Subtopic	Posts		Updated
	Comments Archive 01	50		2006/03/02, 01:14 pm
	Comments Archive 02	50		2006/05/05, 10:14 am
	Comments Archive 03	12		2006/07/09, 09:56 am

This report is named after a punch line in a Chris Rock standup routine. Only in Brasil have I noticed the girls practice this strange art of taking my dick and beating theselves around the face with it. It is extremely hard for me not to bust out laughing when they do that, because I find it more comedic than erotic.


1) The big spenders have won! - For years I have seen guys beseech their fellow mongers to not overspend while in Rio, so as not to drive up the prices to astronomical rates. Most of the time, these idiot's responses were along the lines of "I dont fly 5000 miles, spend 150 bucks a night on a hotle room just so I can cheat a girl out of an extra 100R. I dont have a problem paying a beautifull girl an additional 100-200R so that I can enjoy her for the evening" Well you big spenders should be very happy with yourselves!! You have succeeded in getting the girl to assume that 4-500R is the asking rate for Americans! Hell, even average looking girls are asking for 300R, most wont go for a centavo less than 250R. There used to be a time when you could grab a girl from out in front of Help and get a couple of hours or sometimes an all night session for 100R, those days are gone for good. Now, even the girls out front are asking for 200R for a couple of hours!

2) Thanks Guliani - Even though I hated him when he was the Mayor of New York, I do appreciate the no smoking ban in buildings that he passed. I never realised how pleasurable it is to be in a club without people blowing smoke in your face all night. After getting burned half a dozen times in Help by people waving their cigarettes while talking or coming back to the apartment with the smoke smell in my clothes and skin, I now would like to give a big Thank you to my former mayor.

3) Doctor Octopus - I think the "Thailand approach" has finally hit Rio. Never have I seen guys so "handsy" as I have on this trip. Literally, seconds after being introduced to a girl, the guy will reach with one hand to shake hands and with the other, he will reach for her tits or ass! No qualms about fondling her tits in the middle of the afternoon on the sidewalk. Heaven forbid if the girl is insulted and gets upset, the guys will say "Your a prostitute! What are you so uptight about?" I swear its only a matter of time before one of these girls grabs a bottle and smashes it over some monger's head one day.

4) We need Re-enforcements!! - I was shocked at how few Americans were in Rio last week, especially Black Americans. I doubt if there were more than 8 brothas in all of Help the past 12 days. Now that may seem like a fantastic situation for me, but it actually sucked. I had dozens of girls who all wanted to go with me, because there werent any brothas in town, so they were starving for money.

5) More Terma girls in Copa- This exchange rate drop has seriously hurt the middle tier girls in the termas. The superstars will always get customers, but the decent to average looking girls are not making any money. I was shocked at how many girls from the various termas would end up in Help every single night looking for work. There were girls who completely gave up working in the termas because they could make more money working in Meia Pataca, Mabs and the Blaconey every day.

6) Shy Pornstars - What is it with these pornstars who are suddenly so shy with pictures? I ran into 4 girls at 4X4 and MC who had done many films. When I told them that I wanted to take pictures in the cabin, they all balked! Each one claiming that they dont allow pics! WTF? "Let me see if I have this right? You don't mind being filmed with 3 guys all pounding you at the same time, but you wont allow me to take a picture of you topless?"

7) Mass Murderer in a former life - I have finally come to the conclusion, that I must have been a mass murderer or serial rapist in a former life! Someone who deserved to be caught, beaten and shot for my crimes! Thats the only way I can explain, why I have so many problems with the police in this lifetime! (Now before I get flamed by the board for being another paranoid black guy. As anyone from the board who has met me can attest to, I am much closer personality wise, to Bryan Gumbel than 50 Cents) I was laying on the beach in front of the Marriott with a non working girl one afternoon, when 2 police officers rolled by on their 4 wheelers. I was looking at the machines like "Cool, I wish I had one one of those" When I looked up at the police officer, he was completely "eye fucking me". I was really taken back by his facial expression, he looked at me like I had pissed on his kid's birthday cake! They rolled by a second time about 5 minutes later and the same cop was still giving me the evil face, I turned to the girl I was with and asked her if she knew him or if her ex boyfriend was a cop or a friend of this cop. She told me that she didnt know him and she didnt know why he was staring at me so hard. I continued to just give him a bland expression the whole time that he was looking at me.

About 20 minutes later, these same two cops come back again! They slowed down quite a bit as they passed and the same cop continued to give the me the evil stare (It wasnt the "I think I saw you on Interpol as a wanted criminal" stare. More of a "I would love to kick your ass right now" stare!) I asked the gilr i was with, if she was saw what I saw and she responded that she understood what I was talking about and she repeated that she had never seen the guy before. Wouldnt you know it, he returned a 4th time, alone this time! I finally had enough of the treatment and gave him my best shoulder shrug accompanied with the "What the fuck are your staring at?" glare. He stopped the ATV and jumped off, instead of remaining in a submissive position where he could tower over me, I got up and I closed the distance to him by meeting him at the back of his 4 wheeler. (One thing Ive learned over the years, when dealing with aggresion. Whether its a bully in the school yard or an asshole with a gun, you have to be just as aggressive as they are. Aggression VS Fear, promotes more Aggression. Agression VS Aggression, promotes Peace!) He immediately asked me if I was Brasilian or American? I told him I was an American on vacation. He asked me for Identification, I gave him a look and I explained to him that "I dont normally carry my passport in the pocket of my swim trunks on the beach" ( I know it was a smart ass answer, but come on! Did he really think I would have my passport on the beach?)


He asked me what I did for a living and I told him, finally, I asked him he had some sort of a problem me. He responded something in Portugese that I couldnt understand, so I asked him a second time. He responded again but I still couldnt understood what he said, but his tone of voice was threatening. Right then it hit me that this may become violent and that I was at a severe disadvantage. Since we were on the sand, there was no way I could close the 4 feet of distance between us quickly enough if he reached for his baton or gun, to knock him out . (If we had been on the cement or the street, he would have been unconcious before he would have realised that I had even moved, but on the sand I was fucked) In an attempt to de-escalate the situation, I spun around and pointed at the girl and explained that I was on a date with my friend and the we were enjoying the sun together, because it had been raining the past 3 days straight. I heard the sound of a rapidly approaching 4 wheeler and turned to see his partner rolling up. I immediately cursed my decision to sit on the beach so far away from my friends, if these two cops started beating me, none of my friends would have been close enough to help me. I was completely helpless, no way in hell I could take out 2 cops with batons and guns on the sand! His partner stops his machine and yelled something to the officer, the cop gave me one last hard stare and turned and jumped on his ATV and rode away. I immediately threw 10 reais at the rental guy , grabbed my girl and high tailed it out of there before they could return. I didnt want to be around in case they returned and decided to "teach the gringo a lesson". Talk about a scary situation!!

8) Saving the best for last - I am probably the 1 millionth guy to make this statement, but doesnt it suck when you meet the hottest girl in Brasil, just a couple of days before the end of your vacation? I met my own verions of "Serena WIlliams and Rick Flair" (I give most of my girls nicknames, because its too hard to remember all of their names) Serena Williams was named aptly so, because she was built just like the tennis star. Extremely powerfull physique and an ass that was unworldly round and firm!! After 2 rounds with her, I felt like I had ran a marathon, completely worn out. Rick Flair I met at Help, I call her Rick Flair because she was the Total Package, good looking, fantastic body, great personality and awesome skills in the bedroom. Unfortnately, both of these girls live in cities far away from Rio, so there is a good chance I will never see them again:-(

9) Internet Girls rule - I specifically decided to use more internet girls on thei trip than spend hours every day sitting in a terma. Not only did I save ALOT of money, I got alot of video, something you can't do in a terma. Almost every girl gave me their personal cell numbers and emails so I could contact them on weekeneds. A few told me they were leaving their agencies after carnival, but they still wanted to get together from time to time.

10) Fine Art of Ass Smacking - Guys, I have think its time that someone school you on the art of smacking the girl's asses when having sex. Some of you guys are flailing away, like your riding Seattle Slew down the back stretch of the Kentucky Derby! The girl is not supposed to have deep tissue bruising after a sex session!! You should try and make the smack as quick as possible, when you hit the ass, pull your hand back as fast as you can. You dont want to slap the hell out of her and then palm it like your kneading dough. The correct technique is to make it sting, not to leave a bruise.

11) We are not alone - I found out on this trip, that we Americans, are not the only ones who get fucked over by the girls. Turns out, there are plenty of girls who work in the termas and the agencies, who have brasilian husbands! I was shocked when they told me that their husband has no idea thta they turn tricks all day long! Most said they lied and told their husband that they work for perfume/makeup companies that require them to travel from office to office all day, which is the reason why she doesnt have a work number that he can call. Her manager doesnt want her husband to come to their office when she is supposed to be working, so he cant visit her for lunch either:-)

12) Asian girls in Help - I saw two Japanese girls dancing their little bootys off in Help last weekend. Both were very attractive (Skinny but attractive) and were having a great time. I was with a buddy of mine from Houston who has been to Thailand a few times and I pointed them out to him. I said "See dude, they are pretty as hell, but they have no body! No tits, No ass, just a stick figure! Thats why I cant see myself ever going to thailand! He looked at me and said. "How long have you known me? Do you honestly think I would make repeat visits to Thailand, if all the women were shaped like 10 year old boys?" I thought about it for a second, because him and I have very similar tastes in Rio! I started laughing and admitted that I had never thought about it that way before. "Thanks dude! You've finally convinced me to make that trip this year!"

13) More kids - For a while the staff at Help was doing a fantastic job of keeping all the beggars away. They couldnt stand anywhere on the block, they had to wait across the street, near Bobs or Meia Pataca. Well, THEIR BAAAACK!! Not only are they back, it looks like they brought all their buddies from the favelas with them. I must have been surrounded by 10-15 kids every damn night as I tried to walk to my apartment. Between them, the flower salesmen and the picture guys, its like navigating thru human landmines to get back to my apartment!

14) We Talk Too - I had a nice conversation with Priews "Future Wife" in Help one night. I always joke and kid with her whenever I see her in Help. One night she stopped me and asked me why I never take her out of Help. She said "I see how you look at me and I know you like my body! Why dont you ever ask me to go with you?" I told her "Because, you dont like sex! Alot of guys have told me about you! They said you want 350R for one hour of sex and then you get dressed and leave!" She got real defensive and said "You guys want to fuck all night long!" I said "Your damn right! If I give you 350R, I want sex all night and twice the next day before you leave!! Plus I know you fucked over a guy on his first trip, so I would never go with you now!"

A rookie grabbed her one night from Help and took her back to his place. She demanded the money upfront (Being a rookie, he didnt put up a fight and just handed her the money) She went into the bathroom to take a shower and when she came out, she said she need another 100R! 50R for her entry into Help and 50R for cab fare! He told her "Hell no! I already payed you!" She told him "Fuck you then! I am leaving!" She got dressed and proceeded to walk out of his place. He told me he wanted to grab her by the throat and take his money back, but he had heard all about the corrupt police in Brasil and he was afraid to touch her. So basically, he payed her 350R, to take a shower!

I told him that he did the right thing, there really was nothing he could have done about it. Best way to handle it, is to smear her name and make sure you tell every American you see talking to her, what she did to you.

15) No greater joy - There is aboslutely no greater visual stimulation on this planet, than watching the girls dance to funk music!! Even if you hate the music, just to see the joy on their faces, as they shake their asses on the dance floor, should put a huge smile on your face. Every night at 1AM, I would head into the small room to sit and watch the girls dance. Best mental highlight reel of my life:-)