anything to do with the route as well? I always notice the speed of the plane is about 50-100 mph slower flying west than returning and flying east. That is why the flight time is shorter coming back.

Here’s the shortest distance between your two points. http://tinyurl.com/22nhs

PAL's Hawaii route is over 300 miles longer than China Airlines northern Taipei route. http://tinyurl.com/38udz

In practice they probably go further north going there to avoid flying against the jet stream and further south coming back to benefit from the jet stream, but those are the shortest routes.

"I had to CONSTANTLY remind myself that it would be HIGHLY unlikely that the fuckin’ plane would CRASH from 35,000 feet without a bomb going off or something."

Of course the China Airlines 747 that crashed in 2002 killing 225 people, disintegrated for no apparent reason while cruising at 30,000 feet. But don't worry. They are doing well lately, no fatalities since that one. Over a year and a half now without loosing a single plane.

Sometime I should try to calculate which is statistically safer flying to Asia on China Airlines or having bareback sex in the Philippines.

I'm just teasing though. I would fly with them if the schedule worked out in my favor. The price is right and everyone seems to think the service is fine. They're just to easy to make fun of for there safety record. I can't help it.

OK, here’s one more URL http://tinyurl.com/2c9gy LOL

Flying out of Hong Kong to LAX last September, the Cathay Pacific flight I was on hit one of those super-turbulence areas like you encountered. Only this lasted off and on for a good 30 minutes or so. Very unnerving -- water sloshing out of glasses as the plane drops, dinner trays sliding into aisles as the plane rolls, and passengers screaming and hugging each other. When it was over, the queue to the bathrooms was a mile long.

Xen,

The reason flights going west always take longer than those flying east is the jetstream. The winds of jetstream go west to east. That's why, if you're unlucky and there are very strong headwinds, some flights from CA to Taipei require unscheduled refueling stops in Anchorage.

Also, I think that the pilots try to chose the route (over Alaska versus straight across the pacific ocean) based on the amount of headwind/tailwind.

Porker, Zen:

China air has a decent lounge with shower
( small shower, but ok)

I used it on my last trip to bkk ( took EVA and used my nw worldclub to access the lounge)

I think China air has similar arrangments with other airlines too:

also, their lounge has my vote for best asian lounge coffee.
( not the usual strong/acidy stuff)

Great report, although tainted by the imbedded image of you drying yourself with paper towels! lol

Bud

As always, good stuff Porker. I'm beginning to feel thankful that I live relatively close to LAX, it certainly seems you put in a lot of effort just to hook up with the Transpacific flight. The ends justify the means and keep your eyes on the prize.

I flew to Asia a week before you and we also hit some severe turbulence. I've been noticing that the area a few hours east of Japan is where it usually occurs.

I Am Sancho

I was given the same reasons by the pilots on EVA for their sub-arctic routes. Turns out a 125mph headwind can be a real PITA. I've also seen routing change so we could fly in the Jet Stream on the way BACK and arrived almost 1 hour early. Plenty of time to clear customs, get bags and cry while sitting on the curb waiting for my ride...

China Airlines tends to dump an airplane into the ground once every 3 years or so. Back in '02 (or '45 for us LOS freaks) they dropped two in one year. Guess they've been "pre-disastered" now and should be good until '08 ('51) or so.

"Sometime I should try to calculate which is statistically safer flying to Asia on China Airlines or having bareback sex in the Philippines."

Personally, I would compare with BB anal sex in Cambodia, but maybe I'm looking at different numbers then you are... heheh

E

Porker,

great report and nice start.

A few comments:
China Air is the crampest, but usually has great deals to BKK. I flew with them this past Nov. Another complaint, their techniques are a bit sketchy. They tend to land a little crooked.

Showers at Taipei were great. Take a nice long shower, head up to the terminal and start the boarding. For the lone travellers, be careful and allocate enough time in case you get searched as you board the craft. I got searched and they were pretty thorough.

Last time at BKK airport, I went to the taxi stand, then negotiated 300baht inclusive with the taxi driver. A friend likes to go upstairs and share rides with other farangs to either bkk or pattaya. Just another option.

Porker, only two times in my life did I think I was going to die and they were both during China Air flights. After my second trip with them and experiencing 4-5 hours of intermittent severe turbulence....I decided to call it quits with them. I have not experienced anything close to that since and I have flown to Asia 11 times since then. Turbulence is turbulence but their pilots have to be the worst on the planet. After a while, I thought they were purposely flying into turbulence just to fuck with us. I have been airlifted out of my seat a few times and now I always keep my seatbelt on during the flight.
You define how serious the addiction to SEAsia pussy can be by taking a 14 hour bus ride before you even get to the airport....wow!

Nice reporting as per usual Porker. Want to make a friendly wager as to whose report will be completed first, your's or mine?

Lol, I'd bet on YOU! Can't wait to read it, actually. PUBLISH, my man! NOW!

Good stuff Porker. Hmm.. Tummy girl looks quite different in the pics compared to last time...

AS soon as I get off the plane do you recommend a place that I can tell a cabbie to take me(hotel) thats in the middle of all the action??? newbie

thanks for your time

Dynasty Hotel on Soi 4 and Sukhumvit....better get reservations before you go

Evil69
The days of getting in a cab and just telling them to take you to a hotel without reservations is over. That worked 10 years ago but now all the popular monger hotels are filled more often than not. You do NOT want to be schleppin around BKK with your luggage in tow. If you do not make reservations ahead of time on the net -- bring along a list of recommended hotels from the BKK hotel discus thread. Rank them in order of what is best for you.There is a hotel reservation desk in the BKK airport that actually will give you decent rates on local hotels-- they will not rip you off. Book a room at the available hotel that is highest on your list. You are well advised to have a reservation before you get into a taxi at the airport.
Have fun and post a report !! We love to hear from those experiencing Thailand for the first time !

Evil69

You could check the travel desk, just to the right as you come out of the customs area
( sill inside the "fence")


I used to have good luck there, and several friends that have used the service were pleased with the results.


also, http://www.latestays.com/ has some pretty good deals for last minute plans