I was down several weeks ago, and neglected to post a report, in part because what happened was so weird.

Hit Nogales about 2 p.m. and wandered around a bit. I really do enjoy the city there in addition to the mongering. Grabbed the business cards from a few hotels and generally had a grand old time doing nothing.

Crossed over the tracks and went to Cherries. I like my women small, and everyone there was either huge or had huge tits, plus it was smokey as all hell. I forced myself to put up with it for about an hour or so (the sacrifices we make in the name of mongering) and decided to take a walk.

I crossed back over to the tourist side and took a leisurely stroll up Obregon, moving away from teh border. I played with the merchants and got up almost to the street where the Owl bar is, and made eye contact with this lovely chica. Maybe 5'2", wearing a good quality leather coat. She had appropriate makeup and was wearing jeans. She was definitely not a street girl.

Now, since I'm an old fart, and most people think I am harmless, I smiled. I've learned that when you smile at people, if they don't perceive you to be a threat, they generally smile back. so I smile at women a lot becasue I like it when they smile back before moving on. I have no illusions about my ability to meet women. My best pickup line died sometime in 1973, and things have gone downhill since then. Still, I smile.

Well, this time, when I smiled, she started chattering in nonstop Spanish. Since the only Spanish I know is limited to the Taco Bell menu, I knew I was in trouble, so I smiled again and mumbled something like "no hable espanol". I might have said "your mother is dead" but she smiled, made a drinking motion, said what sounded like Tecate and shrugged.

OK, I smiled again and said Tecate, and she nodded her head. I pointed to the Owl bar and said "no gringos" and she shook her head. We walked toward the border and I pointed out every legitimate bar, but she shook her head at each one, a few times sticking her head inside.

Well, we wandered around some more, I picked up a few more words of Spanish, and we walked past Obsessions. i made a drinking gesture, said "chicas" and pantomined a stiptease (quit laughing, this is a serious report). Her eyes got all big and she headed for the door, but they were closed. (more)

Well, it was still daylight, I had nothing better to do, so I steered her across the tracks, repeating the pantomine several times. She seemed game....

I took her into Cherries and the dickheads made me pay a cover charge for her. Pissed me off. so I got her a beer and had my usual (ever try to explain, in Cherries, that one is diabetic and cannot drink, using sign language? It wasn't pretty).

Sooo, she kept scoping out the action in the back corner of the room, talking to me in 100 MPH Spanish and having long conversations with the waiters and pimps. She also downed beers faster than I could down "aqua mineral." We were there for at lest 45 minutes, and during that time only one dancer came on stage. She kept asking where the women were (I think that is what she was asking) and I pantomined sleeping. Now, i know this sounds like a disaster, but I was having a blast.

Finally, I grabbed her hand and dragged her out of there, we walked up to Lord Black, which was open by then, and we went in (only after she had a long chat with the doorman). They were open, but not doing anything yet, she chugged a couple of more beers and when the first dancer completed her set, she pulled me out of there. We walked up to Placers, she stuck her head in and didn't like what we saw, so I took her over to Lipsticks.

Major conversation with the doormen, with me just standing there, behind her, with my arms around her waist, nodding my head like I had a clue.

We went in, sat upstairs against the rail, she went to work on the beer and we waited for the first dancer. At some point we began making out, which was cool and we watched the first few dancers but she got restless again.

So we headed on out, by now she was half in the bag, but she heard the music at Ferni's and wanted to go in. I tried to indicated that it was a dirty club, be she wanted to go. So we went. I was definitely in control (not!)

We went in, ordered our drinks, and a dancer started right away. After she did her first number, I handed this girl a dollar and indicated she should go up there.

She damned near climbed on stage to give the tip, and grabbed a huge handful of tit. Came back to the table, squeezed my crotch, and went back to work on her beer. Good thing I spoke no Spanish because there was absolutely nothing that I could say.

Next song came and I handed her another bill. This time she actually climbed up on the stage, began mauling the dancer (to the major amusement of the other dancers and hostesses) and then came back to the table, gave me the old crotch action again, and went back to work on her beer.

After the dancer finished, they started playing some kick ass music and this chick gets up and starts frantically dancing in the aisle. after about 3 minutes, one of the bouncers comes up to her and starts to speak to her in Spanish. He looked pissed, and she looked like she was not going to cooperate. a second bouncer came, and between the two of them, they got her calmed down.

I could see nothing but trouble coming, so I stood up, dropped a tip on the table, never said a word to anyone, nodded to the bouncers, put my hands on her shoulders and steered her to the stairs. On our way down, the Nogales Police were coming up.

I led her straight out to the main street, and across the tracks. She was totally bombed.

I walked her towards Calle Obregon, and when we got real close she asked me where my hotel was (OK, I know a bit more Spanish than I let on).

I looked her in the eye and said "no Hotel" made the universal gesture for driving, and said "adios" turned and walked back to the border.

I have never in my life gotten enough pussy that I would turn it down -- hell, I'mm usually drooling and panting at even the thought of it -- but this rapidly because too much of a hassle.

Hell of a way to kill an evening....

What a great report. Thanks, Diabetic. It was amusing and it sounded like a fun evening.

Do you think you'll ever be able to find this girl again? Weren't you tempted to stay and get a hotel?

Sounds like a lot of the times I have had with American girls I have dated/"hooked up with", mostly strippers. At some point, it becomes more hassle than the sex will be worth. However, I have to admit that when she was already asking about the hotel, I would have bet that the worst was already over and gone for it. Oh well, as you said, it was an interesting way to kill an evening.

Brother D,
You had you a CRAZY girl, dude! They are a handful, and yes eventually become more trouble than they're worth, but GOT-DAMN they can be a good time while the ride lasts! Last time I was in TJ, I hooked up wit one of these insane girls--I knew her before from Hotel Caesar's, then saw her again at Penthouse. Long story short, she came home with me that night, fucked my brains out, then next day we went out drinkin' and dancin', startin' at about noon, straight through till 2 or 3 a.m. By about 8, she was BLITZED--tryin' to take her (and MY) clothes off while dancin' in Revo clubs, bein' as nasty as you can imagine, tellin' me she wanted us to get an apt. in TJ together so we could do this ALL THE TIME, had to carry her around to the last 3 or 4 stops of the night (no small feat, since I was crushed too by that point...). We then go back to one of her old work places, a dive strip joint on Revo (can't remember the name--drunk, see above), and she decides she wants to dance, so she strips and starts runnin' around on stage, fallin' down, goin' from table to table and pouring guys' beers all over her naked little body and sticking their dollars to the wet flesh, then comes over to me and dumps a whole bottle a beer on me and her while she's sittin' in my lap wit a big-ass smile on her drunk little face. I take her back to the hotel and we do the drunken sloppy and pass out. Repeat next day, only more extreme. By the end of that day, she'd wore my ass out, and I went back across the line to regroup for the next adventure. WORTH IT, bros, worth every second--including the part where she almost puked on me in bed! NEVER miss an opportunity with a crazy girl!

I have got to start hanging out more in Mexico!!! Thanks Diabetic and Ritmo for these great stories - weird or not, these are the reasons I head south every chance I get.

Frenchie:

Tempted yes, regrets, a few. I'm no handsome dude, and offers like that come to me about once a decade but she was getting sloppy drunk and I just figured that it would be more trouble thyan it was worth. Of course, as old as I am, I realize that I may have turned down the very last offer of free pussy I'll ever get, and that depresses me.

Oh well, we will have a grand time when we gather on May 2.

D, I don't think you should regret your choice. Sex is always better when both parties are conscious. ;)

Remember, in crazy places like Nogales there will always be a next time.

Frenchie...

So *that* is what I've been doing wrong. Where were you 30 years ago when I could have used that advice?