I was not expecting much from Avianca Airways, the airline with the best coffee in the skies, but I was very pleasantly surprised. This flight took off on time, as would all the others. The staff was friendly in a casual way, the only small criticism was that there where very few announcements in English. It’s a five and a half hour flight into Medellin and I dozed most of the way. On arriving in Medellin the passport control queues moved quickly and everyone was through pretty fast—except me. None of the three officials on duty had ever seen a South African passport before and they had to fetch a big white book to check some details. As I do not speak Spanish and none of them had even passing English I really do not know what was going on. After about half an hour, what seemed to be the senior guy came over and asked me “Visa?” I replied “no need.” I guess he took my word for it he looked at my ticket and stamped my passport and I was on my way. My luggage was waiting but there was a line at the x-ray machine at the exit it seemed to take forever, but actually only took a few minutes. Since I could not find anywhere to change money, I was out of the airport and on my way…
Or so I thought, as I scanned the small number of taxis and drivers outside the arrivals hall. I couldn’t see anyone from the Mansion. I was now feeling tired and irritable and a little nervous with all the Cartel hit men disguised as taxi drivers mulling around. I checked my emails and found that nowhere had I written down the Mansions telephone number. Thankfully there was an English speaking lady also waiting on her driver and she called the local 411. The woman who answered the phone could not speak any English and for some reason would not call Greg to the phone, Eventually the lady who had called 411 for me saw my distress and took over the call. In short order she arranged for the driver, Hector, to pick me up. She explained that the reason Greg could not come to the phone was he was still sleeping off a hangover from the night before and the maid who had answered the phone was scared to death of waking him. It was noon and there was no one sober enough to take my call… Strangely I found this reassuring, at least I was staying at the right place!
By the time Hector turned up I had been waiting quite a while and the Cartel hit men disguised as taxi drivers and I had become firm friends, maybe they sensed a fellow larcenous spirit. Finally I was on my way…for real.
The drive from the airport is through a tropical lush countryside, with hills giving way briefly to small valleys, most of which seemed to be occupied by small herds of horses. It was a lovely sunny day and Hector answered my numerous questions with good humor and in excellent English.
Construction across the road from the Mansion
My first sight of Medellin was as we came over a hill and it was not what I had expected. I had anticipated a backwater a little Cusco, a country town out of an old western, but the sky line was full of craned and half-built sky scrapers—this was a frenzy of activity, a city on the move. It was about a half an hour drive to the Mansion.
The Mansion
The Mansion instantly has the feel more of a B&B (with benefits) than a hotel. As you walk in on the right is a reception area with no receptionist. Next to that is the kitchen, which is where I saw Greg. Greg just looks like an Aussie, a through and through sheep abuser, so it surprised me a little when he greeted me in really, really bad Afrikaans. It turned out he had spend some time in my home country. Before I could say anything he apologized for the mix up at the airport and explained that it was due to a staff problem, some of the Mansions staff had left unexpectedly for greener pastures. By way of apology he upgraded me from room 8 to room 10, which was more than generous. We chatted for a while and then he introduced me to the four girls at the pool. It was Monday and the selection was not great so I begged off. Greg suggested that I should get a massage from Olga. Based on what I had read on the site, I readily agreed. I headed to my room and had a SS&S. By the time I was finished with the shower Olga was at my door, well kept and in her mid thirties, I would guess. She gave a great rubdown that lasted well over an hour. I was hoping for the full treatment but we had a miscommunication, nothing serious and she headed off. I was so relaxed after the massage that I decided to take a quick nap before taking Medellin by storm. The next thing I knew it was Tuesday morning.
I woke early and ran into Medellin Bob in the kitchen having breakfast. He agreed to take me to a bank to change some traveler’s cheques so we headed down to a nearby shopping centre. It’s a bit more of hassle changing money in Colombia then most places; the procedure seems a little draconian and includes the bank taking your fingerprints. On the bright side, once you have done it once as long as you change money at the same bank you never have to do it again, and I got a decent rate 1.77. Bob took me on a tour of the centre and I did a little shopping, mostly buying some water and odds and ends to stock the bar fridge in my room.
We then drove up to El Castillo so that I could formally sign in. El Castillo is just up the hill from the mansion, seems a little bigger and is where the admin seems to be taken care of. If you don’t want to be right on top of the action and would like a place that is a little more sedate, El Castillo is definitely worth considering. While I was hanging around making some free international calls Bob introduced me to Boyd, who looks like a Californian surfer dude and throughout my trip was not fazed by anything or anyone. If Don is the Terma guy of Rio then Boyd Sala de Masajes Tsar is the He was planning a run to the infamous Centro, I signed on immediately. As it was still pretty early we agreed that he would pick me up at the Mansion at 11 AM.
Boyd turned up at about 11, and we headed off. My plan was to hit a few places before making a selection but at the first stop as the girls came out one at a time flashed smiles and great looking bodies I could not help myself. I am weak, so sue me. I chose Maloney, a cool looking 20-year-old who could not speak a word of English, but that didn’t stop us having a great old time.
Photos: Maloney 01 02 03
An hour and P45,000 or US$26 later, I left a very happy camper. Boyd had patiently waited for me and we visited two more places before heading back to the Mansion. Both “Sala de Masajes” were second floor walk ups behind unassuming gates with little or no signage, they had a few, less then a dozen girls, each but I was quickly discovering that the quality of Medellin’s fair ladies was high. After a little walk about and some street food we headed back. Centro was not what I had expected. It was relatively clean and gave the impression of a vibrant low-income neighborhood more then a dangerous Favela or slum. I never felt unsafe there but I would suggest that Rio rule should be in play: no fancy watches, dress down, and carry only what you need.
I took a quick nap and then went and sat out by the pool. There were a few girls around but after the fun I had in Centro for P45,000 I didn’t see anything that was worth P150,000 and I was not in the mood to negotiate.
I went for a walk around the neighborhood. The Mansion is well situated near banks, restaurants, malls and cinemas, although you take your life in your hands when crossing roads. Coming from a country where we drive on the correct side of the road (the left hand side) as apposed to the right hand side I often court myself looking the wrong way and stepping off into traffic. In the evening I was at a loose end and very grateful that Greg asked me to join him and his girlfriend for dinner. We took a taxi to her place in Centro and then walked to a little pizzeria, where the most expensive main course was around US$8. The food was decent and the walk interesting. After dinner Greg’s girlfriend walked home and Greg and I took a taxi to Club San Diego.
San Diego is a sparsely and cheaply furnished warehouse with a small bar, dusty floors, and a half assed stage. There was a scattering of girls ranging from 6 to 9s, but when we arrived they just hung around like battle-weary troops. We sat down and Greg introduced me to Medellin rum, drunk with coke it soon became a firm favorite of mine. After a few drinks some girls came over to say hello and join us for a drink of two, and I hooked up with Alex (?) for an hour of fun that was very satisfying for P100,000 plus an extra P20,000 for pictures.
Photos: Alex 04 05 06 07 08
The night was still young but nothing seemed to be happening. Greg told me that Mondays and Tuesdays are the quietest days of the week at the clubs. The girls did uninspired lackluster strip teasers and then came over and asked for tips. It was still before midnight but we headed back to the mansion.
My impression of my first full day in Medellin was that the reality far outweighed my expectations. I could not help but think that this must have been what Rio was like before the Gringo invasion. My first day also set the trend for the rest of my trip: Centro in the morning, some touring, napping or shopping in the afternoon, and then onto a club in the evening.
I went to bed a very happy monger and slept the sleep of the just.
7th May
I woke early. It seemed that the Mansion had filled up overnight and by 11 there was a small group mulling around the lobby and pool. By the time Boyd turned up there were a few of us ready for a run to Centro. I was the only newbie and the group was ready to party. Bob kindly offered to drive us to Centro. First stop was the famous New Life Sala de Masajes.
Inside New Life
We all found something we liked and I chose Mary, another great session, although I could not help but think it would be way better if I spoke a little Spanish.
Photos: Mary 09 10 11 12
After a very happy hour for P35,000 (US$20.00), I grabbed a drink in the waiting room with a few of the guys and waited for the rest to emerge. Some of the new arrivals were long time travelers to Colombia and it was nice to hear the war stories. Unlike the ones I had heard in Rio none involved attacks, muggings or other crimes, most started “Do you remember (insert girls name here)? NOW THERE WAS A SPINNER, SHE… No one had negative stories, just happy and sometimes self effacing anecdotes. It was clear that if you come here often enough, you fall in love and not just with the city. The remaining guys trickled in, and the consensus was that a great time was had by all.
Centro from the balcony of New Life.
Bob took us on a drive to see the street girls. He should post some of the stories he told since I could not do them justice. The street scene seems a little rough but I was more then up to giving it a try, some of the girls where really cute, and the prices quoted (like $10 for a few hours) made risking your life worthwhile.
We had lunch in the food hall of the shopping centre nearest the Mansion. Bob and Boyd both recommended a steakhouse there. Its name escapes me but for about $8 I had a steak, salad and baked potato that was up there, really worthwhile. After lunch I walked around the shopping centre with one of the guys who was on his fourth trip to Medellin in less then a year and obviously very passionate about the whole Medellin experience. We took the short walk back to the mansion. It was already late afternoon and I was expecting Nastyworld to make his usual grand entrance within the next few hours.
Nastyworld turned up with suitable fanfare at about 8 PM and although he was not staying at the Mansion, he and Greg immediately hit it off. Nastyworld had booked a magnificent apartment overlooking the city. It had a few problems, one was that it was in a state of disrepair, but I don’t want to encroach on his trip report. After the great steak at lunch I was very eager to try some real Colombian cooking. Nastyworld had hired a translator guide named Victor and he recommended the restaurant El Rancherito (www.elrancherito.com.co). The view of the city was great and it was not overpriced, but Colombian food was not really to either of our liking—it was a bit like Mexican food but without the heat.
Not to poach on another member’s area of expertise but here is a picture.
The guide then took us on a city tour by night, not much to see just some lady boys plying their trade and a few street walkers. As we slowed the taxi there were always a few girls who made a move towards us. There are a few streets where the concentration of ladies was quite high and we stopped and did a walk about. For the first time and even with Nastyworld and Victor the guide I did not feel safe. After the tour we drove to Club Facell to meet up with the guys from the Mansion.
Facell has a P10,000 cover to keep the riff-raff out, and is just plain cool. A loud, noisy bustling strip joins with dozens of girls hanging around. The shows are fair and the girls are way more proactive then at San Diego, and in general cuter too. Facell also has the feel of a converted warehouse but it has been done out well. The stage that runs the length of the place has all kinds of bars and swings for the girls to play with. I did not participate in the fine selection of ladies there, in part because of the validating nature of my newly arrived wingman, who shall remain nameless. Right Nastyworld? We left at about 2.30 AM but had to head back when my nameless wingman arrived at his apartment to find he had lost his keys. Some guys just can’t hold their rum, right Nastyworld? Then we got back there, the place was still humming.
8th May
Today was set aside to get the touristy things out of the way. Although Medellin is far from being a tourist city, thankfully, it does have some touristy things to offer that you can use to justify a trip there.
Pueblito Paisa is a replica of an old Antioquian town on Cerro Nutibarra, a hill with great views of the city.
Museum De Antiquia and the Fernando Botero statues
The cable car
And Pablo Escobar grave.
I insisted we stop at a factory outlet centre, I love to shop and it looked interesting. There is a saying in Medellin that translates as “the girls of Medellin have three months to get beautiful, if they fail they must fuck off to Cali.”
From what I saw it could be true. I have never been in a city with such a concentration of attractive women. I am not a gawkier by nature but the girls of Medellin had my head spinning.
Vanessa of Metropolitan took us around. It came to P70,000 each for Nastyworld and me, all included, which was not a bad deal. We got back at about 6 PM. Had a quick session at the mansion to make up for missing Centro in the morning. For the first time the girl, whose name escapes me, did not allow me to take pictures. The session was nice and she stayed in the room for two or so hours, a little GFE time. As I was told more then once in Medellin it’s easer to negotiate time then price.
At about 11 PM a group of us headed out to La Torre, a club recommended by Nastyworld’s guide. At first I did not like the place. It was badly lit, so it was hard to see what was going on. It was also almost empty with only a few patrons and about a dozen girls in the place, there could have been more but in the dark it was hard to tell. They set up a few couches for us near the stage and brought us the customary bottle of rum and about a half dozen Cokes. We settled in to watch the show which really was not up to Facell’s standard and I was quite ready to leave but then Gully came and joined us. You know those girls that are more a force of nature? The girls that have been around for a while and have really embraced the life style with a vengeance, a Terma girl at her best. Well, that was Gully. In the room she did not disappoint, rocked my world at P90,000 for an hour but we went well over, no extra charge. Much to my surprise when we headed back to the club she sat with me until we left at 3 in the morning. I got her details and planned on inviting her over to the mansion on Sunday. I also found myself doing those strange equations in my head. How much a ticket home from Medellin costs? How much to keep her for a few weeks? You know the ones, the questions that are a true mark of an idiot or a newbie.
Photos: Gully 13 14 15 16
9th May
In the Morning Boyd was taking some new arrivals out to two of his favorite Massage places, so I tagged along. It was a bit of a bust as most of us didn’t find anything worth doing. On the way to these clubs, which were right next door to La Torre, I saw some army surplus and gun shops. I am a gun nut so I was quite happy to meander through these shops before lunch. After lunch and having missed out on the fun of Centro I took Sandra at the Mansion back to my room for a little R and R.
Photos: Sandra 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29
After Sandra it was nap time.
In the evening we decided to hit a few strip joints, first stop was International. International had all the charm of a prison cell, a Mexican prison cell from an Oliver Stone movie. Some girls well past their prime latched onto us and would not accept “No” for an answer. Then it was onto Apotesis, the best of all worlds as far as clubs go—lots of talent, fun shows with a shower built into the middle of the stage, and a fun relaxed vibe. It also had a good sound system and played a decent mix of music. It has a brick interior and the decor is kind of “TGI Fridays meets a Butt man video.” I love this place. Alexandra came over and joined us—a real cutie, a little expensive at P120,000 but I could not resist. I have no problem with willpower, it’s will-not-power that causes me problems.
Photos: Alexandra 30 31
The rooms at Apotesis are very basic but clean.
Alexandra and I ran a little over, and there was some very urgent knocking on the door at 1 hour and 3 seconds, I didn’t like that. We headed back to the club and Alexandra sat with us until about 2 AM. Then she headed home, and we closed the place about an hour later. Everyone seemed to have a great time, especially Nastyworld, right?
10th May
I was running a little low on funds so I made an early start and walked down to the bank to change some cash. It was Saturday and I was surprised that Boyd was doing a Centro run, happily surprised. There were only the two of us so we grabbed a cab. The place was called Sexy, a little low end but some nice girls working there. I chose Patricia, a tall leggy blond, P40,000, no pictures. It took her a little while to warm up, but after she did the mood and service improved, the lady had skills but was a little too professional. No kissing (to start with), CBJ, no DATY and she was a little stiff. It was not a bad session but Medellin had spoiled me.
After Sexy’s we went walking about. I needed to get a little gift shopping in and Boyd was kind enough to play interpreter. We stopped at the local Mickey D’s knock-off Texas Burgers for lunch. If you ever get the chance to try a Texas' Burger, just stay no. I think that chunk of Soya will be in my colon until I die.
After running Boyd around for a few hours we took a taxi back. I had noticed that Boyd and the other guys from the Mansion just hailed taxis on the street, New York style, so I asked him about the safety factor. He thought it was funny that I was concerned so he translated the question into Spanish for the driver, who just laughed and said something back to Boyd that had them both in stitches. I have to learn Spanish. In all I never saw anyone taking any special precautions when dealing with taxi drivers, all the taxi’s were metered and not once did I have any problem that knowing a little Spanish would not have solved. The computers and free international calling were still not working at the Mansion so I took the short walk to El Castillo and used their connections which worked just fine. After my morning of heavy exertion I headed back to the Mansion for a much deserved rest.
Nastyworld and I headed to Basilica Restaurant (Cr 38 8A-42 Antioquia) for dinner. The place was really humming, the food was OK but the view! Eye candy everywhere. We walked around a little and visited a few of the night stalls selling local crafts.
After our walk about we headed to San Diego but the place was dead, although it might have been a little early (about 11:30) when we got there. We stayed for about 45 minutes hoping things would improve but they didn’t, so it was off to a no name place recommended by our guide. It was much more down and dirty than any of the places we had been and the talent was weak, so after one beer it was off to the tried and tested Apotesis where we were greeted like regulars. The doormen cleared a table near the stage for us—real VIP treatment. Once again we closed the place at about three in the morning. I took a takeout, Luno , all night P150,000. If you want to take a girl out before closing there is a P50,000 bar fine. Luno was great—everything you would want for an all nighter, a real energizer bunny. She just kept going and going. She eventually left at about 10.30; she would have stayed longer if I had wanted, but I needed some sleep.
Photos: Luno 32 33 34
The pictures really do not do her justice.
11th May
Sunday, my last real day in Medellin and I was looking forward to the infamous pool Barbeque. A picture is worth a thousand words so here it goes.
Photos: Pool Barbeque 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48
The evening rolled on and a good time was had by all. A bunch of us stayed talking until well after midnight, it was a very cool evening. I knew that this was the first of hopefully many trips to Medellin, because in every way this town had exceeded my expectations. I had had a great time. For my last Medellin session I chose Carolina. She was very enthusiastic and had some funny habits which I will not go into here.
Photos: Carolina 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58
12th May
After a very late night I woke early and finished my packing, said my goodbyes, and headed to the airport.
I changed my flight so that I could fly with Nastyworld, no extra charge. The flight into Bogotá was about 35 minutes and more then a little bumpy. I wish I had had my camera with me as the plane flew low and there were some great aerial shots of the Columbian countryside. Bogotá airport was nicer then I had expected, and I made a mental note to do a little shopping there on my way back to the states.
Girl at airport.
I was missing Medellin already, but looking forward to getting to Peru. I expected Lima to be the highlight of my trip. The flight was uneventful and we arrived a little early. I cleared customs without a hitch which surprised me a little. Our driver was waiting as we walked into the arrivals hall. He was a short, stubby, disheveled individual that remind me a little of the caricature Paulie Pennino from the Rocky films. He also had a very unique stench. His car suited his personal style: a broken down crap-o-lac with a scattering of used beer bottles, wrappers and cigarette stubs anklet deep in both the front and back. Nastyworld looked at me as if to say “are we really getting into this piece of shit”, and I shrugged. What choice did we have?
The ride to the apartment was uncomfortable and unnerving, and I was very glad when it was over. The apartment was well situated and I was pleased with the location as it was in walking distance of everywhere you would want to go in Miraflores. Julia was there to meet us and take us up to our apartments. I was surprised to find my flat-mate, Happyboy, had already settled in. After a short tour Julia grabbed the money and ran. It was only later that I found out half the things in the apartment didn’t work. Like my shower that only had two minutes worth of hot water at a time, you needed a PhD to work the stove, the fridge kept shorting out, and although it was freezing weather, there were no heaters in the place. Another problem was the bed—it had an old smelly mattress on it that must have been old when Moses was young. The whole flat smelt musty I was not a happy camper.
The Apartment block
The view
The wiring
Nastyworld’s place was not much better but that’s for him to comment on.
Happyboy suggested that we head down to Pizza Alley for dinner and my mood immediately improved. I had heard so much about the place it was time to see it for myself. Miraflores is relatively safe and very interesting to walk around. I immediately noticed a strong police presence around the town. Happyboy tried to convince me that it was because there was a UN sponsored presidential summit with dozens of South American and European leaders coming to town. That does he know, it was because of our mongers dinner, there would be 8 of CH’s most infamous members in attendance. Not since Apalachin in ‘57 had there been such a formidable gathering. Pizza Alley is just that—a short Ally of Kennedy park lined with Café-styled eateries on each side. The food was OK if a little over priced, but the Ally is touristy with all the good and bad things that being a tourist trap encompasses.
Happyboy had planned his trip well, had spent some time cultivating some non-pros on the internet, and had made a plan to meet one of these ladies at TR in La Marina. It was a dump in the sticks, empty and with no action. After an excruciating half hour and the most expensive glass of Jack Daniels I have ever drunk, we headed back to Miraflores to try the original, famous and indisputable Tequila Rock.
The door was S30 and they made us leave our cameras at the door. I can’t imagine why, there was nothing to photograph, the place was almost as dead as dump in La Maraca. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement, but I consoled myself with the thought that it was Monday, a slow night in a lot of cities. There were a few 5’s and 6’s about and I really didn’t feel like heading home alone so I hooked up with Betty. She started giving me great GFE in the bar, and I guess we all know a few 6’s that become 9’s then the lights go out. She asked for $100 all night which seemed fair so we headed back to the hovel (as I had begun calling the apartment).
As soon as we walked through the door things heated up a notch and when she asked for the cash up front, I was not concerned because I had read on the site that in Lima this is the norm. I was looking forward to a fun welcome to Lima.
What happened next is a little hard and more then a little embarrassing to explain as soon as we hit the bedroom the bitch passed out! I didn’t know what to do. This had never happened to me before. I really did not know how to respond I tried to wake her gently but that did not work so I decided to climb into bed with her and catch a little sleep in the hope that she would wake up in a while and we could continue. Needless to say she never woke up and I had a very bad night’s sleep. The next morning while I was in the bathroom she made a dash for the door. So much for my first girl in Peru, I had just had my worst experience ever. I was not a happy camper.
I am a sulker. Its not one of my nicest qualities but when things do not go my way I sulk. I am not a good looser, but I couldn’t help but cheer up when LAguy turned up with Blissman in tow and we headed up to Pizza Alley for lunch. As we walked down Pizza Alley Blissman was tackled by a waitress. Now I am from Africa and I have seen lionesses take down buck for real and what happened to Blissman was straight out of National Geographic. Blissman even had the same look on his face—you know, the one like a startled deer’s, caught in truck’s headlights just before it becomes road kill. Isn’t it fun when old acquaintances turn up unexpectedly? Obviously we had to eat at this serving wench’s eatery. The food was OK and it was a fun lunch with Blissman’s lady and a friend of hers jabbering away. After lunch we headed our separate ways as Nastyworld had things to do and LAguy had some work to catch up on.
I spent the afternoon taking in the sights. It was cold and wet and I hadn’t seen the sun since arriving in Lima. In the evening after dinner, a group of us decided to try out Las Cucardas (http://www.lascucardasclub.com.pe). It’s S20 to get in and S50 a girl. This was supposedly the cheap and nasty place of Lima and even our cabby driver warned us not to wonder around. Las Cucardas is situated in an industrial area on the way to the airport. The streets are deserted except for the hustle and bustle around the club’s doorway. As you enter there is a counter to the right where you pay your fee and get a ticket, drink voucher and a condom. You are then searched. Nothing with a camera is allowed in the place and that included my cell phone. The place is a large “H” set out like a cheap motel except that there are scantly clad ladies at each door (unless they are otherwise engaged). At the right hand top of the H is a small bar and strip club. The girls range from butt ugly to quite cute, and there is something for every taste. LAguy commented that it was if they had put a roof over Tijuana but the way he said it was as if he was saying “Hi Honey, I’m home!” The place was sleazy but in a fun way. The place was a gauntlet of tits and ass, with every girl flashing you a smile or blowing you a kiss as you walked past. The rooms were very basic: a single bed, a sink, and a toilet. Feeling the need to do some further research after walking around the place a few times and taking in a show or two, I chose to spend some time with Fernanda. She was tall, long-leggy, well tanned, sultry brown eyes, a dazzling smile and with a large natural chest that was yet to see the ravages of childbirth or gravity. It was not exactly a GFE, it was production line sex, nothing special. As we say in Africa I was just getting my rocks off. She was nice but it was a little too professional and hurried for my taste. The only thing that seemed genuine was the long goodbye kiss she gave me after I gave her a small tip. From her reaction I don’t think it’s a custom at this place to give tips.
We hung around the place until 3 AM and then headed back through a deserted city.
15th May
I had to get up early for a tour of Pachacamac, famed as the second most visited agrological site in Peru. It did not really live up to expectations, partly because as a visitor you can go hardly anywhere and you can not enter any of the excavations, and partly because it’s just, well, really run down with a small afterthought of a museum and not a lot of information or artifacts to get excited about. Some nice views though.
After hiking around ruins for most of the morning we headed back to Lima and stopped at Punto Blanco, one of those buffet places along the coast, with an all you can eat buffet for S49—nothing too inspired but a nice view of the mist. After lunch we visited the Museo “oro del Peru” the Peruvian gold museum. Personally I didn’t find the gold that interesting.
It lacked a historical and cultural context.
But they had a great gun collection. Now I am a bit of a gun nut and I could gladly have spent the whole day studying this collection. Nowhere have I seen such a collection of rare and fine pieces so poorly displayed. There was a rare Astra 600 C F in mint condition (less than two hundred were ever made), and enough factory engraved colts to make old Henry envious. The guns looked like they had been thrown into their display cases with some rare and exotic pieces stuffed in the back. There was even a fine collection of egged weapons and amour and some excellent Japanese pieces.
After a hard day spent touring we hooked up with a few more mongers and headed back to Las Cucardas. What surprised me on entering was that the number of girls had increased dramatically from the night before and the quality had taken a step or two in the right direction. After hanging around there for a while and enjoying the show. I chose one of the new arrivals and headed to her room. She was a petite girl with long wavy dark hair and a spinner’s body, very cute and happily jabbering away in Spanish oblivious to the fact that I didn’t understand a word. It was the nearest thing to a GFE that I had in Peru. Hearing my fellow mongers having a discussion through the paper thin walls was a little disconcerting, though. Afterwards we visited the club next door, which was a little bit more like a strip joint with a few girls hanging around. Nothing really caught anyone’s eye, so after a detailed appraisal of the place we headed home.
15th May
Today was the day of the big dinner, but it didn’t start off as I had hoped. After a late morning I headed over to where some of the other CH members were staying. We had planned to have a bite of lunch. As we sat in the lobby one of the new arrivals came down and joined us. I was looking forward to meeting this member but obviously the feeling was not mutual. It was not personal, he had no interest in talking to any of us and unceremoniously uninvited us from the lunch that we had arranged before he arrived. No offense but one dinner with us was all he could take, no offense hell right. I guess that I can no longer write that I have never met a CH member that I haven’t got on with. A bit bemused and slightly pissed off, we headed out. Nastyworld and I arrange to meet LAguy after lunch to visit the RL Herrera Museum. It has the most extensive collection of pre-Colombian art. I don’t know art but from what I saw the ancient Colombians must have been a highly enlightened and fun-loving society.
I don’t know if its art but I know what I like.
After the museum I conned Nastyworld and LAguy into joining me on a visit to the Fort in the hope of seeing Lima’s war museum. It was a little disappointing but the guide was cute and the views excellent. After an extended tour we headed back.
The big dinner—I had been looking forward to this the whole time I had been in Lima and in all truth, this was one of the reasons I had not left Lima already. The evening did not start well as our taxi took us to the wrong restaurant and we arrived a little late. The restaurant, whose name escapes me, was up market and possibly not the best location to have a mongering dinner. We needed a place where you could be loud and well, act like an American, not a place with classical music playing in the background. We exchanged war stories and a good time seemed to be had by all, and I was a little saddened when the party broke up early. Some of the group was going to TR and they twisted my rubber arm and I joined them. I really had not planned on revisiting TR after my last experience there, but some of the regulars convinced me that what happened to me was akin to a lightning strike and a bad time was unlikely to happen again.
We arrived at TR after being padded down and handing in our cameras and were waved in without paying a cover charge—an obvious benefit of being in the company of greatness. The evening started off well and I actually got what I ordered. It was a fun night made so more by the company than the venue. One of my fellow travelers suggested that I hook up with the girl sitting next to me as she came…highly recommended and I have to admit her GFE was excellent—plenty of touchy-feely and DFK, lots of shy smiles and little squeezes. She was a six at best but made up with it with attitude although she drank like a fish—a few of the group commented on the fact that she could drink a platoon of marines under the table. I was having a good time and even a little sad to leave.
Then the bill came and everyone was in agreement that it was slightly over the top. The regulars chimed in and the bill was slashed by about a quarter but was still heavily padded. I didn’t want to argue and spoil a fun evening and I don’t imagine it would have done any good anyway. Jessica was a lot of fun in the cab on the way back to the apartment and the GFE continued even after she upped the rate she had agreed to from US$80 to US$100 plus taxi. There was a hiccup when I said I would pay her in the morning but she seemed satisfied when I took out the money and put it on the side table. “You take it tomorrow” I said. She nodded her head in agreement and waddled off to the bathroom, came out about 5 minutes later and the GFE continued. She even allowed me to take a picture or two although she just lay there like a dead fish. After the pictures she started a less then enthusiastic CBJ and after a few strokes fled to the bathroom. I thought that the drinks had finally caught up with her and waited for her to emerge. Which she did about 10 minutes later fully dressed! I couldn’t figure out what was happening.. She came over to the bed and leaned over as if to kiss me—instead she deftly swiped the cash of the side table, stuffed it into her bag and said cold as stone that she wanted to leave. I said that she could go if she wanted but I wasn’t paying her US$100 plus taxi for what had happened. She said defiantly that no, she go now. I said I would give her S50 and she could fuck off. She said no. As I have never hit a woman and still can’t imagine myself raising my hand to a female, it was stalemate. I tried to call the doorman to mediate but the intercom was broken, yet another thing that didn’t work in the fucking apartment—scratch that—in the fucking country! I threatened to call the police. She called my bluff and said OK. I felt like an idiot. Eventually after I had enough of this shit I threw her out and looked at my watch—it wasn’t even 4 AM, yet she had been in the apartment less then an hour.
Photos: Jessica 59 60 61 62
Night from hell
Now you can review my posts and reports, I have never given a negative revue of a girl and posted her picture, but I told her I would so at least that’s one promise I can keep.
16th May
I woke in a foul mood and headed to Nastyworld’s apartment to use his computer and change my flight plans. I wanted out of Lima! I called Avienca with hope of getting back to Medellin but that would cost me about US$800, or about twice the cost of my current ticket. Any change was about US$200 plus the flight, and I couldn’t get on an earlier flight to Bogotá. Nastyworld asked me to cool down and take the day to think about it but I got the address for the closest Avienca office and stuffed it into my pocket. I also checked on Bogotá hotels and couldn’t find anything for less than US$100.00, and I knew there was no way I would get a refund on the apartment from hell. Nastyworld partly to calm me down suggested we head out and do a little touring. He had not seen San Francisco church and the catacombs beneath it or visited the government district.
Churches, shopping, and walk about, but before that we visited our fellow mongers for a late breakfast early lunch.
When I told them about my experiences the night before they were a little incredulous and the gent who had recommended the bitch became very apologetic but also a little defensive. I made it very clear that I didn’t hold him responsible, I am a big boy and I make my own choices. It was agreed that he would speak to her and get back to me with her side of the story, maybe I had done something inadvertently to offend her. I was sure I hadn’t. I agreed that I would not post anything about the incident until he got back to me, maybe if he spoke to her I would get my money back. I didn’t hold out much hope, but even if I did I had lost a night of mongering that I would never get back.
The streets of Miraflores were closed for the conference and it felt very safe walking around the city with cops on every corner.
Nastyworld and I headed to a chafa for lunch, as they call the local Chinese restaurant. It was truly terrible and Nastyworld spent the rest of the afternoon ragging me about my travel and restaurant choices, reminding me that the only reason he had come to Lima was because of my suggestion, that it was his first trip to South America, and he was having as bad a time as me, is if I didn’t feel bad enough already. We walked the city and did a little touring before heading back to our respective hovels. When I got back I was not surprised to find that the maid had not turned up although I had paid extra to have the apartment regularly cleaned. I called Julia, the maid would be there tomorrow. Yes right, in ten days the apartment was not cleaned once and Julia started ducking my calls.
In the evening we headed as a group to Club Scarlets. It was quite a long drive from Miraflores.
Scarlets was a much more up-market club than any of the others I had seen in Lima. It was pretty quiet when we arrived but one of the managers told us that it was still a little early. The girls would start arriving, he said, and they did—in dribs and drabs at about midnight. The quality was way higher then anywhere else that I had been and my foul mood began to evaporate. This could be a fun night after all. I should have known better: the first girl I approached wanted US$300 for an hour. I guess I should have been flattered, she asked US$500 from another CH member that shall remain nameless. The night moved on and after show or two I approached another lady. I started talking to her, her English was not bad, half way through our chat she simply turned her back on me and started talking to her friends. I felt like a lost fart in a perfume factory and after a few minutes headed back to the table, ordered myself a drink, and settled in for the night.
Hell, I hate this fucking city. A little while later I was hanging out at the bar when a girl approached me. At best she was a 6 in anyone’s book, and she asked for stupid money so I sent her on her way. Maybe the pricing was due to all the politicians in town getting laid on the taxpayers’ dime. The place definately had its fair share of grey suits around but that didn’t help my situation. I had a few drinks, lit a Cuban, watched a few shows and waited the night out.
17th May
I slept in a little and then took a walk to the Avienca offices. The place was closed since it was Saturday and the place closed early. I had missed them. After a slow walk through the cold streets, I headed back to the San Martin Hotel where I met up with two fellow travelers. We headed to lunch at La Rosa Nautica Espigon 4, Costa Verde, Miraflores. Tel 447-0057.
This is one of Lima's loveliest restaurants, set in a fabulous Victorian-style building at the end of a pier overlooking the Pacific Ocean. The other guys had been to TR and I was told that Jessica , the bitch from hell, had told them that we had sex. Gee whiz, you’d think I would remember that. The meal was the best that I had enjoyed in Lima. After lunch I said my sad goodbyes. LAguy was leaving and I would have gladly traded places with him.
It was Nastyworld’s last night in Lima and he had plans to meet some non pro. Happyboy was leaving in the evening and wanted me to go along to a farewell dinner with one of his non pros and her sister, the plan being divide and conquer. We headed down to Pizza Alley and they arrived a little late. Happyboy’s plan worked perfectly and he and his lady headed off back to the apartment so that he could “pack;” afterwards, she wanted to go with him to the airport. Happyboy and I said our goodbyes on Pizza alley. I asked da sister what she wanted to do and she wanted to go to Centro Comercial Larcomar and catch a film which sounded pretty good to me so we took a taxi to the shopping centre and walked around a little. The next film was at 10 so we had plenty of time. There is a little arcade in the centre so we spent the evening shooting aliens and playing air hockey. Happyboy’s lady turned up red eyed and suitable depressed. I took the non pro’s home and then headed back to Las Cucardas for a little R & R. I was also hoping to run into a few of the CH members left in Lima at the club. I hung out there until about 3 AM. The place was really hopping, a little too full for my comfort. I looked for my spinner from a few nights back but she was not around or otherwise engaged. I chose a girl, I don’t think she even gave me her name, who was leaning on at the door to her room in a skimpy blue bikini. She was about 5’4” with long black her and almost Indian features, and a nice rack. The session was vintage Las Cucardas: hurried, a little too professional but value for money at the price.
18th May
We stayed up most of the night and as the sun rose I said my goodbyes to Nastyworld, who was flying out early. I headed back to the shit hole, climbed into bed, and prayed that I could sleep through to Wednesday.
I spent the day shopping. The driver took me to shopping at a centre in Passo de la Republica called La Victoria. DVD’s for $1 each, cheap suitcases—a shopping experience very reminiscent of MBK’s in Bangkok.
I went by the other CH members hotel to see if anyone was up for some lunch but no one was about. The non pro sisters came passed in the late afternoon and I took them out for a bite to eat. We spent most of the day together and Happyboy’s non pro’s sister was getting quite amorous with lots of kissing and touchy feely but I could see it wasn’t going anywhere so after dinner I sent them packing, this time I gave them taxi fair and headed back to Las Cucardas for some late night fun.
19th May
After a late wake up, I headed to Shopping 5th Av. near Kennedy Park to buy some shirts. This place has great deal on real designer golf shirts. As you can see, when I can’t monger I shop. After a little shopping and a little walking I went past Blissman and CFK’s hotel, but they where not around. I got a call from Mariluz, Happyboy’s non pro’s sister, or more correctly Happyboy’s driver/guide who hade taken us around the day before. Did I want to see Mariluz today, she was a teacher and finished work at about 2.30 PM we could meet for a late lunch. What the fuck, I didn’t have anything better to do, so I told Gio to go fetch her. We had lunch at Costa Verde, another one of those buffet places over looking the ocean. Quality wise, it was better then Puno blanco, and yes she did turn up with her sister.
After lunch we went to fetch Nastyworld’s laundry. Yes Nastyworld had forgotten that the 18th was a Sunday and that the Laundromat would be closed, so he had left a shirt or two behind and wouldn’t I mind bringing them back to the states with me and posting them to him? Sure, why not except a shirt or two turned out to be 14 pounds of clothing. All of a sudden I didn’t feel that sorry for Nastyworld and we drove back to the discount centre to by a suitcase because there was no way Nastyworld’s stuff would fit in mine. On the bright side, I could now go out and do a little more shopping.
It was getting late and Mariluz suggested we go to San Isidro for a little while and walk around. It was quaint, I guess it was the old city center.
After walking about we drove back to Centro Comercial Larcomar so the sisters could play a game or two at the arcade. Sorry didn’t I mention it—This time she turned up with TWO sisters.
After more fun and games we headed to a traditional Peruvian diner…Tony Roma’s. After dinner it was getting pretty late and although I has kind of enjoyed the day it was time to send the sisters home so I piled them in a taxi, paid the fare and sent them on their way. As soon as they where out of sight I was off to Las Cucardas. When I arrived at LC they treat me as a regular, even the guard said hello as I entered. Same old same old, headed out about 2 AM. Mariluz had said that as tomorrow was my last night in Lima she had something special planned, so more the likely this would be my last visit to Las Cucardas. I wouldn’t miss the place—it was the best of Lima but nothing there would demand an encore. I wouldn’t recommend the place but then again I wouldn’t recommend Lima.
20th May
Mariluz turned up early at the flat and helped me pack. Afterwards we headed to Los Delfines Hotel Delphos Café’ San Isidro. The food was good and not as overpriced as you would think. The Hotel has a dolphin pool with two bottle-nosed dolphins, which was a little unexpected but made for an interesting lunch.
Oh, by the way, this time she didn’t turn up with her sister, not even two sisters. No, this time she turned up with two sisters and two nephews.
Strangely one of the kids and I had the same look on our faces, I guess he didn’t know what the fuck was going on either.
Now Happyboy had bought his non pro girl a jacket, and she wore it every day. He had spent about US$40 or so he told me. So Mariluz asked me could I get her a present? She also wanted a jacket, it didn’t seem like a big deal, I had seen where the girls live and it wasn’t exactly in the lap of luxury and I don’t think that she had a good winter coat. She had borrowed one of my jackets which was way to big and Lima was freezing.
So after lunch we headed back to Miraflores to do a little shopping. Gio warned me that the shop she wanted to go to was not cheap, but she replied that they had a sale on. We arrived at a store that was the Lima version of Macy’s. Her jacket cost slightly over US$100.00. I was not happy but I didn’t have the heart to say no. Everyone deserves something nice in their lives and from what I saw these girls had a pretty tough life.
She sent the sisters on there way so that we could have a little alone time. I was not really into her, she and her sisters had been a diversion to keep my mind off how shitty my time in Lima had been but it was clear that she had other things in mind. Now let me make some things clear. Normally I stay away from non pros, they are more hassle then they are worth. I am not prepared to lie to get laid and most of these girls are looking for a relationship or at least the illusion of one. I had made no promises to Mariluz. In fact, I had said that I probably wouldn’t be back. I hadn’t made a move on her but I was not going to be rude either, and she was all over me. She insisted that we go to Kisser’s statue in Love Park. It is located on the cliffs of Chorrillos and has a great view. We sat around there for a little while and then headed back to the apartment. I made arrangements with the driver to pick me up at about 2 PM to go to the airport. She said she wanted to stay with me until I leave.
We got upstairs and started with some heavy petting then all of a sudden she stopped and headed off to the bathroom. When she came out she told me her period had started. Her statement and the look on her face just hit me in the funny bone, it was perfect. I was not trying to be cruel but I just couldn’t help myself. I started to laugh, to laugh at the pure absurdity of it all. Of course she thought I was laughing at her and offered to prove to me that she was telling the truth. She started to cry, that’s another reason I don’t like non pros, at some point they always cry. I told her it wasn’t her, kissed her a few times, and as soon as she calmed down I gave her cab fare and showed her the door. She wanted me to wait downstairs with her until she found a cab, but as I pointed out I had taken my shoes off already so it was less hassle if she left by herself. She wanted to see me the next day and go to the airport with me, I said sure, sure we would fetch her on the way to the airport. OK, so I can lie.
It was late and I went to bed.
21st May
I woke early and headed up to an internet café to make a call or two and check my email. On the way back I stopped for breakfast. When the food arrived I got up and left. The waiter tried to stop me but I pointed at the food and reminded him I had ordered my meal without ham. He looked at the plate and let me go. I got back to the shit hole, resisted the urge to trash the place, and called Gio for an early pick up. I still had a little room in my bag and a little cash in my pocket and one thing was sure—I wouldn’t need Peruvian currency on any future trip.
We stopped and shopped on the way to the airport.
I was still a little hungry since I hadn’t had supper the night before and breakfast had been a disaster, so I asked Gio to stop somewhere for a bite, somewhere quick and light and not Mickey D’s. He chose to stop at this KFC in town, it was only fitting. One year ago I had my first meal in Peru at this same KFC, it’s across the square from the Presidents residence.
On that first tired morning in September 2007 I had seen so much promise in Lima. I strained my memory to remember why.
I got to the airport with time to spare, although the traffic was bad.
The check in went smoothly and I paid my airport tax with the last of my soles and waited for my flight. The plane took off on time and as the Avienca flight broke through the clouds I saw the sun for the first time days. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I looked at the cloud stretching out below me and took a pen and paper from my back pack. “Manila and LOS in October” I wrote then changed it “Manila, LOS and Vietnam in October.” Life goes on…
The flight landed in Bogotá at just after nine. After moving through all the security I asked where I could get something to eat and was told that I could go back to the shops area and restaurant situated after where you pay the airport tax but before the departure hall. Strangely for an international airport, most of the shops close at 9 PM it seems, but I was able to pick up a bottle or two of Medellin Rum and in the end, what more could you ask for.
Conclusion
I wanted a little time to go by before I started on this report, to allow my feelings to moderate and get a little perspective. I also had to think long and hard before writing a negative report about a destination, there aren’t many of those reports around and with good reason. I hope that what I have written about Lima is taken in the spirit in which it was intended and in the hope that other mongers will avoid the pitfalls that I experienced.
On the other hand please ignore everything I have written about Medellin. Stay away, well stay away until after my next visit which should be in March next year. Next time I plan on visiting more of the country. I think Colombia has a hell of a lot to offer and I can’t wait to get back there.
On a more practical note: I traveled this time without a laptop, thinking I could travel light. It was a huge mistake, a little penny wise and pound stupid.
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