After getting disconnected three times in quick succession when I tried to call Don, I handed Miss Bubble Lips her phone back and told her it wasn’t working properly. Oh well, since I can’t reach Don, I needed something to keep me occupied and out of trouble so I decided to satisfy MBL’s cartoon induced sexual desires. I know I succeeded because even before I was finished writhing in ecstasy, she said, “Are you finished yet? Let’s go get dinner because you look real hungry.” Isn’t she a wonderful woman, always thinking about my welfare before her own?
After my second shower of the day, she decided to take me to one of our favorite restaurants and R$180 later, I was once again satisfied. Our next stop was Help to find some of the guys, but we changed plans as soon as I saw Lurch waiting in line to enter Help. “Honey, let’s go home, you can watch CSI and then some cartoons,” was all I needed to say to convince her that the apartment was a better choice. The cartoons worked their magic one more time.
The next morning is an absolutely beautiful day, it’s around 34°C and I can’t wait to go lounge on the beach after eating an enormous breakfast at The Office. After breakfast I walked up to the Marriott to pick up my lifetime complimentary copy of The New York Times Digest and as I’m walking back avoiding the shit flingers, I notice something strange on the beach. What the fuck is up with this? All the chaise lounge chairs are gone and replaced with skimpy little fold-up beach chairs.
I hate those fucking things because I always manage to cut myself on them or they collapse on me without warning. This is going to sharply curtail my beach time, not to mention how it will probably affect Fernando financially. That puts me in a grumpy mood and then when I get back to the apartment, Miss Bubble Lips informs me that she needs to go to her apartment to pick up her clothes and will be back within one hour. It’s now exactly noon and I tell her that I will meet her on the corner outside of our apartment at 1 p.m. She agrees and tells me that she will not be late and that’s a promise.
As she leaves I decide to wander down to the beach to say hello to my dear friend, Fernando. Somehow Fernando has picked me up on his “Gringo Screen” because as I approach the beach, he walks right up to the sidewalk to greet me just like he was expecting me. By utilizing our unique method of communicating, which combines elements of Portuguese, Spanish, English and sign language; he tells me that I should give him some money because it will rain for the next several days. “Are you positive that it will rain for the next two days,” I asked him? “Si, Senor James Bond,” was all he needed to say to make me very happy. “Great news Fernando, here’s R$10 for your trouble.”
“One more thing Fernando, what happened to the white lounge chairs,” I ask with hand signals? He pointed across the street at the Rio Othon Palace Hotel, put his right hand in a familiar configuration known to all of us guys and started moving it up and down rhythmically. Ah ha, he’s telling me that the Jerk-offs at the hotel have made everyone remove the chaises so as not to clutter the beach. See, who need’s Portuguese to communicate? Fernando, for all your help here’s another R$10 to fund your 401K. You’re sure it will chuva tomorrow?
Just like my fucking Brazilian lighter, MBL is faltering within 24 hours. It’s now 2 p.m. and she hasn’t shown up so I go to Alcazar and join Don for some adult refreshments. I’m pissed that she’s late, but delighted that I now have a trump card that I have to somehow figure out how to work to my fullest advantage. With a little luck, Fernando’s information will become my “ace in the hole.” MBL finally shows up at 3:45 p.m., I’m half drunk and somewhat pissed, but I’d better put on a good show to set her up.
“I can’t believe it. I came down here for a vacation to lie on the beach and you make me wait for an hour on a street corner when I could be on the beach sunning myself,” was all I needed to say to set the trap. “Don’t worry, tomorrow will be beautiful,” was her innocent response that sprang the trap. “How do you know it will be beautiful tomorrow,” I asked her? “Because it’s always beautiful in Rio,” she replied. “If it’s not sunny tomorrow or if it rains, I get you bunda. Okay?” I almost collapsed when she willingly said, “Si.” “As a matter of fact, because you made me miss this great day on the beach, every day it rains I get your bottom,” I said with authority. Once again all she said was, “Si.” Rarely, I just happen to luck out; today was one of those days.
What about Bob
Later on in the day the guys from Phoenix joined us and I got to spend some quality time with Bob. Once again, Bob spies MBL ample chest and asks her if she has another friend just like her. She smiles and laughs and then tells Bob that her eyes aren’t on her chest. He laughs and smiles as if nothing happened and looks her right in the eyes. He’s exceptional! How do I describe Bob? He’s one of those guys you instantly like and feel like you’ve known all your life. Bob looks a lot like heavy-set Kenny Rogers with light gray, almost white hair and beard. As you know, I give everyone a nickname, but “Bob” seems to fit him better than anything I could come up with, so he remained just “Bob” to me. Turns out that we’re only four months apart in age, he has grown kids and mine aren’t quite there yet. This is his first trip to Rio and he even showed me his new passport.
MBL and her cleavage
Despite the fact that this is his first trip, he’s apparently learned the ropes real well and from what I can understand the Phoenix guys are having a great time. Bob got me aside and told me he had done 10 girls so far and was looking forward to doing another two tonight. “How do you manage to keep your stamina,” I asked? He then revealed his secret – cialis. “Here, why don’t you try some,” he said. “Bob, I had a terrible experience with it on an airplane last June and I’d rather not go through that again. I think I’ll pass,” was all I could manage to say.
He then asked me if everything I write about really happens to me. “Of course it does, why would I make this stuff up,” I replied? He then told me he printed up copies of all my reports and had read each several times. “Do you really have such bad luck and does it rub off on those around you,” he asked? “Bob, look me straight in the eyes; yes, strange things happen to me everyday, but everyone around me survives. I haven’t lost anyone yet,” I confidently replied. “What about Dirty Harry?” “He wasn’t a friend, just an acquaintance, you’re my friend,” I replied.
“Do you follow football closely, Bob,” I asked him? “Yeah, I love football; as a matter of fact, we have special Monday night football games called, Monday Night Football Plus!” “What does that mean,” I asked? He explained it this way, “We get a group of guys together at my house plus a hooker to take care of us all. She the “plus” in the game and it’s always a fun time.” “Well then, since you’re such a rabid football fan, you’ve probably followed the situation in Philadelphia with Terrell Owens haven’t you,” I asked? “Of course I have, but what does that have to do with us here in Rio,” he replied?
“Let me put it to you this way, you’re my Terrell Owens and I’m your super agent, Drew Rosenhaus. We have the Eagles by the balls, the entire nation is behind us and our future looks phenomenally bright, just trust me my friend,” was all I needed to say to put his mind at rest. “After all, we’re in Rio with lots of beautiful women, tons of cheap food and lots of termas, so what could possibly go wrong,” I calmly asked him? He took a deep breath, smiled at me with a confused look of relief on his face and left for another termas run. “See you tomorrow,” he said as he climbed into Roberto’s taxi.
Felix was flying in from Miami on TAM airlines and, since he was arriving at around 11 p.m., we agreed to meet him at Help sometime after midnight. Miss Bubble Lips arranged for her “beautiful” girlfriend, Rosie, to meet us at Terrasco Atlantico in a futile attempt to fix her up with Felix. As you may recall, Felix prefers rather attractive petite women not to exceed 5’3” tall. Rosie, on the other hand, is 5’10” tall with great tits, protruding front teeth and practically no chin at all.
Simply put, she looks like a character out of a Warner Bros. Looney Tunes cartoon. Why do women always do this to men? They invariably feel obligated to fix up their unattractive female friends with an unsuspecting male friend of someone that they are dating. We wouldn’t do that to another guy, would we? Regardless of whether we would or wouldn’t, Felix begged off immediately and I was stuck buying Rosie’s drinks for the rest of the evening.
We run into Bob, Wally, Safadinho, Rocketmaninphx, and A-Rod after their run to Solarium. Once again Bob corners MBL, asking her to find him “a friend just like her.”
That was the wrong thing to say at that very moment because Rosie was standing right next to her. MBL points to Rosie and Bob seems enamored with her for a few minutes because he’s looking at her ample cleavage and hasn’t even looked at her face yet. I have to admit it, she has great tits, but the total package is a fucking train wreck. Within moments Bob looks up and comes to the exact same conclusion himself. He immediately scampers across the dance floor and I’m once again left standing at the bar with a very thirsty Rosie.
After buying more fluids for Rosie, I tell MBL that I want to go over and talk to the guys from Phoenix. Since they’re standing about 20 feet away, she doesn’t feel threatened and agrees that I can’t get into too much trouble by walking over to join them. I’m formally introduced to Safadinho and as he’s shaking my hand he says, “You’re Jaguar?” And then takes a step backwards as if something terrible will happen to him. “Yup, I’m Jaguar,” is my only response. We have a few laughs together and then Bob comes over and apologizes for abandoning me only minutes before.
Bob is just like a little kid on Christmas Eve, you know all excited about what’s to come. He told me about the fantastic session he had just hours before at Solarium and how he arranged for the same girl to meet him at his apartment at 2:00 AM. As Bob was leaving to meet his Honey, I remember thinking: God damn it, here’s Bob, a new guy in Rio, getting 10 times more pussy than I’m going to get on this trip—I’m so fucking jealous. Then as I turned back towards the bar and saw that Rosie’s drink was empty, I only got more pissed off. Why the fuck does she have to drink Red Bull?
The next morning I woke up to a raging thunderstorm and figure that this is going to be a “Red Letter Day” for me. MBL suggests I go for a walk to calm down because she knows what I want from her and she knows that Felix is out there somewhere waiting for me. Felix and I meet up at our prearranged destination, which is The Office, and we both get the huge American Breakfast. If you order it be prepared because it consists of eggs, bacon, sausage, toast and a waffle, topped of with freshly squeezed OJ and a pot of coffee. After we stuff ourselves, we decide to walk along the beach in an attempt to burn off some calories we just finished stuffing down our throats. That sentence doesn’t make much sense, but that’s exactly what we did.
You guys know how my curiosity can get the best of me; well, what happened next shouldn’t surprise you at all. As Felix and I are walking on the sidewalk next to the beach, I notice a policeman dressed in a different uniform than I’d ever seen before. He’s wearing a white T-shirt, navy blue shorts and a well equipped utility belt. Stupidly we approach him and I ask, “What kind of cop are you?” He responds in broken English, “You have problem?” As you guys know, when it comes to stupidity, I have no boundaries and, right about now I’m just getting started down a disastrous path. I replied, “No problemo, senor, but are you Militaria, Civil or Tourista Policia?” Now you have to understand that Felix and I are standing somewhat close to each other and that’s when Felix starts to move off to one side in an effort to distance him from a dangerous situation.
Unfortunately, the cop thought Felix was flanking him (the only flank that Felix knows is Flank steak) and suddenly reaches for the Mace on his utility belt. I had my hand in my pocket wrapped tightly around my Spitfire Pepper Spray, but realized that if it ever came to a fight, his Pam sized can of Mace would surely incapacitate the both of us. Not to mention the fact that we would both wind up in one of those upscale Brazilian jails we’ve all heard so much about.
Slowly I moved towards Felix in an attempt to mollify this “hair trigger” cop and, believe it or not it worked. He released his grip on the Mace, put it back in his belt and even smiled a little. Felix sighed in relief and then looked at me and started to tremble as he saw a familiar demented look in my eyes. We turn to walk away and then I quickly pulled out my Casio EZ-750 camera and took his picture. You would have thought I sprayed him with my fucking Spitfire unit because he immediately grabbed his mace and, as it was coming out of his belt, we took off in opposite directions.
After that little episode of excitement, Felix decides to go back to his apartment to get away from me. I can’t wait to get back to my apartment because MBL and her bunda are there waiting for me to return. As I enter the apartment I’m singing “Chuva, chuva, I love chuva” and she’s not looking very happy. “Remember our deal,” was all I needed to say to send her into a pissed off premenstrual mood. After about twenty minutes of foreplay, which is exactly nineteen minutes longer than I prefer, I finally reach my goal. She opened her mouth to scream just like that girl in the water at the beginning of Jaws when the shark grabbed her, but unlike the girl, she didn’t utter a sound. Within minutes she’s either talking dirty to me or cursing me out. I didn’t care which; I just wanted what was promised to me. I’m not quite sure, but I think she enjoyed it; then again, I could have misjudged the situation like I sometimes do.
Later in the afternoon I’m sitting in Don’s office, giving him some shit about the shower curtain and the telephone rings. It’s Rocketmainphx telling Don that Bob doesn’t feel well and is staying in bed all day. Bob wanted some amoxicillin and Don tells them that the closest place to get it is a pharmacy right around the corner from his apartment. I’m convinced that amoxicillin will fix him up but what do I know, I flunked biology in college. Within a few hours Bob called and tells Don he’s feeling much better, but intends to stay in for the rest of the day. Don suggests he might want to see a doctor if he doesn’t feel better tomorrow. Bob says that he’ll consider that option.
Later that night I walk over to my favorite favela bar, you remember it; it’s the one just outside of the favela and next to Lurch’s apartment building. As I approach, I hear them calling my name, Gringo Loco, and feel great going into a place where you are really appreciated. All my buddies are there, shit they’re always there so I buy a round of skols for everyone. The bartender asks me if I have copies of the photos I took on my last visit for him to hang on a wall. No, I don’t have photos this time, but as I pull out my new camera to take more, I get a lot of curious glances. After I take a few shots and get them up on the large LCD screen to show them, they’re all pleased at how handsome they look. Man, are these guys really drunk or what? I buy another round for the bar; say goodbye and walk back to meet Miss Bubble Lips for dinner.
It’s raining again on Sunday morning and MBL is trying to keep her distance. I can’t believe it; here I am in Rio praying for rain instead of sunshine. I must be going nuts! Felix and I meet at The Office and, rather than have the huge American breakfast again, Felix suggests we order side orders of bacon and toast and make bacon sandwiches for breakfast. God damn it, first I’m praying for rain and now I’m eating bacon sandwiches as if I was six years old. I am going nuts! After breakfast I suddenly become pissed because it stopped raining and the sun is out. As I sneak back into the apartment, I see MBL sleeping soundly and the drapes are still drawn so my luck is holding.
Chuva, chuva, chuva I repeat as I climb into bed with her. Fortunately, she gives up the goods without a complaint. While I’m ravaging her she’s shouting, “fuck my bottom, fuck my bottom,” which only turns me on more and more. Shortly after we’re done, she gets up and goes to the window and opens the drapes. As the sunshine streams into the room she goes ballistic and accuses me of lying. “Look outside Honey, everything is still wet, it was really raining hard, honest,” was my feeble attempt at resolving her immediate anger management issues. It didn’t work one bit!
Fortunately it started to rain again and she just kept her distance from me until she cooled off. We met Hemp for lunch and he tried his best to convince MBL that a termas run with the right adult supervision would actually help our relationship grow and develop. She didn’t buy it one fucking bit. Then she went on the offensive by asking, “Why do you need to go to termas to have a woman?” As we all know, that is a totally unfair question to ask a man because we don’t have a good answer. We go to help the women, don’t we? Hemp doesn’t like this sudden turn of events and in an effort to get her to shut up, he offers her one of her favorite things—a Bob’s sundae. That didn’t work either!
Somehow I convince Felix to accompany me to my favela bar for a drink that evening. It’s around 6:00 PM, the usual crowd is there, and everyone chugs down their beer as we approach. As I see all the empty glasses on the bar, I order a round of skols for the bar and everyone smiles. All I can say is if I were a dentist, these smiles would be in the worst nightmare imaginable. Unfortunately, the worst set of teeth belonged to a 65 year old woman who had her sights set on me. She sauntered up next to me, grabbed my hand and started stroking my hair. Felix burst out laughing at my situation and then to compound matters, who walks by -- Lurch.
I immediately break the old bitch’s grip and run to the front and call out “Lurch,” but she doesn’t turn around. That’s when I realize that I have to call her by her real name, not my secret nickname “Lurch.” As soon as she hears her name she turns around and joins us at the bar. Felix is absolutely mesmerized by this Amazon. He’s never seen anything with a pussy that tall and it astounded him! He can’t keep his eyes off her and as she holds my hand, he says, “Her hand is twice the size of yours.” “Look at her feet,” was his next subtle comment.
She just smiles at him and then tells us that one of her roommates told her that James Bond was down at the corner bar having drinks and smoking cigars with the locals. She said she thought her roommate was back sniffing glue again because she knew that I would never go into a place like that. Obviously, she doesn’t know how crazy I am. She’s standing on the sidewalk while I’m standing on a raised platform inside the bar and Felix once again comments on her size, “She’s still taller then you, even with you standing up here.” Fuck you Felix!! As she leaves, Felix turns to me and asks, “Is she good in bed?” “Yeah, but don’t let her get on top!” “Why?” “Use your imagination.”
Wedding Day
Because MBL had proposed to me, Sunday night was portrayed on the board as our Blessed Event, which I’m delighted to say never came off. First of all I fucked up with the ring. I ordered one from QVC, an Epiphany filigree ring, consisting of three stones with a total weight of 3 carats. No, it wasn’t real diamonds, it was better than that; it was Diamonique and costs only $34.95 plus shipping. Unfortunately, as my luck would have it, they ran out of the size I ordered. They offered me the same ring in size 10, but since it wasn’t for Shaquille O’Neal or Lurch, I decided to pass on their offer. Now what do I do? Yeah, go to the mall and find a suitable substitute at a reasonable price. As I enter the mall and go to the first Jewelry store, I become depressed at the selection in my price range. It was virtually nonexistent!
When I told him what I wanted to spend, the salesman looked at me and laughed as he was saying, “Is this for a gag gift or are you serious?” On to the next store, only to find that for $699 I could buy something that was appropriate. Fuck them, I thought as I departed the store only to find my salvation in one of those fucking carts in the middle of the aisle. There was a sign high above one cart that said “Ringstones,” and I knew my luck had changed. As I reached the cart, I grabbed the vendor by the arm and said, “I need a ring to take to Brazil in a size 7.”
He looked at me like I was deranged or something and said, “Our rings don’t come in sizes.” What the fuck is this idiot talking about? I decided to change tactics and asked if he had anything about 3 carats. Once again, I got a dumb look from him and he pointed up to his sign. “Yeah, I know, it says Ringstones, so where are your rings?” He told me to read the sign more carefully before asking anymore questions. After I had read it out loud three more times, he asked me, “Do you wear glasses?” “No, why?” “Because the sign says RINGTONES, we sell stuff for cell phones.” That was all he needed to say in order to get rid of me forever. God damn fucking macular degeneration; I knew it was going to cause me trouble someday, but not so soon!
After going into practically every shop in the mall, I finally found just what I was looking for. Well, it wasn’t exactly what I wanted, but the price was right. For $24.95 I purchased a fake silver ring studded with tiny chips of cubic zirconium and for an extra $12.95, I bought her two pair of earrings. They were on a two for one special, buy one pair and you get another pair free. How could I pass up a bargain like that? Okay, let me get back on track. Now where was I? Oh yeah, at Help on Sunday night.
MBL was more than a little disappointed that no one else showed up for the festivities. Felix stayed close to me just in case she did something to hurt me for building up the whole thing. Apparently, many of the members on this board erroneously thought it was all a joke and stayed away, but it broke MBL’s poor little heart. Even her good friend, Rosie, didn’t show up. But that didn’t upset me one bit because it meant that I wouldn’t be buying Red Bulls all evening.
Felix spotted a beautiful girl across the dance floor and I told MBL to keep and eye on him and watch him fall in love. Shit, if we couldn’t get hitched at least we could watch Felix get himself into a mess. Sure enough, within minutes he brought her over and she and MBL started talking like they were old friends. Felix got me aside and told me that she speaks passable English. I knew that would really please MBL because she threatened me with bodily harm if she ever had to translate for him again. At around 2:00 AM we decided to go home and consummate the “Wedding that Never Happened.”
Felix and I met up as usual at The Office and had our trademark bacon sandwiches for breakfast. Yup, as I suspected, he’s fallen in love and I must admit she’s a delightful and beautiful woman. After we finish our sandwiches, I decide to use the bathroom to freshen up. Felix uses the free internet to check his email and as I exit the restroom he says, “What’s wrong?” “Nothing’s wrong, absolutely nothing.” “You didn’t fuck up the toilet again,” he asked accusingly? “No,” I replied. “Did you wreck the faucet again?” “No, but let’s leave anyway.”
“Why are you holding your hand that way,” he asked? “No reason,” I replied. “Let me look at it,” he demanded. When I showed it to him, he recoiled in horror. “What the fuck did you do to it,” he inquired. “I got it caught in the bi-fold door when I entered the stall. That’s one big blood blister, isn’t it,” I stated. “How do you manage to survive without help,” he asked compassionately? “I don’t know.” Rather than piss him off, that obtuse answer made complete sense to him.
After going for our morning walk, Felix decides to go back to his apartment and I stop by Don’s office. Ken is there working on the internet and I sit down to bother him. Shortly after sitting down the phone rings and Ken answers it. He mouths that its Don calling and for me to keep quiet. Now you have to understand that I could only hear one side of the conversation, but I was somehow able to piece it all together. This is essentially what I heard: “What do you mean Bob’s gone,” Ken says. “Where did Bob go,” I asked? Ken waves his hands around in an attempt to shut me up. “Oh, no,’ Ken replied. “He didn’t leave without saying good-bye,” I asked? Ken shook his head in the affirmative. “Is he coming back soon?” Ken nodded his head from side to side. Shit, he was a nice guy, but I guess he left quickly for a good reason. Ken hung up the phone and the color drained from his face. “What’s the matter,” I asked? “Bob’s gone,” he said once more. “Yeah, I know, but why did he leave so soon,” I asked? “No Jag, Bob’s gone!” Yeah, I’m not stupid, I heard you on the phone,” I replied. “No Jag, Bob’s dead!” “No shit,” I asked? “No shit!” “Oh shit!!!!”
