Thank you, you're all very wonderful, and I'm very fortunate to be here. And now, without further ado, I'd like to introduce a man who really needs no introduction - a man who is an inspiration to us all. He has gone where sometimes few and often many have gone before. He has worked and played in anonymity, carefully protecting his alter ego from those in the workaday world who might not understand.

This is a man who truly needs no introduction to the likes of us - a man who knows what he wants and how to get it, even if it requires toiling silently for months or years, all the while carefully planning and saving for the days when he will rub elbows and other things with lawyers, doctors, bricklayers, bus drivers, captains of industry, senators, kings, perhaps a few queens, and, most importantly, willing and wonton wenches.

This is a man who, despite his prodigious and consuming appetites, patiently finds time for the little things that matter most to others, like holding down a job, paying alimony, and sending clippings (both press and fingernail) to his family, now exiled in Corsica.

Yes, this is most certainly a man who needs no introduction, because this man is Club Hombre's bread and butter, Club Hombre's rank and file, Club Hombre's be-all and end-all, Club Hombre's war and peace, advise and consent, Wallace and Gromit, Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice - indeed, this man is…

You. And this is about what you want and how to get it. I'm not gonna brag about how I spent six weeks walking thru Timbuktu and doing six girls a day for six dollars a day, because that's useless to you, vicarious thrills on a cold winter's night. And I'm not gonna post trophy pics of the cutest girls I could find, because there are cute girls everywhere, and, in this post-literate age, you don't need to be distracted from the message:

You probably have ten days a year to indulge, if you're lucky, and you need to squeeze the juice out of every single moment. So this is my opinion on how best to do it.

Like many CH members, I've used info that others have posted, and I've learned from more experienced travelers. But I've also banged around on my own, and I've squandered many cumulative hours trying to find that terma in the mall, or breathing someone else's smoke in overpriced Black's, or driving in circles around German suburbs in the dark, or searching for Soi 6 on foot; and I still regret all the time I've wasted when I could have been snug in the arms of some delectable morsel. When you're counting the days and hours, you don't want distractions.



To illustrate my point: I recently met up with a motley crew in Changping, China: a Hong Konger; a Chinese-American who is in-country more than half the year; two Canadians, one who has lived in China for 10 years and is married to a Chinese woman; an Amurican friend who has lived and worked in China for the past 6 months; and our own illustrious Merlin.



We Canadians and Amuricans, regardless of the length of time any of us had spent in China, were hugely dependent on the two native speakers, without whom we would have been extremely reluctant to follow furtive strangers down dark alleys only to be badgered by over-aggressive mamas and papas who locked the door behind us, barked at everyone and thrust in our faces girls who often couldn't speak any English, only did ST and were terrified of foreigners. I'm not saying we didn't have interesting adventures and good foot massages; I'm saying it was a lot of work, with a serious element of danger and a healthy dose of hit-or-miss.

Intrepid explorer Merlin will admit to being adrift for his first couple of days until our guides stepped in. (This not to suggest that he wasn't having fun, because, as my grandfather might have said, Merlin could have fun at a pig waller. But Merlin's not your typical… anything.) Even the Canadian who has lived there for 10 years was like a newbie compared to The Lads with Local Language Skills.



Merlin and I parted in Macao, where I hopped on a plane to the new BKK airport, only to stumble upon a gorgeous and gregarious law student in her early 20s whose father is Japanese and mother is Danish. And she spoke excellent English.

Later, waiting out the rain on a Sky Train platform, I met a 25-year-old good girl, suitcase in hand, literally just in from Isaan to visit her sister. As Epi, Merlin & Socrates may confirm, she looked pretty much like this:



[And no, I'm not posting actual photos, because a) she's a civilian, and b) I look forward to seeing her again.]

Another morning, I awoke with an itch and walked a couple hundred yards to Lólita's and then down to Sukhumvit, collecting a blowjob, a beer and a new Samsonite suitcase for under a hundred bucks total. [Spare me the counterfeit qualifications.]

And that's without even entering the go-gos, about as trouble-free a proposition as dropping by the local convenience store in America. Which reminds me of the Nana spinner with bolt-on tits who volunteered the best blowjob I've had in recent memory and begged for a repeat; and my Soi Cowboy regular, an unattainable fantasy in the States… I could go on, but I'm sure you get the point.

By the way, they ALL spoke English! If you're lucky, a Chinese girl may have memorized 3 or 4 English phrases - "where you from", "go with you", "I love you" - but you ain't gonna make small talk, and she's for sure gonna leave as soon as you're done. Once.

Don't get me wrong - China is good, if you:
1. Speak the language.
2. Don't look too foreign.
3. Aren't bothered when street touts lock the doors behind you in seedy hideaways.
4. Don't mind that everybody scatters when they see police.
5. Prefer ST.
6. Aren't into GFE.
7. Don't require much touristy stuff.
8. Enjoy the hassle and expense of getting a visa (I wasted an overnight in Hong Kong, where, on top of ridiculous hotel rates, one can engage a Filipina in a local bar for about five times her worth in AC.)
9. Can handle trying to remember where you saw that girl, and how to find her again, and how to communicate what you want, armed only with these:



By contrast, Bangkok/Pattaya/Angeles/Rio are good, if you:
1. Have a little money, and
2. Want to have a good time spending it.

Listen: when you don't have time to waste, you want point & click. Bangkok is the original point & click (and Angeles the phoenix point & click), courtesy of the American war machine. Walk out of your hotel, stumble into a bar, embrace the cuties. Everybody's a rock star.

And what could be easier than the termas, or the FKK clubs? You don't even have to take 'em home, and can hang around all day and/or night in relative comfort and safety while recharging for another go-'round. Pattaya is, pure and simple, Disneyland for adults.

Now, this is important, so pay attention: all of the aforementioned venues target the tourist trade. Even troubled Medellin boasts a small tourist circuit, courtesy of the Mansion.

"Crackdowns" under the Thai and Phil regimes are largely a joke, at least from a consumer's viewpoint. But the Olympics commence in exactly one year, and the Chinese government sees it as a massive opportunity to reshape world opinion, so the cleanup campaigns have already begun. You can bet that the girls will increasingly go underground, or inland, or just disappear. And if you think a South American jail is bad…

Bottom line: If I was driven by burning desire and limited time, I wouldn't dick around in the hinterlands - I'd dive right into an established venue that welcomes my business, where the odds on getting my money's worth are far better.

Still, there are a handful of CH members, myself occasionally included, who enjoy exploring new territory when time permits. If that's your goal, here are six useful phrases, c/o DHL:









Up to you!

Funny read. I gather from your report there is not a monger's "office" where you meet up with the equivalent Don&Ken (with squinted eyes of course) in China, eh?

Reminds me of Cuba...sure, you can find the $6/day beautiful girl....but, all the ancillary dollars and wasted time to do it, just isn't worth it unless it is someone else's coin.

Tujunga great report! Or should I say very amusing analysis? By sheer coincidence I just got done watching 5 episodes of Family Guy (my other hobby) before logging on to CH. So I was definitely in the right mindset for your report.

I agree with you and I don't. For a guy with limited time and/or money he might as well go straight to Pattaya. This is especially true for newbies.

But after a few trips it's best, I think, to put Pattaya at the end of your trip and see some place new beforehand. If the new place is good that's good. If it's not you're sort of hedging the investment with some days in Pattaya.

A most excellent read Tujunga, and thanks for going through the ordeal to hang out in China. Tujunga and I both had passport hurdles to put it lightly; guys need to get that in order well before the trip IMO. Agree w/you 110% on what's written, an xtra 10% b/c I know what you're thinking as well.

I've been lucky to have locals to translate for me in other cities in China, so you can imagine my utter frustration in going solo for a couple of days with 2-3 words of Chinese. I think we struck gold with some phenom dudes that took us under their wings for that trip; we must've absorbed 10 years worth of monger knowledge in just that one week. Excellent dudes, and thanks also to Crazier, Soc, and MX for their advice and encouragement before the trip.

China for me is, and was, espec diffic to navigate b/c very few places had english speakers or used english words (at least in Indonesia, they use similar alphabet/pronounciation and in Thailand there are plenty of english signs and speakers). Got burned by countefeits (money, whiskey, etc)and other things I don't know about; everybody seems to be out to make a quick buck.
There was little concept of customer service at hotels and restaurants, perhaps partly b/c they are "communists".

I'd likely go back IF someone is gonna be there again to hang with.

Geez the horror of being locked in a room with ten to forty fesh hot chinese hotties and a couple of pushy mamasans. By the way I doubt you are locked, it that the authorities are locked out. Really you want to leave just push the one latch and viola you are leaving.

Granted inside a BBS you are given some of the hardest sells ever. Mamasans throwing girls into your lap who grope you to full hard on and the mommy screaming "pwink ripple" is pulling out the firm beautiful breasts of her girls for you to fondle. Yeah and they are pretty resistent to accepting a no. But atleast this is high pressure to sell you sex with a hot young girl. For me, it sure as hell beats the high pressure sales pitch to buy some cherry girl a Lady Drink. Kind of refreshing that your money is paid when you decide this is a girl I want to fuck. Instead of you puking pesos and baht to do the "interview process."

If you are fucking hotter girls in Pattaya and the PI then you do in Changping, more power to you. But for me the quality of the girls is not even close.

If the message is you have more money than time, then why should you even waste time two precious vacation days suffering through long haul air travel? Shouldn't you just party at your local strip club and setup outdates with girls much hotter than the typical pattaya fare?

As for not having any language skills or an monger office with tour guides. You don't need to get a good fuck from a hot chick. Walk out the door of your hotel and your soon you will be guided to see tons of girls around the hotel district. Or go to a taxi van and say Yalan and hold up one finger on hand and five fingers on the other. 15RMB poorer and five minutes later you will be exiting your cab and getting mobbed by those little ladies ready to wisk you off to paradise.

And you are much more likely to get one of the Changping BBS girls to stick around LT than you will an AC or Pattayas gogo girl these days.

Granted China isn't for everybody, but if you like young hot chinese girls CP pretty much kicks ass over any other place I have been and it's a great value on top of it.

Shhhhhhh

T.,

Its always nice to see another's perspective!

Great FR for sure!

Wonder why I am sitting here at my computer in Bangkok and not going out tonight my last night here?

GFE? LT?

Definitely not with the lookers in my eyes although I have had some exceptions of course.


C.

in addition to what tujunga wrote.....something else i was recently informed of was the million dollar ride"....much like what occurs in colombia and central america. a reliable source and a good friend reports that there is a real risk for kidnapping right outside the hotel area, especially when travelling alone. here's the set up, as you enter one of those van taxis, local guys follow you in with weapons and kidnap you until your bank account is empty, then who knows!

I remember reading about some guys who had gone to great lengths to avoid military service in Vietnam, but after the war launched a business to drive new Mercedes out from under the noses of the new Viet regime into mine-riddled Cambodia. Pussy, like money, can be a powerful motivator.

When I have enough time, I generally subscribe to the Bigpoppa formula of strange followed by familiar. But then, I get to travel a lot more than most (though a lot less than some.)

There's an undeniable thrill to going someplace new. But if I had only one vacation a year, I'd be a lot less sanguine about, say, the seemingly interminable bus ride Sukhumvitter & I suffered, wherein six people got off to throw up.

Ya pays yer money, and ya takes yer chances. It's a definite plus to hang with guys like Suk or Merlin or Mx who can turn an ankle and still have a great time.

Those lads will confide that you can usually pick me out in a crowd by tongue lodged firmly in cheek.

"Don't get me wrong - China is good, if you:
1. Speak the language.
2. Don't look too foreign.
3. Aren't bothered when street touts lock the doors behind you in seedy hideaways.
4. Don't mind that everybody scatters when they see police.
5. Prefer ST.
6. Aren't into GFE.
7. Don't require much touristy stuff.
8. Enjoy the hassle and expense of getting a visa (I wasted an overnight in Hong Kong, where, on top of ridiculous hotel rates, one can engage a Filipina in a local bar for about five times her worth in AC.)
9. Can handle trying to remember where you saw that girl, and how to find her again, and how to communicate what you want, armed only with these:
"

3/9 ain't too bad... better than Bonds batting average anyway.

Tujunga

Great report, great read. Your voice is unique among all the others that write TRs on CH. Nice to see you writing again.

I agree with you that there are some destinations in Asia that are not plug and play compliant. AC and Thailand are much easier to get around in (signs in English, no visa woes, etc) and should be the destinations focused on for those that have once a year fucations. Obviously China has its charms, but as you stated they might be lost on the first time, English only visitor, traveling alone, with limited time.

Socrates wrote: in addition to what tujunga wrote.....something else i was recently informed of was the million dollar ride"....much like what occurs in colombia and central america. a reliable source and a good friend reports that there is a real risk for kidnapping right outside the hotel area, especially when travelling alone. here's the set up, as you enter one of those van taxis, local guys follow you in with weapons and kidnap you until your bank account is empty, then who knows!

I remember you mentioning a similar warning regarding the PI, and various other countries as well. Gonna start calling you C.L.

E

MongerX tends to give himself way too little credit for his success in venues that are definitely not point and click for the average Western tourist.

Tujunga, great report, man, and thanks as usual.

Re: the visa ordeal, just confirms for me what a royal pain in the ass (not to mention expense) looms for a short visit there.

Believe me, getting a good lay in Chang Ping ain't rocket science. Walk out the front of your hotel and get pounced by the mamasan who will open the Van door. Hopefully she shows you a pair of these.

Photo: Mobile Pussy Vehicle

When she demands 100 for her and 100 later to the girl resist and insist 50 for her and 100 for the girl. She will quickly accept that. Now take your girl up to your room and enjoy 90 minutes of getting pampered, showered, fucked silly, and taking pics. If you are happy kick her and extra 10 RMB. You just spent 160 RMB (That's 700 Baht, 975 pesos, or $21)for a great ride. You didn't have to buy a single drink for yourself, or any lady drinks, or any transport costs. And no money and time lost on cherry, menstrating, or service girls.

Now savor the moment in your 320 Rmb ($40 a night) 4* (for anywhere in the worhld) hotel room which included free high speed internet, free breakfasts, and free pick-up and drop off at the Train station.

In Changping there is great pussy all over the place and the marketing of it is in your face. You want it, and they want to sell it to you. It's not that you want pussy and they want to sell you Lady Drinks and time to sit with girls who will gladly go bar hoppy but no boom boom.

just realized that you probably can't read the English translation below the Chinese characters on the hotel pic above:

VIRGIN HOTEL

perfect!

porker, i agree. i've been to cp twice and i've never gotten the sweet deal mongerx mentioned nor have i had a chinses gal with tits half that enormous. he's really got an eye for talent.

epi, i told a chinese looking business man travelling to mnl to be careful of kidnapping. later, he looked into it and agreed.

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=chinese+businessman+manilla+kidnapping

A close colombiano friend also warned me about kidnapping in cali and mde before my first trip. I just relayed the message.

http://www.emergency.com/colbknap.htm

Often wondered why they have plastic bags tied to the seat handle in front of me in the long distance public buses!

Now,it no longer surprises me when people next to me start vomiting in the darn thing! Yikes!

Mx.,

That banana, did she like it? Looks huge to me!

C.

Crazier, as you know, I took the bus from Zh to Guangdong and the driver was cut'n people off on the hwy, making jerky, erratic turns, and almost left me at the gas station rest stop while I was taking a leak. Tujunja and I decided to rent a car on the return and we had a much nicer experience.

Great REPORT?????
I'm not sure you even said anything??
Other than to brag that you gotta a couple civilian phone numbers....

Rivelino,

Nothing to be ashamed about - just try reading SLOWLY.

cool report brother just wish i had the time to visit mainland china. I am not waiting for a visa. more power to you brother and play it safe

Hamlet spoke of
"The undiscovered country...
[that] makes us rather bear the ills we have,
Than fly to others we know not of."

Whatever the hell that means.

"Rivelino,

Nothing to be ashamed about - just try reading SLOWLY."

Oh!! Ok.
Hey! BTW, is there a Rosetta stone to go with the report that you can help me with?
Check out the following statement.
"The loud noises made Waldo nuts!!"
Ok, if you take the last two letters in "Waldo" and the first three letters in "nuts" you get the word "donut"!!!!
Are there hidden "donuts" in your report that I'm missing?? Can you give me a hint?
I probably still wouldn't understand it though.
I noticed you're quoting Shakespeare now which probably means you're super smart.
I'm not. DOH!!!

Thank you for demonstrating my overarching point:

If one can't focus long enough to digest 1400 words of 8th grade English (including sentences that begin with broad hints such as "bottom line") because one is too eager to get to the wanking material, then one is not likely to be happy trying to find one's way around Chang Ping.

I really like the Waldo reference. Don't understand it, but that's probably because there are no nipples. Still, it's more interesting than piss.

P.S. Since I don't understand it, you must be smarter than I.