Ed. Note:
This is a long overdue update on an around the world trip I made in January. For personal reasons, I decided to go underground for a while. Although there are no photos in this segment of the trip, be on the lookout for more posts from Sandman. Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes…I am back!

Leaving Thailand; I was overweight on baggage! "How much $?," I responded. "You have to be kidding me?" was all I could think to say. $1,500B for 12 kilos overweight. OK, so it was only $38 but damn I was pissed. I started switching things from different bags to my carry on luggage and made it under the magical 10 kilos. Now it was only 1,000B ($25+/-). As it turned out, it was a stroke of luck as I had put my DOP kit in my carry on. I also managed to exit Thailand with exactly 1 Baht. Try that sometime while traveling!

Passing through Thai immigrations was a breeze.

Aeroflot (or Aeroflop) whichever you prefer;

We boarded the Aeroflot flight for Moscow 20 minutes late. The Russians were dressed in shorts, jeans, halter tops and T-shirts. Damn, didn't they know it was freezing in Moscow? I was just in transit and wearing a blazer would be more than sufficient.

There was no rhyme or reason to boarding. Even the first class (what an oxymoron that is) passengers did not get preference. I was astounded that absolutely zero safety instructions were ever announced; absolutely zero in-flight entertainment of any kind (video or audio) was offered; nothing besides soft drinks and wine (which I could not drink because it tasted horrible) was offered in cabin service.

The Aeroflot AS-300 can only be described as a big cattle car. As we prepared for take-off, the pilot stood on the brakes, revved up the engines and began a slow crawl down the runway. Bankok airport has a 7,500 foot runway. He finally lifted off without about 300 feet to spare. The plane had shaken and rattled the entire length of the runway. There are no dividers in the coach area of the plane. Imagine looking down a 200 foot plane 3/5/3 wide of seating and nothing between the front bulkhead and the rear bathrooms/galley area. Every seat was taken. Almost everyone had one or more bags of stuff in their laps that would not fit in the overhead bins. As soon as the seatbelt signs were turned off, a party began in the rear of the plane. One lady had a 5 liter bottle of vodka and began passing it around the rear cabin; Music erupted from a boom box; people were dancing, clapping and singing; others began purchasing pint size bottles of various liquors from duty free (paid for in dollars only) and began drinking their beverages straight. This was going to be a long 10.5 hour flight. I found out later that many were smoking in the bathrooms. Had I only known?

We were chasing the sun and even though the earth was moving faster than us, we still had daylight over most of Mongolia and Eastern Russia. Perhaps the most desolate place on this earth except the Bearing Straits.

There are no overhead reading lights on the AS-300. Two, very small lamps in the tray table (one of mine was burned out) was all the lighting we had except the ever present fluorescent lighting under the overhead bins. Shitty on the eyes.

The flight attendants made a pass with beverages. I asked if they had scotch. They laughed at me and told me only wine and soft drinks. I opted for wine. I took one sip and realized it was putrid and could not drink anymore. They brought dinner. They said it was beef or chicken. It looked like neither. The rice was about all I could eat

Not much else to do but take an Ambien and hope the bastards next to me would be kind enough to maintain some level of peace and solitude. Fortunately, they did!

I woke up about six hours later and the raucous party in the rear of the plane was in full swing. Everyone was drunk as skunks. Singing, dancing in the aisles and one woman was in the midst of taking her top off while dancing. Thank god I turned my head before she finished. She was about 50, fat, ugly and I am sure I would have gotten sick if I had seen here tits.

So, this is Aeroflot? The pride of the Russian Commercial Airlines. No wonder we won the cold war!

Approach into Moscow was like approach in Bumfuck Iowa (sorry S-man). Absolutely nothing outside the city limits except snow and a few farmhouses. Guess they don't have suburbs. We landed and I swear to god there was 6'-8' of snow drifts off the runway but even scarier, there was 1-2 feet of snow on the runway. We looked like a snow plow going down the runway. As I looked around the cabin, everyone was beginning to layer in additional shirts, sweaters, heavy jackets etc they had carried on. Damn good thing too as it was…and get this…30 degrees below zero outside!!!

You know how Latino's applaud when the plane lands? On Aeroflot it was more like the Brazilian National Scoccer team had just scored the winning goal in the World Cup. They went berserk, cheering, clapping, slapping one another on the backs and generally glad to have made a safe landing. Even before the plane had stopped on the runway, people were standing up, getting their stowed luggage out of the overheads and jamming the aisles. What safety procedures?????

Finally, the flight attendants told them they had to sit down. Think they re-stowed their luggage?? Think again! They left it where it was on the floor and piled into the closest seat available. I had two sitting on the armrest of my seat and neither one of their asses could have fit alone.

This was sheer chaos and madness. Someone was going to get hurt…maybe even me!

We stopped about 30 feet from the exit ramp. No "ding" to let everyone know we had come to a complete stop. And; yes, another mad dash for the door with carryon luggage. It was a fucking stampede! I now had three people besides myself in my seat. One lady was actually plopped in my lap with her….get this…4 carry on pieces of luggage. I could not move. I had over 300 pounds of people and luggage on top of me and more pressing from behind. The people beside me were bearing some of the weight but I had the lions share.

The plane finally moved and the doors opened. I had over 40 rows of people behind me surging forward and no way to get into the aisle. Finally, a guy from Ireland let me in the aisle and I was able to retrieve my overhead luggage. We looked at each other. He said, "can you believe this?" I could only shake my head.

Transit or baggage claim? The sign had the same directions for both. Finally, I saw the transit lines. There were three. Two were about 20 deep and the third was only two deep. I jumped in line three. I had a one hour connection. No problem! 30 minutes later and the Aeroflot representative had not finished with the first person in line. I was beginning to panic. The other two lines had not moved a single person either and the entire transit area had well over 150 people. I finally told the two people in front of me that I had a connection in 30 minutes. They had over three hours and let me in front of them. The Aeroflot representative never even gave me so much as a cross eyed look. She was working on some tickets for someone else who was not even there. Finally, I looked at her and said, "I have a connection to Madrid in 20 minutes. Is there someone here who can help me?"

Ever been in transit and had to go through immigration? Not me! In 30 plus years of travel, only once have I ever had to clear immigration to board a flight in transit and that was between terminals in Jamaica. This was the same G.D. terminal. In Moscow, you have to. Three lines of people and only one immigration official. This is not good. Two people from the other lines are already ahead of me. One has been in the booth for 10 minutes and is not budging. I begin to see a night in (freezing) Moscow in my gun sights.

Finally, the Aeroflot representative looks up at me and asks my destination. I say Madrid and I have a connection in 10 minutes. She jumped up and asked if there were any other Madrid passengers. 5 came forward. She grabbed our tickets and told us to go immediately to our gate or we would miss our plane. I had the most incredulous look on my face and just could not resist;

"What the hell do you think I have been telling you for the past 40 minutes?" "Go, go…hurry." she told us. "What about immigration" I asked. She walked us around the immigration booth and pointed us to our gate. So much for regulations?

The flight from Moscow to Madrid was much better. An A-3 much like a 737. Overhead lights, in-flight entertainment, they even served scotch in coach and a decent meal. Another Ambien and 6.5 hours later we were landing in Madrid. What a beautiful airport. Very efficient, very well laid out and easy to maneuver. Unfortunately, my luggage was not on the belt. Varig served as Aeroflots baggage claim service in Madrid. I gave descriptions of my luggage, told them where they could deliver it in Rio and caught a cab for my hotel. I have been traveling for the better part of 17 hours. I badly needed some sleep, shower, and a shave.

It was also after 12:00PM midnight and only one customs and immigration person on duty. When I got to the counter and told him I was only there until 6:00 A.M. the next morning and produced tickets to prove it, he passed me through without even looking at my passport.

Taxi to the hotel was outrageous…and it was on a meter! $27 Euro's for a 10 minute cab ride. About $31USD. Hotel was under renovation, smelled horribly of fresh paint but at least the bed was soft and the water hot. Four glorious hours of sleep at $85 Euros, before I paid another $E30+ to return to the airport at 6:00AM and catch a TAP flight to Lisboa. TAP had exactly two ticket counters that were manned by Varig employees.

"No, I have no luggage to check. It is either in Moscow or on its way to Rio right now. All I have is my carry on (and thank goodness I had my DOP kit or I would have looked like hell. As it was, the clothes were getting a little ripe). She pointed to the gate but since it was still 6:30 in the AM, absolutely nothing was open. I needed to eat something, get some coffee, find my time zone and try to make sense of the Portugal Portugues versus the Brazilian Portugues. These two peoples are as bad as the US and the UK. They can not understand each other and are two countries divided by a common language. Even with my best and simplest Brazilian Portuguese they could not understand my simple request for coffee, water and a Danish. Finally, a very kind gentleman came to my aid and speaking in English (not Brazilian Portugues) helped me with my order.

It was an orderly boarding. I was delighted to find the two seats next to me unoccupied and was able to stretch out for some sleep. A quick 1.5 hour flight to Lisboa, a 1 hour lay over and we were boarding for Rio.

A well timed Ambien and in 8.5 hours we were landing in Rio.

As I was the only American on the flight, the additional photo and fingerprinting process only added 5 minutes to my entry. The guy was so perplexed at me being an American on a flight from Portugal, he almost forgot to scan my passport.

In less than a month, I have a different perspective from being a 7-10 day tourist who visits this wonderful city. I do not have to do 3-5 garotas per day. I do not have to pay $R150-$R300 for a lovely 18-25 year old Brazilian beauty to wake up next to me in the morning. I have even paid $0 on a couple of nights. I have become an Amerioca. They look at me differently. They respond to me differently when I tell them I am living here now. I can even walk out of Help solo and not think twice about it. My list of female cell phone numbers is growing daily. Payment expectations are on a local level not a tourist level.

Life and the pursuit of beautiful Brazilian pussy have taken on a whole new meaning.

I am sleeping later, going to bed later, exploring neat little side streets, local restaurants, stores, making contacts with local merchants, improving my Portugues on a daily basis, riding the metro, local Onibusses, shopping in local grocery stores (damn, they do not have sour cream or zip lock baggies…he he), spending good time with good friends and settling into a new lifestyle.

If you are planning a visit to Rio, look me up and I may (or may not) share more sordid details of this escapade. Keep your eyes open for some fun and exciting new concepts for visiting Rio and as usual, the first choppe is on me. The next several may be on you but at less than $1.00 each, it will not be an expensive encounter.

Tchau e obrigado;

"Around the world in 80 whores"-That was going to be the title of this trip report. I think I only did about 18 different girls but still had a lot of fun.

Lastly, and this is an important point. Bobby at Blame it on Rio has taken a few stiff shots to the jaw lately. Whether deserved or not, I can not say enough good things about his staff in trying to help me retrieve my luggage.

Here I was in Rio; No luggage; in the same clothes almost 36 hours.

• They jumped on the phones and called Varig in Madid-no help
• They called AeroFlot in Moscow-No help
• They called Varig at GIG-No help
• My bags were supposed to be delivered the next day after my arrival. This was already day three. All reservations and baggage services closed for the weekend for both airlines;

A very funny story and one that I'm happy hasn't happened to me. Yet. I hope Explorer reads this post as he took the Moscow-BKK flight both ways and didn't say a world about the chaos onboard. He must be Russianized by now and see all of this as perfectly normal.

Sandman, it was good to see your name here again. I was kind of wondering where you had dissappeared to. Any chance of a post describing how you decided on moving to Rio and what you've done as far as living arrangements?

Sandman your story brought back memories of flying on third and forth world airlines.

There is nothing like having a chicken in a cage sitting on the seat next to you, or watching the ground crew trying refuel the beat up 707 your sitting on, by stuffing a rag around the fuel nozzle to get a good seal.

Welcome back to the board

Yeah TF. It will be coming in installments.

TY RG,...good to be back???

I can't wait to hear more about your world tour. and what new things you are discovering in Brazil.

I have to tell you that I was secretly hoping GCL's monger trip would be to Bumfuck, but of course he choose the more exotic location of Rapid City.

By the way is the problem with 30 degrees below zero? Are you a pussy?

Glad you got back to Rio in one piece Sandman. Thanks for sharing your adventure.

30 degrees below zero is for polar bears and damn fools. Rio is the place for pussy!!!

Damn that was quite some trip!
The part where you say you're sleeping later - are you serious? You mean you don't still wake up at sunup? Have you made it to noon yet? That will represent a milestone in your becoming a true Amerioco.

Your Moscow visit was AMAZING. Thank God you are a seasoned Monger. Experience paid off for you there.

made it to noon once but didn't go to bed till 5:00AM. Does that count?

Usually sleeping till 9:00-9:30

Great report Sandman - How about all the details over a few beers when I see you in a few weeks. - Thanks Hemp

Thanks Sandman and I don't think you are exaggerating at all...I flew Aeroflot from Moscow to Saint Petersburg and I was petrified the entire time from the sound of the plane to the behavior of the passengers. Lucky it was in summer so no problem with the runway, but I have never been happier to get off a plane in my life.

Very nice report. Where else could one learn what is like to fly Aeroflot?! Not even in National Geographic.

By the way, what is a "DOP kit"?

thanks

DOP kit is an airline acronym for "Delayed on...something or other" When you are delayed overnight and they put you up with razor, tooth brush and other misc. toilitires. Became the standard acronymn for all the stuff you pack into those leather cases with toothpaste, truthbrush, razor.......and a few ambien.

Anyway, I had mine and was glad as hell it was not packed in my waylaid suitcase.

Moondog...what does the "P" stand for in DOP?

It's actually called a "DOPP kit".
The bag was originally designed and manufactured by a leathermaker named Charles Doppelt in the early 1900's.

The US Army issued them to GI's by the millions in WWII.

RJ