Russia in the opening of spring is quite a place. While in a mongering sense I found it to be a mixed bag, the country itself pretty much shattered any misconceptions I had. Well, not entirely. I’m glad I got to see what I saw in the order I did it. I think it put a nice finale on the trip.

The plane ride was pretty uneventful. My upgrade on American cleared, so the business class was especially nice. A lot of people don’t like AA’s international service, but since they removed first class from their 767 fleet, they have this sort-of “business-first” thing going on. Great meals, decent seats, and a DVD player with movies that just left the theatre. At 5-11” I can stretch my legs all the way out and not touch the seat in front of me.

We arrived early in Zurich, and I had a two hour wait for my flight to Moscow. The flight on Swiss was jam packed. Every seat filled. But I had a window so I was happy. I get very mad if I don’t get the window. The service was also fantastic. And damn, those flight attendants were hot! We touched down in Moscow’s Domodedovo airport right on time at 3pm and I was pretty impressed. I was thinking that it was going to be some second rate semi-third world shit hole airport, but it actually looked all brand new and super clean. It was actually newer and cleaner then Zurich’s airport. I went from the plane to the street in less then 5 minutes. There was no line at customs, and apparently they were satisfied with the x-ray contents of my bags. I usually get some shit because my computer bag looks like a best buy catalog with a digital camera, video camera, laptop, noise reduction headphones, an I-pod, mini portable speakers, GPS, cell phone, and all the plugs and cables to keep everything running. I also had $2k in cash on me, but if I remember correctly you only have to report if you bring in more then $10k.

My business contact was waiting for me outside as promised and we began the four and a half hour car ride to Yaroslavl. I had repeatedly asked about flying, and if there was some kind of service for this short hop. They always emphatically told me it would not be a good idea. See, even the Russians are scared to fly their domestic carriers. I asked someone about this and they told me that Russian regulations require all domestic airlines to use Russian aircraft, but all international carriers have to use foreign made planes (ie, Boeing or Airbus).

I was pretty impressed with the road infrastructure. We were on multi-lane highways for most of the trip up until the last hour or so when it went to two lanes. The roads were in decent shape as well. It was funny to watch the scenery change as we got further away from Moscow. It went from modern-day westernized to “old school soviet” in a big hurry. The small part of Moscow that I saw was nothing like I had imagined. But once we got further away, it was exactly like you see in the movies. All I kept thinking about were those scenes in Rocky IV when he goes over Russia to fight Ivan Drago. The cold facade of the concrete buildings, the gray skies and that creepy dark chanting music.

When we arrived in town, it was a little better. I mean, this is a city of just over 1 million people, so I figured it couldn’t be that bad. They even modernized the “downtown” part to the extent of having one of those huge TV screens in the town square. But upon my arrival is when I realized how difficult it would be to get around on my own. Everything was in Cyrillic. I guess I’m officially bi-lingual now living in Brazil for almost 2 years, but I couldn’t make out anything. One downside to knowing more then one language is that sometimes you think you’re hearing words you understand, but with something like the non-Latin based Russian, it’s not even close. I only knew 2 words going in, and 3 coming out. Da, Nyet, and spicy-bah (something like that, obviously misspelled, but it means thank you).

There was a serious abundance of hotties everywhere in this town. And let me tell you, when it warmed up, these girls really dress like sluts! I loved it. Westernization did Russian women good! I can’t say that about the men, because it seems to be a national phenomenon that they don’t like to use deodorant. I also never saw so many people in my life with blue and green eyes. You actually had to look really hard to find someone with brown eyes.

I’ll skip the boring parts of the following few days and get down to mongering stuff. I was alone that last couple of nights and really hurting for some Russian love. I actually tried to find some action one night but the taxi driver made a few calls and told me “all the girls are sleeping”.

So my final night I went out in front of my hotel, which felt like it was in the middle of nowhere, and tried chatting up a few taxi drivers. The first two spoke no English but the third one spoke pretty good. So, I asked “Where are the girls?” He made a few calls and said he can arrange something in 40 minutes. Cool. I told him to come back in 40 minutes. We exchanged numbers and I went back up to my room and watched TV (not a single English channel by the way) and showered. I came back down 40 minutes later and he told me it would be 700 rubles for an hour (About $24) and 1500 rubles ($51) for 2 hours, plus another 400 rubles ($13) for the room. Hmm, not bad I thought, but then again, I could be getting the Russian equivalent of crack whores.

It was about a 20 minute drive to where we were going. The driver seemed like a nice guy. Speaks ok English but has a hard time pronouncing the words. He tells me he’s a translator, but only for text. It would be much better if we could SMS each other. Funny I thought, but I guess he really doesn’t get much practice speaking. We then arrive in a very dark concrete housing complex. Basically all these 10 to 15 story gray, dark and dirty apartment type buildings surrounded by dirt roads with humongous pot holes. This place made the south Bronx look like Beverly Hills. I’m up for a good adventure as much as the next guy, especially when it involves pussy, but needless to say I was a tad bit apprehensive about the situation I was getting myself into.

We enter the complex, and we get somewhere in the middle of it at a dead end street with a car waiting there. This is the part I think that the Russian mafia comes out and takes my nuts. But no, 5 girls get out of the car and stand up in front of it and the driver turns the lights on. I really couldn’t see that well so I asked my driver if I can get out and take a look. He says “sure” so I get out to get a better idea of what my first Russian mongering experience is going to bring me. Well, it was a little underwhelming. Of the 5 only two smiled and attempted eye contact. The other three looked like I was about to throw the smack down on them. So I went with my gut and said “how much for 2 for 2 hours” (which is basically what I said with my hand signals pointing to the 2 girls and then pointing to my watch and then holding up 2 fingers). The “madam” wrote 2200 on a piece of paper ($75) total including the apartment. I guess they were running a sale. I picked the two girls that were at least smiling, a blond and brunette both a 6 on their best day, but I was having my “Rocco ravishes Russia” porn fantasy thing going on and hoping for the best. It kind of sucks because I had no idea about their bodies because they were all bundled up. At least the blond was wearing a skirt so she had decent legs.

Well, I paid the nice lady and we walked over to a huge metal door on the adjacent apartment building. My driver told me he’ll wait here. Thank god. The madam lady punched in a code on the keypad and the buzzer when off to open the door. Damn, I thought the outside of this place was bad, the inside was REALLY a crack house. I thought I just walked on the set of New Jack City and Pookie was going to jump out at me and ask for another hit. It was REALLY dirty, grimy and covered in graffiti. We proceeded to walk up 8 flights of stairs to get to the apartment. I’m not really a big fan of a workout before I session. When we got to the 8th floor a nice old lady is there waiting for us. She opens up the door to one of the apartments and there we are. A room with 2 beds, 2 chairs a table and a TV. So, we sit down, and get acquainted a little bit. The blond speaks a little English, so that helped. She informed me that they wanted something to drink. I said sure, I remembered one of those little kiosk “quick-mart” type places out front. So we go out and TAKE THE ELEVATOR!!?!?!? Back down to get some beers.

We come back and chat a little more as best we can. They ask if I “fuck many Russian girl” and I inform them that they will be my first. She also tells me that I’m their first American. (yeah sure ok, doesn’t matter). They seem to really be enjoying the MTV and the beer. I’m enjoying my water. I asked if I could take some pictures and was met with a resounding “Nyet”. So after 10-15 minutes of this I finally say, “so, what shall we do.” The blond says “ok. We make for you, but one or one” huh? “What’s one or one?” “me.. or she” then put the index fingers on both her hands together and says “no”. Ahh, I do them both, but one at a time, not together. What the fuck is that all about. I’m defiantly not in Brazil anymore. There goes my Rocco Steffredi porn fantasy. “Who one?” the blond asks and I point to the brunette. The brunette then walks out to go shower. She comes back wrapped only in her lower half by a towel. Nice perky tits, but the overall body was a little soft for my taste. I guess that’s how they keep warm in the winter. The blond says “you dress off” so I get naked and lay on the bed. The brunette then takes get on top and proceeds to put a condom on my soft dick. I look and wave the finger saying “no no” She’s like “ok” and started sucking. Wow that was easy. Not a bad BJ, mildly enthusiastic. This goes on for about 10 minutes or so and then she gets up and proceeds to sit on my dick bareback. Hold it there sister, I move out of the way and point to the condom. I get some kind of “you’re an alien with 6 heads” look but she puts it on and rides away. It seemed a little mechanical to me though. We went through a few positions, tired to stick it in the poop chute to no avail, and then I asked her to suck some more. I nutted in her mouth and she ran off to the bathroom.

This is the part where I get scolded for not remembering my mongering 101 lessons. After basking in my post-coital glow for a bit the blond tells me it’s her turn and that I should go shower. So I drag my buck-naked ass over to the bathroom. While the bathroom was pretty gross, there appeared to be a few clean towels folded on the shelf, a quick sniff proved it to be true. At least they smelled clean. I took my watch off (oh shit only 30 minutes left!), placed it on the toilet and showered away. There is certainly no shortage of hot water in Russia. It’s all provided by the city.

While scrubbing my nuts, I realize I just committed monger fatal error #1. I left my clothes, which contain all my Russian money and passport in the other room. So I rinse off as fast a humanly possible and get the hell out of there. When I return to the room the girls are where I left them, drinking beer and watching TV. The blond runs out to shower, comes back to find me waiting on the bed and starts sucking. Probably about a 8 on the BJ scale. Wet, sloppy and lots of hand action. I’m really enjoying this when there’s 3 loud taps on the door. Oh fuck, times up. The say something in Russian to the person at the door who responds and the blond asks if I want more time. Uh, duh, of course I want more time. She says “we, more 1” then writes on a piece of paper 2,000. another hour of the 2 of them for 2000? I’m not math genius, but I know I just paid 2200 for 2 hours. So, just to clarify, I point to them, point to my watch (that I realize isn’t on) and hold up 2 fingers and she says. “Nyet”, points to a watch she isn’t wearing and holds up one finger. Hmmm… I guess the sale is over. Then I point to her, and hold up a finger. She writes 900. There’s a knock again. I say ok, and go to my pants to get the money. Well golly gee. I left the hotel with 4200 rubles, Paid the madam 2200, 200 for beers and water, and for some strange reason there’s only 800 rubles in my pocket. I look at them, they look away. An awkward pause and I say “No, I go.” I still have to pay the taxi driver. My passport and credit cards are still there, so for 1000 rubles ($30) I’ll avoid any kind of scene.

They yell something in Russian and then get dressed. I’ve never seen two women get dressed so fast in my entire life. I swear they went from butt naked to fully clothed bundled up in less then 45 seconds. I’m still getting my pants on, and they’re already gone, without a word, no kiss, no bye, no nothing. Vanished. So I finish dressing and leave and the nice old lady is waiting outside with a cheerful smile. I get downstairs and outside and the car full of girls is speeding off and my driver isn’t there. Oh fuck. So I send him and SMS “Where are you?” and I get a quick reply, “5 minutes”. Not exactly the kind of place I want to be standing alone by myself at night, but he does show up 5 minutes later. I tell him I think I was robbed 1000 rubles and he gets really upset. While I’m 99% sure I had the amounts I thought I did, there was no way I could prove it. He picks up his phone to start calling and I tell him to forget it. I’m not 100% sure. He spends the next 20 minutes apologizing, with me saying not to worry. If losing $30 is the worst thing that happens to me here then so be it. I’m off to Moscow the next day, and he seems like a nice enough guy, so I ask him if he drives to Moscow and how much: $70. Hmm, that’s a $30 savings over the guy that’s taking me tomorrow, so if I use this guy I’m even. We get back to the hotel and I tell him that I would like to go to Moscow at 1pm tomorrow and I’ll send him and SMS when I’m ready.

When I get back to my room at the hotel I realize I left my watch at the apartment. It’s only a couple hundred dollar watch, but has a tremendous sentimental value as my mother gave it to me for my birthday 3 weeks before she passed away last year. I’m completely devastated. I’ll never see it again... 30 seconds later I get an SMS from the driver saying “Found watch, will bring tomorrow”. I’m duly impressed.

I wake up at 11 the next morning and pack up real quick and take a shower for the 12:00 check out and send an SMS to the driver to pick me up at 1:00. I get a quick “ok” reply. I open the window and it’s freezing out. No matter, I’m leaving and I’ll have a bite at the restaurant downstairs before I go. I check out and lug my shit over to the restaurant, and unlike the last few days, there’s a pretty decent crowd in there. Hmmm, maybe there’s a Saturday brunch or something. I settle in at a table and one of the waiters runs over smirking and says “Sorry, private today, you not eat here.” What the fuck is that all about. Maybe they should put a sign up. Upon leaving, there actually IS a sign up, which I’ll go ahead and assume says “private party” but who the fuck knows, it was all in Cyrillic.

I go sit my ass down in the lobby and wait for the driver. While I’m sitting there playing bejeweled on my palmtop, busload after busload of Russian tourists enter the lobby. There must have been 400 of them. I’m not quite sure what they’re there to see, it’s certainly not a mongering trip.

The driver (I’ll continue to refer to him as the driver, because I can’t for the life of me remember his name – It was something pretty weird) sent me and SMS saying he was waiting outside. He greets me out front and hands me my watch. What a relief. He told me that the old lady found it and called him.

I asked him to stop at McDonalds because I was starving and need a quick snack for the 4.5 hour ride to Moscow. He dials and starts yapping in his phone, then tells me his very good friend Elena studied English for many years. She has also been cooking all morning. He asked me if I would like to try some traditional Russian food, and go to her house to eat and talk some English with his friend who never gets to practice. Yeah sure, why not. I like a free meal as much as the next guy and my English is pretty good. He gives me a warning that where she lives is not a very nice place, but she is a very nice woman with a husband and a daughter, and it would be and honor to have me there. I tell him not to worry about it and off we go.

We arrive at a complex not unlike the place I was at last night, except this street appeared to have more houses vs. apartment buildings. It did however have the same dirty pothole ridden streets and filth everywhere. We pull up to what appears to be a large house, and a woman and young girl are standing in the doorway. The driver waves and apparently this is her. Blond, early to mid 30’s and a just a tad on the heavy side. She was probably quite a catch about 10 years ago. As we entered the “house” I was pretty shocked. It was filthy. We walked down a long wide foyer with numbered doors lining the walls. There were dogs, bugs and garbage everywhere. It was hard to keep a smile, but she was so genuinely happy to have me there I felt pretty good considering the surroundings. We entered the last room on the left, and when I say room, I mean room. The room was about 25’ x 25’ with a twin bed on one side, and another small twin on the other side with small N’sync and Britney Spears posters above it. A big window on one wall and the other wall had a shelving type unit with a TV playing news footage of the Crown prince of Spain’s wedding surrounded various photos of what appeared to be her family. An old 3’ tall refrigerator was in the other corner of the room next to the door. A tall bookshelf divided the room, and on the end of it was a small table with 3 chairs.

She said “I hope your hungry” to which I replied in the affirmative and 3 bowls were placed on the table with a basket of bread. She then placed a large bowl with a white soup looking stuff in it. She proceeded to fill all the bowls with the stuff that I can’t remember the name. The “soup” was interesting. It was an ice cold white creamy concoction of ham, onions, potatoes, cucumbers and some other small green leafy herbs. Wasn’t bad actually and went good with the bread. She then starts chatting away non-stop about the two favorite subjects of every person that hardly ever gets to talk to an American; September 11th, and Bush. Her English is near perfect which is quite surprising considering she told me she hasn’t spoken English in over 10 years since she left college, and she has never spoken with a native English speaker. I’m surprised she hasn’t done better for herself, maybe getting a job for a multi-national in Moscow. The topics fly all over the place. She works at the taxi place as a dispatcher with the driver. I learn that she lives in this “room” with her husband and 8 year old daughter. When nature calls, I also discover the community bathroom. It’s the kind of place you have to hold your nose to take leak otherwise you’ll pass out from the fumes. Shortly after we said our good-byes, and I was profusely thanked for coming over and sharing a meal. I wasn’t sad to leave. It was pretty shocking to me people could still be living like this in “modern-day” Russia. This was the kind of stuff I saw in India. I thought the fall of communism gave more opportunities, but out in rural Russia, things really haven’t changed.

That was a darn good report. I really like reading about "strange" places, especially when someone gets out of the main cities and sees something of the rest of the country.

"Pookie". That's awesome.

I'll make it Moscow or St. Petersburg one day, but, ironically, the best place for Russian women for me (so far) has been Tel Aviv. More expensive but easily accessible in a modern city and archeologically interesting country. Great reading your prose. Thanks.

what an experiance, I went to moscow only going to The night flight club, night club in Moscow
costing me $300 to pick up a woman there
I learned later that you can haggle with them for a cheaper price

It was indeed a very interesting report! Hope you continue sharing your experiences in Russia with us.

Damn great report. I just got around to reading it now. THANKS so much for the details of everything from the flights to the roads to the hotel, etc.

Russia has always been in my game plan to visit but the hobby scene doesn't sound that great. I know there is an upper end model type girl scene but prices are sky high.

Thanks also for sharing about your "fatal errors". I did the exact same thing in Amsterdam a few weeks ago. I let my guard down because I've never been ripped off by a girl before out of all the places I've been to. I went to go shower for just 3 minutes to rinse off and in that time her friend had enough time to steal $300 out of my wallet that was in my pants pocket.

Sounds like you went over on business which is cool. Not sure if I'll ever make it to Russia to hobby but hopefully I visit Russia in the future. Thanks for a great and detailed report.

Good job Dood. Rural Russia and rural Cuba sound very similar. Nice people living in terribly run down conditions. It's kinda eerie too, 'cause you know that at one time the country might've had something going for it. It's almost like visiting a living musuem exhibiting the failures of a flawed economic system.

I must say that so far it doesn't make a trip to Russia sound very appealing. Were you there solely for vacation or was business involved?

DG,

It was mildly business related. I only "made" it my business so I could get a peek at the mongering scene. I really need to go back to evaluate though. From a price standpoint, it doesn't hold a candle to Rio.

I was in Domodedevo airport this weekend, and met a girl from Yaroslavl. Small world.