I don’t know how these things happen, but somehow by a strange fortuity a few months ago I found myself in Brno, Czech Republic on a Thursday night, gangbang night at the local swing club. I decided to Czech it out.

Before getting into the details there is, however, one thing I would like to mention as a matter of personal privilege. I have noticed a disturbing trend whereby many are using this board as an outlet for immature desires to try to write hardcore pornography, or some reasonable facsimile. These lowlifes detract from the essential purpose of the board, to provide useful and reliable information about the sex scene worldwide. Who cares how many thrusts an hombre manages during a session, or the degree of wetness of a provider’s pussy, or what her facial expressions look like while taking the “big one”? What are we all descending into? Frankly, I find this trend towards hard-core pornography troubling to say the least, and I only hope and pray it goes no further, both for the reputation of the Club Hombre site and the mental health of its members.

Well, I am glad I finally got that one off my chest. Okay . . . .

So, anyway, the evening begins with a telephone call to the club, which other than on Thursdays operates as a swing club for couples only. I telephone the club (telephone number is 420777092227; when I find it I’ll try to provide an address) and speak to a women who after telling me she doesn’t speak English, explains the deal to me in, yes you guessed it, English. On Thursdays the club opens around 7 p.m. and closes at midnight. The cost is 2500 Czech thingamajiggers (somewhere around $100 U.S.). There is a lame buffet (not her words) and drinks are extra, but reasonably priced (which I later confirm). You can pop as many times as you can stand (see below).

I show up around 7:30 p.m. (reservations are supposedly required) and the first challenge is figuring out where the front door is. After a few befuddled minutes, I determine it is in the back of the building; you go up the stairs to the back (where you will then be outside), make a left and then knock on the last door to your left.

Not much to look at when I arrive. Maybe five girls, including the bartender, and the same number of men. Nothing seems to be happening although a few are eating from the buffet. None of the girls, other than the bartender, speak a word of English, a bit of a problem. After sitting there for some time, I get around to asking the bartender girl (who is the wife of the owner, as I understand things) to show me around. She gives me a look but after it is established I just wanted a tour from her, not a fuck, she obliges. In the back area there are two rooms, one with a very large bed and the other with two large beds. Also a bathroom with a shower. Around 8 p.m. though there is nothing going on in any of the back rooms. Incidentally, I have sometimes heard the place referred to as a gangbang club; other times simply as a sort of swingers club that lets in men on Thursdays only. To this day, I am not sure which is the more accurate description, see below.

Returning to the front of the club, the bar area, I note only two girls who look mildly worthwhile: the girl running the bar (maybe a six), and another girl who stayed in the bar area the entire evening, without going in the back as far as I could tell (after observing the scene for awhile, I concluded she might have been a less than enthusiastic girlfriend of one of the men visiting the club; he kept going back to her to talk to her although I never saw her get involved in any action).

At this point the only available girls were in the 3 - 5 range, less than desirable. Well, given that it is the Czech Republic where the clubs tend to be expensive, and every extra is extra (including DFK and BBBJ), I wasn’t that surprised given the relatively low cost of the place and the fact there were no extra charges for extras. Since I had already paid the entry fee though, and didn’t really know the Brno scene well enough to try to find another club, I decided to make the best of a decidedly mediocre situation. So, I approached one of the remaining girls and somehow managed to coax her into one of the two bedrooms. Despite that she was probably a 5 at best (or perhaps because of it) she gave a very enthusiastic session including DFK, BBBJ, and so forth. No gangbang though as we were the only ones in the back at that point. Overall, not a terrible session but based on looks not one I would return for.

Returning to the bar area, I hung out awhile and found that a few of the men could speak broken English, but not much more. As the night progressed, some of the men hit the back room, each with a girl. While the dress usually was a wrap-around towel, with a few men remaining in street clothes, there was one guy from Slovakia, on some sort of business trip to Brno, who had a salami the size of a salami, and paraded around nude all evening apparently just to humiliate the rest of us. I will refer to him as “Slovakia-salami guy.” Hopefully, he is not a member of Club Hombre but in any event I don’t think the personal details about him that I reveal betray the rules for this community.

Having already done the arguable 5, I now had the problem that the other arguable 5 was being monopolized by one guy, and all that was left and available was a candidate for the Browning movie Freaks. Well, maybe not that bad but there was a distinct similarity between her and some of the pinheads that populated the movie. Looked like it was time to test my limits. Having on a previous occasion done a midget in Japan, I decided I would descend one step lower and do a freak (actually, I am exaggerating a bit here; she was a solid “3.”). So back to the backroom, and a session that to this day continues to create a mild feeling of nausea whenever I think about it. And still no gangbang as all the action I had seen to this point was one-on-one.

Around 10:45 I began thinking about leaving; this just wasn’t worth my time and maybe if I left quickly enough there was a chance I could just forget the whole experience and be done with it.

But no! Suddenly, a new girl shows up. Wow. A model figure, and a pretty face. A SOLID eight. At this point, Mr. Woody began to live up to his name. But there was a problem. The Slovakia-salami guy grabbed her and began talking to her at HIS table. Damnit! So, here I am, drooling over this new addition to the line-up, when all of a sudden (in the bar area) Ms. Model stands up, and takes off all her clothes, revealing a perfectly formed ass right in front of my eyes, as in a few feet from my eyes. She leaves for a few moments (maybe to a rest room, I’m not sure), and then comes back into the bar area, where she picks up Slovakia-salami guy and then moves to the back room. I sulk for about five minutes.

Up to this point, every time I went into the back room area, all I saw was man on women fucking. No group sex, gangbangs, or what have you. What should I do? Go back there to continue sulking while watching Slovakia-salami guy and Ms. Model go at it? How depressing. But the thought of leaving while I knew Ms. Model was on the premises in her birthday suit didn’t seem like a good option either. So, hesitantly, I moved to the back room to take my medicine.

As I entered the room, I saw an amazing sight. Not only was Slovakia-salami guy with Ms. Model, but so too were two other guys. One was fucking, another getting blown, and the third doing some groping. Hmmm. This could be interesting.

But there were two potential problems. First, it should be noted in pre-Guiliani New York (aka the pre-fascist era) I visited a supposed swingers’ club named Acquiesce (or something like that). The deal was you paid around $100, and so long as you could avoid the trannies that somehow made there way in there, you could stay for perhaps 3 hours and do a couple of girls. I had my first gang-bang opportunity there, and failed the test miserably, as Mr. Woody gone limpy will attest. Perhaps it was that I had just done another girl maybe 20 minutes earlier, or maybe it was a self-conscious streak; I really don’t know. In any event, it left a scar on my psyche that I was afraid might never heal. Would I now be able to perform in a gangbang situation in Brno, or would the scar of Acquiesce be with me forever? Compounding the problem was the knowledge that I would now have to perform in front of Mr. Slovakia Salami himself, no undaunting task given the immensity of his member and the potential belittlement this would entail. Would I take the risk of further psyche damage for the cheap thrill of participating in a gangbang? Or would I descend into wallowing self-consciousness, reinforced by the ghosts of Acquiesce past?

All of a sudden I had a brilliant insight. These fuckers couldn't even speak English. What did I have to be self-conscious about? They were the ones who should be damn self-conscious.

With this knowledge, I felt liberated and any tinge of self-consciousness disappeared. Suddenly, my member stood at attention, ready to go. I inched closer to Ms. Model. As I did so, I noticed Mr. Slovakia Salami pumping her in and out. Just as suddenly as my earlier revelation about the language-deficient specimens that surrounded me, I noticed Mr. Salami’s salami was about the same size erect as flaccid. HAHAHAHAHA! Mr. Salami wasn’t such a big man after all! Things were going well.

I asked whether I could join, and the guy who had apparently brought his girlfriend for backup waved me over, apparently using hand signals to cover up his deficient English language skills. I proceeded to approach Ms. Model from her left side, while she was being fucked from behind and giving a blow job off to the side, and I began to fondle her left breast. With each stroke of her pert nipple, I could feel it getting harder and harder. And at the same time her nipple was getting erect as well. After a couple of minutes I somehow managed to get in front of Ms. Model (who was still in the doggy position) and got in a minute or so of DFKing after which I laid down on my back in front of her while she began sucking on my throbbing member while still being fucked from behind. As her head bobbed up and down, taking in the whole shaft, or at least, most of it, I was just hoping she wasn’t going to crush my member with her pile-driving-like head movements. This was one hell of an enthusiastic Ms. Model, if I may say so myself.

Well, Mr. Woody was living up to his name, but wanted some more variety. Time for a switcheroo. Next thing I knew I was pumping Ms. Model’s well-lubricated pussy from behind, while she was providing choice audio enhancements (aka moans and groans). What was she thinking?: “Is that a schlongle in my falangle, or are you just hoppy to see me?” I will never know. But I had cum twice before meeting Ms. Model, and I had to do some quick thinking. To expunge the scars of Acquiesce past, I knew nothing short of another cum would work. But this doggy fucking thing, while fun, just wasn’t going to do it. I would somehow have to get this guy’s cock out of her mouth so I could flip her over and get her in the position of last resort when nothing else worked: the “on-her-back-with-her-legs-close-together-to-allow-maximal-pleasurable-ball-slapping-against-her-legs- and-pussy-area-stimulation,” position. After succeeding in my efforts to get this position change, the thought occurred to me that another round of DFK might help things along. One problem though. I noticed this guy’s thick throbbing member was pumping her mouth, and it didn’t take me long to decide I wasn’t going there. There would be nothing as subtle as DFKing to move this thing along: it would have to be go as fast as you can, and just hope the thing pops. Finally, the pressure built up to the point where I let out a loud groan, one that in volume dwarfed Howard Dean’s memorable scream by a long shot. The demon’s had been expunged.

So, what have we learned here? Well, it is possible with a little persistence to get over even the most psychically scarring traumas, even if they involve Mr. Woody going limpy during a gangbang and even if you find yourself in a boondocky place like Brno, Czech Republic. So, while I wouldn’t necessarily recommend gangbang night in Brno for reliable fun (I don’t know if Ms. Model is a regular), it can prove therapeutic under the right circumstances.

Now, do any of you have any suggestions about how I can get over this feeling of mild nausea every time I think of my earlier encounter with the freak? If you do, I would really really appreciate it?

Nice satirical foreshadowing.

I dont know, but that post surely sounded like a bad attempt at porno writing...

Excellent writing, LAguy, thanks.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the best way to get the encounter with the freak off your mind would be to think about DFK-ing the model right after she was sucking off another guy. You basically gave a 2nd degree blowjob :D

Dood:

While I applaud your creativity, a 2nd degree blowjob is nothing compared to the humiliation and feeling of nausea I have about doing the pinhead freak. Someone is going to have to do better if I am going to overcome this latest crisis.

Wow.. she really must have been bad if the thought of another man's cock in your mouth won't erase it.. I mean, at least in rio they brush their teeth and use mouthwash between dicks.. (most of the time anyway)

I doubt the pinhead freak ever brushed her teeth or used mouthwash, let alone between dicks. Out of consideration for the Club Hombre community, I did not include these details in my initial report.

On the other hand, anyone here who is afraid of 2nd degree blowjobs (in sharp contrast to 1st degree blowjobs) is probably in the wrong business.

I tried to find the address of the place I describe above, but I can't seem to find it. I have their website however, www.tonight.cz/eparty/, although it is in Czech so there is not that much that is understandable there other than their telephone number and confirmation of the 2,500 Kc price.

I should add that while I obviously took a bit of literary license with respect to my account of what I was thinking during my visit, etc., other than that the above account actually is rather accurate, even the blow by blows, so to speak. I would definitely consider going back (if I were in the area) if I knew Ms. Model was going to be there. Otherwise, I might try to find some other places in Brno, which apparently has alot of clubs. I stopped in Brno as an intermediate stop between Prague and Vienna while traveling by rail. Actually, not a bad place for a day or so to break up the trip notwithstanding my characterization above of it as a bit boondocky..

Laughed so hard Damn near wet myself! You are a gutsy dude, LA!

Liked your report.

For privates in Brno, check this out :
http://www.sexprivat.cz

Zimroel: Thanks for the website. Any chance any of the girls speak enough English to get a session rolling (like, where is your apartment, how much does it cost, are you available now, etc.?)

I was in Prague for some disappointing mongering a few years back, but I've heard there is a rather notorious town near the German border where there are a number of whorehouses. Obviously, the houses cater to the Germans, but there are also supposed to be women standing along the highway near the border looking for business, as well.

I found Prague disappointing too, at least from the mongering standpoint (great city otherwise). As to the brothels near the German border, that situation apparently has changed considerably with the Czech Republic's entry into the European Union. There apparently are still some houses, and a few women along the highway, but much less than before, or so I have heard.

Way too much CBJ! Go FKKing to Germany instead!

CGJ's are bad, but even worse is when DFKing is on the menu for an additional 500 Kc (maybe US $20 -$25), as is the case at K5 in Prague. That is when I start thinking Brazil real quick, although I have nothing against FKKing in Germany. Also, Ms. Model was rather accommodating in the BJ department, unlike her Prague counterparts.

By the way, guess where I am today, through another one of those strange coincidences?

LAguy aka SPguy

(Message edited by LAguy on March 19, 2005)

Friggin' damn typo! I meant CBJ's are bad. And I didn't even catch it when I edited the message earlier. Sheeeesh.