What a start to a trip. We arrive at Manchester Airport with loads of spare time. At checkin we are told of a 25 minute delay. We are also advised no problem with your Heathrow connection. We hit the bar in Terminal 3 and meet up with G and M who in theory are on the earlier flight with BA. We panic slightly when we realise we are the the BA area and our flight is not listed. We move to the BMI area and eventually get called with delay now of 1 hour 10 min. We are comforted by ground staff 'no problems all flights delayed'. We eventually get wheels up at 8.30 for our connection at 9.30. We are then stacked over London for 20 mins and land at Terminal 1 at 9.40. We catch the bus for Terminal 3 and find it like a ghost town with no sign of Air Canada staff who issue the boarding passes for EVA and the flight long gone. We have to walk back to Terminal 1 as the buses have stopped. No joy for a hotel for the night (compensation claim in the post) but BMI did book us on the Thai flight at 12.30 next day. I did not know at this stage that EVA don't fly on Fridays. Eventually we get to a hotel and D has to buy the barman a drink to get me a pint as it was now midnight.

The flight with Thai was good with a bit of air rage thrown in. Across the aisle a guy asked an older lady to put her seat upright because he was being crushed by the meal table. She took offence threw her pillow at him and pushed her way past a Chinese lad in the ailse seat who for the only time in the 10 hour flight stopped playing with his gameboy.

Friday
We arrived at 6am and got a Thai Limo for 1850 including tolls. As we were pulling our bags from the taxi a moto taxi arrived at RG and a young lady got off and said 'Hello Jaime'. I guess my fame preceedes me.

We unpack and head down for breakfast as the other lucky bastards who made the EVA flight emerge from their slumbers and into the light like they had been hibernating for the winter. The only consolation was that their luggage had not made it to the RG yet.

I went with D to scout around and let him get his bearings. We ended up at Phaigrin massage on Soi 3. A nice oil massage with a happy ending put us in the mood.

That afternoon we went to Big C as a large gang 5 guys and 3 ladys. M gave some cash to his lady for a pair of shoes and she came back with a handbag. That was a piss taking theme for a week with her. Jokes like where is your other shoe were never ending.

I caused a bit of a rumpus at a bar near Big C asking for mothers milk and a big kiss.

In the early evening we dined at the Capts Table and then hit the town. I had already got a message from the mamasam at the Rolling Stone Bar that by 2 Aussie sons (both Indian) had come to see me the night before and were told I missed the plane. I was downing a few in the Roo Bar when they came along Walking Street. We then ajourned to the Rolling Stone bar to catch up on old times. They had already barfined two fro the FLB so we went to collect them. L had been advised they were much more fun if the had a couple of Tequilas inside them. By this time I had taken Bens recommendation T. L and N asked how many Tequilas to order and they got 5 each. T must have thought me a Cheap Charlie as she only wanted 2. My sons went for a last night of passion and I went back to the RSB. I have no idea what time I left but I was well oiled and had some fun with T. We had a nice session in the morning and I had plans hatched to see her later. (don't make plans in Pattaya Rule no 1).

Sunday

In the drunken haze of last night we hatched a plan to go White Water Rafting to help celebrate N's Birthday with a noon meet up. We met promptly at 1pm and tried to piece together last nights events.
We set off to enjoy the delights of Soi Post Office, the rafting and drinking. Rule No1 broken again all we did was booze. N took delight in telling falang and Thai alike it was his birthday. We were on a baht bus going down beach Road and I told him ' I think it's 3' Three what? 'I said I think there are only 3 people in Pattaya you haven't told it's your birthday'.

All the time we were out I was collecting names and phone numbers in a small note book. In a week I must have collected over 50 numbers. Anyway I never got back to the RG to change. We went to the RSB for the party and had a great time. At one stage we went drinking at other bars and I was wearing a lei a 500baht note and a condom were pinned to it. I lost count of the number of girls who asked me if it was my birthday to which I replied no. At the Cheeky Girls bar I invested a few baht in some ladies panties and they proved a big hit. I did end up with a pair on my head. Back at the RSB the new big screen TV proved a hit as it was standing room only to watch the soccer whilst all the other bars in the Simon Complex could only muster a few customers between them.

It got fairly late and I was feeling 10 feet tall and bullet proof so I bar fined 2 ladies. When we got back to RG the night receptionist said she would not charge me for an extra lady as I was on the FLB rate!!!!!!!!!!!

It was chaos in the room as they opened the drinks and got the pot noodles on. Nothing like a picnic at 4 am.

I was well and truly sorted out by the two ladies. The end to another quiet day.


Monday

The usual start to the day, meet about 1pm for breakfast. We intended to play golf today but it was a Buddha day and courses would be packed with Thais. Noi from Rolling Stone bar was there and she was talking about bins. I casually asked if mine bin was OK. She replied Jaime no pay. Shit a 2 day big drinking bin to settle tonight. As we had a couple of ladies around we had to resort to codes. If we fancied Soi 6 we talked about half of twelve similarly Soi Post Office was delivering parcels.While we were waiting to go N's girl decided my hair would look better with a tufty cut so she put a few rubber bands in. I wasn't bothered so we caught a baht bus to Soi half of twelve but not before D had forgotten all the codes and said 'Are we going to Soi PostOffice? He got a mild bollocking for it.

We hit Soi 6 and I'd forgotten about my hair but I was soon reminded by the shrieks and cat calls from the entire road. We made it as far as Jack Tars without being dragged inside the dens of iniquity. I wandered across to ladies parading outside Red Point and collected another heap of phone numbers. So many I could not remember what face went with the name and number. To vary the afternoon we decided to ring one of the Red Point numbers to see what happened. Of all the numbers we chose one that was on the phone!!!!!

I was captain that afternoon so I took the team to Nevada on Soi Post Office. I heard it was a good afternoon hang out. Sadly I was misinformed so I took one for the team and paid the bin and marched the team out into the depths of the Soi. For some reason I turned left into the Pump Station. Within a very short time there was a prossesion of 5 guys and ladies going through store rooms and kitchens to get upstairs. 3 took up positions at the bar G and me sitting on the plush seats. As we waited for the milking stools, waste bins etc I started to bugger about. Miss can I open a window? No It's a bit dark in here have you got a torch? Can I keep my pants on?No Why do I have to take my shoes off for a blow job? I then told her I had farted and she should give it a minute to clear. G's lady muttered something about his friend talk too much.I could not hear exactly what she said as she was talking with her mouth full.

My mind started to wander as I didn't want the ignomy of pulling my pants up first. I listened to D's lady who was adding a sound track and special effects to his blow job with a lot of ooos,arrrrs and mmmms. She apparently is the trainer of the young girls. I felt happy for D that she was out of sight. I could never have delivered if she had been giving me the glad eye.

As it was I was 4th to finish and D was given the 2 minute warning or he would have to pay again. In the end it was a photo finish with 4 guys watching and waiting.

On our way back to refresh for the evening D and me popped into Mistys for the usual abuse from Andy. It turned out it was a party night with free booze for the customers along with the pig etc. We had eaten so we did not want to abuse the hospitality of some one we did not know so we left after one drink.

After getting changed we went to RSB and then on to FLB Hooties and Electric Blue. At 1am the mamasam came round and apologised for the night ending early and she told us the Brown shirts were on the way. 2 minutes later the music was back on and the girls back on the stage???????????

My notes say that I tried to barfine a girl with Big Noms but I can't for the life in me think who she was. She told me the red flag was flying!!!!

I then took a chance on a tiny girl with a great body at the RSB. I say take a chance because she was fresh off the farm and working only 5 days. She had already been barfined but as yet was untouched by a falang. On her first barfine she was not sure what to do and had got staright into bed with all her clothes on and gone to sleep. I had been wound up most of the evening by the girls telling me I had big power taking 2 last night. How many you take tonight Jaime. My answer was always 6.

I digress. I took the chance because G had said Noi the Mamasam had had a word with her and she now knew a little more of what she could expect.

I got back to the room and indicated we should shower together. I can say she was not over the moon with the suggstion but agreed. She took all her kit off under the towel and I stripped for action. We got into the bathroom and she switched the light off!!!!!!!!!! I put it back on. She switched it off again. I said don't be fucking stupid well kill ourselves in the dark.

We eventually got round to showering with the light on but she refused soap and my assistance. We hit the sack and I suppose we had made progress becuse she was naked under the towel. I got rid of the towel and I had a dead starfish as she laid rigid as I tried warm her up. I just gave up said fuck it and rolled over. A minute later she was out of the room. I gave it a few seconds and followed her out. She was already dressed under the towel. I gave in and got her a couple of hundred baht ready. She took the towel off and threw it at me. So that terminated my generosity. I told her to fuck off. She then had the cheek to come to grab the 200 only to be met with another 'Fuck Off'.
She wished me Chok Dee as she left.

I was too pissed and too pissed off to go out and snag another so I had a restful night.

I didn't know it but she went straight back to the bar and told her side of the story. My street cred in Pattaya shattered from two lady Jaime to Billy no girl!

Her excuse was that on the previous bar fine the bloke had bitten her and she was scared it would happen again. Had I known this I would have offered to take my teeth out. Only joking I still have my own hair and teeth.

An early night would do me good as we were off golfing with Roundy and the Roo Bar gang in the morning.

Tuesday

3 of us were up early to make the 10am start at the Roo Bar. We made the longish trip to Treasure Hills me with my new Odessey 2 ball putter purchased from Roundy. The wind was strange. Ours and that on the course. It ranged from gale to tranquil and even when we turned round it seemed to be still in our faces. G partnered John an Aussie against D and me. Yorkshire versus the world. D got pars on the first 2 holes and I couldn't hit an elephants arse with a banjo. I may have been distracted by my 13 year old caddy who I nabbed as we got off the bus. She was called Hung and had been caddying for 3 years. I introduced myself as Well Hung - If only that were true.

They came back at us and we turned one up. Fearing a major fightback D birdied 3 out 4 holes. How distressing it is to see grown men cry.

We ate at the Roo bar. Great food at great prices. Beef Stew is just the thing when it's over 30 degrees.

We went back for a power nap at the RG and the plan was to meet up between 9 and 9.30 at the RSB. I've seen this plans in action before so I met up with D to check out the mammary glands at Super Girl and Super Baby early at 8.30. A good job we did as M and N didn't arrive until 10.15 ( they had been fishing at Jomtiem). Which in the enlighted times of 1am closing doesn't give you a lot of oggling time.

I can't recall who was captain that night but first port of call was Tim's. I owed Billy 100 baht for Arsenal letting me down at Man U a couple of days before. I paid the debt with all the grace of an Englishman calling Billy a lucky bastard. A few ladys drinks and an expensive one for Tim saw us down Soi Diana and then to the Pussy Bar where I collected a lot more phone numbers including the cashier who must have had a very hard life over the last 70 years. I also got the number of the biggest tits in Thailand although her tits have not gone to seed like her face or perhaps I caught her on the wrong day after 20 or 30 short times yesterday.

Next was Soi 8 and the Blind act. I carried on for a few minutes but it's not the same as in a GoGo where you can really check if the are unloading a ladyboy on you. Shortly after giving up the act I felt a real arsehole when a lady brought round a blind man for begging purposes. Such was my guilt I took them across the Soi and bought them a meal a piece. A few more beers then back to RSB.

We devised a game a bit like gambling although we could not win. We were betting/offering cash prizes for girls to climb the pole and touch the England Flag. I didn't know it at the time but that had been done previously with the management putting baby oil on the top of the pole to make it more interesting.

There was a couple sitting next to G a falang and his Thai wife. She thought we were taking the piss out of the girls and said so. She also said to G if you are not taking the piss why don't you have a go. G said how much? 200 baht. G walked behind the bar shinned up the pole whacked the England flag and collected the 200 baht which went in the tips box. The Thai lady obviously unaware of G's previous life as Gym teacher and gymnastic expert.

We laid various bets the value relating the the ladys size and age. The hefty ones had large incentives. One girl went up with ease and collected her prize. 95% failed. Then the finger was pointed at us. M failed along with D and N. When it came to me I put on a show knowing there wasn't a hope in hell I would make it. I took the shirt off then my pants and stuck the towel which was used to wipe the pole down my undies. I stood on the side of the bar looking to leap high on the pole and made one or two swings as if I was going to launch. I realised the best thing that would happen to me would be that I crushed my nuts on the pole. So I made a feeble attempt and got my kit back on.

We felt guilty about the girl who could do it as she had pocketed a small amount early on so we upped the cash for her if she could do it 4 times. I'm glad she got the larger amount of 1000 baht. She was knackered after that.

At 5am I thought it time to hit the sack and took M a smallish you lady with a radiant smile and a set of perfect Thai teeth. What a mistake. She shagged me up hill and down dale not to mention a few bites at the height of passion. What a difference from the night before. Perhaps she was under Noi's instructions to rebuild the reputation af the RSB ladies in the sack.

In the morning I was limping and had problems with my ribs. As I gave her a big smile and some cash in the morning I pleaded with her to pick on someone her own size next time. I was well and truly fucked.


Wednesday

Today, because of the hectic pace we had over the last few days, was designated a do nothing day. After M had left I limped off to do a reccy for shopping. I ordered some DVDs on Second Road and then contemplated an oil massage. I decided that could only end in even more agony so I hobbled on to the Sportsman bar where a group of friends from the PI were over on a Visa run and having their usual Wednesday dice game. I played a couple of games mainly in the caboose but got out with the final two rolls each time.

I went back to the RG after the games conscious that last February at a similar event I was out of my skull having done an eighteen hour boozathon.
There by the pool was a wonderful sight of three zombies being waited on hand and foot by their ladies. Perhaps 5am and gallons of Tiger Beer had taken its toll. The only exception was D who had the biggest grin in Thailand. I guess his bride de jour had taken care of him beyond the manicure and pedicure.

We tried to retrace our steps of the previous night and I suddenly remembered about my baht bus ride at 5am. There were two Thai guys on board when we clambered in. Somehow one of them said he was a ladyboy and in a druken haze I said I was too. It took a while to realise what I had said and I corrected my statement to confirm I was not a ladyboy but a lesbian.

It was obvious that 3 of them were good for nothing that afternoon and the other one was in love so I buggered off to get the balance of my shopping. After visits to Made in Thailand, Mikes umpteen jewellers, side street stalls and the opticians I found myself loaded up with packages on Walking Street. I heard voices calling me and for a change it was male voices. M N and D had recovered sufficiently to be on the Tigers again. I needed no excuse and joined them. We drank a few then moved on Cedrics bar at the Thai boxing place at the start of Walking Strret. I nipped across to collect my new glasses and when I returned I tipped the young lady who had given me a neck massage with a pair of knickers.

As I got to the RG I was walking through with my bags when my favorite receptionist asked what I had bought for her. I delved into the bags and pulled out few pairs of G strings. She died of embarrassment and the waitresses died laughing.

Back at the RG 3 of the ladies had eaten. G had decided on room service so we decided to eat at Captains with Elvis entertaining us. As usual when food is mentioned two of the ladies changed their minds and joined us for a second meal although K only had an Irish Coffee!!!!!!

Elvis was crap although I got the impression he thought he was better than the original. We actually gave him a bit of help with the woe woe woe woes in Wonder of You.

We had a livener at the RSB and then moved out. D was captain for the night and he selected Classroom 2000 on Soi 2 as the intial venue. We took residence in a quiet corner to the right of the door and within seconds were each wearing a dancer. After ladies drink were purchsed M invested in some ping pong balls to throw. The management were not keen when I pulled the door curtain back and M aimed for outside. I wondered how many would run down Soi 2 in bikinis after the ping pong balls. That ploy foiled I purchased some ammo and tried to throw mine in the Gents. All good fun until G's lady was humping his leg so vigourously she knocked the beers over. Yards of toilet roll were used to mop up. I pinched a bit and stuck it down the back of my trousers trailling a white tail as we moved to the Atlantic Bar. We had had good reports so gave it a try. Sadly it failed miserably. There was some lovely eye candy but not enough to go round. Here we were 5 batchelor boys and were totally ignored. I did enjoy the view at the pool table. We only had one girl briefly come to talk to us. That was enough for the Captain to move us back to Walking Street and into the Carousel Bar. I had not got my beer yet when I spotted an ex FLB lady G (AKA the Vacuum Cleaner)on the carousel.
As in all the old films our eyes met, we waived and she continued round. When her shift finished she made a beeline to me. She gave me a cuddle and told how much she wanted to suck little Jaime again. So her memory was good but not that good. I introduced her to G and she said hello but did not recognise him. You see some time ago I barfined her and she moved straight into her specialist subject. When I wanted to move on to other things I found she had the flag flying and some weird contraption worn to keep from colouring the sheets. The following night I retold the story and got my barfine back. She claimed she had told me of her condition on the way back to the hotel. The only problem was that she told me in Thai and I didn't understand a word. G on the other hand had no such problems on a later date. She was in prime condition for a nights fettling but when she got out of the shower she covered her chest in horse linament and stunk the place out so G sacked her. I'm not one to hold a grudge and I bought her a ladies drink as she was trying to tell me all the wonderful things she would like to do for me.
We then moved on to the Blues Factory where Lam truly entertained us.
Cheeky Girls was next and the Mamasam had a word with me about Tuesday night. She passed me on her motorbike as we were walking to catch a Baht Bus with our clubs. She turned and said where you go and I replied 'to play golf in the dark'.
I had a lovely lady give me some stick because the other night I was handing out knickers and she didn't get a pair. I did the next best thing and barfined her. I said I would collect her later after we had been back to the RSB.
Whilst at Cheeky Girls I went to the toilet and a German woman advised me I had toilet paper on my bum. I said yes. She said I looked stupid and I said yes. She gave up in disgust.

Things had moved on a pace at the RSB since we were last there and many were feeling the effects of alcohol especially M's companion O. Pissed as a pudding was the general consensus. She told M she wanted another go at the pole . M assessing her capabilities as nil put 5000 baht on the successful outcome. G was not as convinced and only speculated 500. She made a good start and came to a halt about 2 feet from the top. We all anticipated a gradual slide to the bottom but she got a second wind and made it to the top and the England flag. This brought the house down. She ran round like whirling Dervish with the cash. Put 1500 in the tips box and rang the bell. What fucking girl. She could easily have pocketed the cash but no she shared out most of it. M unfortunately was so drunk later he had forgotten about it until reminded by 4 piss taking so called mates the following day.

At this point I felt the need to go to the toilet. I arrived there at the same time as Scorpion Lady from my second night 2 lady extravaganza. She made to come in the gents with me and did not expect the helping hand I gave her. Once the male toilet attendant had got over the surprise she manhandled the little jaime hose pipe. She appeared to enjoy squirting it around and then squeezing it on and off to give a few short burts. I can't recall if she washed her hands afterwards.

So that the ladies I had previously barfined did not lose face I said I was not taking a lady tonight. I pretend to go back alone (via the Cheeky Girls bar).
My bride de jour did not have a lot of confidence in me returning to collect her as she was hiding round the corner watching events at the Simon Complex and the Rolling Stone bar in particular. We went back to her bar as I had built up quite a thirst drinking all night.
Once again bollocks to the early night and we left there at 5am. Back at the room and shoeless she was tiny. So small she could not reach the towels on the rack so I had to help her get a towel and of course in the shower. They don't make diamonds big and she was a wonderful companion. I decided she was a keeper.

Thursday

We were going to go fishing today but it was a minor Buddha day and Noi said she did not want to kill anything on a Bhudda day so we planned a golfing trip to Pheonix.

I left my lady getting some well earned sleep and I left her tip under a new pair of knickers.
Whilst having breakfast there was a Thai lady dining alone as her boyfriend had gone to St Andrews to play golf. She was a very friendly girl and the night before she went out on the town with her boyfriend and she had on a mini skirt stockings and suspenders.
Her friend joined her at breakfast and I was invited to join them. Now if you were playing golf at St Andrews a question for you. Did I short time your girl and her pal??????????????

We did set off late for the course as D found it difficult to disentangle his TG again. We did a deal with a baht bus driver for 600 baht via his son. Once at the course they tried to up the ante again but as we had not paid anything we stuck to the original knowing full well he would be back for the cash at 6pm.

As we arrived at the clubhouse I picked the best looking caddy and pointed to my bag. G the bastard saw what was going on so he stood on my bag and she had to take his. Half way round he asked her if she wanted to work at RSB! My caddy was Ying and she was shy. Not a good trait when she is caddying for me.

At the 11th (Hole 2 on the Ocean Course) we had got pissed off with slow play by one Jap guy in front he was always yards behind his mates and stayed on the green practicing putts when the others were on the next tee.

This is a 340 yard hole and again he was 30yds short of the green when D plonked one off the tee 10 yards behind him. He did a marvellous impression of the Mayor of Hiroshima - What the fuck was that!!!!! It cured his tardiness and we, as usual, pissed ourselves laughing at him.

That night D and me took our ladies to Ruanne Thai and my lady proudly showed me her new underwear. We had a great meal and all the time I watched the dancers I wondered if there was a barfine? If you have never been it's worth the effort to see the waiter prepare the Irish Coffee. He reminded me of a cross between a juggler and a magician.

We then progressed to the Blues factory again where Lam finished off his set with my request of Roll Over Beethoven. No encore this time of Beethovens 5th as he has done before.

As we were watching the cultural entertainment, the other perverts N,M and G were lusting after 12 Penthouse models from Bangkok on stage and undressed at the Polo Club. Not that I cared - lucky bastards.

By some miracle we went back to the RG at 1.30 am but not to sleep.

Friday

A big day ahead golf and a double birthday celebration. Or should that read unbirthday.

I left sleeping beauty in bed with her tip under another new pair of Knickers.

I had booked minibus with my good friend Da. Who came to deliver it personally. It took the opportunity to check her marital status. I used to visit her sisters hairdressing saloon every night for a shave and shampoo (no hong nam for the third S) when I stayed at Tims. She is now married in the UK with a new baby. Anyway Da is one for the future.

We had planned for 4 to go golfing but G recruited another in the Roo Bar the previous night. When we got to Kaow Kheow I was detemined not to be shafted by G again when it came to caddy selection. I nearly broke my neck getting out of the bus to find every available caddy had been hit with the ugly stick. Undetered I selected the youngest. Fuck me she had a Trainee badge on which I hadn't noticed. Again guffaws all round when I realised my mistake. She was bloody clueless. Wandered about the course like an afternoon stroll. She had no idea where the ball had gone, had to ask for every yardage and got that wrong sometimes, she had no idea on putting lines. Consequently I putted better than I did on other days. She got worried when I picked her up to throw her in when my ball went in the blue grass on the island green hole.
Someone had beaten her to it though. A bloke was hiding under the bushes watching where our drowning balls were landing and diving for them. The bastard only got one of mine though. It was really baking hot and for three of us it was a course too many.
At the end I told my caddie that I didn't pay trainees and she nearly cried so I relented and said half money. I of course paid her in full and she smiled a smile only a 15 yearold trainee caddy could smile.

As usual we all fell asleep on the bus back. That was the required preparation because tonight it was mine and D's birthday party at RSB. N's party was so good I said I would have a party Wednesday and D Friday. We thought better of it as mine was 5 weeks off and D's 8 months. We still went ahead with a joint party. Noi asked me if it was my birthday and like a true genleman I said no it's next week but I will be in England but I want a Thai Birthday. D wasn't as quick and blurted out yes my birthday today. Unfortunately our party coincided with one at the FLB and it would have been rude to pop in to the FLB when they had worked so hard to give us a real fun time. We arrived at the bar greeted by 25 girls shaking our hands, kissing us and wishing us Happy Birthday. All was going fine, the food was great, stew, sandwiches, spring rolls, chicken legs, chicken and fruit. The beer was flowing and everyone laughing and joking. Then it happened, I got my first present, then another and another. D was getting the same treatment so shit what do I do now. I can't give them back, still they kept coming. I did the only thing I could think of. I rang the bell a real guilty ring. D did the same and the beers were pilling up. One girl N, who is still on my most wanted list, took me on one side and said sorry I can't afford to buy you a present Jaime but I have this. She gave me a postcard of Koh Samui. I have been to the island she said. She had written the most wonderful words on it. I thanked her profusely and passed the card to B to keep it safe for me. She immeadiately put it down the front of her pants. Sadly I never saw it again. Truly a wonderful example of Jai Dee. Touched again I think the bell went again.

At this stage I was wearing a pair of panties on my head that one girl had bought me,and of course the leis. The cakes came out. Union Jack icing with Noi apologising that she could not get England cakes. D's had the message Happy Birthday D, mine had Happy Birthday Crazy Jaime. They all sang Happy Birthday as we tried to blow out the trick candles. Then the ritual of getting daubed with the icing.

At this time P came to see me with her friend S from Cheeky Girls. Although P knew it wasn't our Birthdays she never let on and they even brought us a red rose each. P was all dolled up and soon joined the party atmosphere.

The evening had a bit of a sour note when D's girl saw the rose being presented to D and with a few drinks in her accused him of being unfaithful. Floods of tears and a real drama queen. It spoilt D's night. He eventually went home alone. No such early night for me. The booze was flowing an at on stage G had to send some back.

Late in the evening I asked how much my bin was. I paid a deposit with the balance promised tomorrow. It's only money and I really enjoyed spending it. Not many went home sober that night.

I eventually left at 4 am with P almost the end of another quiet relaxing day.

Saturday

Wow a lie in and a 11am breakfast with P by the pool at the RG. Gradually the partygoers ventured out into the sunlight. P nipped home to change (with another pair of undies) to get ready for the trip to Uncle Sams and it wasn't a Buddha day so Noi was OK with fish taking a last swim.

G and M had agreed to treat all the RS girls who wanted to go for the fishing trip. Not that they would fish much. More like eat drink and murder a few Thai songs at Karaoke.

The Baht bus pulled up on Walking Street and umpteen girls piled in. So many that P had to sit on my knee as did others. As usual 2nd road was busy and when we stopped at the traffic lights the noise was deafening when the girls shouted at any falang on a motorbike. The road was being repaired and bumpy as we closed in on the ponds. Every time we went over a bump I shouted 'thank you' and 'again' to the driver as P was bouncing on my knee.

Again I was the object of ridicule when we disembarked as my shorts had a wet patch where P had been perched and one on my arse as I sweated out last nights beer.

Food and booze were ordered and the singing started before a line was cast in anger. N got the first then M hooked a couple. I moved to fish near P who kept saying 'fish eat my food' every time she pulled the line in. I hooked a real rod bender which was dispatched to the deep fat fryer. About the same size as M's biggest. I quickly hooked another even bigger specimen. As I was shouting England number 2 the bugger got off and the fishing assistant said 'fish go back England' Bastard!!!!!! At least P thought it was funny. D had a bad attack of the shits and was throwing up so he went back early to die at the RG.

When we packed in our catch was already cooked and fed the girls at the bar that night.
We headed back to the RG to get changed and we had plans to go to Cabbages and Condoms. I point blank refused to eat any condoms but was happy to scoff on the cabbages.
An old mate Gwillie was in town and he came to see me and D on our last night. D got off his death bed to spend a few minutes with Gwillie. He told us he had passed out when throwing up back in the room and did not fancy food of any description. I comandered the RG bus and 11 of us went to Cabbages. The girls (not mine of course) set about filling their bags with condoms from the restaurant.
Gwillie without a lady sat at the head of the table and the girls all called him Boss.

We had a great meal with starters main course, deserts and booze with Irish Coffees to finish at 8 quid a head.(600 baht). Cracking value in a wonderful setting.

For a change we went to the RSB. Earlier that evening Noi had give me a cotton wrist band for good luck. She regretted that act when I took a couple of thousand baht off her at dice. 'Next time I give you before you get on plane'. I put 1000 in the tip box and paid the outstanding bin. I was such a good customer she let me off 200 baht. A discount of 2% over 2 days.

I packed it in reasonably early and popped back the Cheeky Girls for a swifty. Then on the RG for an early night. P put on the TV and GB were playing the Aussies at Rugby League and we were winning. Bugger the early night I roared on the Lions until the convicts robbed us with another last minute try. Bugger! What was funny was that P wanted to shout for Australia but she wanted them to be Thailand so the record books incorrectly show Australia as the winners as I know it was Thailand.

So another late night and I was up early to pack. P nipped home to get me a present she had made. She is due to go to Sweden soon and she had knitted a long wooly scarf which she gave me. Again I was touch by her generocity.

At breakfast D was delicate but OK to make the trip home.

You may have wondered why I called this trip 'My coffee gets stirred'. G's girlfriend has always added spices to his food, tasted it and given it to him, she stirs his coffee etc despite me lecturing her on William Wilberforce and the abolition of slavery. Well on this last morning I made the grade My coffee gets stirred!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just sat there and smiled.

No tears at the farewell and P was the same. I guess I wasn't the first she had waved off to the airport.
No dramas on the airport run although G sprinted with his cheeks clenched to the Hong Nam before we checked in. We were offered another flight late that night, a hotel room, 6500 baht and business Class home via Vienna but we had to decline. It would have made up for the missed day at the start. Bollocks I hate working but it is a neccessary evil to pay for trips like this.

I showed G and D where they could get a happy ending massage at the terminal but they were all dog rough and so he got D in the EVA Business Class Lounge and I paid 350 baht to get in.

On the way to the gate D got an urgent message to visit the Hong Nam so I waited for him at the Gate and he never arrived. I was in a dilema whether to check if he had keeled over in the toilets again. In the end I checked at the gate and he was on board he hadn't seen me and just boarded with the others.

A smooth flight with emergency exit seats and 8 days sleep to catch up on. We had no problems on the transfer from Heathrow and arrived home at 11.30pm. Roll on the Philippines in January and Indonesia Singapore Australia and Thailand in May.

Well done if you got this far. No photos so I guess the one handed, trousers down, lurkers were lost early in the report.

Shayman

Sounds like you had a great trip.

Do not take this personally but I'm not sure I understood a single thing you did. Written in code ?? I think you're just getting even because we won that row back in 1770's.

I think he's practicing the stream of consciousness writing style...

Khun Mor

I am sorry you did not understand my report. English is my first language. We are but 2 nations seperated by a common language as Winston Churchill once observed.
I would be happy to translate some of the phrases and paragraphs so that you in the colonies could comprehend the meanings. I have travelled many times to your Colony and I am familiar with the verbal and spelling abuse you have chosen to impose on the Queens English.

Joking apart I try not to identify people. I was with 4 friends who do not have board handles and therefore used their initials, similarly with there ladies. I do not give full details of the girls as I want to discourage the Throphy Fuck visitors who go searching for ladies the have seen or read about on the internet.

In this report I stayed at the RG (Residence Gardens in Pattaya) and drank so many times at the Rolling Stone Bar it would have given me arthritis in the fingers if I typed it in full every time so shortend it to RSB.

I'm pleased you enjoyed my report as I in turn have enjoyed reading of your adventures. I'd be delighted to buy you a pint some time if we bump into each other on our travels.

Shayman (AKA Jaime the Limey)

I'm not sure I understood all of the butchering of the President's American either, but I LOVED the report and find it very refreshing to hear from people outside of the U.S. about their hobbying activities. Of course this report confirms some observations about behaviors of non-Americans that I have witnessed in my relatively few trips to Asia: You suckers from outside the U.S. (particularly Brits and Aussies) REALLY take your drinking seriously.

Thanks for your contribution to this site.

Porker

You are a long time dead so you might as well enjoy yourself in this life. It's no good on your death bed wishing you had had a better time. I work hard and play hard.

Shayman

Shayman
I was not making any personal comments for sure. My sarcastic comment about the skirmish in the 1770's I hope delivered the mesage that I was referring to liguistics. I thoroughly enjoyed the enthusiasm reflected in your report and it is nice to see reports from nationalities other than US. Wickedwilly has held up the Anglican side of the Atlantic well but needs help. If you are anything like WW it would be a pleasure to lift a pint or three together. Look forward to being in country together some time.
I have befriended many Brits and Aussies in LOS and contrary to the experience of others on this board have found them to be a great bunch to go barhopping with. I do not pretend to be able to keep up with sucking down the ale however. I prefer to remember my experiences in the morning.

Shayman,
Nice report mate. No problems here with the language, enjoyed reading about knickers, nuts and trousers for a change. Also nice to know that some people play Golf there too.
Would like to see a few snaps next time-could always hide the face " to discourage the Throphy Fuck visitors"
regards,

CGE