Here are my bad instructions on how to get to PHG from Cologne.

1. Take the A57 towards Düsseldorf
2. Take the A44 to Krefeld-sur/Aachen
3. Follow that for about 10 km
4. Get off at AF Munchheide
5. Make a left and heads towards Kempen/Tönisvorst/Anrath
6. Follow that route for about 7.2 km
7. You should be on the Hohe Strasse, aka L361.
8. You will eventually come to a roundabout
9. Take the first exit at the roundabout and you will come to a stoplight.
10. Go straight thru the stoplight
11. Then you will be on Düsseldorfer Strasse
12. Keep heading in that direction
13. Then you will come to another roundabout that is next to a Markant gas station.
14. At this roundabout, take the third exit. I think you will be on a street called Unterschelhof
15. Make sure you exit on the street that says you are heading towards Oedt.
16. You will come to a stop sign. Go straight.
17. I think that will put you on Butzenstrasse. This is a long road and the nav system drops you off towards the beginning of the road. Follow it all the way to the end. If you get to a T intersection where Oedt is left and Kempen is right, you are right there. Before the T where you can only go right or left, there will be an industrial complex on the left. In the front is where PHG is located. It is behind some green fencing as I recall. I actually passed it the first time and went into the industrial complex and had to turn around. Don’t go straight through the wrought iron gate.


Peter had called me a few times while I was driving there and I arrived about a half hour or so before he did. After entering the building there is a bar and a main “find your chick” area directly to the right. Straight ahead is the locker room. If you walk through the locker room and come out on the other side you will come out into a huge open area. There are wood stairs on the left that lead down to a “serve yourself” bar and lounge area with an assortment of beer and drinks. This is also the area where the buffet is setup. On the right after coming out of the locker room is a tanning booth and next to that are some additional showers. Fuck rooms are basically all around. They line the hallways to get to the locker room and there are some near the “serve yourself” bar area. The vast majority of the rooms are downstairs though.

There wasn’t any porno theater and absolutely no public sex. That was the biggest drawback to the club. But the place was very nice and it had a huge selection. After entering and changing I was greeted by a Nigerian woman who spoke excellent English. She had a nice body and a decent face, but I just couldn’t get over this big space between her two front teeth. We chatted for a while and she showed me around while I waited for Peter to arrive.

I was sipping on a beer and heading towards the locker room when someone glanced at me with that “hey, are you….?” look. We had exchanged physical descriptions and we found each other pretty easily. We headed downstairs to the huge “serve yourself” bar area and chatted for about a half hour. He knew several ladies there and was waiting for this cute blonde with a tight little body. He was soon off and in the room with her.

That got me motivated to find myself a fuck buddy so I headed over to the main bar area by the front of the club and soon found a cute little 20 year German from Cologne named Eve. We chatted for a bit and it wasn’t long before we were in the room and my dick was in her mouth. She actually gave a really nice BBBJ so I let her continue for about half of our session time.

We ended up fucking for a good 20 minutes after that as well and then she just wanted to kick back, smoke and talk politics. She said was from Cologne, but didn’t want to work close to home because she was afraid people would see her car at the club and then later parked at her house. She was afraid of picking up a stalker. It was something about a “K” being on the license plate so she wanted to work a little further away from where she lived.

She of course didn’t like Bush. I asked her why and she replied that he “liked to make war.” I thought it was interesting. I heard that exact saying or something similar to it several times on the trip. I think it is probably an oversimplification of the issues involved and their opinions probably cannot be expressed thoroughly due to limited English, but it was still interesting to hear the perception of Bush abroad. Of course, the “make war” issue itself is way down in importance on my personal list of reasons why I don’t like Bush.

She was a great session though. We ended up chatting another 10 minutes or so after we finished. She was a very sweet lady.

I went out and looked for Peter and could not find him so I assumed he had another lady already. So I sat out to find mine and chose Carmen from the Czech Republic. We got to the room and as I was about to go down on her I noticed some bumps on the inside of her pussy lips. I originally thought it was herpes, but now as I think back I am not so sure. Regardless, with her bumps I wasn’t about to be licking pussy or fucking her so I got dressed and headed out of the there. She said she was going to the doctor in a few days.

I met up with Peter later and told him about the experience. I guess he went and told management. I almost kind of feel bad now, because I am not as sure as I was at the time that it was herpes. And after Peter told management, they did take her out of rotation. She was just getting ready to go fuck another guy when a lady grabbed her by the hand and led her back to the changing room.

After that experience I was itching badly for another session. There was a cute blond that I met. Andrea was 27 and from Hungary. I didn’t think she was that old, but thought she was very cute. She had fake boobs, but a nice body overall. I don’t remember too much about the session, but it was decent overall. I think the BBBJ could have been a little better, but I was still happy.

Somewhere around this time Peter took off. I don’t remember the specifics behind his reason, but we agreed to meet again the following day and hit Goldentime. It wasn’t much longer before I was on the prowl again. That is when I met Anya. Anya was a tall, gorgeous blond from Germany. I didn’t get her age, but she was a bombshell. She was just a beautiful, beautiful lady. We chatted briefly in the bar before we headed to a room.

Things could not have started off better. She gave a great and enthusiastic BBBJ and I pulled her around in 69 and started providing her with a bit of DATY. She then sat up on my face and started rubbing her pussy all over my mouth and tongue before heading back down for some more BBBJ action. Then after about 5-10 minutes into the fuck session things REALLY started going downhill fast.

I had at LEAST 10 minutes left in the session when she started to complain that 50 Euros for fucking her for an entire half hour was no good. I needed to finish, blah, blah, blah. I originally thought she was trying to up sell me, but she just wanted the session over with. Then she started saying if every customer she had was like me she wouldn’t be able to work because she would be too tired and exhausted. Again, blah, blah, blah. She was really getting pissed, which originally just took me completely by surprise and caught me off guard.

As she continued to complain and get even bitchier about the session, I got more and more pissed off myself. This had the opposite effect of what she wanted – for me to come faster – so I ended up grudge fucking her for the final ten minutes all the while trying to tune out her bitchy attitude.

After I popped we were literally yelling at each other down the hall and into the locker room so I could pay her. I think I broke out with something like, “Yes. How dare I actually want to use the ENTIRE half hour that I paid for.” Then she went back into her standard line about me fucking too much and her only getting 50 Euros, etc.

That was bad. I needed to calm down a bit so I went downstairs and grabbed a beer or three. It was a while before I went on the prowl again. Patricia, the chick from Nigeria kept following me around and every time she saw me she wanted to fuck. I still couldn’t get over her messed up teeth gap though.

But later in the evening I did meet a different black lady that I wanted to fuck. Lisa was 24 and from Cameroon. She was standing with several other black ladies in the back of the bar. While I was speaking with Lisa, Patricia was shooting darts out of her eyes at me. But unlike Patricia, Lisa was beautiful. She had an incredible body and a really attractive face with long dark hair.

Lisa had some REALLY nice BBBJ skills and this session was easily the best of the day, probably slightly surpassing my first session with Eve which was quite good. We chatted for a bit afterwards and she told me how she met her now divorced German husband.

I guess it was something about her lying on the beach and sunbathing in Cameroon when she was 18 and she got approached by a German tourist. He immediately fell in love with her and he brought her to Germany for marriage. She actually claimed to of had a better body when she was 18, which I find hard to believe because her body was simply immaculate.

Later in the evening I started noticing a Latina looking woman with this big, bubble J-Lo butt and a cute G-string riding up her ass. I had been watching her on and off and passing her in the hallways most of the night, but finally decided to start a conversation with her. Her name was Sophia and she was 23. When she said she was from Tunisia she immediately had me, much like the Iranian at Oase did. I just had to add an Arab to the list.

The BBBJ was a little short, but she made up for it with her clenching pussy control muscles which felt fantastic! After I finished I even stuck it back it a few times just to have her clench her muscles around my dick a little more. Luckily she was quite cooperative and got a kick out of my fascination with it. She of course wanted to talk about Bush, but I decided to just nod my head and avoid talking Bush and politics with her.

I debated if I wanted to do a sixth lady that night. It was getting late and the selection seemed to be dwindling down a bit. I kicked back until I spotted Bianca, 25, from Poland. It was not long before I had her head bobbing up and down and polishing my knob. This was a pretty good session. I think we went slightly over allotted time, but she was very accommodating and a good fuck.

With the exception of Anya and pussy bumped Carmen, I had a positive opinion about Planet Happy Garden. The best part of the place is selection. They had a really nice lineup. The downstairs “serve yourself” bar area is very plush and nice as well. But as I mentioned earlier, there was no public sex and no porno theater, which I was really becoming accustomed to and starting to enjoy on this trip.

I did have one of the worst sessions of my life with Anya and the whole STD thing was quite disconcerting. But PHG is probably worth a look.

The reason I left was because I was trying out a swingerclub for the first time in my life.

It was also the last time in my life. I have never had a worse sexual experience. I spent 1.5 hours in the room with Laura on that night, and if I remember correctly I went with another lovely lady on that night, and there were at least 3 others I wanted to do.

When I went a week later with LAGUY I had trouble finding a second girl. It varies day to day.

That's right! Now I remember.

It was too bad you bugged out of PHG to hit that place and then had such a bad experience there. I remember you being really excited about the possibilities there.

Xeno: Interesting report; sorry I missed you by about a week.

I don't have much to add about PHG. For those who are familiar with Brazil, it reminded me of a Sao Paulo club, although was perhaps a bit less lively. An enjoyable place, although during my brief visit to Germany I found I liked the one FKK I visited, Schieferhof, also known as Bernd's Saunaclub, more owing to the naked factor, the couch action, and the impeccable service. Not to say the service was bad at PHG though.