• The flight ain’t that bad! – One of the things that kept me from going to SEA was dreading the long flight from LA. Honestly, it wasn’t that bad. I managed to sleep for about 7 of the 14 hours of the flight there, mainly due to the fact that I had been awake for the previous 24 hours. In fact, the 10-hour layover I had in LA sucked WAY more than the flight from LA to Taipei.

• EVA is a quality ride – This was my first trip on EVA Air and I have to say that I was impressed. Not so much with the plane (I had a 747-400 Combi from LA to Taipei and back) which was adequate at best, but with the flight attendants. All of the 14 flight attendants on my plane were “doable.” Sure, there were a couple of horse faces among them, but they were uniformly slim and very customer-service oriented. What a huge change from the elderly COWS that are employed as flying waitresses on U.S. carriers. I rode economy class on the LA – Taipei legs and it was okay. Somehow, I got put in Evergreen Deluxe on both Taipei – Manila legs. I can see where some of you might like the upgrade as there is a bit more room in those seats. However, for cheap-asses like myself, I was more than satisfied with my economy selection.

• A good cover story is a must – I sat beside two elderly Filipina ladies on the LA – Taipei leg of the trip. Of course, once they found out I was going to the PI, they wanted to know what I would be doing there. I couldn’t tell them that I was headed to Angeles to bang the shit out of their fellow countrywomen so I spun a tale about being the owner of Barone Sanitation and was heading to a conference on how to use trash instead of oil to create electricity in power plants. I’m sure they didn’t buy it, but I had fun selling it. (If you’re a Soprano’s fan, you’ll recognize the genius in my bullshit.)

• Traffic in Manila is just stupid – Let me make a qualifying statement before discussing this – I live in Mexico. Mexicans are (how can I say this in a nice way) aggressive drivers. Filipino drivers make Mexican drivers look like pussies. The streets of Manila are congested beyond belief. I took the bus to AC (a great deal as the bus ticket cost about half – 128 pesos – of what the combined taxi/trike fare did at either end of the journey.) It took a little over 2 hours to make the trip to AC. More than half of that time was spent in traffic in Manila. On the way back to the airport, I arranged a car from the hotel. It took over 3 hours to get to the airport but only 1 hour to get to Manila. Apparently, there are no “by-passes” around downtown Manila so you get to hit every stoplight in the city. It sucks!

• A lot smaller than I thought – Before leaving I read every trip report and thread on the board and studied Wayne’s AC map to get ready. The mental image that I made of AC turned out to be off base. First, AC is MUCH smaller than I thought. I could (and did) walk from the bars on the lower end of Fields (Misty’s/Blue Nile) to the bars on the upper end of Fields (D’Club/Insomnia) in 10 minutes without breaking a sweat. On a couple of occasions, I walked from my hotel (Swiss Chalet) to Rio’s/Nifty’s in about 15 minutes. Second, AC is much “lower-rent” than I thought. I read that the Philippines are the “Mexico” of SEA. Frankly, I think that’s an insult to Mexico. However, I can see the resemblance between Angeles and many of the Mexican border towns.

• We are not in big-man country – If you’re a tall guy like myself, beware of low-hanging shit. One afternoon, Icarus and I were heading to the jeepney station to catch a ride up perimeter when I whacked the shit out of my head on something. I actually cut my head, which probably would have been worse except for the protection offered by my ballcap. Everywhere I went, I was looking eye-level at ceilings, signs or wires. I also found that folding myself into a trike was like an exercise in origami. I’m only 6’2” and weigh about 240 pounds, but getting my fat ass into a trike was always an ordeal. Eventually I discovered that the trikes without a back window allowed me to stick my head out – much like Dino in the opening sequence of the Flintstones – and that offered some comfort. Jeepney’s are almost as bad as I found the ceilings to be about 6” too low. I would try to get into the front seat if it was available, but was often forced to crawl like a mole entering his tunnel into the back.

• Friendly little Pinays – One of the things I saw that I never read about is the cute way that Filipinas have of either holding hands or walking arm-in-arm down the street. I think it is adorable, but really it’s probably churning up some deep-seated lesbian fantasies I have. Someone told me that Filipinos do the same thing although I never personally witnessed that. I also enjoyed the way that a Filipina would immediately put her hand over her mouth if you said something that remotely embarrassed her. It is almost too cute.

• The best seat in town – The best seat in town for taking in the sights is at the rail at Kokomo’s. It’s right in the heart of the bars and a great place to watch the bargirls coming to work about 5:00 – 6:00 PM. Of course, it can get a little hot and the flies just add to the ambiance. The Dollhouse Restaurant also has a rail and is air-conditioned, but the view isn’t as good. Runner-up is the rail at Sub-Delicious. 20 peso draft beers here is the only incentive some of you will need to check out this venue.

• The lone wolf – I really enjoyed meeting up with the guys to eat, barhop or just shoot-the-shit. However, when it came time to pick a girl I had to bail and head out for the solitary hunt. I’m not sure why this is, perhaps I’m just a lone wolf. So if I ever meet you in Angeles and suddenly excuse myself, you’ll know where I’m headed.

• The most overused word in town – When I was growing up, you called someone “sir” as a sign of respect. In Angeles, the word “sir” gets thrown around so much that it loses all meaning. “Sir, Dirty Duck, sir.” “Sir, Happy Hour, sir.” “Sir, have a seat, sir.” “Sir, you choose girl now, sir.” “Sir, thank you for coming, sir.” The second most overused word, “boss.” When you hear that, you know someone is about to try to sell you something. “Hey Boss, you need Viagra, Cialis?” Third most overused word, “TRIKE!”

• Jet lag? We don’t need no stinking jet lag – I really didn’t have any trouble adjusting to the time difference. One of the tips I read to try to get your body clock adjusted as quickly as possible was to set your watch to your destination time while on the plane and try to get into the wake/sleep cycle of your destination as soon as you can. It seemed to work okay. In fact, the only jet lag-type incident that I can remember was nearly falling asleep in Shadow Bar and Heartbreaker while barhopping with BigBalls and Porker. That wouldn’t be bad at 2:00 AM, but it was only about 8:00 PM. I excused myself, went back to the room for an hour-long power nap and went back out solo to find the night’s bed-warmer.

• Are you a Centurion? – I am not a Centurion or even man enough to try. Porker, also, is not a Centurion, but at least he had the guts to give it a whirl. One of funner bars I went into was The Wet Spot. It is a bar put together by a group of guys from another board and has a friendly atmosphere. One night they sponsored the Centurion Challenge. Rules are simple, drink a shot of beer a minute for 100 minutes but you can’t leave your spot for any reason, i.e., going to the bathroom to piss or puke. Winners, of course, became Centurions and got their name on the mirror (in addition to a number of other less dubious consequences). There was also the added attraction of a U.S. versus the World team competition. Our own Porker attempted the challenge. I chose to watch and diddle with a couple of cherry girls. Things didn’t look good for Porker from the beginning (drinking a couple of beers and a couple of rum and cokes prior to the event was probably NOT the best course of action) but he was a trooper and plugged away. When he reached the 30 beer plateau, the bar owners announced that everyone in the bar would receive a FREE BAR FINE if Porker would just make it to 50. Of course, our hearts soared with anticipation. Alas, much to my chagrin, Porker only made it to 34 before dashing all hopes of a free bar fine. By bowing out early he was a hell of a lot smarter than the guy who had to be taken to the doctor for alcohol poisoning later than night or the guy who did a header off his bar stool in the middle of the competition. Don’t you just love Aussies?

• Like bringing sand to the beach – Three of the guys I met in AC had girlfriends there. Although they (the girlfriends not the guys) are all very attractive and sweet, having a girlfriend in AC is like bringing sand to the beach. Sure, you can do it, but what’s the point? BigBalls, Phoenixguy and Porker all seem to be very happy with their girls, so, in the end, that is all that really matters.

• You really haven’t lived until… you’ve cruised up Santos Street about 6:00 in the morning, found some skanky slut to polish your knob, taken her upstairs to a room over the bar and received a sloppy wet blow job while another girl is sleeping on the same bed. Ah, good times!

• It doesn’t rival Joe Dimaggio’s but it’s still an impressive streak – On my last full day in AC, Porker invited me out for an early afternoon barhop on the perimeter. During that run, he managed to pull four different cherry girls out of their respective lineups in four consecutive bars. The streak might have been longer, but I bailed to, well you remember the whole lone wolf discussion, don’t you? Here’s to Porker, the Joe Dimaggio of cherry girls!

• Good thing this isn’t rocket science! – BigBalls was telling me about the general education level of the girls in AC and suggested a couple of questions to ask the girls. He believes no one on the board would believe their answers. So I did my own little impromptu survey while interviewing girls with the same questions most guys ask: Where are you from? How old are you? Are you a cherry girl? Do you have menstruation? Have you ever stuck your tongue up a fat man’s ass? You know the normal stuff. Here are BigBalls questions that I threw into the mix: 1) Which is closer to you and me, your province (Cebu, etc.) or the moon? and 2) How many days are in a year? I asked 37 different girls these two questions and here are the results. For the first question only 2 – that’s right two – chose their province. Most common reason stated, “I can see the moon from here, I can’t see my province.” For question 2, an outstanding 5 knew that there are 365 days in a year. Most common response, “I needed to know that in school, why should I know it now?” If you are expecting to hold deep, thoughtful conversations with these girls you may be severely disappointed. However, they are a lot of fun to fuck with in general.

• The weirdest thing on sale – I read a lot about the street vendors in AC and how annoying they are. There are a ton of them, but for the most part, I didn’t find them to be incredibly pushy. Usually a simple wag of the index finger was enough to send them on to their next victim. If that didn’t work, a simple “no thanks” would do the trick. I told one guy, who sold stuff near my hotel, “Same answer as last time; same answer as next time – no thanks.” He smiled and said okay, but you know I’ll ask you next time just in case. I told him I wouldn’t expect it any other way. Everyone seems to be a Cialis/Viagra seller, but they have been forced to cover up those activities by trying to hawk sunglasses, cigarettes, belts, movies, music (Why did they always show me some lame Barry Manilow disc to try to entice me to buy music? Has there been some marketing study I don’t know about that points to Barry Manilow as the key to helping people make impulse buys?) and even a dude selling stun guns. The single weirdest thing I saw being sold was a guy carrying a couple of 10 x 10 area rugs. Sure they were attractive, but how am I going to check that in for the flight home?

• Hotter than the face of the sun – What is it about a Filipina’s ass that allows it to radiate heat throughout all hours of the night? I would spoon up to the night’s bed-warmer, slide my little penis between the cheeks of her ass and doze off into a contented sleep only to wake up about an hour later my loins ablaze. Meanwhile she is complaining of being cold. I am convinced that Filipinas must have some solar collection device that allows them to soak up the sun’s rays, turn it into heat to be emitted from their butt while maintaining some sort of extra-terrestrial cooling system throughout the rest of their body.

• You gotta have a routine – I am a creature of habit. I guess I get comfort from knowing what’s going to be happening in my little world. In AC, I developed a routine that went like this. I wake up at 5:30 AM everyday (I’m not sure if this is a curse or a blessing.) Since I was awake and had last night’s barfine beside me radiating heat through her little ass, what better thing to do that tear off a morning slice? After that it was back to sleep for a couple of hours before getting up to meet the day. I would delicately send last night’s barfine on her way and head out for breakfast, sometimes with the guys; sometimes solo. After that I usually chose one of two courses: a) a trip over to Santos Street to see what was shaking which usually meant I would be planning a night out at the Fields bars, or b) back to the hotel to rest which usually meant an afternoon barhop out on the perimeter. In either case, once a barfine was chosen, it was back to the hotel for sex, out for food, back for more sex, out for either more food or a barhop and then back to the hotel for the final round of sex if I was up to the task. Finally, I drifted off to sleep next to the heat-radiating Filipina. All-in-all, not a bad way to spend 10 days.

• Condoms, stinkbox, runners and tips – During my 10-day trip I only had two girls initiate condom usage. I think the fears of “condom Nazis” roaming the streets of Angeles are greatly exaggerated. I had only one case of what may have been stinkbox. In all other cases, my girls were daisy fresh. I had only one girl who may have been classified as a runner, but really she wasn’t. She told me in the bar that she would only stay to 5:00 AM, but I barfined her anyway. After one session with her, I realized that I was tired and wanted to sleep alone, so I told her she was free to go. She had the audacity to ask for a tip, but I simply told her that her tip was getting to leave early (this was around midnight.) Speaking of tips, I decided to adopt a 100 peso per round tip policy at the beginning of the trip. My average tip was 300 pesos, although I did tip one girl 500 (I also nailed her three times including twice in the ass.) No one was disappointed and most girls wanted me to come and barfine them again. I think the 100 peso per round policy is a good rule of thumb.

• Drama free and loving it – At breakfast one morning, Porker commented on my showing up alone – again. I let him know that I was turning the girls loose before going out for breakfast. I also told him that I wasn’t collecting telephone numbers or email addresses. He said something about me having a drama free trip, which is exactly what I wanted. I know that some guys thrive on the drama that can take place in a small town like AC. However it is possible to avoid it if you want. I did not barfine girls from the same bar, didn’t collect phone numbers or email addresses and turned girls loose as gently as I could. Usually a, “I have to go meet up with some of my friends” excuse was enough to extract me from even the clingiest girl. I went to AC for variety; not drama. I’m sure the more you go there the higher your drama risk becomes. But I’m also quite sure that those guys who find themselves in the midst of the soap opera secretly love it.

Up next, AC versus Rio.

EVA is a quality ride Personally, I've always been impressed with EVA. Wait till you fly coach on one of the new 777s as it's nicer then Evergreen Deluxe on the 747s...

Traffic in Manila is just stupid. Filipino drivers make Mexican drivers look like pussies. The streets of Manila are congested beyond belief I believe that driving in most asian countries is a full contact sport.

A lot smaller than I thought Angeles was big when I only had TJ to compare it to. Once I hit Thailand I realized just how small AC really is. Nana Plaza in Bangkok has close to as many bars as AC. This is basically a 3 floor strip mall dedicated to pussy. Pattaya... ahhh Pattaya... Think AC X 100...

Friendly little Pinays – One of the things I saw that I never read about is the cute way that Filipinas have of either holding hands or walking arm-in-arm down the street I noticed this in a number of asian countries. I too wish it was indicative of lesbian tendencies but was disappointed

The most overused word in town You left out "only". I could be buying the whole fucken country and they'd still tack "only" at the end of the total...

You really haven’t lived until… you’ve cruised up Santos Street about 6:00 in the morning I used to wake up in the mornings, careful not to disturb my barfine, and head to Santos for a nice dawn shag. I'd then sit around with friends, eat breakfast, make some plans, THEN head back to the room and wake up the girl with my cock at the crack of noon. If left unattended they will sleep until the end of time...

Good thing this isn’t rocket science! The bargirls in AC are about as sharp as marbles.

The weirdest thing on sale They will try to sell you what they have again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again... I finally had enough one day and told one of these entrepreneurs "I'm sorry, I don't speak English. I'd really like to help you out, but I just do not understand the English language. Thank you and good day." He looked more then a bit confused. I do the same thing in Thailand from time to time...

Hotter than the face of the sun They've spent almost all their lives sleeping in rooms roughly the temperature of the sun's corona. The aircon comes as a shock and they tend to gravitate to the warmest thing around which is usually MY fat ass. I once made the mistake (on my first trip) of barfining two girls and sleeping between them. I woke up an hour later with two brown heaters on either side of me!! I think I lost over a gallon of sweat in that hour. I pushed one into the middle, sandwiched my cock in her asscheeks and enjoyed the rest of the night (and most of the next day too )

Drama free and loving it You spend enough time there and drama WILL catch up to ya. Most of it can be ignored but every once in a while I find myself wanting to kill one of these dumb, brown retards. When this happens I gotta stand back, take a deep breath, then find a box to grudgefuck. Great therapy.

As far as drama goes I think even Priew would find this town contains more then enough drama for him

E

"Eventually I discovered that the trikes without a back window allowed me to stick my head out – much like Dino in the opening sequence of the Flintstones"

Aaahh..thanks for that chuckle. Good for early in the start of the read of a report I found funny and entertaining and fresh. Your style if very easy to read and informative, thanks!

The "how to avoid drama" section is certainly useful.

Looking forward to my trip in 10days...thank you again!

(Message edited by concarne on April 18, 2007)

Fun reading, el_apodo! Thanks for some amusing material.

I am thinking about AC for my next run...and this was one of the most outstanding, and entertaining reads I have seen on this board. Thanks for the effort. Can't wait to read the rest.

radioman

Thanks for a very entertaining read. Sure would be nice to see a few pics! I also stayed at Swiss Chalet and also enjoyed the hotel and food, thanks for the memories. My next trip (in Oct) I am planning on trying the bus option as well. Can you send me a few more details. I'm curently planning on Victory Liner in pasay to Dau, but not sure if this is correct.

Thanks for all the kind words.

Epi - Although I've never met him, I think Priew could find drama at the bottom of the ocean.

Concarne - AC is as easy as you will find. Porker describes it as "point and click" mongering. I don't think it's quite that hard. You'll have a blast.

Radioman - It's hard not to have fun in AC. With you legendary skills at finding SG gems in Colombia, AC might be a little tame for you. Then again, tame might be what you need.

Tobruk = Sorry about the pictures. I just wiffed there. I didn't bring back anything that is usable. Ah, but the pictures in my head those are pretty good! I'll PM you about the bus, it ain't hard.

EA

El Apodo, truly excellent report, and a real treat to read, as I saw many of the same things you did on your trip, which was like reliving some good times all over again. Glad you enjoyed Angeles. I was a little apprehensive about how you might like things there, knowing how much you enjoyed Brazil already. I am very well aware how people can fall in love with a certain destination and have it color their perception of all other places. Personally, there was a time not all that long ago when I thought Tijuana and then Monterrey were frickin' inCREDIBLE. Then after visiting Angeles City for a little over a week, I wanted to leave Thailand after one day because it just wasn't the same as AC.

It was a pleasure hanging out with you on your first trip to Asia, and you seem to have done very well for yourself with all the preparation you did reading about the place before you went. It takes some BALLS to take the public bus from Manila to AC on your first trip, but you did that like it was no big deal. I doubt I would have ever been so adventurous.

I will also applaud you again for avoiding drama at every opportunity and refusing to play the bargirl's games that get you trapped into letting them control your trip. People really do create their own drama in that regard, but for me it was hard to resist the lovey-dovey charms of the Filipinas looking to keep you around for extended periods of time. I wish I had your discipline!

Thanks for taking the time to write such a great report.

Porker,

Thanks again to you for taking the time to counsel me before and during the trip. Sir, you are a gentleman, sir.

As to taking the bus, what else are us transplanted "Amerexicans" supposed to do? Frankly, after reading what Blazers wrote in his PI bible and the hints you gave, I'm surprised more people are not doing it.

We will run into each other there again!

EA

Thanks a lot for taking the time to write out such a great comparison. I had a lot of fun hanging with you, icarus, and of course Mr. Porker.

Just a side note about having a gf here, well since I live here full time it's nice to have someone fairly reliable in the house. It's also more economical, well if you have the right girl, and a bit more secure, having someone watch the house while I do my afternoon Perimeter hops and someone to help my drunken ass back home after being out all night.

Bud

Bud, how are you able to retire at such a young age in AC without a long work history? Let us know the secret to your success...may of us wish we could do the same.

Bud,

Thanks again for your willingness to share your knowledge of Angeles with a newbie. To everyone out there who goes to Angeles for the first time, drop Bud a note and see if he'll be around. I think he really enjoys showing new guys the ropes. It MIGHT cost you a beer or perhaps a Shawarma if you end up on the wrong end of Fields. Such is the life of a fast-paced, live-on-the-razor's edge, spit-in-the-face-of-danger "guide" in Angeles! (NOTE: Bud is NOT a guide, just a good guy!)

As to the GF, it makes a ton more sense in your situation than in mine. As I said before, you seem to be happy and that's all that really matters.

BTW, if you get to test drive the hottie at Fire & Ice let us know how she is!

EA

All-- Eva's B74M's (combi's) are slowly going away.. Thank God. Eva now uses the much better B773 on most of their US-Taipei services.. Another excellent choice in "lower cost" asiasn carriers is China Airlines (CI).. While they have dramatically reduced their services to the USA (no more Seattle flits for example) Their A340's have some of the newer "slide bottom" seats that cradle you when you recline and dont rotate into the person's space behind you..