This report is supposed to be a little humorous, as I loved the province. So don’t take it as negative, just pointing out some downsides. And although this is a typical day, I had many very fun filled, even alcohol free days during my six months there.

Not sure if the gurgling in my intestines or the sunlight blasting through the cracks in the walls in to my eyes that woke me up. My right arm is totally asleep since I slept on it all night in order to face the electric fans. I roll over and see my Mary and take a moment to absorb her beauty. Away from the electric fans I can hear the noises of the day. I start to sit up, damn, my head is splitting. “HON, ibuprofen.” I half shout. She hands me two with her eyes still closed followed by a bottle of water. I lay there in a half sweat and trying to stretch out my shoulder. The gurgling in my stomach becomes pressure, “HON, CR na, sige”. She jumps out of bed knowing time is of the essence and we head out to the CR.

The toilet is so low, I have to grab her waist to counter balance myself while I sit down. Yeah, can see through the walls of the CR. Can see sis-in-law doing laundry, mom cooking rice, and kids playing through the banana leaf walls. As I sit there with the runs, as usual, a hen and her chicks pass behind me as if I wasn’t there, just go under the banana leaves and out. “Tapos” I say and she assumes the position for helping me up. She then bathes me head to toe and then herself while I dry off and put on my shorts.

We head back to our bedroom, depending on how hot it is decides if I want BJ or boom boom. She washes the dirt off my feet and we climb in bed. This of course is the highlight of the day. Afterwards a full body massage with lotion. She ask if I want to eat now, I tell her in an hour or so. She shouts “NAY, (then something else in Waray)” telling mom to my wishes. Finally I can’t take lying in the bed anymore. I head up to the living room thanking God the electric is on today. I bought the most comfortable couch I could find on the Island. The back of it comes half way up my back and the seat half way down my thighs. “’lectric fan!” I shout. Someone places the fans on me, “TV”, the TV gets turned on and remote placed in my hands. Soon as the sound of the TV is heard, a half dozen pre-school kids fill the floor in front of me.

Before my legs fall asleep I stand up to stretch and take a look outside. Damn it’s hot. Too hot. I go sit back down, trying another position. I think to myself of what to do today. Hike down to the sea, back breaking drive to waterfalls, picnic? Damn it’s hot. “HON!”. Seconds later she at my side. I tell her I’m hungry and she goes into the kitchen to help mom prepare my brunch. The usual is fried potatoes and onions, bacon and eggs. After I eat it’s usually CR time so we go through the routine again. I drink a few bottles of water that was boiled the day before.

I sit there a while longer. People going in and out. My pet monkey, Leroy, tries to keep me entertained and does until his diaper needs changed. Walk outside again thinking “I need some exercise.” Damn it’s hot! “HON!”, seconds later, “Rum and Coke” I tell her. She shouts something and a few minutes later a picture of Rum and Coke with ice is set before me. On a good day there is plenty to watch on TV. On a bad day I just get more drunk. Mid afternoon the school kids get home. A gecko is handed to me and I place it on the shelf behind me in hopes it will stay and protect me from the mosquitoes that will surely appear in a few hours.

As evening approaches out comes the bug spray and the playing cards. Tongits is the name of the game and pesos are won and lost. If nothing is on TV I’ll join in, if there is, I’m shouting “Saba!” (quiet!) the rest of the night. Another CR/bedroom session usually happens before I consciously drink too much, knowing I might end up without in the end of the evening.

Mom comes to me and says “You eat now?”. I say “Yes please” and she goes off to fix my dinner. Both my girl and mom are excellent in the kitchen so another highlight of the day is approaching. Some random relatives come and go, attempt small talk with me, but usually ends up in awkward silence. Soon my meal is placed in front of me and I eat my fill. Always too much for me to eat, so Mary eats her fill, then the rest is sora (the side dish to go along with their rice) for the rest of the family. If the family wants, I’ll buy some tuba (coconut wine) for them and maybe the karaoke will fire up.

“HON, sleep na”. She kicks awake a boy sleeping on the living room floor. He gets up and moves the fans down to the bedroom and fetches the arinola (bucket to take piss during the night). We do the CR thing one last time and off to bed. After sex (if I can) Mary gives me my total body massage. Then in go the earplugs and I pray for no brown out during the night. And so goes my life in the province.

Bud, that was VERY well written and I hung on every word. Not sure why going to the CR was such an event/ordeal, though!

You say you loved your time there in the jungle, but you make it sound like your were bored silly and that it was infernally hot. Also the mosquitoes combine to make it sound like one of the circles of hell!

But you do a fantastic job describing simple pleasures and being treated like a GOD. There is a great scene in a GREAT movie, "Treasure of the the Sierra Madre", where Walter Huston becomes like a god to some Indian tribe in Mexico after resuscitating a kid that had nearly drowned. He was lying in a hammock with a bottle of booze being fanned by native women, and the shit-eating grin on his face made the point that he was a lot happier THIS way than when he'd struck it rich in the gold mine earlier in the film.

How many MILLIONS of men in the USA do you think would like to live out that experience for just ONE day?

Bud, thanks for sharing that story.

The big deal of the CR thing, imagine a soapy standing up? Yeah, it was boring most days, and my 6 months in AC got to be boring as well. Here in Puerto Galera now I have just about the best of both worlds, well, so far.

Bud

WHen a girl helps you take a shit when you have the runs and then asks if you want a BJ or food..that's real love....lol..great stuff.

Mary is a great girl bud. You got it lucky. Dont know how you can live like that. I am to much of a pussy for it. I do commend you for it.

Dont lose touch

Great vignette, Bud, thanks. Porker said it very well. Best of luck to you in Puerto Galera.

I seem to recall that you were going to build a house on the beach out there in the province, it sounded really idyllic (as opposed to the realistic you described above)? What happened with that?

DId you really have the runs most of the time?

Great story but it sounds like you are slowly fading away between the runs and the boredom. Best of luck and keep us posted.

The whole province idea is not out of the question yet. I'm still experimenting with locations here. Beach house is still a definate possibility. As far as the runs, well, alcohol, heat, and some stress I'm sure are factors. Lately I've pretty much stopped drinking, getting excersise in the pool daily, and of course still got my girl.

Bud

Reading that was fully as enjoyable as reading Thoreau's description of life at Walden Pond.

Yours is a terrific description of life for the masses of humans in the Philippines, with the exception of the abundance of food that you had to eat. I once had a similar experience in a remote part of Mindanao, but it was "only" for a month. The days that the electricity was off were pure hell, no pun intended.

In AC, on the other hand, the blackouts have been mostly brief, so it has not cost me all that much to run my generator. (It holds 20 liters, which at nearly P42/liter of gas costs me P840 to fill up). In fact, in the 2 or so years that I've had it, I'm quite certain I've yet to consume the original 20 liters that I put in it.

You essay makes clear why so many girls prefer life in AC, even at the bars' crowded stay-ins, to their former lives in the provinces.

If you have a permanent HK, I can understand why life for you in AC was as boring as elsewhere. The charm of Balibago is the ability to experience an endless variety of gorgeous, but temporary, young wives, provided one has an income of, say, $US2000/month (even $US1000/month would be sufficient, if one is willing to engage in "sneakouts").

Among the other nice things about AC are the numerous shopping venues and the decent broadband service that is provided by ComClark. Also, it's very convenient to be able to walk to most places one needs to frequent regularly (for example, the 7-11 on Field Ave.).

I for one am looking forward to reading how the PG experiment works out.

Thanks for sharing your experiences.

great reading u got it made