Wednesday

No problems with flights from Hervey Bay- Brisbane - Sydney. I had well over an hour to get from the domestic terminal to the international one. I found the bus connection and read the notice. Every 20 minutes after 12 noon. I must have just missed a connection. By the time we got to the terminal I knew I was cutting it fine. I was on BA and by the time I joined the queue I heard the annoncement 'The Bangkok fight now closed'. I made my presence felt and fortunately they re opened it for me. No other traumas except my special meal was not on board. I filled out the forms of complaint and later got a letter saying they were posting 400 miles on my FF. No explanation. I also filled out a forward meal request which they rejected as it was for Qantas. I only realised later it was a BA code share with Qantas and the same continuation from BKK for my flight a week later.

No traumas at BKK and even my luggage made it. Taxi to the Royal Benja and a nice room on the 23rd floor. At checkin the guy asked where my wife was as I had a double room pre booked. I politely explained I hadn't met her yet. I hit a few bars and Nana Hotel before selecting a 22 year old from the Nana car park. She said we should go to a short time place at 300 baht because my hotel would charge 500 joiner fee. At the hotel they wanted to charge the fee but I explained this was my wife, I had a double room! The receptionist asked me to confirm I would not have any other lady. No says I (I'm only here for another 7 hours I muttered). No problem. I had a good time emptying my sacks and settled to watch the European Cup Final. I gave up after Liverpool were 2 down and started to doze. I heared the third go in and the half time chat. I was almost comatosed when the Reds pulled one back so I sat up and watched until 5 am. At 7 am T woke me for round 2 and she then left to open the saloon at nine. Which seemed strange as she said she worked in karaoke place the night before. I just love it when they say 'singasong'.

Thursday

The guy on the tour desk rapidly reduced his prices and I paid 1500 for a taxi to Pattaya including tolls.

I booked in early at the Sabai Lodge and had lunch at the Welkom Inn. I popped back later and took S for a short time back in my room.

I headed down to the Rolling Stone Bar to meet G and was deafened by the screams of the bar girls. It was only six weeks since I was there and they had 10 new ladies. I explained I would test as many as possible in the next 10 nights. As I was sitting there a girl from 2 trips prevous tapped me on the shoulder and thought her luck was in. That night I went with G to Roo Bar Living Dolls Showcase. I ended up taking a girl from my last trip who now decided I did not 'min'. I had an OK time once I diverted her attention by switching off the TV.

Friday

She didn't want breakfast or indeed the mans breakfast so I went across to the Welkom Inn for breakfast to be observed by the short time vultures who were either eating or slapping on the make up. I suppose as they saw me ST yesterday they knew I was fair game.

I checked out a few hotels and selected Flipper on Soi 8 as my next home. I then made my way to Jomtiem Fishing park where for the second time I fed the fish and watched others catch them. I buggered off to meet G not having so much as a bite. We went to Carrefour for some shopping.

My plan was to go back to see a girl from my last trip for my last few days. I took a few detours but I was foiled by the bamboo telegraph. As I walked back down Walking Street I was spotted by the mamasam and by my lovely lady. Mummy even described what I was wearing yesterday when I was spotted. I promised to return which I duly did and paid the BF. We went to Nang Nual and the Hard Rock Cafe before heading back to the Sabai Lodge.

I once again had a great time and resolved she was the best thing since sliced bread.

Saturday

I moved to Flipper and booked her in at the same time so she could come and go as she pleased whilst I was out golfing etc. Went off to the Pig and Whistle for breakfast. We met up with G and Noi and set off to see the Ladyboy Fortune Teller that Noi consults. He was spot on with his readings for Rolling Stone Bar and they had a new bar in the offing (3 to be precise) at the soon to be built Covent Garden Complex. We were banned from the consultation so G got his hair cut and I lusted after a young lady in the hairdressers. After a beer we went to Carrefour where I bought my lady a couple of pairs of shoes.

At the checkout a mother was buying her son a bike. He got really upset when I asked if I could have a ride on it. On the way back I ordered half a dozen shirts at my tailors!

Having talked to my girl she said she could not remember the last time she went home to see the family. I resolved that if I could get flights we would have a couple of days in the sticks.

That night we went to see Lam Morrison up to 1 am and then to Soi 8 for a beer and some bugs for supper.

Sunday

The plan was to got to the Islands but someone in the party of two said she didn't like boats and would be ill. So plan B came into play. We went shopping for shirts (this time ready made), booked taxis for BKK airport trips and a case for my girl.

In the afternoon we went to the fishing park again, determined to break my duck. I did this big style catching 5 and losing 2 , she caught 4 and lost 3 all with the one rod. Here was a 45 kilo lady catching a 17 kilo fish. The assistant had to hold one end for the photo. So for the rest of the week she was No1 Big Fish Lady and No1 small fish lady having caught a tiddler about half a kilo.

That night I got drunk and ended up buying a disposable razor and shaving no end of stubbly pussies in a GoGo. I even did a Brazillian when one girl pulled her panties tight and I shaved down the outside of them.

Monday

We had planned to golf with Roundy from the Roo bar but they threw in the towel saying it was too hot. As we had only a short time in town we still went to Phoenix. They were right it was absolutely baking when we played the first but then it clouded over and we were fairly comfortable in the heat.

When I got back to Flipper she was waiting for me. She had used room service but had paid for it herself! My kind of girl. A few beers and an early night.

Tuesday

The taxi came early (I recommend Da who sits outside the saloon just down the road from Tims - great service and prices for golf/airport trips etc). My girl slept most of the way to BKK but when we got there she told me the driver was a bad man as he had been ordering Yabba over the phone.

I shelled out 1200 extra each for Business Class and went to the lounge and got stuck into the snacks and booze. I realised I knew bugger all about Udon Thani our destination and less still about possible hotels. The internet helped and she got excited when she found her home town on the map. I decided to return the compliment and search for photos of Halifax. I got an aerial photo of the Shay (my teams football pitch on screen) - she pointed to it and asked if it was a farm. Sometimes I wish it was!!!!!!

The flight was good. She scare, not look. When she did she was nearly hanging out of the window for a better view. We arranged for the top hotel in Udon Thani (1400 baht)as she said her local hotel didn't cater for farang food. That night we went out and got some pork steaks at a bar run by a Geordie and a few beers most memorably at Mr Tangs.

Even more memorably I introduced her to delights of a hot bath and she took 3 in the 2 nights we stopped there.

Wednesday

The next morning we were off in a samlor which took us to the taxi (baht bus type). She tipped this bloke 100 baht and he went and bought beer including one for me. Little did I know he was our driver!!!!! Umpteen bodies were shoe horned on with various boxes and sacks. I was tempted to rest my feet on the sack in front of me but she told me it was full of frogs. One hour and twenty minutes later we were dropped off at her front door (30 baht each) Wrong expression really as her home had no front door or furniture or beds or electricity come to that. It reminded me of Macbeth and the witches as 3 old ladies and her Auntie were looking after her baby sister. I later found out the one spitting out the juice was her grannie!

She jumped on her motor cycle and went to get her child and her nephew from school and left me with the coven. The nosey buggers opened the bags and presents she had bought!!!!! before she came back. The teddy bear, Transformer Truck and baby milk powder were well received. We later moved to the corner shop and I was told the owner was a rich lady as she also had a farm.

That afternoon we went to the dinasaur park and called at a road side cafe on the way back. 1 Chicken 6 boiled eggs and drinks tipped the scales at 140 baht. We then hike down a steep path for a swim at the waterfalls only to find a dry river bed and 10,000 hungry mossies.

We stayed at the house until Dad came home from work and as the last taxi had left 3 hours ago she arranged for us to go back to Udon Thani on motorcyles. 5 minutes down the road my hat blew off but my pilot failed the English Oral test and sped on. I assumed my girl would collect it but a minute later 3 girl guides wedged on a bike drew level with us and passed my hat back. My girl caught up some time later as she had forgotten her shoes!

By the time I got to Udon my bum felt as though I had entertained several Ladyboys. It was later explained the taxi driver wanted 500 baht to take us back out of hours. I would have gladly paid the 500 but never got the opportunity.

After another bath we out for a pizza and booked seats for the late performance of Star Wars 3. Honeymoon seats at 100 baht each! Only 6 in the cinema but on our row was a falang with his boyfriend! I concentrated on the film.

Thursday

I had breakfast and then wandered round. Got myself a shave and a massage whilst sleeping beauty slept! (Shave 80 baht Massage 150)
We caught the hotel shuttle to the airport and I splashed out on Business Class again. Big mistake - no lounge and I got a voucher for a beer instead! The taxi was waiting and we made Pattaya in 1 hour 50 min. That night I went out with G to the revolving bar then Super Girl or Super Baby. I can't recall which but you will know which one if you see number 16 as she is a perfect specimen. We had good fun in Carousel but got pissed off in Nuis 2 when the mummy pushed us for ladies drinks. We ended up in another GoGo where I shaved pussies, rang the bell (2500 baht) had girls picking 100 bahts from bottles and an upside down smoker. Mummy also said she could fire darts as well. Another quiet night was finished off at the RSB.

Friday

We were up and off for a game of golf with Bob and C from the Roo Bar. We played the Eastern Star. Nothing of note except my buggie mate got the monk on with his caddy and walked for 3 holes until she headed for the Clubhouse. I tipped her 100 baht as she was unlikely to get one from him. He blamed her for not pointing out OBs and water before he hit his ball there. Please note the fairways were usually clearly visible. The caddymaster brought him a replacement who was so big you would not want to fall out with her.

My notes finish at this point. I can recall we went out to an Italian Restaurant near the Simon Complex which was good value. I think we had an early night.

Saturday

Did all the usual things, laundry etc. The taxi was early and BA again had no special meal for me! I ordered it at the Business Class Lounge and everything was sorted out.

Jaime

Dear Shayman - fantatsic narrative, I felt like I was reading a turn-of-the century travel log. You are an adventurous brother, good on you for trekking up to the province!