Contrasted with my life flashing before my eyes the night before when my ATM card came up missing, once I found said ATM card and realized that I was still close to fully capitalized for the next month that remained of my 5 week Asia trip this past summer, I was absolutely on cloud Frickin’ NINE and ready to do some SERIOUS damage on my last night in Thailand before my scheduled early AM flight to Singapore the next morning (where the plan was to immediately meet up with my old amigo MongerX and make a beeline for Batam, Indonesia).

The 300 baht vanride booked through Eastiny Travel (at their Soi 8 office, close to one of the Eastiny hotels, please don’t ask me WHICH!) that I had been tipped off to from my veteran Soi 8 beer bar girl, arrived shortly after their 11:30 AM expected arrival time, and I was happy to get into the air cond/van after sweating a bit in the non-air-con Flipper House lobby area (probably the biggest negative about that hotel). I had booked the Eastiny travel van, as somewhat bizarrely the 350 baht Dynasty van service that I had inquired about earlier that morning was supposedly ‘not running’ that day. As this kind of threw me a bit, I asked if they were ‘full’, but was told that, no, the service wasn’t operating on that early July Wednesday. Weird.

The Eastiny van gave me about what I paid for, as I was forced to wait 15 minutes outside another travel office down near Soi 2, but only had to make one other stop at a hotel to pick up some swarthy-looking Brit and his lily-white GF who were heading to China for TWO DAYS to wrap up their 2-week ‘holiday’. All was well until we hit Bangkok, and then I started regretting my choice of travel service when we drove around 4 1-way blocks in BKK 2-3 times each before being shunted to another van to take us to our divergently located hotels. I’ll let you take one guess as to who got dropped off first…

Nevertheless, I made it to Dynasty BKK on Soi 4 by 3 PM, a mere 3 ½ hours after I was originally supposed to be picked up. Certainly not the most timely service around, but not the worst value in the world either, as I was technically delivered door to door in air-cond comfort for 300 baht.

I had already pre-paid my room for that night at Dynasty before I had left for Pattaya so check-in was a breeze, though I was required to leave a 500 baht deposit against incidental charges that I am pretty damned sure I had never had to leave on previous stays, including the one less than a week before. I figured it wasn’t at all a big deal, as I’d certainly need 500 baht at the airport for the ripoff departure tax the next morning anyway on top of the ~200 baht taxi fare. While cheaper fares make using BKK as a base of operations for other Asia side-trip adventures, I REALLY didn’t enjoy paying that 500 baht departure fee 3 frickin’ times in 4 weeks. In defense of Thailand, however, my other experiences at Don Muang Airport have been extremely painless and hassle free all-across the board.

I shaved and showered and headed to 7-11 to stock up on a couple things for the room before heading out to MorningNight bar on Soi 4 near the corner of Sukhumvit to enjoy some late afternoon cerveza and watch the amazing parade of working girls trickling in from their moto-taxis to begin their evenings’ work at Nana Entertainment Plaza, mere yards away. As Morning/Night is hardly a secret, however, I had to kind of jockey for position to get a rail-side seat to watch the show as they can draw quite a crowd of bald-headed shirtless tattooed Brits at that time of day with similar ideas.

Of course as I headed for a second row table with eyes on a cute, older, slim type girl that I SWEAR I have hit on several times before in my limited time in BKK, I ended up mere inches away from my buddy Ilaw, who was thoroughly enthralled with his Thai GF that he had been ducking for a few days in Pattaya before finally admitting to have landed in Thailand and becoming severely pussy-whipped. Ilaw was obviously well-hooked up for the evening/week/restofhisvacation, but was eager to have me find an accomplice of my own to make it a foursome for an impending evening barhop. And as the girl right in front of me looked damned good to me and was a friend of his amiga’s, I was pretty sure that a barfine for that girl was imminent and that the four of us would be leaving shortly.

Except I ended up having another younger, prettier, HOTTER girl nearly throwing herself at me to get my attention, at which point I was immediately spellbound. While my original target was certainly attractive and friendly, the new girl (Mat. Yeah, I’d have a ‘Jack’ and ‘’Mat’ on consecutive nights in Thailand!) almost made me jump out of my seat and chase her around the bar. I think I set my all-time cheapskate’s record in offering to buy her a drink so quickly.

Mat was certainly friendly enough, and damned cute, but there was also just something about her that made me want her BAD. Maybe it was the not-so-slight ENGLISH accent she had when speaking pretty damned good English, maybe it was the way she simply mirrored any sort of affection I showed toward her. But by the time her drink hit the table, I was hooked.

As I was already aware of Ilaw’s plan for the evening (barhop with his fave, preferably leaving soon), it didn’t take me much interview time to set up a double with my new amiga Mat. The way I left things with her was that I wanted to barfine her to go out with my friends and have some ‘fun’. While it was in the back of my mind that Mat could soak me for some drinks and then eventually bail before ‘happy ending time’ came, the combination of a slight early evening buzz, and an above average attraction to her led me to the point where I figured I’d just pay her barfine and hope for the best.

And the BEST was indeed what I got 20X over, as I had one of my most enjoyable nights ever in Thailand, and Mat was simply the perfect date throughout the night.

Well, except when she kept rushing off to take phone calls from the supposedly insanely jealous ‘ex’ Brit BF, with whom she supposedly lived for a few years (by the ripe old age of 21. At least it explained the accent!)…

Ilaw and his girl suggested heading out barhopping on Soi Cowboy, and as I had never been there before, I was certainly not one to argue. I did beg off for a few minutes in a request to head back to Dynasty for a quick shower and a change (while I love Morning/Night, even less than a couple hours in the open air and late afternoon humidity in BKK while imbibing alcoholic beverages can lead to more than a little ‘ripeness’).

Mat dutifully followd me back to the room, and I’m sure that she probably fully expected me to attack her while we were alone there. Had I not been so happily drunk, I might have, and my big Thai night out might have resulted in a series of short times instead of what remains as a great GFE memory.

As I WAS well-behaved and merely cleaning up, meeting up with Ilaw and his chick was easy enough, and soon we were in a taxi heading the mere blocks to Soi Cowboy.

While I had heard quite a bit about Soi Cowboy, and had actually been recruited by an old-friend to try and barfine a potential money ko of his that worked at a bar there, all the bar names ran together as we turned the corner and were presented with what seemed to be quite the endless row of go-go bars. I can’t for the life of me remember any of the bars we passed along the way, but I’m almost certain that the bar we ended up in and spent several hours was Long Gun.

LG reminded me slightly of Pattaya’s Walking Street go-gos in that there seemed to be just WAVES of girls that all took turns dancing onstage. Of course they were slightly older/less attractive and wore 60% more clothing, but the enthusiasm of my date in watching the show more than distracted me from making any sort of negative comparisons. As SHE was having fun, soon I was as well. And it probably didn’t hurt either of us when we started imbibing a series of ‘Bodka Ledburs’ (AKA ‘vodka and Red Bull’), which was pretty damned tasty, and probably ended up having quite a kick to it.

In all, we probably stayed at Long Gun for a little more than 2 hours ogling dancers, before deciding to head out for some dinner before heading to the Marriott a bit later to meet Bwana Dik, the man, the myth, the LEYENDA from the S. American side of the board, who I had been very excited about meeting on for what for both of us was probably neutral turf, as I know he probably prefers the delights of Brazil almost as much as I LOVE Angeles City in the Philippines.

I have absolutely NO clue what the name of the restaurant was that we ended up dining at that night, and while I was probably more than a little drunk at the time, I was seVERELY blown away at what an incredible German food place we ended up stumbling into. I mean, my mouth dropped open several times looking at the wine barrel props embedded into the walls and the 140% accurate German pub decorations that were in the upper-level (empty, of course) cigar lounge that was also home to the bathrooms.

And then the food came. While I didn’t quite get the curry-wurst I ordered for the second time in 3 days (and 25+ years since the last time before THAT), the pork sausage was inCREDIBLY delicious and while Epi claims that some place in Pattaya has the world’s greatest potato salad (and I don’t even really LIKE POTATO SALAD!), the shit that little restaurant on the corner of Soi Cowboy and whatever major street it bisected, had stuff that is STILL making my mouth water more than two months and 35+ working girls later. I don’t think I can possibly rate a restaurant higher than I rate that German pub at the entrance to Soi Cowboy, but, DUDE, that was some DAMNED good food, and the place also LOOKED like it had been imported board by board from somewhere in the middle of Stuttgart and Karlsruhe. And of course, as might be expected in Thailand, the tab for all four of us, including drinks and tip, came to less than 800 baht. Unreal.

By this time, Mat was WELL-drunk (she was matching ME round for round, and was less than half my weight), and was just a MAD-woman rattling off English conversation like she had to fill a solid 10 minute block on Jay Leno or something. The thing I most remember was her constant quoting (with my encouragement, of course!) of nearly flawless Austin Powers lines, and I mean like every quote from all three films. Her Brit ‘ex’-BF must have done quite a number on her.

Soon the meeting time with Bwana Dik drew near, and we piled into a taxi headed for the Marriott, where we arrived slightly fashionably late for our planned meeting. Of course, Mat was fidgety and got a little bossy and wanted to know why we were hanging out in the stuffy Marriott (drinkless. They looked expensive!) listening to jazzy piano-bar music, and where the hell was my friend (who I had never met) ANYWAY!

I finally broke down and bought a round of drinks, and almost swallowed my breathmint 10 minutes later when it ended up costing me 1000 baht for the privilege after we finally ran into Bwana and he graciously agreed to head out to a more economical place! If you’re at ALL concerned about operating in the LoS on any sort of budget, I would STRONGLY advise you to avoid hanging out at the Marriot!

Mat was the clear leader among our original 4-some, and she almost commanded that we go back to the girls’ bar Morning Night to find a suitable companion for Bwana Dik. As it was pouring down rain as we left the hotel, we all piled into a taxi to head back to Soi 4, and my drunken mind started spinning a bit when it took us like 10 minutes and what seemed like a DOZEN turns to finally end up at our destination. In a drunken free-spending moment that will probably live in infamy for me, I ended up paying for the taxi ride, only to find out moments later that Bwana had already beaten me to the punch! DOH!

Inside Morning Night, after 1 AM, the place was still going strong in Mid-July. I can only imagine how it must suck now with nearly all of the NEP-area mongering joints being shut tight by 1 AM. Mat immediately headed for the back pool table and suggested we play, while seemingly bouncing all over the bar looking to find a friend of hers that Bwana might find acceptable on his first few hours in town.

After about 1 game of pool the alcohol finally got the best of me for good, and there began to be rumblings that the bar was going to be end up closing soon: You know, the lights came on, pool tables were covered, waitresses started grabbing checks from the tab cups like they were about to expire and spouting their best attempt at English numbers at you.

While I’d love to claim credit for getting Bwana hooked up on his first night in town, the fact is that I was DAMNED focused on just getting my little hottie back to my room before alcohol impaired me to a point beyond where the little blue pill would enable me to recover! I said a quick goodbye, grabbed Mat and dragged her the few hundred feetback to Dynasty.

At that point in the evening, I had had a WONDEFUL time with that girl: She was not only attractive and sexy, but incredibly entertaining, especially since we had started out in a situation where I was a bit shy due to her (to ME) intimidating-caliber looks. As I had to get up to catch a taxi to the airport to catch a flight to Singapore in a mere 3 ½ hours, I would have deemed the evening an overwhelming success if we had somehow just drifted off into a dunken slumber until my wake-up call came at 5:30 the next morning.

But in an ending only befitting such an enormously joyous day/night, Mat the Soi 4 beer bar hottie absolutely FUCKED MY BRAINS OUT! I mean she ran through every ounce of alcohol-burned energy source that my body could produce, and wound up extracting a load from DEEEEP inside of me when I was SURE that dehydration had fully deprived me of ANY bodily fluids. While I have had some pretty insanely intense sex sessions in Asia, Mat absolutely gave me the ultimate ANIMAL fuck!

By the time the blessed event finally occurred just short of 3 AM, I think BOTH OF US were so exhausted that we just drifted off to sleep naked and still entwined. Unfortunately (well, or maybe not, YOU DECIDE!), I was a bit too geeked over possibly oversleeping for my pre-8 AM flight the next day to sleep restfully, and Mat was kind of lying next to me grinding her teeth with eyes open while seeming quite catatonic (something I’d soon chalk up to being in SOME sort of drug-related purgatory between awake/sleeping).

Relatively oblivious to her state, I ended up waking up from my second or third rather restless power nap with a (surely) vitamin-V induced boner of STEEL. As a few rubs in the right places got Mat to assume the Gumby-esque molding of my choice, it was soon game ON for the second time in a couple hours, and while Mat was as compliant as a foam mattress, she certainly still fucked BACK with a passion I have rarely seen equaled by a working girl. It was almost like the immovable force meeting the inSATIABLE object, and I really, really, REALLY fucked the HELL out of that girl.

And despite having had a sexual marathon the night before with my chubby beer bar girl in Pattaya, lacking sleep for the second night in a row after drinking heavily for the umpTEENTH night in a row, after nearly an hour of solid, non-stop POUNDING away at Mat’s box, I FINALLY shot my seond load with her as we both literally colLAPSED in exhaustion. I really have no frickin’ clue what SHE might have been thinking at that time (for all I know it was than GOD that asshole is DONE!!!), but as for ME, I was seVERELY fucked out, happy as Brando at a buffet, and completely in LOVE with a bargirl that had shown me what I viewed at the time as the absolute time of my LIFE that night. If life had ever been any better, I certainly couldn’t bring up the memory as I quickly passed out asleep.

Well, for a good 45 minutes until the phone started ringing…

Photos: Mat 44 45

Porker, I was going to give you some hell about the fact that you were drove to a sexual frenzy in Thailand by a couple of people named Jack and Mat. As a famous comedian in Argentina would say "Epa, maricón no soy."

I think we are witnessing the evolution of a writer here. This report is shaping up to be an epic, and that night was, well, perfect.

Photo links added.

Wow, I had to retrace this report because Mat looks as Filipina as they come. I realize many Isaan girls look Filipina but I could see how you would be attracted to this girl because she looks like a cute little Filipina spinner....great report as usual