Russia / FSU Update - Report 2
Moscow Russia August 2005

This was my 2nd (August 2005) and it was a bust. Too much client entertaining and too much vodka. We tried to do the Trifecta (Night Flight – Safari Lodge – Boar House) but we had some Russians with us who insisted on drinking waaaaay to much vodka. I had flown directly to Moscow from the States and the jet lag was kicking my ass. After dinner at Night Flight and some lap dancing at the Safari Lodge, it was all I could do to stay awake. But the guys wanted to go to the Boar House so we went outside to get a cab. As usual, there were several cab out front and one of the guy (who actually grew up in Azerbaijan) started negotiating with the driver of a nice Audi. But Al thought it was going to be too expensive so he started talking to the driver of a broken down Lada. Against all better judgment, four of us got into the Lada and two others went in the Audi. Bad move on my part because we were half way to the Board House when we got pulled over by the local Police. The guy who was born in Azerbaijan sat up front and is a rather dark skinned, dark haired guy. The other three of us were crammed in the back of the Lada. When the police saw us go by, he must have thought that we were a group of illegals from one of the “Stans” (Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan, Turkmenistan, or perhaps Armenia). Russians from Moscow and Saint Petersburg are a little bit racist and they don’t particularly like people from the former Soviet republics so when they saw us they thought they were going to be able to shake us down for money hoping that our paper work wasn’t in order. They hauled us out of the car and started demanding to see our passports. BTW – EVERYONE in Russia is required to carry a passport which is really a generic term for identification. If the cops ask for it, you have to show it. No big deal. Another thing you need to know is that you MUST have your passport registered with the authorities within 48 hours of arriving (I think). Normally you give your passport to the hotel desk and they take care of it in a few hours. One of our group had just arrived a few hours before we went out so he had not picked it up from the front desk before we left. We explained this to the pimply faced cop (who looked to be about 17) but he seemed unimpressed and told us would have to go down to the police station and pay a fine. I don’t know what came over me but I got so pissed off that I pulled out my cell phone, pretended to call the US Embassy (in Moscow) and asked the cop which police station he was taking us to so that the duty officer could send someone down to sort this out. Now the cop started yelling, telling me to shut up and put my phone away. The supervisor stepped out of the police van and told everyone to calm down. He pulled the young cop off to the side and had a few words with him. I don’t know what he actually said but he must not have wanted to create an international incident. If he couldn’t get cash out of us on the spot, he wasn’t interested in taking us down to the station. The young cop went back to the van and the supervisor politely suggested that we go straight back to the hotel and not venture out again without proper identification.

So naturally, we thanked him and got back in the cab and told the driver to keep heading for the Boar House. The whole affair with the cop must have been too much for me because I barely remember walking in and I certainly don’t remember leaving either. What I do remember is waking up the next morning at the hotel with splitting headache and someone next to me in bed. Oh – my – God. What the hell happened. I had not done anything like this since college. Mongering is one thing, but drinking yourself into a fog in Moscow is something else indeed. When my eyes focused again I could see that I was in bed with an African girl and my heart stopped. Not because I am a racist but because Moscow has a serious problem with SDTs and HIV and there is more than an insignificant number of skanky hookers from Uganda running around Moscow. I looked on the floor beside the bed and saw my clothes piled in a heap. I felt around me loins and was relieved to discover that I still had my underwear on. WHEW! I reached over and pick up my pants and tried to find my passport and my wallet. Those were the last things I needed to have missing. I search all the pockets and came up empty. I reached for my cell phone and realized that I didn’t have that either. I woke up my little friend and quizzed her about where we had met and whether she knew where my wallet, passport and phone might be. It was like setting off a bomb.

This girl started yelling at me and giving me so much shit that I wished the cops would have taken me to jail the night before. Clearly this gal came home with me hoping for a date but ended up babysitting a drunk. According to my little “Gandy Girl” I was so drunk and sleepy that she had to hold me up at the bar for hours. When I asked again about my wallet and passport she said she didn’t know where they were and that I should ask my friends. I called AL and he burst into laughter and asked me how “my friend” was. According to Al, she invited herself over and decided to be my chaperone for the evening while I dealt with my jet lag and vodka. I asked him about my valuables and he suggested I try the hotel safe. I punched the numbers into the keypad and what do you know? There they were. How I had the presence of mind to open the safe and put that stuff away I’ll never know. But I made a decision right there and then about my future policy for Moscow and vodka.

Oh – BTW, the Gandy girl was still wearing bra and panties so clearly we had not done anything that I would regret later. Still, she had a smoking body but by now I was so pissed off and hung over that I wasn’t much good for anything. She bitched at me until I gave her $100 and told her to get the hell out. Lessons learned? Well for one thing, if you are serious about mongering – stay off the vodka. Also – the Boar House ( and all of Moscow for that matter) is filled with all sorts of shady characters. There is plenty of opportunity for some first class pussy at good prices, but you need to keep your wits about you.

LOL.

Funny story.

Been there done that.

Glad you, your passport, and money are safe.

Thanks for sharing.