OK, since I have assurances from Jaguar that he will stay clear of me on my future trip to Rio I will post my misadventure in Aruba. Please forgive my writing style as this is my first post. I am posting this as per guidance from my cousin’s wife whom is a psychologist and she stated that this would help reduce the trauma and embarrassment that I underwent while in Aruba.

For the first time in the last 18 months of flying, I arrived in Aruba unscathed and on time and checked in to my hotel with no problems thanks to my old friend the assistant manager. I travel to Aruba 4 times per year for a private poker tournament. The price is five grand to get in with a maximum of twelve hours play time. Well at 0800 hours, the game was over and I was 4,200 ahead and I thought to my self that a good flight and with winnings in my pocket this may turn out to be a nice weekend getaway. My buddy, who has his own taxi picked up my chica from Venezuela, myself and two of my good friends from the local refinery.

I don’t know why but after 5,000 beers and 20 gallons of tequila on the drive to the hotel I remembered one of Jaguars trip reports in Rio. I thought it was so funny that I decided to pull a prank on my buddy the taxi driver. I asked him to pull over at a pharmacy and I went in and purchased a small quantity of balloons (BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY FUCKING LIFE!!!!!!!!), so I got in the taxi and I started to blow up a balloon and my chica knew right away from my previous escapades what I was up to. It grew to the size of a medicine ball and then everything went black.

When I regained my senses I was standing in the middle of the street and my so called buddy’s were pointing at me and laughing their asses off, my GF was screaming at me in Spanish and my driver was screaming in an Aruban dialect that I do not understand. In all of the confusion I noticed that the front of my shirt was covered in blood. After about two minutes I realized that the blast from the balloon startled the driver and he ran up on the side walk and totaled a lamp post. After further investigation I realized that just after the detonation, my head hit the door frame and cut my eye to the bone.

Now guys you have to visualize a gringo standing in the middle of the street covered in blood with traffic blocked on both sides, a totaled lamppost, a wrecked taxi, two other gringos laughing their asses off, a very pissed off Venezuelan screaming in Spanish and a driver screaming in an unknown dialect and a large crowd of tourists gathering. I had to stop and think my way through this and as per my good luck a cop pulls up. Well to cut this part short I paid 400 US for the damage to the taxi, 900 US for the lamppost and 200 US for the cop to forget about it. I think to myself that it’s not all bad, I’m 2700 bucks ahead.

OK so all is well and I take a different taxi to the hotel. I enter the lobby to retrieve my key and I notice that the ladies in reception are staring at me very strangely (Why I don’t know). I get to my room and my GF is staring at me with that Latin stare of “I TOLD YOU SO YOU DUMB FUCKING GRINGO”. I go to the bathroom to inspect the collateral damage to my eye and I saw in the mirror what appeared to be an idiot who just got bitch slapped by Mike Tyson (reason for the stares???). Like a dumb ass Texan I tell myself that no self respecting Texan would go to the emergency room for stitches and just keep the pressure on.

I really love grape snow cones so I went to the kitchen and filled up the blender with ice and a quart of grape juice, I mixed it up, poured me a glass and placed the blender pitcher into the fridge. So I step back and while I was enjoying my snow cone I noticed a purple fluid coming from the bottom of the refrigerator door, I think oh shit the pitcher fell over. So I quickly opened the door and the pitcher fell out crashing to the floor. Now I have glass and grape juice all over the floor, I think SOB WTF, can anything else go wrong??? Now my GF is laughing her ass of at me. I am a very calm person; however she knows how to push my buttons. Any way I open the pantry door to get the broom and mop and they were secured with a European type fastener. I struggled with the gadget for about a minute when my GF starts pushing me aside stating that I am going to break something else. I told her in Spanish very firmly that I am a mechanical engineer and that I can command this European Piece Of Shit Design and that if she kept up with the button pushing, she was going to receive an early departure ticket back to Caracas. After about five more minutes I figured out the POS European Design and extricated the broom, now all I had to do is get the mop untangled from the POSED. I planned to extricate the mop in record time so I had the mop under my arm and in 10 seconds it was free. So being the master engineer that I am, I swung around quickly to show my Latina button pusher how skillful that I am. In my fluid twisting motion I knocked a 50 dollar bottle of Crown Royal off the counter onto the kitchen floor.

OK guys, I cannot stop the bleeding, I have broken a 20 dollar pitcher, a 50 dollar bottle of booze and now my Latina is hysterical with laughter. I said fuck it and let the maid clean it up. We loaded up and went to the emergency room where I received 5 stitches from the Tyson beating. Oh BTW I told the nurse during admission that I was from Ohio. So we left after dropping 350 bucks and off to the hotel. Went straight to the bar for medical reasons and my Latina would not stop with the I TOLD YOU SO YOU DUMB FUCKING GRIGO, so my patience wore thin and I kicked her ass out at the airport with an extra 200 bucks to change her flight.

Now I am headed back to the hotel and I am thinking of all the shit that has transpired and that I just kicked my awesomely good fuck out at the airport. So being the take charge kind of guy that I decided to take care of the missing piece of ass, so we did a U turn and went to San Nicolas where the red zone is located. I picked up this stunning Columbian spinner that was sitting on a bench near Charlie’s bar. I wanted to bar fine her before the place even opened up but when I found out the bar owner wanted 300 bucks plus whatever the spinner wanted I said fuck that and took her onsite for 2 hours. I wanted to take some pictures while this spinner was in deep throat mode so I grabbed my camera hit the start button and kiss my ass if I didn’t leave my memory stick in my home computer. Sorry guys no picks. After my second pop I headed back to the hotel.

It’s about a 20 minute drive across the Island so I had plenty of time to think up a game plan where there would not be anymore fuck ups. So I decided to find a place to buy another memory stick and I would return for session 2 with miss spinner. While I am thinking , my old friend from the hotel calls me and tells me Miss Caracas is at the hotel and I am like WTF, I just dropped her off at the airport. So I nix the memory stick mission and head to the hotel and Miss Caracas runs up to me and is apologizing for her previous attitude. Well being the southern gentleman that I am I forgave and forgot, then she begged me to take her upstairs and have my way with her. Now I had just popped twice and needed to recharge my tanks, so instead we went to the bar near the beach. After 5,000 more beers and a few more gallons of tequila I was bulletproof. It was about 1500 and my so called buddies from the earlier fuck up show up because there was a beach party slated for later. These two are in worse shape than I am, they appeared to be cannon proof, anyway they wanted to go skydiving before the party and invited me along, well I need to think about this before inserting a 12 EE in my mouth, due to all the bullshit had happened today.

Now before I continue I need to go back a few years. I was in New Zealand a few years back on business and a couple of coworkers wanted to go base jumping. There is a gorge in New Zealand that is about 1500 feet deep with a bridge running across. I forget the name of the gorge. Anyway we were all cannon proofed before arriving and I decided to do the jump. Well tor company placed a large bulls eye at the bottom of the gorge as a target. Well after my 30 minutes of parachute training I jumped and missed the target by about 3 feet, the next two times I hit dead center. So being the cannon proof master engineer that I am, I decided that I would expertly guide my parachute to this huge boulder next to a tree just down range of the bulls eye. I told my companions of my well thought out plan and they bet me 500 bucks that I could not do it. I stated to make it 3 to 1 and I would take the bet. Well being the gentlemen they were they said 5 to 1 and we shook hands to seal the deal. Now as I climbed up to the jump ramp I questioned myself about the bet, but being from Texas you’re your word and handshake is final and cannot be retracted. So I said fuck it and off I went like superman after Lois Lane. Any way my chute successfully opened and I was floating down beautifully, well I began to pull the lanyards to steer the chute, well I guess I thought my previous well executed 3 jumps qualified me for hazardous approach, to make a long story short I fucked up and over steered into the tree and not the boulder.

OK where was I, Oh yea sky diving. After remembering botched boulder incident, I told my story of New Zealand and they just stated that we would land on the beach and that trees were well away from the shoreline. As I approached cannon proof I said fuck it and lets go. Well I told Miss Caracas about my impending adventure and she shot back with the YOU STUPID FUCKING GRINGO look. Oh well off we went.

We arrived at the airport and the jumpmaster/pilot for the company first looked at us like we were crazy (I think he knew we were cannon proofed). Anyway he started asking questions about our jump experience and one buddy stated he had 15 jumps under his belt which the jumpmaster replied (only fifteen????) then my other buddy stated that he had 48 which the jumpmaster seemed to like then he turned to me. I felt like I was going to be left behind because of my paltry previous 4 jumps, so being the honest person that I am I had to confess that I only had 22 jumps to my name. Well the jumpmaster was hesitant about renting his equipment to what could be construed as the three stooges, but he did anyway and he took us up.

Well our plan was to clear the plane at 2000 feet and land on the beach on front of the party that was kicking off at our hotel. As we were approaching the exit point one of my buddies stated “ DON’T PULL ANOTHER NEW ZELEAND YOU STUPID FUCKING GRINGO”. Well that thoroughly pissed me off as I believed somehow there was a conspiracy about the stupid gringo shit. Anyway I decided that I was going to show this asshole that this super master engineer could out fly his ass so I decided to land in the middle of the party and not the waters edge. So they told me to follow after them and do what the do and all would work out fine. Well I am pissed now and I told the asshole to kiss my ass and out I went before them. Well it was a beautiful jump until I opened the chute. When it opened and I settled down to a nice decent I was headed for the party when I realized something that absolutely scared the shit out of me. There is wind blowing and I remembered that in the gorge there was no wind.

Well I start to panic and the party is growing bigger by the second. I decided to abort and head for the water. Well that didn’t work out to well as I was headed for the hotel now.

You know how people say that during a near death experience your life flashes in front of your eyes, well instead everything slowed down to microseconds, I saw green colors flash by my face and it seemed that ants were running around like chickens with their heads cut off and shrieking noise that my brain was not comprehending. Then everything went black.

I must have been out for only a few seconds because when my eyes opened they were stinging. (I was face down in the kiddy pool) So I attempt to stand and my left leg wouldn’t work by the time I made it to the pools edge Miss Caracas was by my side in the pool screaming at me in spanish. After about a minute I looked up from the pink colored kiddy pool and I noticed people screaming at me an another group laughing thier asses of. Well It took me about 3 to 4 minutes of reviewing the the disaster area and it apeared that the green flashes were palm trees and the ants were people running for thier lives.

Well with the help of the asshole and Miss Caracas I exited the pink pool and sat down at the bar. Now miss Caracas is pressing a towel to my previous bitch slap and I realized that I had opened up the cut again. My left knee is swelling up and my head is about to explode. I oder a quart of crown and 2,000 beers for madicinal purpouses and then my good old friend the assistant manager shows up. Well I am in tremendous pain and he layghingly asked me if I wanted to put the damage on my bill or pay some othe way. Well I look at him with my good eye and asked him WTF he was talking about. What did he want me to pay for restoring the pink pool to original condition. He looked at me with a shocked look and told me to turn around. Well I did and to my surprise the crowd dispersed and I saw a terrible carnage of 6 table turned upside down broken and chairs all over the place. The amount of broken glasses and dishes were insurmountable along with the pink kiddy pool. Well I told him to add it to my bill as I was still ahead on my poker winngs.

Well as I aproached bullet proof I realized that the eye slap would not close and the knee was aproaching the leagle limit of the NBA governing basketball dimmensions, so off we go to the emergencey room.

I limped with help in and if its not the same nurse who admited me earlier and she had the most shocked/LHAO look on her face and I ignored the look and told her my name (#$”%( from ohio). Well she wisked me through and stated that she had all personl data allready. So Im sitting there and nurses are staring aroud the door of my room amd snickering, Im like WTF I dont know these people. Now I am aproaching def com 3 and off we go to x-ray. Well after we fish the doctor comes in and stitches me up, looks at the x-ray and asked if I had a previous injury to my knee and I just stated yes and told him that I did not want o go into a previuos fuck up that had happened 20 years previous. I istucted him to put a brace on my knee and I would be on my way. Well after dropping 600 bucks and all the snickering from stangers we left for the hotel.

On the way Miss Caracas is telling me the I told you so bit and started explaining to me my previous miss adventures and that if I would listen to her more often I would stay clear of emergency rooms. Now I am 41 years young and I dont nee a 24 year old explaing the facts of life so now I am at def con 1 and fixing to level this freaking island. Well we get to the hotel and she wants to go upstairs and I told her to go up and I would be along soon. Well she knew I was going to the bar for medicinal purposes and stated that she would go with me in case that my next of kin needed to be notified.

Well we get down to the beach/bar which to my surprise was in an orderly fashion, with a clear kiddy pool and the previous party is in full swing. I have never gotten hammered so many times by so many people at one time.I mean what posses people to rib a man on crutches with a swollen eye, I dont understand. My recourse explanation to them was that shit happens and they all shot back (YEA ONLY TO YOU) which I had to aknowlege as a true statement. Anyway it was aproaching 0100 and after 26 hours of no sleep I decided to retire for a long slumber, Miss Caracas picked up our shoes and towels and off we go.

We get to the door and I notice the do not disturb sign on the door and questioned it for about a nanosecond, inserted the key and opened the door and an overpowering smell of whiskey hit me and I thought nothing of it. The lights were off and it was quite a challenge to get through the door on crutches to the light switch was located inside and not at the entrance. Well I am trying to manuver to the switch and whe I took a third step I felt a sharp pain run up my leg. I was so startled that I fell backwards through the door and on top of Miss Caracas. Well she starts to screm at me and I am screaming WTF WTF WTF. I whip out my trusty zippo to examine my foot and there is a 3” X 2” peice of blender picher protruding from my foot. She is still screaming at me and I am screaming at her to put on her shoes and turn on the lights, the next thing I knew other people are comming out of the rooms near us. I am so pissed off now that my brain is not understanding what is going and that I dont understand a word any one was sayig. Then the lights comes on and I cannot walk, so I scoot on my ass to the bathroom to inspect the damage.

After I pulled the srapnel from the pitcher explosion from my foot I wrapped a towel around my foot and hobbled out to the kitchen where Miss Caracas was picking up glass. I look aroud at the carnage and there is grape juice all over the place and a smeared blood trail into the bathroom. I am so pissed off that with the maids for not cleaning the room that I could not focus on anything. Miss Caracas stopped what she was doing and stated that we needed to go back to the emergency room and now that I am from Ohio I agree and off we go.

I enter the emergency room and aproach the empty admmisions desk and I heare someone laughing thier ass off and I turn around and kiss my ass if its not the same nurse the previous two times and I sceam at the top of my lungs, (what the fuck is so dammned funny, Im in severe pain here. Well that statement brought out more laughter from the previous nuses who were lookig around the corner of my room earlier. The Doc stitched me up while laughing his ass off, he gave me a bunch of sample pain pills and instricted me to take prior to going to sleep because I would wake up very sore and in pain. I thanked him, dropped another 400 bucks and left after Miss No Bedside Manner took photos for her scrapbook.


Well guys this report has taken a while and I am off to the airport. I will try to give you guys a blow by blow of day 2 shortly

RAMBO

Rambo,

Shit, I should be the one requesting your travel plans; you're a fucking disaster.

The major difference between us is that, fortunately, I never get seriously hurt and always manage to safely extracate myself from dangerous situations. Your luck is totally nonexistant!

Jag

I see a movie script in this future! Someh+thing along the lines of the old movie, ïts a mad, mad, mad,mad world.

Hilarious! Can I have your full name, Soc. Sec. number and date of birth. I want to take out an insurance policy on you!

Rambo,

Send me the same info because I'll take out a policy also. Hope you're not a smoker cause that really raises the rates.

Jag

Rambo,
Between your's and Jags reports I can not stop laughing. I would pay to follow you guys around, from a safe distance of course!!! Funny stuff dude, hope your okay! Damn shame about the bottle of Crown
Sparky

I want to have the movie rights to a RAMBO-JAGUAR Rio run. I should never have to work again after the movie is released. Felix

Felix,

Glad to see that you're finally back online after that terrible case of termas flu you caught in 4x4 a couple of weeks ago.

Fuck you Felix!

Jag

Felix, you may be onto something there. Rambo and Colonel Troutman do Rio?

P.S. Can anyone here believe Rambo-First Blood was released 23 years ago?????

Ok
My name is cluseau and my SS# is 1800KISS MY ASSSSS
Rambo

Was that asses or just assssss? Really, I am dying to hear the rest of this adventure. The local emergency room must be holding a party in your honor....and donations!

BTW-Explain "Cluseau" to Jag for all of us.

OMT-I'd welcome the opportunity to visit a casino with you and your luck. Walk on a sidewalk anywhere near you???? Let me give that one some thought!

Lastly-If you don't realize it yet buddy, you have a quarterly award winner going here!!!

Guess you guys can tell I am solo tonight but fuck it, I just can not let "this one" go;

I mean jeeze, I may be a little swollen, bruised and scraped but you my friend, you have lacerations, stitches and have seen the same "laughing" emergency room nurse three times in the span of a day?

I know we will meet some day and I promise,....promise, promise, promise, I will buy the first one and maybe several thereafter just to hear more details of this story. You cannot possibly be writing all of it down. I promise to keep buying so long as you do not get upset with the frequent spewes of golden nectar from my mouth and nose when I hear the details.

This has got to be one of the funniest (if not the most unlucky) reports in internet history.

I am almost guessing the next segment will include the family donkey you are riding for fun, gets hit by the llocal garbage truck and the family is pressing charges unless you pay for a new roof on their house....and you are in the hospital in traction watching old reruns of I dream of Jeanie.

Can't wait to see how far that $2,700 in winnings goes.

ROTFLMAO!

Sounds like my Colombia amiga in Trinidad, who kept complaining that it was not fair, I could speak the local language (Fat Chance). Please post your next trip, I want to be in the opposite hemisphere!