SUNDAY, APRIL 30, 2006
Back to *Normal?*

After yesterday's marathon, I didn't think that I was up for very much excitement on Sunday. I had some plans, but I wasn't going to go all out, that's for sure.

I slept until about 10:30 and checked my email. A guy from another message board had seen my travel schedule, and we had set up to meet at 11:30 to go to Relax y Vida and to get something to eat, not necessarily in that order.

I met him at the Maria Louisa, and we were both hungry. One problem - he had acquired a traveling party of a few more guys, and they were moving slowly this morning. We killed about 45 minutes until some of them had made an appearance, and then proceeded to play, "What Do You Want To Do?" This game is never fun for me, and the more people that you have playing it, the less fun it becomes

Add to that the fact that I wanted to go to La Mar again, and the one guy who had shown up was talking about eating on the cheap. It didn't look good. I told my original companion that I was going to La Mar, and maybe we could hook up later. I gave him my phone number, and he went to wait for the other guys.

Lunch at La Mar was - as ever - fabulous. I ate way too much food. And worse, I forgot that my camera was in my pocket, so the only memory of the delicious Tuna steak that I devoured will stay in my head.

After lunch, I grabbed a taxi and headed to Relax y Vida.

Banos Turcos Relax y Vida
Carlos Villaran #121
(Frente al Banco Interbank Via Expressa)
Santa Catalina - 265-5370
12° 05.366' S, 77° 01.291' W
Open daily from 10:00 AM until 10:00 PM
http://www.geocities.com/relax_y_vida

I have gone to Relax y Vida on every one of my trips. I love the place. Here's the drill, in a nutshell:

You enter and go into the waiting room. Anywhere from 3-10 young ladies (all 19- to 25-years old, and all with that girl next door who gets wild look) come over, kiss you on the cheek, and introduce themselves. You can have a drink if you'd like. Often, there's other guys in the room, too, either waiting for a specific girl, or just hanging out.

You select your date and go to a private room with a massage table. The hour includes the massage, and time in your private sauna. There's other choices, but that's the main deal. The price is 70 Soles ($21.21) and there is a customary tip as well. The tip was always a standard 30 Soles, but there has been a push lately from the girls for a 50 Sol tip. Me, I always have the time of my life, so I have never tipped less than 50, and at times, more.

The session goes like this: she helps you out of your clothes (usually with a break for a make out session) and has you lay down for a massage. The massages are usually decent, and end up with a young, naked girl lying on top of (or next to, or under, or something) you. These girls have been well coached to treat you like a king, and it shows. At this point, you head into the steam room and get body scrubbed, or something.

These sessions all wind up with a blow job, and usually a very good one. The rule at Relax y Vida is no Full Service, and with one exception, it has always gone this way. For some people, this is a deal breaker, but you get an hour with a young, pretty, girl who acts like she adores you, a great massage and a blow job to boot, and all for $40. I have never walked out of there not feeling special, and that's worth the price of admission alone.

So I get there, and the waiting room is full - there's about five girls, and the guys I didn't have lunch with are all there, too (there were four or five of them). After we discuss our meals, one of the guys tells me that they are probably leaving because there are no rooms available, and there won't be for an hour. This makes no sense to me: it's Sunday afternoon, there or only two cars parked in front, and there's five available girls. I'm not sure, but there are at least 6 rooms that I know of, and possibly as many as 10 or 12. The guys are being kinda rowdy, too, but I don't think that had anything to do with it.

The boss lady walks in. She didn't see me show up, but she recognizes me, gives me a peck on the cheek, and shoots the breeze with me for a few minutes. I tell her that I just got there and that I'm here all alone, and these guys say that there's no rooms available. She tells me that's nonsense, who do I want?

Well, the guy I met this morning said that he spent time with Vanessa yesterday, and it was a blast. Good enough for me, especially as Camilla no longer works there. I told the boss lady my choice, and she told me to sit down for a few minutes.

Five minutes later, Vanessa comes and gets me and we go up to one of the second floor rooms.

In retrospect, I think the problem that the guys had was one of communication. It looked like it was getting all settled as I was going upstairs, but I'm not sure. When I left, none of them were there.

The hour was everything I hoped it would be. Vanessa was a great kisser and gave a great massage. We went into the sauna, where I begged for full service and settled for an excellent blow job. Vanessa let me take one picture before I left. The hour lasts an hour and 15 minutes, so when I went downstairs, I felt like a million bucks, minus the 20 that I tipped Vanessa (66 Soles).

Photo: Vanessa 18

The boss lady always has the nerve to ask how the service was, and I look at her and say, magnifico, como siempre ('great, as always').

I went back to Miraflores and shopped for some Peruvian pottery for my mom for Mothers' Day. Even at the touristy places, the prices are reasonable, and I was too pooped to haggle much. I got a couple of large vases for $17 each that go for much more back home. I could have found them for $10 per vase, but I was dying to get to bed for a while.

I slept until about 6, and then I got dressed and headed to Casino Miraflores, where I again won some money.

Then I headed to see my waitress friend. She gave me a truckload of shit for not calling for two days. I put up a couple of mild protests, but basically, I took it. She told me that she got off of work at 9:30, and I could take her to dinner if I wanted.

I meet her at 9:40 a block away from her work, and I give her two choices: Italian or somewhere that serves paella. This was a brilliant move, because when I say, "where do you want to go?", I usually wind up hating what she suggests.

She voted for Italian, so we went to Mamma Lola for dinner.

Trattoria Mamma Lola
Av. Diez Canseco #119
(Directly across the street from Tequila Rock)
Miraflores - 241-6335
Open daily from noon to midnight
www.trattoriamammalola.com

Mamma Lola is a tourist Italian restaurant right smack dab in the middle of Miraflores, just a half block from Parque Central. Despite that, the food was passable, and the prices weren't exorbitant. They were a little high, but it was Sunday night, and they were close by and open. I wouldn't go there again just for the food, but it is a good place to have in your back pocket in a pinch.

So during dinner, we chatted. We talked about how people from the USA are different from people in Peru (she lives four generations in one apartment, and my parents & I live in the same city, both have spare bedrooms, and don't live together), and other such stuff.

Then she started to grill me: Why haven't I ever gotten married? Tell me about your last girlfriend and why you broke up? Tell me about your job? It went on for a while, and it led up to the obvious question: What the fuck are you doing here with me?

I think it bothers her that I have not been all that aggressive in trying to get her into bed. She's figured out that I'm not gay, and I bring her presents when I come, and I was nice to her mother and her kid, but I'm not making the right moves. She never actually asked the "WTF" question, but she let it hang in the air. I really had no answer, so I'm glad she passed on it. I like her, but I couldn't begin to list the problems that having some regular, working, single mother who lives in Peru as a girlfriend would entail.

We walked a little and stopped for some cappuccino before I announced that we were both tired and I was going to take her home. It was true, so it worked.

We don't talk much in the cab to her house. I tell the driver to wait for me to walk her in so that he can take me home, and I decide that leaving well enough alone is a stupid idea, so I open my big mouth.

RT and his amiga stop at her doorway.
RTG: You know, amiga, I like you very much.
AMIGA: Yeah, I think so. <mumbles>
RTG: The problem is, you live here and I live there. As much as I enjoy being with you, anything more than that would be difficult.
AMIGA: Uh huh.
RTG: I don't get here all that much. It's a shame you can't get a visa to come visit me.
AMIGA: Tell me about it. They're real hard to get, not to mention expensive. And talk about expensive, just think of the plane ticket!
RTG: Well, if you get the visa worked out, I will spring for the plane ticket. Unless we get to spend some time together, how can we tell?
AMIGA: Yup. At least we can talk on the phone more, Right?
RTG: Right.
RT and his amiga kiss each other good bye for a minute or two. She goes up to her apartment.

Why the hell do I do this? Here I am, whoring my way to nirvana, and I go screw it up by attempting a relationship with a regular girl who doesn't speak English, and lives 2,500 miles and two continents away. Sometimes I think that I shouldn't open my mouth, except to put food in it.

Anyway, I really was shot out tired, so the taxi takes me back to the hotel, and I fall into an immediate dead sleep. I have half a day tomorrow, but I'm pretty much done for this trip.

Great report....You write with a talent that lets me live your trip....

A friend of mine has been begging me to go to Lima with him....I always go to Rio and it is hard to break the habit.....

Now, this is just my opinion, of all the girls pics posted on Peru, Vanessa is the only cute one I have seen....Maybe I am wrong, I hope so....but....anyway, just my opinion...

RT here. Thanks, Diversity.

Cute? Sure, all you want. Pretty? Plenty.

Drop Dead Gorgeous? A few, but not in the quantities you Brazil guys claim.

But nowhere do the girls have it over the Peruanas in attitude, and for me, that's important.

Go with your friend -- it won't kill you.

(Message edited by rtgooch on May 17, 2006)