Russia / FSU Update
Trip Report – Almaty, Kazakhstan October 2005

Traveling to Almaty, Kazakhstan was quite a trip in itself. The former capital is actually in Central Asia but since it’s part of the Former Soviet Union, I suppose we can treat is as part of Russia. At any rate, it is a long way away from just about anywhere. It’s GMT +6 so it’s six hours ahead of London and 12 hours ahead of USA Central time. You know – day is night and night is day. My flight from Amsterdam arrived at about 2:00 AM local time and was happy to see that the airport is brand new and, compared with Moscow, is pretty nice and efficient. Immigration did not take more than about 40 minutes and by the time I found the car that was sent for me by the hotel it was 3:30 AM when I got to the hotel. I was staying at the Astana International which is nothing special - certainly average by western standards. As is often the custom with eastern hotels, there was two small single beds in the room. Not exactly what I had in mind. I thought about asking for a room with a double bed, but was so beat that I decided to let it wait until later. I should have gone out prowling because all I did was toss and turn until after 5:00 AM, but I did eventually fall asleep and woke up around 9:00 AM. I staggered over to the window to get a look around as there was plenty of sunshine streaming in through the curtains. I don’t know what I was expecting because when I draw back the curtains I was staring right out at mountain peaks that rose up in excess of 10,000. Not to bore anyone with a geography lesson, but Almaty (formerly Alma Ata) is located at the foot of the Tien Shan mountains and less than 100 miles from the Chinese border.

I showered and dressed and went downstairs for breakfast. It was a beautiful sunny day and decided immediately to go out exploring. Almaty is a very interesting place with all sorts of strange architecture. There are old Soviet era buildings surrounded by a lot of new construction that is being built in only what I can describe as nouveau-Kazak. Basically western with some central Asia influence. Lots of smiling people who were predominantly Asian in appearance interspersed with more Russian looking people. Clearly the result of 80 years of Soviet integration. There was some sort of festival going on as many of the streets were blocked off and people were walking and congregating in the main square in front of the government buildings. On first glance the younger women were very pretty and they all smiled at you when you went by. Plenty of sweet young things working at the hotel in the restaurant and bar too but probably off limits I decided. By 4:00 PM I was beat, the jet lag thing was starting to hit me so I figured the best thing to do was go back to the hotel and catch some ZZZZZZZ’s. Good idea, because I awoke around 8:00 PM and was hungry enough to eat a horse.

Before leaving for K-stan I looked on the Internet and saw that there were plenty of western style restaurants and bars in Almaty. The oil industry is alive and well in Kazakhstan so there is no shortage of expats milling around. So naturally, I gravitated to Mad Murphy’s Irish Pub looking for a nice meal and pint and maybe run into someone who could get me oriented. Murphy’s was only a short walk away and the stroll was good to clear out the cob webs. I sat down at the bar and ordered a Stella Artois. Funny how the names of beer is a universal language. Thankfully the menu was in English as well as in Russian and I ordered Fish and Chips. I asked the bar tender what the fish was and he called it something I had never heard of. Not Cod or Halibut that’s for sure. But I tasted just fine so no complaints. I was barely into my second beer when I heard some familiar voices come in the door behind me. It was a group of Brits that I had met the previous June in Moscow. They were with some British women who weren’t half bad looking but certainly of no interest to me. They saw me and invited me to join them so I figured I shouldn’t be rude and shelved all idea of mongering for that night. As predicted, beer eventually led to Vodka and by 2:00 AM the Brits were ready to call it a night. Since my Russian was better then theirs I helped to secure pirate taxis for all of them and got them headed to their hotels. I got into a cab with a couple of young guys who seemed to still be up for some action so I asked the cab driver if he know of a couple of strip clubs that I had seen online. Clearly the info on the web was dated because both of the places turned out to be shut down and dark. We tried two or three but they were all closed WTF? By now, the lads are losing interest and their sense of adventure so I told the driver to take them back to their hotel. Once they were out of the car, I asked the driver where there are some girls for sex. Ahhhh – no problem he answers. “We go Club Petroleum”. Oh great I thought, this guy is going to take me to the Petroleum Club. I had visions of a bunch of old oil patch horn dogs sitting around gawking at skanky whores so I wasn’t too enthused right away but I was curious so I said “Davai Padyom” – let’s go. When we arrived at the Club Petroleum, I was relieved to see an upscale dance club with bright lights and bouncers (always a good sign) doing face control. These guys were there to keep out the ugly chicks and the guys who were too trashed to behave. Not a bad policy. I walked upstairs, paid the cover charge (which was 1,000 Tenge or about $8.00) and walked inside.

On first glance it looked like your regular dance club type disco place with a large dance floor and a slightly elevated lounge area with a bar off to one side. It was pretty relatively empty so I just headed up to the bar and ordered a Heineken. What I did not realize was that at this place, sitting at the bar meant that you were looking for action so a girl appeared on the stool beside me before I got the bottle to my lips. Right away she said hello and asked if I wanted sex. So much for chit chat. She was a nice little package who was clearly a local Kazak. Could not have been taller than 5 feet with jet black hair and a sweet looking face that had the classic Kazak nose that was small but not quite Chinese. Since she was fully clothed it was hard to tell about the body at this point. It was pushing 3:30 AM and I was wide awake (jet lag) with just enough vodka in my system to speak passable Russian. I told her that I was looking for sex but wanted to look around first. This must have been taken as a challenge because my new friend starting pointing out the other girls that were there and told me why I should not take them back to my hotel. “That one do drugs”, “that one drink too much vodka”, “that one too old” and so on. As I followed her gestures around the room, I saw this striking white Russian girl that bore a striking resemblance to Marilyn Monroe – she wearing a short flowing white dress. You know the one I mean – the one in “Some like it hot” where she stands over the air vent. Malika (my new friend) followed my glance to her and told me, “Nooooo, you no want Sasha. She big trouble. Too much money - big trouble”. I took this as my cue to start the negotiations and asked her how much she would charge for a few hours of her time. She wanted $250 to stay the night and told her I would pay $100. After some bazaar style haggling we settled on $150 but she could not guarantee that she would stay the night. No problem. I offered her a drink for the road and she explained that she did not drink alcohol but she would have a Red Bull and she though it would be a good idea for me have one too. What is it with Russians and Red Bull?. “Red Bull make you strong for sex”, she said. My kinda girl. So we downed the Red Bulls, settled the bar bill and headed for the door. I was pleasantly surprised when I learned that I did not have to pay an “exit fee” to leave with a girl as I did when I visited the Boar House in Moscow the previous June. We got a cab and headed to my hotel.

When the door to the lift closed I slipped my hand into the back pocket of her tight little jeans. I could tell that she had a sense of humor because without blinking she reached over and grabbed my crotch; this was going to be a fun night. Once inside the room she was all business. She asked for her money and I responded by telling her that she could have her choice between dollars or Tenge. She explain to me that she preferred dollars as she had concerns about the stability of the Tenge at this time, however Euros would be even better if I had them. Who the hell was this girl? I learned later that she was a Economics student at the local university specializing in International Business – no surprise there. I peeled off three $50’s and she headed off to the bathroom to take a shower. While she was in the shower I cursed my earlier decision about the single beds and thought I could fix things by moving the beds together. Easier said than done. She came out of the bathroom seeing me struggling with the beds and shook her head. She must have thought I was crazy. I took my turn in the shower and came out to see her lying naked on the bed watching the Kazak version of MTV. She had nice B cup breasts and was clean shaven except for the narrowest of little pelts that rose no more than in inch above her slit. She must have brought her own shower soap because she smelled wonderful and we rolled around and played grab-ass for a while before she whipped open a condom package and did that nice little trick where she put it on me with her mouth. Damn, I like that trick.

What happened next remains a surprise to me because it’s not something I normally do. I don’t know if it was the vodka or if it was the girl or the jet lag, but I took leave of my better sense and started kissing her belly and got myself between her legs and started in on a session of DATY. Not that I don’t enjoy a good meal, but with these girls – well you know what I mean. When I got started she just about jumped out of bed she was so surprised. I learned that the Russian guys are not in the habit of giving their women oral favors. She was quite surprised and delighted that I was offering to tickle her clit with my tongue. She seemed quite hesitant at first but with a little persistence from me, any resistance melted away quickly. This could not have been a common occurrence for her because frankly I don’t think I’m that good and she wasn’t that good an actress. Regardless, we both enjoyed it immensely as she climaxed in a frenzy. I’m such a stud (yeah, right – in my dreams). Eager to reciprocate, we changed positions and she climbed on top of me ready to ride. She was still pretty wet so I slid into her with ease but before she could get settled she stopped and said “Ochen Bolshoi” – too big. Now, this really set me back because while I’m not exactly a squirrel in that department, I’m certainly no John Holmes either so you can imagine my surprise at hearing this. She suggested we try a little doggie style to see if that might work a little better. Again, I slid in gently but once more she stopped me and protested after a couple of strokes, “Bolshoi”. On the one hand, this was doing wonders for my ego, but I was starting to get a little concerned that I was dealing with a rookie. Not that there’s anything wrong with that except I wasn’t in the mood for an on-the-job training session. We went to the missionary position and this seemed to have done the trick and gave us the right geometry. Ever so carefully I increased the rhythm until she was comfortable and maintained a steady pace until I popped and she let out a squeal of glee which I’m sure was a just good acting. Aw hell, I appreciated the effort so it was not big deal. I’m not sure what time it was but we both drifted off to sleep and didn’t wake until after 10:00 AM. In the light of day, I could see that I was “cradle robbing” as she could not have been more than 19. I don’t think she was too experienced at this. We both woke up and had time for one more little session of missionary style before she rinsed off, got dressed, blew me a kiss and eased out the door without another word.

A few nights later I found myself at odds after a business dinner. We ended up at the Tinkov Brew Pub which is brand new. The décor reminded me of California Pizza Kitchen with decent food and a half dozen or so local brews. It was 11:00 PM when I got back to the hotel and I was wide awake from jet lag again. This was my last full night in Almaty and no real new leads on places to hunt. Rather than risking another taxi tour of Almaty, I decided to head back to Club Petroleum. I was a lot more lucid this time and was determined to pace myself this time around. Rather than making my way to the bar right away I chose a table off to the side where I could get a good view of the dance floor. Unlike last time, this place was packed with GDP and prospects alike. The mood was pretty festive and fun. The Marilyn Monroe look alike was on her usual perch and this time she had a friend. I tried to make eye contact but these two were not buying it. They seems to be engrossed in deep conversation. Obviously they had something going one that they did not want time to be part of. No big deal – there were plenty of other beauties there that night. The waitress who brought me my now empty beer seemed to have vanished into thin air so I wandered up to the bar to get myself another. Oh, oh – guess who was there? Malika the mysterious. She waved and smiled from across the bar and motioned me over. I came by and said hi and she offered to buy me a drink. I liked this little fox. She introduced me to her friend who was also a Kazak but not as nice looking. For the life of me I cannot remember her name. Same basic build. A little taller and bigger tits, but she just didn’t have the face. After a little chit chat, Malika starts trying to fix me up with her friend. I politely declined and started checking out some of the other talent but Malika was persistent in brokering a deal. Again I declined and asked her why she was in such a hurry to slag me off to her friend. Was I not man enough to satisfy her the other night? I’d never seen a Kazak girl blush but she was clearly doing it. I think she was amazed that I would be ready to take her home again so soon without trying some variety. To tell you the truth, so was I but before you knew it, we were back in the taxi heading for the hotel.
Tonight’s session was decidedly more animated. I suppose I could have had a three way with her and her friend but I just wasn’t into it that night. She seemed to be more comfortable with me this time because before either one of us had even showered, she had my pants off and a condom on me before I knew what was happening. I hadn’t even paid her yet! After a CBJ she hopped in the shower and I fixed myself a drink. The Russians and the Kazaks don’t seem to go for the BBBJ like the Latinas do. While they are not shy, they have some pretty firm ideas about what they will and won’t do. They seem to like screwing as much as the Latinas but it seems to take a little more to get them relaxed and uninhibited. After fixing Malika a Red Bull from the mini-bar I jumped in the shower for a quick rinse. When I came out, she had a serious look on her face and wanted to know why I was circumcised. For crying out loud that was a new one! She explained that while all of the local men she knew were cut, none of the foreigners she had been with were. I suppose she thought all foreigners were au natural. Then it dawned on me – while most Russians who were had a religious affiliation were Orthodox, most of the ethnic Kazaks were Muslim and were circumcised. Hold on a second – I had been banging a Muslim girl. Another first for me. Not that there’s anything wrong with that mind you. BTW – I’m not Muslin or Jewish in case anyone really cares – just circumcised. But I digress.

So after our little cultural anatomy lesson, we got back to the task at hand. This time I opted out of the DATY and tried to figure out how I was going to have some fun without hurting this delicate little spinner. Like the night before, we didn’t have much luck with the doggie style and when I touched her ass hole, she made it real clear that we weren’t going there either. After a slow deliberate period of missionary position, I got her back on top of me and had her make another attempt at CG. Again, she complained so I had her reverse around and try it that way. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner! With her hands on my knees she was able to control depth and speed until she got comfortable and then we were off to the races. I popped after only a few minutes and she didn’t even want to slow down. As long as I stayed hard she was determined to ride. Unfortunately, the ride didn’t last too long but it seemed enough to be enough to keep her happy. Malika was the strangest GDP experience I ever had to that point and ever since.

While that was the last encounter of my Almaty trip, I can’t end this report without telling you about another place I visited on my last evening in Kazakhstan. My flight was schedule for 3:00 AM from Almaty to Amsterdam. Which meant that I needed to be at the airport by 1:00 AM. I had planned to have dinner with clients and some other expats at an Italian restaurant located in the hills above Almaty that I just can’t remember the name of. Great food though. Before I left for the restaurant I had packed up all of my luggage and got ready for a quick departure. We were done with dinner by 10:00 PM and one of the expats suggested we stop by the bar for a nightcap so we went to the SOHO Restaurant & Bar. I don’t know how I missed this place but if anyone ever goes to Almaty make sure it is on the list. The place was packed with all sorts of talent. Had I not been getting ready to get on a plane in a few hours, I would definitely had scored. And I might not have even had to pay! We were only there for a little more than two hours but had several invitations to dance and even a few inquiries as to my plans for the evening. Just my luck. SOHO is a MUST VISIT for next time. Just ask a taxi driver to take you to SOHO and he will know where to go.

I find the same with Thai woman, there a bit unsure when you shove your tongue down there, but start to enjoy it when you get going.

Great report. However, the billowing dress on Marilyn is from "The Seven Year Itch."

good report Riojake, again interesting to know how fellow mongers do their duty around the WORLD !!
Btw redbus,, you do that to Thai girls ???
my good-ness,, no wonder your face is so red !!

I must admit that was funny mong, at first reading your post, i thought, how does he know that my face is red, he has never met me.

This report is super thank you, but, no pics????? Where are the blue-eyed russian girls?

Great to see reports from Central Asia and Russia. Two under reported areas on Club Hombre. Thanks

Andres,

LOL, Where have you been!!!???? Glad to see you make a re-appearance with your oh so predictable bitching about no pics. So tell us, what ever happened with YOUR visit to the PI to meet your web cam bride. You never gave us a follow-up. I would love to read your report and SEE YOUR PICS!

Blue eyed Russians mainly come from the Finland end of Russia, above europe.

I know, I know - no pics. I just got a small digital camera so all future trips will be documented photographically.

Dear fellows, I did go to phillipines to meet a beautiful girl I met through match.com. It was a disaster. They all tried to take advantage of my good will. I felt too ashamed to talk about it. That is why I did not post a report.

andres -- a couple pumps and an oz deposit is all the goodwill u need

RioJ, enjoyed your report, espec. since I'm such a fan of "Borat". There's defintely a mystique about the Central Asian gals from the "stans", ran into a few in Indonesia and Macau -- a few very exotic looking and pretty the ones I saw.

AndresB! Good to hear from you, nothing to be embarassed about. We've all shared our disasters for all to see, so how about posting a few pics of the refrigerator you shipped or the restaurant outing with 30+ "cousins".

I will try to write and post my experiences but it might take me some time drafting it. I don't want to bore anyone with my experiences.

To give you a preview:

1. I did not ship a refrigerator but cash.

2. I did receive one letter with pics from one of the uncles I met. I ignored it.

3. I did have to buy stuff for the brother.

4. Philippines Airlines was like a cattle truck. I met a 70 year old phillippine lady, with arthritis, on the plane. The people on the back layed their socks next to my head.

5. A few months after I came back, I found this girl had a boyfriend behind my back months before I met her. I found their pics on friendster.com. They are still together.

6. The most action I had were a few kisses under the watchful eyes of mom and sister

7. Just the trip, tickets, car rental, expenses, cost me about $2000. The above is what I got in return.

Horrible memories...

Please let me know if you still want a report ...

AndresB, you should be writing movie trailers, b/c your preview has gotten me to stop everything in anticipation of your report. Pls do post the TR and pics and think of it as public service to others. I was kidding BTW w/the refrigerator, although one HK did ask for one.

Riojake, sorry for hijacking your thread, but AndresB is like the long lost brother.

Andres,

No need to be embarassed here, all of us have learned some lessons the hard way and have had such disasters. (Well accept maybe Don Marco who only has exceptional experiences -- just ask him.) Anyway I think most of us have learned first hand, rather than heeding the advice given prior, the Philippines is filled the most unscrupulous and shameless moochers on the planet.

But hey once you figure that out and learn to side step it. It certainly can be one of the wildest and fun monger locals out there. And it's reasonably cheap too.

Personally I find trip reports of such misadventures to be more interesting, entertaining, and educational than the the self congratulatory crap (which I am sure I contribute more than my fair share of.) So I do hope to read your trip reports. Furthermore I hope you got/get back in the saddle and have some more positive experiences.

No worries guys - happy to facilitate. Misadventure is part of the fun.
Andres - I agree with Merlin. You have captured my curiosity now. Spill the beans! Share the experience. That's part of what this site is for (I think).
Jake

I am in AC right now and I have my own little mini-drama starting to unfold. It's my own fault.

So MX is right. Sharing ALL aspects of the hobby keeps the board compelling.

I will document my own little misstep in my trip report.

Please be patient. I am busy with some projects and will put my write about my experiences as soon as I can.

Oh, I forgot to mention....all this happened in August 2005, the same week hurricane Katrina passed through Florida where I reside!