After a few hours snoozing on and off, I got up, threw on some clothes and headed out to call Jack to hook up our mall date for later that day. I was more than a little eager to hook up some more time (hopefully of more QUALITY too!) with her outside of the bar, but with Ilaw gone off to BKK, I was cellphone-less and scratching my head a bit as to how to make a call in Thailand.

I had always used some sort of pay-4-calls businesses in Thailand to do this before. The charge was usually something outlandish like 40 baht per minute, but as long as the call went through, I didn’t care too much, although in the back of my mind, I DID figure that getting a Thai SIM for my now working again Nokia phone might not be the worst idea I ever had. I headed for Second Road and ended up in some shopping-center type place where I almost immediately ran into Omega and his older buddy, a guy who’s a legend from the TSM board from his former Central American days. The guy had taken Omega’s advice and tried an Asia trip and ended up STAYING THERE and moving to Bangkok and then Pattaya. He didn’t seem too depressed about the change of domicile!

Omega’s bud insisted that I use his phone to call Jack, and as anyone might predict, she begged off from any date saying she was ‘tired and sleeping’ when I called her at noon, an hour after I said I would when she had left early that morning. Jack was quickly eliminated from my possible options on my last night in Pattaya, and despite the fact that I was feeling a little disheveled after having just fallen out of bed, I gladly followed Omega and his amigo out to an early opening Soi 8 beer bar to have a few early afternoon Heinekens and BS with some DAMNED friendly bargirls.

I cannot even begin to tell you how much I enjoyed this afternoon, and beer literally flowed like WATER because Omega kept RINGING THE DAMNED BELL, which had beers literally stacked up in front of me. It certainly didn’t hurt that the ~dozen or so girls at this little beer bar got into a REALLY festive mood with the ladies drinks-a-flowing, and it seemed that every time I finished a bottle of beer a new girl would become my fave.

Finally, after a couple hours of drinking in the heat and humidity and making out/sucking tit/watching some chicks doing the same, I figured it was time to get the REAL party started. I had a definite fave from the bar that I wanted (and probably for more than short time), but was debating whether I wanted to take at LEAST one more (and maybe TWO MORE) as well. As the barfines were only 200 baht (GAWD my CHEAP ASS LOVES PATTAYA), it truly seemed like ‘the more the merrier’. The only problem was that I was a little short on cash. I called a quick timeout, wished Omega luck with HIS target that he was planning to barfine, and said I’d be right back after I headed for the ATM.

I took the opportunity to hit my room ½ block away for a (much-needed) shower, then changed clothes and headed to Second Road to use the ATM. But I almost FAINTED IN THE STREET when I opened my wallet and my ATM card WASN’T FUCKING THERE!

Now I KNOW (now better than ever) that it is not an optimal situation (REALLY fucking STUPID, actually) to be with only ONE source of funds on an extended trip to foreign countries, but that was the situation that I found myself in when staring at a wallet with NO valid plastic in it. My mind instantly RACED as to what could have POSSIBLY happened to my ATM card. Had Jack taken it? Nah, VERY unlikely, as I really don’t sleep soundly enough in Asia (without a safe in the room, anyway) to have allowed her to rummage around in my stuff. Had I left it in the ATM when I had used it the night before on Walking Street? The more I thought about THAT scenario, the more I believed it. In FULL panic mode, and with about 100 baht to my NAME at that point, I jumped on the first baht bus back to Walking Street hoping to find SOME sort of guidance in the late afternoon as to what I might be able to do about an ATM-swallowed cash card.

Upon arrival at the machine I used, I quickly discovered no nearby bank branch, and just a numberto call for ‘assistance’. As 5 PM had just passed, the chances of being able to do ANYTHING about the situation that day seemed beyond remote. And I was REALLY, REALLY broke. Well, except the fact that I had a relative small FORTUNE in Mexican pesos that I had brought with me on my trip from home – more than 400 bucks worth at standard exchange rates, which was more than enough to tide me over for the next few days and get me back to Bangkok to catch my flight to Singapore to meet up with my old amigo MongerX who might be able to help get me through this unexpected emergency.

The only problem with THIS was that Mexican Pesos are about as useful as Cuban currency is in the USA: They simply could NOT be exchanged. I knew this because I had been trying to find a place to cash them in at 3-4 different places daily since my trip began. I had been stuck with the pesos because the ONLY exchange places at both the MTY and Phoenix airports had been closed when I was on my outbound flights, and the ripoff rates at LAX pissed me off so bad that I told them to fuck off. Pure GENIUS on my part, but hey, if you’re not hot-blooded, you ain’t living, di ba?

TOTALLY disconsolate, I phoned Omega who was in the same hotel as I was, and probably interrupted his session with HIS beer bar girl. He graciously offered to call me back in 20 minutes, and I SWEAR I went downstairs and checked the safety deposit box in the lobby 3 separate times to see if I had had a brain fart and stashed the card there without remembering. No luck. Omega called as promised and said he was headed to dinner with a friend and invited me to tag along to keep me company in my time of near suiCIDAL depression. What the FUCK was I going to do in Thailand for two more days with less than a buck to my name, much less with nearly a MONTH left on my vacation?

When meeting Omega in the lobby, he volunteered to do one of the singularly nicest things anyone has ever done for me: He offered to buy my Mexican pesos from me. He said he was returning to the US within the week, wasn’t pressed for cash at the time, would likely be heading for Mexico for a little ‘R&R’ within a few months of returning home, and that he could see my obvious distress and desperation from being faced with such an emergency. I was literally on the verge of tears.

With my immediate survival needs met (I could at the very LEAST get to Singapore as scheduled), Omega helped me brainstorm my next steps. I was VERY hopeful that the bank that I figured had eaten my ATM card while I had been drunk and distracted by Jack the night before (this has happened to me once in my life before) might be able to help me actually get it back the next day, though I now understand that most machines SHRED the cards that are retained, meaning I’d have been FUCKED. Omega suggested that I have someone at the hotel contact the bank (I speak ZIPPO Thai) and see what my best course of action would be. I also consoled myself with the fact that I could always call home and have someone help me with some emergency cash if a replacement card wasn’t possible to get (and I doubt it would be from my Mexican bank). I also contacted MongerX who suggested that maybe my bank could transfer the money into another account or wire it to me in Asia if I couldn’t get a new card. Of course it was still in the back of my mind that if someone had gotten ahold of my Visa DEBIT CARD, it could have cleaned out my bank acct. with purchases if somehow the card was GRABBED by someone after I left the ATM.

I did indeed ask for assistance from the hotel desk staff, and they called the bank and gave me an address to visit in the morning for possible assistance in locating my card. I decided NOT to call home and worry everyone that I was up shit’s creek until talking with the bank the next day. After THAT, I figured I’d go buy a bottle of 80 baht whiskey and drink myself into oblivion to keep my mind from racing all night and not being able to sleep wondering what it might be like to have to sell blood to get some sort of emergency money in Thailand when you really, REALLY need it!

But FIRST, I figured I’d go back to the beer bar and explain to my original barfine target what had actually happened and why I had disappeared. She did come over immediately and ask what was up, but made it clear that she was occupied with some apparent big spenders at the bar. I told her I understood, and was HOPING she could spend the night for just the barfine money (I had a few hundred bucks on me, but was in no mood to spend it, obviously with my situation so unstable), as she spoke English fairly well and might have been able to help me the next morning with the bank. She gave me her cell # and told me to call her in a bit.

Dynamics changed quite a bit, though, when the big spenders at that beer bar kind of took me under their wing and started including me in all of their free rounds that they were buying. A friendly young British guy told me not to worry, that they wouldn’t be barfining ‘my’ girl, and that if I hung out for a bit I could have fun at their expense and get the girl too. Seemed like a big plan to me at the time, and I was damned happy to accept his offer.

Of course after a couple drinks, hanging out with these folks seemed a LOT more fun than crying on my bargirl’s shoulder, and when they offered to have me tag along on their Soi 8 barhop, it didn’t take much arm-twisting. Little did I know that this was just an interlude in a VERY strange night.

Photos: Soi 8 Barhop 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42

I soon found out that I wasn’t with just a bunch of tourists with a spitload of money that were out for a good time. All were full-time Thai residents with obviously VERY deep pockets, and I almost fell out of my chair when my new GQ-type English amigo (who seemed to speak FLUENT Thai) started mentioning Angeles City and told me that the TRUE big spender of the bunch was a guy that was at least a PARTNER in a VERY high-end group of bars in Angeles City, Philippines! What a small, small, SMALL fucking world!

My English amigo advised me that I should probably not get involved in their little spending contests and try and run my own tabs if I didn’t want to HEMORRHAGE baht on the bartabs, as their general practice was to take turns buying whole ROUNDS for each bar we hit. Of course they never allowed me to do that and laughed when I tried to slip them 100 baht now and then for my drinks. In between moments with bargirls all over him, I talked a bit with the AC impresario, and it was amazing how much we had to talk about re: people we both knew in that town.

After a couple hours drinking with my new benefactors, I was feeling a LOT better about my situation. I was now CONFIDENT that I would somehow get my ATM card back in the morning, or at WORST have to survive a couple days before my money problems were solved with my bank back home. And due to Omega’s mitzvah, I was sitting on tens of thousands of baht and hadn’t spent a CENT all night. So when we made our way down to the end of Soi 8, I figured I couldn’t go too far wrong by buying a ladies’ drink for a pleasant (and older) big-titted chick after she instantly broke out a cold towel to cool me down and administered some much needed TLC.

Being well drunk and strangely relaxed in light of my FUCKED UP situation, I ended up having the most amazing time in the bar with my older, chubbier sweetie. She was one of the smarter bar girls I had ever run into, and while I know I was quite drunk at the time, and on another PLANET mentally, I REALLY enjoyed the time I spent with her in the bar. I didn’t even get into the root of my problems, just sat there with her talking about life in general, and she was as good of a listener as she was a barroom philosopher. I settled in for a bit with her (two drinks – near MARRIAGE in a Soi 8 beer bar!), and my new ‘amigos’seemed to realize that I was a goner and moved on without as much of a goodbye. While I appreciated the free booze and the diversion they provided, they weren’t missed.

Photo: Chubby Girl 43

As I hadn’t eaten ALL DAY (an exTREME rarity, for those that know me!), and had been drinking heavily and with the afternoon adrenaline rush crashing and burning, I confessed to my love of the minute that I needed food RIGHT THEN and that I wanted it within close proximity. She pointed to the street vendors and offered to fetch me some, but still dyed in the wool CHEAP and REALLY worried about WHAT I might get fed, I walked out to the vendor with her and confirmed that it was A) CHEAP, B) appetizing looking and smelling, and C) could be ready tout de suite. A couple minutes later we were both gnawing on chicken on a stick, and my churning stomach quickly calmed.

Since I figured I had long since blown things with my orginal barfine/morning translator target for my trip to the bank, it didn’t take me too long to lock onto this LARGE-titted beer bar girl that spoke only slightly worse English as a replacement. And when she started making out with me in the bar and basically confirming with her every action that she’d treat me like a GOD, it didn’t take me long to figure that 30 bucks for a barfine/sexual diversion/morning administrative assistant would be a DAMNED good use of my suddenly finite funds. When I told my beer bar girl what I had in mind, she JUMPED at the opportunity and we were out the door in seconds after paying the bar tab.

After a quick stop at the 7-11 around the corner from Flipper House for some party supplies, we retired to my room for what I can only describe as an all-night sexual romp that completely released all built-up aggressions and frustrations. I mean, beginning at about 12 AM, my evening’s rent-a-date literally fucked my BRAINS OUT every hour on the hour, then either massaged me or snoozed with me until the next round came. This was absolutely one of the most unforgettable nights of my entire life, both due to exTREME anguish and anxiety, and imMENSE pleasure delivered by the hooker gods, who not only met every sexual need I could have ever possibly had in one night, but was emotionally soothing as well. While I am not in the LEAST religious, this chick was simply an ANGEL sent unto me to ease some tremendous anguish.

After merely hinting at my problems all night, at about 5 AM I finally confessed to my chunky girlfriend the exact nature of my situation, and while she had no insight to offer, she did continue with the non-stop TLC. When sun-up came and time came near for me to get up and head out for my bank mission, I also remembered that there was an impending power outage that had been advertised a couple days earlier when I checked into Flipper House. Due to beer bar construction across the street, all power was to be shut down on Soi 7 at 8 AM, and sure enough, as I was showering/shaving, all electricity simply shut off. I finished cleaning up, and figured I’d pack for my ~ noonish check-out before we headed off on our bank mission.

Approximately 10 seconds into my packing, I reached into a pocket of my suitcase and immediately started jumping up and down like O.J. when the verdict was announced. There, deep inside my suitcase, was not only my ATM card, but my DRIVER’S LICENSE that I had never even noticed was missing from either my wallet or the safety deposit box downstairs in the lobby! For probably the first time in my LIFE, I suddenly felt RICH! I cannot do justice in words to the sheer happiness I felt at that moment. Instantly the memory came back to me that I had drunkenly stashed my ATM card and ID the night Jack had slept over while she was in the shower because I didn’t want to worry about anything while I showered and shaved that night and/or while I was sleeping with her. While resolving to never, ever, EVER have my ATM card in a semi-random location and not secured again on a mongering trip, I did a Porker happy dance the likes of which will never be seen again. The swing of emotion from seVERE depression over possibly facing a MONTH in PARADISE with absolutely NO cash to all of a sudden having seemingly unLIMITED funds again left me as probably the happiest motherfucker on the face of the planet.

I quickly explained the cause of my happiness to my pooying, and told her we were headed out to breakfast to celebrate. We had little choice but to leave the hotel at that point, anyway, as there was no power, and the sun had already begun to assault the room with light/heat.

As I didn’t know much about the Soi 7-8 area, we jumped the baht bus back towards Soi 13 and Dynasty, and ended up eating at the Apex Hotel cheap breakfast buffet again and then heading to the internet café back towards Dynasty as I helped my girl re-establish a lapsed Hotmail account. She now emails me weekly wondering when I’m coming back. While I had a truly unforgettable night with that girl, as you’ll see from her pic, I am not in any rush to in any way lead her to believe that she’s some sort of exclusive chick in any possible future Thai mongering trips.

We said goodbye in the little alley between Soi 7 and 8 mere moments after she hooked me up with a cheap return vanride back to BKK via Eastiny Travel (300 baht). I gave her 1600 baht in a fit of extreme euphoria and gratitude, and severely wished that the relatively waaay above and beyond compensation might be able to help her life as much as she had absolutely SAVED MINE the night before when I was SURE my world was crashing down around me.

With nothing better to do without AC at Flipper House, I left a note for Omega offering to buy back my pesos (no need for them to be HIS burden anymore) then headed to the pool for a morning cool-off swim to unwind and kill the bit of time I had left before my ride to BKK was to arrive. Flashbacks of the previous night’s anguish haunted that time, but with the next day’s trip to Singapore imminent, it wasn’t hard to replace the BAD memories with happy ones: I was relatively RICH and IMMERSED in Puki-ville. The rollercoaster of emotions promised 4 more WEEKS of happy endings. THANK YOU, LORD!!!

Porker,

I bumped into Omega in TJ this weekend. He was putting your pesos to good use.

Sterling

Porker,

So I am not the only one with a rapidly diminishing memory, I am always doing things like that. So I felt for you the whole way through this report from the moment you lost your card. I think I was nearly as relieved as you were when I read you found it! Must be good writing style keeping up the suspense.

Leaving your card in the machine really sucks. I did that on my last day in Phuket a while back. I didn't realize it until it was too late. Fortunately, my bank actually had a branch in Kuala Lumpur (my next stop). Unfortunately, they were not able to let me withdraw funds. Fortunately, my branch was able to express ship a new card within a couple of days. My new strategy is to equip myself with two cards for two different accounts and keep one tucked away for safe keeping. If I lose one, I have the other.

Porker, riviting post man. I'm shitting my drawers. Wow.

Reminds me of Guadalajara, one night at the Titanic (5AM) I had no cash in my fuck money account and their credit card machine would not work so I had the manager, the waiter and the bouncer standing over me waiting to get paid.

I re-learned what a bum-squint was. Glad things turned out ok hombre. Fuck, that was close!

Country John

I'm emotionally obliterated...I've got tears in my eyes and trying to applaud as I write this!

Alzheimer's mixed with alcohol is NOT a good combination. I'm really glad Omega got some use from those pesos, he REALLY went out of his way to help me, and I'll forever be in his debt.

Porker~

Fuck, I am rolling........... that is a fucking classic story, and well written. I think it is singularly the best bit I have read ever on CH. I live there 9 months out of the year and survive on my ATM card. But I have two, one to my savings acct (which stays in the securty box) and one to my checking acct. I keep a finite amount of money in the checking, as if I ever get porker, then I wont' be too severly hammered. I can use the savings acct card and get buy until the bank is contacted and the new card arrives. But dude, fuck, how fucking awsome you found your card after all was thought lost, fuck man, you were dancing around like a faggot on a dick farm. How perfect, good on ya and continue the great reports.

Photos integrated into chapter