$12? Ridiculous. Why waste your money?
Hi. RT here. I had a full day ahead of me on Saturday, so I slept in until about 10:30. I checked my email, and headed over to restaurant La Mar for lunch.
La Mar
Avenida La Mar #770
Miraflores
421-3365
Open Daily for Lunch ONLY 12-5 pm
Officially, La Mar is a cevicheria, but that's like saying that Shaquille O'Neal plays a little basketball. This place has an extensive seafood menu, ranging from sushi to ceviche to grilled seafood to tuna steaks to entire fried fish. And every item that comes out of the kitchen is beautifully plated, as well as delicious. It is owned by the same people who own Astrid y Gaston (also in Miraflores), and the only shame about eating there is that you have to leave when the meal is done.
I started out with a 'cebichini' ( a mini order of cebiche) of conchas negras, then an appetizer of causa (mashed potatoes topped with various items - it's MUCH better than I described it), and for a main dish, the Plancha La Mar, which was shrimp, scallops, mushrooms, and crab claws, in some delicious sauce, served on a sizzling skillet.
Good food doesn't come cheap. The entire meal (with an Inka Cola) set me back just about $20. Worth each and every penny.
I was able to waddle out of the restaurant and catch a taxi to take me downtown to get my glasses. They were ready and waiting for me when I got there. I left Lima Centro and headed over to the Central Market in Surquillo, where I walked around through all the stalls, and picked up some more bootleg DVDs for my collection.
I really like the market in Surquillo. It's not so big that it's overwhelming, and I'm usually the only guy in there that's not Peruvian. Part of the fun on my trips is getting as far away from being a tourist as I can. It turns out that wasn't going to be an issue later in the day!
The plan was for me to meet my new friends at Royal Spa at 4:00 PM, enjoy the Banos Turcos for a while, and then see some more highlights of Lima nightlife.
Royal Banos Turcos
Avenida Republic de Panama #6570
Barranco
242-2490
Open Daily from noon to 11:00; Sundays, they close at 9:00
http://www.royalspaperu.com
Don't let the Barranco address fool you - Royal Spa is on the borderline of Miraflores, and was only a 5 Sol cab ride from my hotel. Admission is 15 Soles, but there were all sorts of combos that included your massage and other stuff. Figure on 40 Soles for admission and the house fee on the massage.
Royal Spa is a new facility, with all that you would expect from a Banos Turcos: both wet and dry heat rooms, a swimming pool, a Jacuzzi, manicures, a bar and a restaurant. The first floor hosts the changing rooms, bar, restaurant, pool and Jacuzzi. The second floor contained the showers, steam room and sauna. And the third floor was the massage area.
I was the first of our group to show up, so I changed into my towel and headed up to the steam room. There were two other guys in the room when I arrived, and I don't see how these men are still alive, it was painfully hot in there. I could only take about a half minute of the steam, and I bailed for the dry room.
That was more tolerable. As I said, the Spa is new, so the large room was equipped with a television showing the Peru league soccer playoffs. I watched for about 20 minutes, and headed back downstairs. Right before I hit the steps, I saw a second steam room. I assume that the second one was set to a temperature that humans can survive in.
Back downstairs, I met up with my tour guides. One of them spoke very good English, so I was able to talk with him about yesterday's adventures, and we swapped tales of mongering in other countries as well. While we were talking, one of the massage girls wandered down to the restaurant to get something to eat. She came over and introduced herself. Karen was Just My Type: young, thin, pretty, and friendly. I was secure in the knowledge that I had at least one viable choice for my session that afternoon. I decided to take in some Jacuzzi time, but the water in the tub wasn't warm, so I bailed after just a few minutes.
I excused myself from the guys, and went upstairs for my massage. As soon as you clear the steps on the third floor, there's a waiting room, where the available masajistas wait for clients. There were only two girls there, so I just smiled at Karen, nodded my head at her, and off we went to her cubicle.
I lay down and show her where the knots in my neck and back are. She spends a nice amount of time working out the kinks before telling me to turn over. She starts with a light touch, and asks me if I want additional 'services'. Of course I do, I say, and I ask her how much? She replies that it would cost 150 Soles ($45.45), and I agree. 150 Soles is kind of the standard tip in a Banos Turcos, so things were going well.
And then things went even better. This turned out to be the best session of my trip. Everything went - kissing, a nice blow job, she was very responsive when I went down on her, and sex in a whole bunch of positions before I finished in a blaze of glory. I'm thinking that she enjoyed it as much as I did, but who can tell? She might be a great actress for all I know.
After resting up a bit and getting cleaned off, it was time to get dressed and settle the bill. Getting dressed in these places is great, all you do is put on your towel and you're done. As to settling up, the girls have a ticket book that you sign off on the tip, which you pay when you leave.
This is where it didn't go as well. Karen fills out the slip, and I see that it is for 250 Soles, not 150. When I tell her that we agreed to 150, she answers, "No, mi amor, the price is 250. That's what I said, and that's what it always costs here."
I knew better, but I was in no position to argue there and then. We were alone in a room when we cut the deal, so I was up a tree. Worst case, I was out an extra $30 for a great session, and I could afford it. Best case, we get it cleared up downstairs. I tell her to give me the pen, and she says that I shouldn't be angry. I tell her that I wasn't happy, so what did she expect? I sign and leave.
When I get downstairs, my friends say that I must have had a good time, because I was gone for more than an hour. I reported that I had a lot of fun, but I wondered how much the standard cost for service was at this place. They all told me 150 Soles, and I recounted my story. They were shocked, and said that we would tell the people at the front desk when we left, and they would take care of it. I was dubious, but hopeful.
A few minutes later, the owner of the Spa came by. These guys go there fairly often, so he was visiting with his regular customers. They introduced us, and I asked my friends if now was a good time to tell my story. They said yes.
I guess my Spanish is better than I thought, because I got the point across to him. He only asked me one question: which girl? What followed was flurry of Spanish between the boss and my friends, which ended in them telling me that I shouldn't worry, the price is only 150, and that he was embarrassed that this took place at his business.
I thanked him and told him that he had nothing to be embarrassed about. After all, he can't control all his employees, and he fixed the problem as soon as it was brought to him.
So all's well that ends well. Except I can't totally erase from my mind the question of what would have happened if I, some visiting foreigner who probably won't be back, wasn't sitting with his regular customers? Would I have gotten the same response? Probably, because he seemed truly upset that this had happened. But I am not 100% sure.
I'm also not sure that I would go back to Royal Spa. For one thing, it's in the opposite direction from most of the places I know of in Lima. For another, I think that there is never a very large selection of girls available there, and sadly, I probably can't session with Karen again.
But except for the price issue, I strongly recommend Karen in the cama. Just agree on the price (in writing) first.
The guys told me that we had miles to go before we slept, so we got dressed and headed for our next destination - El Trocadero. They said that they debated back and forth over whether to take me there or not. El Trocadero is the oldest and most famous brothel in Lima, but it is far away, and the girls are not as beautiful as they might be otherwise. I was excited about going (my motto: It only takes one).
El Trocadero
Avenida Argentina #1869
Callao
Open Daily from about 5:00 to 10:00 PM
12° 02.874' S, 77° 07.483' W
If I had no clue where La Cucardas was yesterday, I REALLY am lost regarding El Trocadero. I do know this: it cost 17 Soles to get there from the Royal Spa, and 10 Soles (and much negotiation) to get to Lima Centro when we left. As far as I can tell, you find a taxi driver who knows where the place is, and you trust him to take you there. You drive forever, until you hit the set of Blade Runner. Then you drive some more, until you make a right turn into what looks like a blown out building's driveway. Then you drive through some more of the Blade Runner set ( we went on a Saturday evening, so maybe it is more populated during the work week), until you think that you're in the middle of nowhere.
Then, out of the blue, there's all this commotion and hubbub. There's a full parking lot, there's people selling stuff from carts, there's busses (busses!)… it's just a hotbed of activity. El Trocadero.
This place is in no way neat, clean, and upscale. I wouldn't call it exactly dirty, but clean doesn't apply, either. It's just there.
The entry charge is 13 Soles ($4). No yellow pieces of paper, no searches, no music, no dancing, nothing. You pay and you enter. El Trocadero is made up of three long hallways with about 20 doorways on each side of the hallway. The hallway on the far right is very wide, almost resembling a city street. Standing in front of the open doorways are girls. All ages, all sizes, all shapes, all colors, all levels of beauty. From beast to muy bonita, they're all there. If the door is closed, they're either not working that day or are in session. Sessions there run 20 Soles ($6!!!!) for 15 minutes. You walk up to the girl, say hello, wait for her to invite you in, and you have at it. No pretense, nothing.
My friends and I walk through the three hallways twice, looking over the various hookers. I realize that I had just sessioned about an hour earlier, and couldn't perform right then, even if I found someone that I wanted to perform with. It was quite the experience, as there were definitely some girls there that I would have selected. A few times during our walk, I had to double check. "$6, right?," I asked. "Si," they responded. "Three of them and change for $20?," was my next question. "Si again, amigo," they said.
I finally was able to emotionally grasp the concept of $6 hookers as we were walking through the center aisle for the second time. I saw a young, pretty girl standing all alone in front of her room on the right hand side, about two thirds of the way down. I excused myself from my friends and walked over to her.
RT Gooch: Well, get a look at you. How pretty!
Young, Pretty Girl: Thanks. Want to come in?
RTG: I would love to, but I have nothing left (yo no tengo leche).
YPG: Why not?
RTG: Well, look around - there's all these girls here. I didn't know that I would see you.
YPG: I understand. Well, maybe next time.
RTG: Yeah, but look at you. It would be a shame to miss this opportunity. Hey! I know! Why don't I pay for the session, but instead of sex, I just take some pictures of you?
YPG: Hell no. I live here in Lima, People might see the photos. Sorry, it's just not possible. No way.
RTG: How about if I give you $12?
YPG: Come on in!
Well, it turns out that Gaylhe is 19 years old, has one kid, and can't be more than 5'2" tall and 100 pounds. She also was a pretty willing model. I got off 23 photos that I wound up keeping. Here's five of them:
Photos: Troca 13 14 15 17
Her eye makeup wasn't as pronounced in real life - you can blame the camera flash for it. Gaylhe thought that I was a little nuts to fork over $12 just to take some pictures, so when we were done with the camera, she told me that since I paid double, we still had some time if I wanted to go at it with her. I would have if I could have, but I couldn't, so I didn't. I kissed her on the cheek, thanked her, and went out to find the guys.
They wanted to know if I had a good time. I told them that it was too soon for me to have recharged my batteries, but I just went and took some pictures of the pretty girl for my scrapbook. They were surprised that the girl allowed photos, but when I explained that I paid the 100% upcharge, they understood. And when they saw the photos, they understood even more.
A few of the rooms (less than 10) were clearly marked "30 Soles ($9)". It wasn't all the biggest and best rooms, and it wasn't all the prettiest girls. I'm not sure why the price discrepancy, nor were my friends. It just was. Granted, $3 is $3, but I wouldn't let it stand in my way, if I saw a girl that I wanted.
I would return to El Trocadero. Maybe not every trip, but I might. It was a cool place, and I did not feel like I was in danger at all. It was now around 9:00, so we decided to go get a bite before meeting up with the other guys for the evening's activities.
There were taxis looking for fares in the parking lot, and there were taxis dropping people off all through the hours that the place was open. You might consider paying your driver to wait for you, but I do not think that it is necessary.
We took a cab to Lima Centro (10 Soles), where we proceeded to bring our monger count to five of us. Restaurants are busy at 9:30 on Saturday, so, after looking around, we ate in a Chinese restaurant somewhere. It was good, and we got to talk some. After what I had just seen, I needed to talk, so it worked out well.
Our ultimate destination is Club Scarlets, but before that, a couple of the guys wanted to check out some other place that they had heard of. It was called Anaconda.
Anaconda
Somewhere in the Los Olivos neighborhood
Open Nights - I guess
11° 58.719' S, 77° 03.834' W
OK, so shoot me for not getting an address or phone number or hours or anything for this place. You probably shouldn't go there unless you're with someone who's been there before and knows where it is. I didn't feel unsafe, just like I was WAY out of the 'do I belong here?' picture. This was the only place that my friends took me that they told me, "don't speak English here. Either stick to Spanish, or say nothing." Of course, it was way too loud for anyone to hear anything in ANY language, but that's beside the point. I took their advice, and stuck to Spanish when I had to speak.
We were in an industrial area, and we pulled up into a parking lot that faced a building that was about 120 feet long. The parking lot was full, and there was an entrance in the middle of the building.
Admission was 1 Sol ($0.30). You enter into a big open barn-like room with a dirt floor. There were tables and chairs all throughout, and at least 100 guys were in there talking and drinking. In the far, right corner was a bar, and in the far left corner was a stage (unused while we were there). Lined up along the inside of the entrance wall and the wall to the right were about 30 girls. These girls weren't dressed as hookers, exactly, but they were standing there, waiting for guys to talk to them. I didn't see anywhere for guys and girls to go to consummate their newfound love.
One of the guys went to the bar and got a couple of large bottles of beer to share. I don't drink, so I walked over and first tried for some water. No dice. They did, however, have Coca Cola (in Spanish, Coca Cola). The bartender put my soda on the bar, and I handed him a 10 Sol note. One of the girls walked by and jokingly asked me if the soda was for her. I told her that she could have it, and asked the bartender for another. I walked away without waiting for any change, so I have no idea what a Coca Cola runs at Anaconda, but the most they could be is 5 Soles each (probably less). They're about 2 Soles each in the supermarket.
The way it works at Anaconda is this: You get up off of your ass and walk up and down along where the girls are standing. If you see someone you like, you just stop and talk to her. Or you keep walking.
Once you hit it off with a girl, you walk out of the club and through the parking lot. Immediately to the right of the parking lot is a short stay hotel (very short stay). The fee for a half hour with any of the girls (there's no negotiating) is a flat 30 Soles ($9). That money covers the hotel, the condom, a cut for the club and oh yes, the girl's take.
In retrospect, the setup is closest to what you would find at Adelita Bar in Tijuana, without the strip show, and with a smaller choice of beverages. And at a much lower cost, too.
None of us went off with any of the girls. We finished our drinks, and piled back into the car for the short drive to Club Scarlets.
Club Scarlets
Los Yunques #5200
Los Olivos
522-4984
Open Daily until around 5 in the morning
www.clubscarlets.com
11° 58.539' S, 77° 03.774' W
In the introduction to this report, I spoke of some upscale clubs that had beautiful women available (both on-site and for take out) that ran in the $100-$200 range, when all was said and done. Those clubs are all clean, shiny, safe, air conditioned, and expensive (the cover at most of them is 50 Soles). These places advertise towards (among others) the tourist trade. Many of the taxi drivers that work where tourists can be found are always touting these clubs, and with good reason. These clubs charge big bucks, and they pay big commissions to the drivers.
Club Scarlets is all that, without the big prices, the commissions, and the tourists. Yet again, I got to be the only non-Peruvian in the place, but it didn't really matter here.
The outside of the club is big and shiny, as befits a 'Gentleman's Club'. You enter, pay your 25 Sol ($7.58) cover charge, and after you get frisked and your valuables are held for you, you have a choice of entering the room on the right, or going straight ahead to the main room (you can freely move back and forth between the two).
When we arrived, only the room on the right had a show going on (the main room opens at 12:30). The smaller room (it wasn't all that small) has a bar along the left wall, and on the right side are a bunch of tables surrounding the stage. A very pretty girl was stripping when we entered. The girls do two-song sets, topless during the second song, and totally naked only for the last few seconds.
The drinks came to our table (once again, these guys didn't let me even buy a round), and I got the low-down on what goes on at Scarlets. I was originally told that there were two levels of girls: the ones who danced and the ones that just hung in the bar. The price on the 'dancing' girls was US $100 plus 40 Soles for use of the room (I think - don't quote me on the room charge) for 40 minutes. Now, the girl on stage was beautiful, but not $115 worth of beautiful, considering what I have seen and done in Lima previously. The non-dancing girls were where, to me, the action seemed to be. These girls ranged from pretty to very pretty (and not a gordita in the house), and all of them could be had for 80 Soles ($24.24) for a half hour. I see why this place is popular. I think that the guy that explained all this to me said that there was a third option, but the music was loud and he was talking rapidly in Spanish, so I didn't make that part out.
We watched three or four girls dance, and then it was 12:30, so we moved to the main room. That room is real large, with lots of tables facing the big main stage at the far end of the room. The bar was on the left in the back of the room, and there were stairs leading to the upper area, which seemed to be just more seating, if the place gets crowded.
The show on the main stage was more of the same, with various very pretty girls doing their thing. I don't know if this happens every night, but all of the dancers were from countries other than Peru. It might have been international dancer night, or maybe they import the high-priced talent, I don't know.
After a bit, I got restless, so one of the guys and I walked around both rooms, where we ran into Jikaru and Cindy. The were both in the 19-to 21-year old range, the spinner-type that I usually wind up with everywhere I go. The other guy knew Jikaru from a previous encounter, and signaled me that she was a good date. With that in mind, I took an immediate liking to Jikaru, and since she seemed attached at the hip to Cindy, I invited them both back to the table to join us for a drink.
My friend recommended that I just take one or both them upstairs and have at it with them, as the drinks were going to be expensive. I told him that I didn't mind, that I wanted to hang with them first.
We get to the table and the girls immediately order slushy drinks with umbrellas and cherries in them - probably the most expensive thing on the menu. When the waiter brings the drinks, he also gives the girls a ficha (a ticket that they turn in later that night for a kickback on the drink price). The drinks were 30 Soles each ($9), so I didn't get hit all that hard. We spent the next few minutes watching the strippers and me getting in my $18 worth of fondling. When their drinks were gone, they asked me for another one, and I said maybe later, let's go upstairs. "Which one?," they asked. Thinking, "Hell, I have $50,", I went against my better judgment, and said, "Both of you. Let's go."
We go up some stairs, parade past some rooms, go down another hall, and around somewhere else until we get to a reception desk. The girls unsuccessfully try to upsell me to one hour, and the lady behind the desk asks me for 166 Soles and gives us two towels, to bars of soap, and two towels. I didn't ask what the extra 6 soles was for, and gave her my credit card.
No credit cards, she says. When I point out that they have mastercard and visa stickers plastered throughout the club, she tells me that's for admission and drinks, not the girls. I had cash, so I paid and we went on our way through more of a labyrinth until we reached a room that looked exactly like the other 50 that we had walked past.
The room had a nice sized, clean bed, and a bathroom with a shower. Much nicer than the rooms I had seen the last few days, and two steps up from the hotel above Adelita Bar in Tijuana, and one step up from the rooms at Club IDEM in San Jose.
We get naked, and then I remember my first rule of hookers: I never have had a good time with two girls that I have paid for. One of them always turns out to be the Alpha Hooker, and it's never the one that you want it to be.
In this case, Cindy became the boss. She was telling Jikaru what to do, and worse, she was telling me what to do. Don't get me wrong, things were sucked and inserted and thrusted and all the other things that are supposed to happen, but it was a half hour of stress. My instinct that I liked Jikaru was correct - she was just in it to have a good time and make some money, without all the hassle that Cindy brought to the table, er, bed.
I finally got to the point where I was tired of taking orders from some girl that I didn't like all that much, so I told Cindy to get off of me and wait on the edge of the bed. She didn't listen, and went in to the bathroom to shower (even better), while I finished up with Jikaru. While we were getting dressed, Cindy came back in with her lousy attitude, so I made a big show about getting Jikaru's phone number, so that I could call **her** another time. Cindy sulked, so Jikaru walked me back through the maze, back to where my friends were watching the show. I would repeat with Jikaru, and although I wasn't planning on calling her the next day, I will keep her number for future reference.
And what a show it was. Instead of strippers, when I got back to my ringside seat, one of our guys was up on stage, participating in a condom inflating contest. The hostess was some pretty, tall blonde with a huge rack, and she had the entire audience laughing along with the contest. Our guy lost, but he returned to the table a hero in our eyes!
For the next couple of hours, we were treated to a full-blown show. Between the occasional stripper, we were treated to some complete production dance numbers, featuring three or four dancing girls and three dancing boys, all outfitted with many costumes, and costume changes. There was a comedy skit involving a midget, some fat guy in a big black afro wig, and a pretty girl. Tarzan made an appearance as well. All in all, pretty entertaining.
When I mentioned to my friends that I was impressed that they got the strippers to participate in such elaborate shows, they explained to me that these weren't strippers, but that the club hired the entertainers to put on the show. And further, the smoking blonde with the huge rack was a Peruvian TV star named Maribel Velarde. That led to some questions:
RTG: Then the girls in the show aren't available to go upstairs?
AMIGO: I didn't say that. Of course they are. They're not the regular girls here, so if you want one, it will cost more.
RTG: How much more?
AMIGO: The girls in the show are $200, plus 40 Soles for the room, too. Which one do you want?
RTG: Er, none of them. I was just curious. Even the smoking blonde host?
AMIGO: Of course not. She's a famous TV star. If you want her, it will run you $400. Should I set it up for you?
RTG: Um, no thanks. I don't watch television.
It's true. I don't watch Peruvian television. Hell, I don't even watch much US-television. But if I was a rich Peru guy, and I wanted to sleep with a TV chick, this would have been my big chance. What an opportunity!
The show went on to about 4 in the morning. Once I knew that the hostess was famosa, it made the audience participation bits all that much funnier, because I now understood why all the guys were in awe of the blonde girl.
The show ends, and the club is still really crowded. There's still steady traffic of guys and girls going off together, but it was a long day, and we were dragging. It took a few minutes for us to get all together and leave. This was the end of my Lima Insider Hotspot Tour, so I said goodbye to my 'tour guides' that weren't coming along in the car with us. I got to thank each of the other ones as we dropped them off. Thank you isn't a strong enough term.
I can't say enough about the hospitality that the people I met through Perutops showed me. They didn't know me from Adam, but they took the time out of their busy lives to shuttle me around the various venues of Lima. Not only did they give generously of their time, but they just about had a fit any time I reached for my wallet. I don't think that I would have gotten the same feel for these P4P aspects of Lima in another dozen visits on my own. Thanks again, guys. I hope we can get together again on my next visit, but as friends, not as tourist and tour guides.
Did these guys take me anywhere secret, call in any favors, show me any private handshakes, avail me of any private stock chicas? No. But just the same, they provided me with an experience that I could not have gotten on my own. For example: