MY FIRST PREGNANT GIRL

I was taking my daily exercise along the beach in Pattaya when I was greeted by a smile from a very pretty face. "Hello, how are you?" she said in very good English.

The girl was sitting in the evening shadows far away from the working girls. She was perched on the cross-strut of an overturned beach chair, a seat that would be uncomfortable in the best of conditions. She had a large purse on her lap. She was hiding something.

This was a girl who was prettier than most of the freelancers one sees on at beach. We talked a little bit and everything was amiable. After awhile she moved her purse. "I have baby," she said. Wow! She was pregnant all right. "How long?" I asked. "Four months." I don't know if she was telling me she had been pregnant for four months or that the baby was due in four months. Either way, she was midterm.

"What are you doing out here?" I asked her. "Look for man," she said. "Why are you sitting way off over here?" "Aye baby," she said. (Shy because I'm pregnant.) "I want to go with you," she says. She is so far away from where the freelancers work, I wonder how she could hope to get a man.

So here we are. Off in the shadows, Zane and a lovely preggie.

Hmmm??? Maybe you can forgive me? I have never had a child. I have never been with a pregnant woman. I have never seen one naked up close. There have only been a few times when I have even been able to rub the belly of a pregnant woman. I am taken with the idea of going with this girl. She could use the money.

"What can you do?" I ask her. "Everything." She lies. We agreed on "sa-moke" which was good for both of us. "Okay, gap hong." (Let's go to my room.) She gets up with difficulty. She groans. I attribute this to her uncomfortable seat.

We walk across the street to get a baht bus. She's slow. I don't know much about this, but her belly is really out there! My Thai is not good enough to raise complex issues and anyway I'm committed. She is with me, she is pregnant, I have to take care of her.

She sits sideways on the taxi bench to balance and control her load. Her back hurts. The lovely smile is not much in evidence. When the taxi stops she gets out with difficulty. She is very slow on the 200 yard walk to my hotel. My green lights have flicked over to yellow. Either this is a difficult pregnancy or something is rotten in Denmark!

Finally we get to my room. I tell her I would like to see her stomach. She takes off her clothes. Oh my Buddha!!! This is not midterm. This is just before finals. I am not panicking (yet), but I am confused. Over my head!

She wobbles and hobbles across the living room and into the bathroom. She showers and comes to lay on the bed. She carries her stomach in her arms for all maneuvers. She lays down. I sit on the bed. She groans and grabs her stomach!! I now estimate that she has been pregnant for 8 months, 30 days, 23 hours and 59 minutes!! Oh please Lord, do not let the water break on my bed!! I don't want to go to the hospital and be Papa!!

"Uh...okay sweetheart... I don't think you should do anything but go to your room and lay down." She agrees. She tells me about another man she met her at the beach who "songsan"-ed her. ("Songsan" means to take care of someone who needs help.) He took her to the store and bought her food and some clothes for the baby. This is what she was doing at the beach. She could not possibly engage in any kind of sex. She was putting herself out there hoping for a sympathetic farang to come along and take care of her. She's a beggar. A good-looking, well-dressed, pregnant beggar. I don't really blame her, but I'm not happy.

Things are not beautiful now. I don't like being lied to. She could have asked me for help at the beach. I would have given her 100 baht and she could have looked for another sucker. But no! Here we are. She can't do anything for me. I'm worried as hell that her water will let loose!

We had agreed on 400 baht and I unhappily give it to her. I have an ashtray on a table by the door. Since I don't smoke, it holds my coins. As she leaves she starts grabbing. "I need money for taxi." She takes 30 baht and is going for more. "Enough!" I say. "No I want 50!" She can get anywhere in town for 30 baht. Now she is stealing. I take the ashtray away. She's angry. I'm angry. She stomps out. Later I think the girl at reception gives me a bad look. "What did you do to that poor lady with baby!!??" her eyes seem to say. Humiliating.

THE SLEEPING PILL

I am a rich man. I have $10! With my $10 I often buy a sleeping pill. A bit expensive for a sleeping pill, you say? But my sleeping pills are special. They don't leave me groggy and hung over. The only after effects are tranquility, energy and joy.

My favorite sleeping pill is Na, the girl I met at the market in my post "Love at the Market!!" She has been with me about half a dozen times now. I take her after I have had a rough night. Either I have been with a lady who required extended rigors ("extracted the maximum amount from me for the least amount of money" as my critics say. Ha!) or with a new one who couldn't settle down and sleep right. Either way, I always get Na when I need a good nap.

The other day was typical. I telephoned her mobile and her 45 year old and half-deaf "mother" answered. She makes up for her hearing loss by screaming, "ZANE!? ZANE!? YOU WANT NA?! NA IN WOOM! YOU WANT NA??!! I OUTSIDE!! YOU WANT NA??!!" "Okay, kha phun khap. I go to your room." A couple minutes on the baht bus and I hop off at their soi. The response to my knock is slow, but the door eventually opens. One girl is asleep on the bed and Na is bundled in a blanket on the floor.

She gives me a groggy nod. "Okay," I say. "You can come sleep in my room." She pulls herself together pretty quickly and we leave. "Hue cow mai?" I ask her. (Are you hungry?) She's a kid (24) and I'm a grownup. I have to feed her. We pick up something for her and head for my room.

A few things about Na. She is a happy girl. Her English doesn't amount to much, but she loves to talk. We use a mixture of Thai and English and do pretty well. I think a key to Na's happiness is that she is happy living with Nok, her not-real "mother." There are three girls and Nok living together in the crappy room. The girls go with farang and support Nok, although Nok does some fortune telling work at the beach. They have good relations and Na really loves Nok. Na is always in good spirits when I see her, talking, laughing, happy to be with me. She should be. I treat her well and don't ask for much.

Na has a regular face. Not beautiful and not ugly. But she is 24 and has a perfect body! She is a little tall for me, but has a flat, no-babies, stomach, a cute ass and perfect skin.

Anyway it's about 3:30 PM. We take showers, I close the blackout curtains and we get in bed. She starts to doze while I read my book. After a few minutes I turn out the light and move behind her. I give her an arm-around and rub her perfect stomach. I hold her. We "nawn laup, fan dee." (Fall asleep and have sweet dreams.) When I wake up an hour and a half later we are in exactly the same position! I don't know about you, but I find that to be rare. It means we both slept really well, without shifting. I wake up slowly. Very slowly. I take a long time to gaze at her lovely body while she sleeps. She is naked, on her back. Not shy, not immodest. Just a sweet, lovely, regular girl.

We have been together before without sex so she isn't surprised when I tell her I don't want it. I have a date later and want to save "pow-ahr." Half an hour later she is dressed and ready to go. I give her 450 baht and she is delighted with our time together. "Oh thank you, thank you for want sleep with me!" she bubbles. We are both happy and feeling great.

A PREGNANT SLEEPING PILL

Early yesterday afternoon I took my walk along the beach. I enjoy buying a beer at the 7-11, chatting up some girls and doing a bit of people watching. I settle down with a beer, and Oh No! here she comes, one of the roughest hookers in Thailand. A loud, fat, very dark brown girl with huge tits and no bra. She sits next to me. Her front teeth have been bashed. I ask her what happened to them and she pantomimes boxing. She hits on me and every man that walks by. She stands up, stretches her arms back over her head and sticks out her chest. A farang stops. I don't know how, but I do know how - this girl goes with a couple of fools a day.

While she is sitting with me, a friend of hers comes over. A little short girl with a lovely face and a big stomach. She pulls up her T-shirt and I give it a rub. She talks for a minute and walks off. I take little notice.

After half an hour or so I want to move off. I walk aways and am drawn by a pretty face. I sit down. Very familiar. Then I see the stomach. "You forget!?" she says with a big smile. The beer Singha had kicked in.

Her name is Lee and she is a Pattaya veteran. A veteran of Soi 8 no less! She worked there until she got bored and quit a couple of years ago. She is 30 years old, 4'8" tall and weighs 88 pounds when she isn't pregnant. She speaks good English, is animated, smiles happily. We have a good rapport.

I ask her, "Tam arrai kap?" (What are you doing?) "Tam ngan." (Working.) "Really? You can go with men and have sex?" "Sure. No problem. You no have baby so you no understand." We chat a bit.

She yawns. "Nguan nawn." (I'm sleepy.) After awhile, I yawn. She yawns. I am really sleepy and it's time for my nap. I am drawn to her personality and her pregnancy. I think there would be something serene about sleeping with her. I make the obvious proposal. "Since you're sleepy and I'm sleepy, why don't we go to my room and sleep together. No sex. I want to sleep so I want you to stay for maybe three hours. I'll give you 300 baht." She verifies that it will be okay if she leaves at 10:00 PM. Perfect. I have a date with the massage girl at midnight. She says it will be impossible not to have sex, either before sleep or after sleep.

This little girl was so lovely! When she got naked she was tiny, tiny and very cute. Her stomach was cute, although definitely a burden for her. I rested my hand on it and the baby kicked like hell! "Baby like you," she laughed. I held her and cuddled. I rubbed the basketball, and then settled down. Just the three of us. It WAS very serene. We slept well.

We took about an hour to wake up and I held off her advances. I had other plans again. When she left I handed her three bills. Ooops! One of them was a 500. She caught what I missed and handed it right back. She tucked away the 200 baht and said that was all she wanted. She left happy. It's the next day and she called me just a few minutes ago asking if I wanted her to come over. I told her to come tomorrow.

Paying to sleep with pregnant chicks and girls with adopted mothers....You ar truly jai dee and maybe a little jaded too. Sounds like you have pretty much done it all and are looking for something more.....