BOTTOM LINE: Come to Laos to see it as a general tourist if you want, but
not for girls --that's only something to try if you're here anyway and
feeling really horny. Beautiful demimondes are nonexistent. Values are poor
here in comparison to Thailand.

THE LAW: "Any foreigner who enters into a sexual relationship with a Lao
national may be interrogated, detained, arrested, or jailed. Lao police have
confiscated passports and imposed fines of up to $5000 on foreigners who
enter into disapproved sexual relationships." Much more at:
http://travel.state.gov/laos.html

Even though I am out of commission (see the gonorrhea thread) I can still
conduct reconnaissance as usual. Hell, better: I can't do anything so I just
come back out to my tuk-tuk and check out the next place. I cover more
ground and still have fun. So print this off and have a good shit while
you're reading it!

Lao women have beautiful bottoms. The typical Lao bottom appears larger in
the full-length skirts they wear. (More on this later.) In contrast, some
thin Asian women have very skinny model bottoms. Not here. Also, I have not
seen a single tattoo.

Unfortunately, like Costa Rica and Cambodia, Laos is one of those countries
where the cuties are just not for hire. The two real knock-outs I saw were
wearing wedding bands. I realize that some guys just want to get laid and
don't care so much about aesthetics, and I respect that. To each his own.
And each of us has different idea of what is attractive.

If the idea of going to Laos or Cambodia appeals to you because it seems
daring, forget it. Both countries are now crawling with tourists. Vientiane
is is teeming with Lonely Planet backpacker types. It's about as daring as a
trip to Santa Monica.

Vientiane is actually smaller than Nong Khai, the Thai city across the
Mekong river. It only looks bigger on your map because it's the Lao capital.
I got a small-but-nice fan room with a hardwood floor for $10/night at the
Phonepaseuth Guesthouse (not recommended) on Pangkham Road. Good central
location, but visitors are not allowed; rude staff to boot. "No lay-dee,"
the clerk said. Fine with me given my situation, but make sure you ask the
desk wherever *you* check in.

ENGLISH IS generally NOT SPOKEN here in Laos! If you stay at a more
expensive hotel, someone at the front desk will speak some English, but a
tuk-tuk driver who speaks *any* English is a real find. Even the universal
English words "lady" and "boom-boom" are not understood by most drivers.
Not surprisingly, Thai is commonly spoken here, and that saved me. Nearly
all restaurants here in Vientiane have English menus, so ordering food is no
problem.

Lao Kip (10,000 to a U.S. dollar), Thai Baht, and especially the U.S. dollar
are all accepted here. No ATMs! The pharmacies have only Chinese herbal
preparations and a few Commie medications, nothing that's familiar to us. I
doubt the guy manning the pharmacy has any kind of license.

The night spots:

1) Anou Cabaret (next to the Anou hotel): ----------
Nothing to add to KhunK's report; that about covered it. There were two
not-bad-looking ones outside who did not give any sort of come-on and seemed
downright aloof, so I took it they were not for hire. Went inside. Like all
the nightclubs in Vientiane, it was very dark; the only illumination was
from some glitterballs near the stage where there was a "semi-live" band,
i.e., some guys playing easy stuff on top of a recording (also common). They
sat a girl down next to me, but she was quite unattractive even in the dim
light so I left. First price they ask for short time: $60! LOL! Out of the
question! Open from 9 p.m. to midnight. (All the nightclubs close at
midnight. Don't know whether this is Lao custom or Commie curfew. Everything
else also closes at or by midnight. The Internet cafes close at 11 p.m.)

1.5) Nearby "Funny" appears to be just a regular nightclub for Lao youths
who can afford to go to such a place.

2) Sene Souk hotel: ---------------------------------
Near the Novotel building on Luang Prabang Road. There was just one table
with four ladies sitting around it. Spoke to them (or tried to) long enough
to get a good look. Nothing for me. Checked back over an hour later, same
deal.

3) "Happy" beer bar: --------------------------------
Across the dirt road from the Mekong River. It reminded me of the Mexican
countryside (la provincia). Some teenaged guys chuckled and joked as I
pulled up in a tuk-tuk, probably along the lines of "A farang is here to get
his weenie greased." Slim pickens, but there was one girl who appeared to be
about nineteen or twenty with hooters and a smile. Sat down with her at a
table on the river, across the road from the club, and bought drinks. Could
now see that she had a few extra pounds and had been sucking in her gut when
she first flashed that smile at me. Some people spilled out of the bar and a
ten-minute shouting match ensued between an Asian man and one of the ladies,
with the others holding them apart. The Laos are different from the Thais in
demeanor, and public shouting matches are not uncommon. (On average I saw
one public shouting match a day.)

Offered her 500 Baht for one hour with "no boom-boom," she said OK but
wanted 1500 Baht for the house. Hmm. Communication is extremely difficult if
you want something out of the ordinary (like "no boom-boom"), even if you
speak some Thai. It takes a while to communicate what you want, if you can
at all. Their Thai is sometimes no better than yours. An old man who was
evidently in charge broke off our negotiations by motioning for the girl to
come back across the dirt road and sit down with some older Asian men, which
she did, which sort of pissed me off. What's the deal? Another tuk-tuk
driver who spoke a few words of English said, "You come tomorrow?" Me: "Fuck
no, I ain't comin' back tomorrow!" Paid for the drinks and left. The first
asking price for "boom-boom" was 1500 Baht (about $36).

4) Mekong Hotel: -----------------------------------
Also on Luang Prabang Road. Has a club on the ground floor that looks like
the other clubs: very dark inside with a bunch of tables and booths and a
semi-live band. There were about a dozen people seated in here. A male host
who spoke an impressive amount of English (i.e., a little) sat me down.
After telling me "You can choose," he fetched a girl (whom I did not choose)
to my table. Did not like her, so he walked me across the empty dance floor
into a well-lit back room with about twenty girls. Paydirt! Decided on two
favorites as three older Asian men continued their survey and selection. Sat
down with my fave and bought drinks. The host told me $50 for short time!
LOL! What are these people thinking? I declined and he quickly countered
with $35. Even in good health I would have declined and saved my money for
Thailand. They charged me 70,000 Kip (seven bucks) for my water and her
soda!

5) "My friend." -----------------------------------
My tuk-tuk driver took me back to the Sene Souk (see above) where we met
another driver whose face reminded me of a skull. He asked me if I was
looking for a lady and I replied that I was, but --I made the ASL (deaf)
sign for "pretty" and he guessed the meaning close enough. He replied,
"Perfect?" I said yes. As we stood and chatted, a handful of toilet paper I
had put in my shorts as a dick diaper, now heavy with a dollop of
gonococcus-laden peckersnot, started falling down my pants leg. I caught it
before it touched the ground and put it back. I didn't want anyone else to
have to pick it up and get that shit on his fingers and then in his eyes or
mouth.

Skullface jumped into my tuk-tuk and guided my driver to where he said "my
friend," a freelancer, lived. We drove by the now-deserted morning market
and then turned down an unpaved side street, which got more deserted the
further we got from the main road --really deserted. No electric lights at
all. We got to a point where there were some little ramshackle homes
illuminated only by a few outdoor open fires. The shacks themselves were
completely dark. Pitch black. There was not a flicker of light coming from
any of the shacks, so to me they appeared abandoned. I could make out some
male silhouettes in the surrounding darkness. Whoa. The State Department
report on Laos mentions banditry, and my memory of getting the shit kicked
out of me by Mexican robbers at night on just such a desolate road became
vivid. The tuk-tuk slowed to negotiate a pothole, and I quickly jumped out
the back. The tuk-tuk stopped and then Skullface jumped out and ran into one
of the shacks. I faced the direction we had been going and now found myself
squared off against four younger men about seven yards in front of me,
spaced evenly across the road, between me and the shack. Skullface came back
out and beckoned me in a wiseguy manner that made me even more suspicious to
step forward toward him, past the four others, to enter the shack. No
fucking way. I had already begun pacing backward toward the main road. I was
now abreast of my tuk-tuk which had made a U-turn as if to head back to the
main road. I cursed my sandals, wishing I had my boots on so I could fight
and run better.

Suddenly two other men approached me from behind, so I turned and watched
them with sidelong glances as I kept moving. (It is difficult for anyone to
sneak up behind you silently on a dirt road.) I was bigger than any of them
were. Saw no weapons. The two didn't try anything as I went by. I looked
back and could faintly see a totally nude man emerge from the shack onto its
porch, which might mean he had been getting serviced, but who knows? I
picked up my pace without further incident and soon got comfortably close to
the main road --within bolting distance. The tuk-tuk and Skullface picked me
up and we headed back into town. Skullface sheepishly laughed, "My friend
sleep. She sleep."

I mistakenly mentioned before that it's possible to find plums by getting
off the beaten path, but you can also get robbed --or worse! (Especially in
Mexico.) Play it safe.

6) Etoile nightclub --------------------------------
We drove back past the morning market. I had spotted this club on the way to
"my friend" (see above). Skullface had talked me out of stopping here
earlier, saying that his friend was better than any of the girls in that
club. I told the driver to stop this time by using the Thai word "yuut"
(rhymes with "put"). Like the other clubs, it is dimly lit and closes at
midnight. No back room full of ladies here; all six ladies were in the club.
Skullface followed me in and was talking to the club hosts. I figured he was
lying that he had brought me here and therefore deserved some cut of what I
spent. I intervened and told him to go back to where we got him and have my
driver come back for me. Good riddance. The four unoccupied ladies did a
sort of line dance on the floor with one of the hosts, and it was really
cool. It was entertaining. With the pleasant music, it helped me relax. I
selected one to have a drink with and we snuggled in a booth for an hour or
so. We cuddled and she kept reaching in my shirt to rub my bare chest and
back. It was fun, but I wouldn't have gone to the room with her after seeing
her up close. She asked me to dance. I chuckled at the thought of the tissue
falling out of my pants again onto the dance floor for all to see. Little
did these people know that I was packing a low-grade biological warfare
agent. She wanted $15 for short time and said there was a room there, but
she might have asked for more later and said that the $15 was just for the
room, but maybe not, because my bottled water and the lady drink came to
only $1.80.

7) Freelancer -----------------------------------
Spotted another nightclub on the south side of the Lao Cultural Center (a
concert hall). Expected it to be similar to the others, but went out the
next night to make sure. While trying to find it on foot, I walked by the
fountain ("Naam Pooh") off the west end of Pangkham Road. (By the way, the
streets are not well marked here.) The fountain is only on from 6 p.m. to 8
p.m., so you might not immediately recognize it as a fountain outside these
hours. I headed north up a street called "Seh-tahtee-la" and walked past the
Khobchaideu Beergarden, a nice-looking restaurant and bar catering to
tourists. ("Khob chai deu" is a polite way to say "thank you" in Lao.)

This was the most upscale neighborhood I had seen in Vientiane, and there
are rows of shops that also cater to tourists. I was peering to my right
(east) down side streets looking for this one last bar, when I spotted a
couple walking the other way on my side of the street. It was a farang man
with a young Lao woman in the traditional full-length skirt. She had black
hair down to the middle of her back and at first glance appeared attractive.
I waited until we got closer to glance at her, but then she walked directly
toward me, parting with him. She asked me where I was going. Maybe they had
not been together. She was coming on to me and was, obviously at this point,
a freelancer. She turned out to be the only one working that area, though,
so this was a fluke. Her eyes were slightly crossed.

I continued north, now with her. She had one of these nice big beautiful
bottoms I mentioned earlier, so I was curious. She led me into a small open
store (common in southeast Asia) so I could buy a condom. I said, "No
boom-boom," which she at first took to mean that I did not want to do
*anything* with her. I went in the store and bought a bar of soap. I had an
idea. To smooth things out, I finally lied that I already had a condom. That
was understood and we were on our way again. Whenever we walked by other
people (almost entirely locals at this point), she took my hand. I wondered
if it could be one of the set ups the State Department warns about. Was she
flagging these people to notify the authorities to break into our room and
slap me with a whopping fine?

At a corner she turned left and we walked west until we got to the Mekong
river. (She had continued to ensure that she held my hand as we walked by
any other people.) We entered a hotel from a bygone era, went up to a second
floor reception desk, and I paid 40,000 Kip (four dollars) for "short time."
She pleaded with me to do "long time --all night!" for 60,000. I said I
could only do short time. She kept pleading, but I produced no more than
40,000 Kip. After more pleading, we went up a few flights of stairs.

We entered our room, which had a very high ceiling and white plaster walls.
This was an old building that escaped bombing, I supposed, because of its
proximity to Thailand.

I sat on the edge of the bed, trying to reach up her black skirt to finally
get a glimpse of one of these beautiful big Lao bottoms. I said I just
wanted to touch. She pushed my arms away and insisted on "boom-boom" and
"sehk" (she was trying to say "sex"). She kept trying to push me over onto
my back. Our faces got close as she labored to push me over, and I could see
that her teeth were in bad shape. The large old room with its weird lighting
and deafening silence made it seem like I was in an old black and white
vampire movie, and she was moving in for the bite. The halitosis didn't
help.

Finally she gave up and disrobed for me as I sat and watched. Not a bad bod.
I asked her to turn around and I finally got my first look at one of these
Lao bottoms. Nude, it was not at all fat or wide; it is a dimpled bottom
that juts out more to the rear and stays a bit higher. It just has a
different shape which I will give up trying to describe with words. It
somehow fills the traditional Lao full-length skirt out to look like, well,
a big beautiful bottom.

This brings us to my new theory, which I formally propose here for peer
review:
===============================================
The average Mass of Ass remains constant across countries; only the shape
changes.
===============================================
...note that it says "average." We could call this the Constant Mass of Ass
Theory or CMAT. Or we could call it the Relativity of Ass Geometry (RAG). It
is a good scientific theory in the sense that it can be refuted by
observation.

We repaired to the bathroom, where I produced that bar of soap. Had her work
up a lather and jerk me off with soap suds. I figured the antiseptic
properties of the soap would keep her safe from the gonococcus. I must
confess that I felt a bit perverted huddled over a wash basin with a nude
girl jerking me off with soap suds. She kissed me but right away tried
poking her tongue in my mouth, which sort of bothered me, so I stopped that.
At one point she quit, washed all the soap off of me with water, and again
suggested we have "sehk, boom-boom." THEN SHE OPENED HER MOUTH AND STARTED
TO GO DOWN ON IT! WHOA! I stopped her IMMEDIATELY! She never got her mouth
within a foot. Can you imagine her getting Cipro-resistant gonorrhea in her
throat and being stuck here in Laos? Oh, man! I got her started on the
suds-stroking again, we quickly finished up with a little guidance from the
maestro (yours truly), and then I had her wash her hands again twice more
with soap and water. She had no cuts in her hands. She'll be OK.

We hadn't discussed price at all, so I was a bit conerned. I offered 200
Baht and she asked for 100 more, which I gave her.

[Snipped a long story about getting to know her and some of her not-for-hire
friends later that evening. Turns out she's just insecure, even though no
one seemed to look down on her because of her profession. She just wants to
be seen with farangs, I guess.]

The next day, as you all know by now, the infection came back with a
vengeance. (Probably caused by the ejaculation introducing gonoccoci that
had been hiding out in the prostate into the urethra.) I hightailed it back
across the river to Nong Khai, got to a doctor, and got a room at a guest
house right on the river for only 100 Baht / night! (No running water in the
room --you share a bathroom and shower that has no hot water. But heck,
only $2.35 a night? Good place to keep your spending down while you take a
break.)

When you see the wide Mekong flowing from left to right, you're back in
Thailand. Ahh, Thailand, with its modern medical care and variety of
delicious foods (and unfortunately, venereal diseases). After a week in
Laos, I am amazed at how every third Thai woman strikes me as attractive!
There's no place like Thailand, there's no place like Thailand, there's no
place like Thailand...

Signing off,
Your Mekong correspondent, aka The Walking Pharmacy

----------------------------------------

P.S. This table of contents should scare the hell out of anybody. Click the
"Anonymous User" button:
http://wonder.cdc.gov/wonder/STD/STD98TG/STD98TG.HTM

...still wanna play? 8-[]