After an absence of 5 years I thought it time to revisit the Philippines. Manchester to Manila via Abu Dhabi on Etihad. I sample the brand new terminal for the first time. A word of warning It is a bloody long walk from the old one! On the plus side I am a Gold member of Etihad and the sent me a 7 series BMW to take me to the airport and a Jag to take me home. Sadly the bastards are knocking it on the head for economy cheap charlies like me at the end of April.

I had 6 nights in Angeles 7 in La Union and 4 in Subic so I will split the report into bite size chunks. I will attempt to put a humourous slant on the trip. There are no photos which may disappoint the one handed keyboard specialists.

Days 1 and 2 Orchid Inn Angeles

Arrived about 1 am and after a rapid 3 S's I was out on the town. I immeadiately fell into the Angeles trap - there will be something better in the next club. Failed completely and went to bed pissed and alone.

The next morning I set off on Fields and to my surprise (and his) I bumped into an old mate Ken Tuckey who I thought was living in Cambodia but was in the process of moving to Angeles. We immeadiately agreed to meet up at 8pm in Bodyshop for a session that night.

I wandered down towards Perimeter and checked out the daytime haunts. No real changes from last time although the midget with the fat arse was absent from the Gentlemans Club!

That night Ken kept introducing me to various cherry girls including one who put a price of 100,000 pesos on it. That price had stood for a year but at least no inflation on it. I tried to explain that if she lowered the price a year ago she could have collected the 100,000 and had some fun in the meantime. She did not see the business opportunity so I asked if I could be second at the normal price.

That night I felt in need of a bed warmer and whilst in Pasha I told a posse of waitresses that I was looking for a girl with big nipples and one of them showed me a couple of bullets and the deal was done. A great deal too as she turned out to be a blow job specialist. She had to leave early so she had the foresight to set the alarm on her mobile to do the deed all over again before she left.

The next morning I caught a bus from Dau to La Union.

Days 9 to 12 Angeles Phoenix Hotel

Popped into the Royal Amsterdam to leave a message for Ken so we could cause more havoc that night. I went into one afternoon bar a was attacked by a small lady who said she was very shy and would not show me her tits but she did tell me she would suck me dry, swallow and of course lick my arse. God knows what she would do if she overcomes the shyness.

The afternoons were spent on Perimeter with sample BJ's and a longer one cost 3 drinks (450 pesos). It was fairly strange to hear that the pricing had changed. The trip upstairs had been reduced by 200 peso and the 450 service had gone along with the free samples. I asked when the changes were made and was told last month. I said that was funny because they were on offer last week!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was at this time I encountered an honest bar girl she told the bar next door was better than hers and she was right!!!!!!!!!!!!

At nights I went out with Ken always starting at Bodyshop. I had good fun reading fortunes and often had a queue 6 or 7 deep. One girls wanted to know how I did it and what did I see. The only explanation I could give was that I looked at the hand and then saw a picture in my mind. I tried it in one bar and Mummy joined the queue. I naturally said she was the best Mummy in town who always bought customers a drink and of course I read that one 100% correct. At one place I got a sever pain in the wallet when I found to my cost the ladies drink I bought was 250 peso. The showgirls were 3000 EWR and we kept calling for the cheaper goods to be on display.

I found an absolute doll in one bar and she woke up with me twice making me a very happy man. At least once I slept alone having had a ball draining exercise in the afternoon.

Last day Angeles Phoenix Hotel

I came back to Angeles feeling rough as a badgers bum and went to bed having had only 3 drinks. Sorry if you were in the next room I must have kept you awake with my coughing all night. During the afternoon I did buy a few DVDs and when I was looking at the blue coloured ones with the vendor a motorbike roared up with a uniformed guy on board. I immeadiately thought I had been set up and my last pesos would be donated to the Policeman's Ball. Fortune favoured the brave and he turned out to be a Security Guard who wanted a free look at the covers!

My last afternoon I recovered enough to have a short time with a girl from Thi Hi ( just love stockings and suspenders).

At the airport the flight was not full and I did a deal with the counter clerk on Business Class Check in. She blocked 3 seats out for me to give me a fighting chance of a kip and to spare some poor bugger a front row seat to and eight hour coughing fit.

I had a long wait at Abu Dhabi but it was made more pleasant by having a shower. I made a slight error by taking the shower in the ladies by mistake but I got away with it a 7 am.

The nice man from Etihad took me home in a Jag. What a pity the bastards are discontinuing the service for cheap charlies like me.

Days 3 to 9 La Union

I caught a bus from Dau Bus Station. I had to wait only a couple of minutes for an aircon bus to arrive. Good value 256 peso for a hour ride. The bus dropped me off out side Bali Hai Resort where I always stay. My plan was to have a relaxing time at Bali Hai and catch up with old friends.

That night after an absence of 5 years I went into Tramps , Ocean Breeze and Footlights the local clubs. I each one someone called me by name. I must have a great customer or they have great staff ( I favour the latter). I read a few palms in Tramps and was describing to one girls that she would meet a tall Aussie with big balls. She then said "That's my late husband" I nearly shit myself I must be getting good at this. That night I took a small lady from Tarlac who gave me a good seeing to. Another night I took a waitress who again showed dedication to duty. I went into Ocean Breeze and was acosted by a waitress who previously worked in another establishment. She had the reputation of the best blow job on the beach. She remembered me but not the previous blow job.

On the Wednesday I went to the PT Trip which I love to go to especially when it is at a new bar /location for me. Great planning saw the PT at the VFW across the road from Bali Hai. I duly got my attendance mark and sneeked out of the back door to go the bar at Bali Hai East along with a few others. A steady afternoon of drinking saw me sink a few in Finnegans and the Footlights. In Footlights I tried to stand up and caught my foot in the footrest of the stool and went arse over tit backwards. I felt fine when I got up but the next morning I had a real pain in my kidney area and a distinct inability to get out of the bed. That persisted for a good few days.

One night I went to the Casino which has been built at Poro Point since my last visit. It was awful and I didn't stay long. The only good point was seeing Cathy (ex Bali Hai) who is a cashier superviser there. That brought back memories when I ask a waitress out fro Bali Hai. As a good girl she couldn't come without a chaperone. As the day progressed more and more asked if they could come. I ended up taking out 8 of the staff to a couple of Discos and back to Bali Hai to eat. Talk about feeling like a dog with 2 dicks I must have had six or seven dicks that night! I paid the tab for the lot and it was well worth it.

One night I had a liaison with a waitress who confessed she had had horizontal pleasures for 10 months. She had some time to make up and just kept coming and coming. I was so good I did the deal for a second night with a bonus payment system in place. She gives me 100 peso every time she comes and I pay her 500 every time I came. In the morning I made my payment and she gave me the full amount back!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Naturally I insisted she keep the whole sum.

The trip back to Angeles was interesting! After stopping several buses on the highway I realised very few went via Dau. I eventually opted for one going to Mabalacat as most were heading that way and then on to the new expressway. A couple of passengers got the bus to stop at a wet and dry fish stall and I noticed the conductor place the purchased items in the luggage bay. Thank goodness no fish smell for the next few hours. What I didn't realise was that he had placed them next to my canvas holdall. I had to scrub it clean and take all my stinking clothes to the laundry. I caught a trike up through Dau to my hotel.

Days 13/16 Baloy Beach Subic

I booked a room at Blue Rock with Ken Tuckey who had never been out of Angeles before. What a pleasant ride it is on the Expressway now. Sure beats going over the lahar fields in the dry season and a long way round in the wet. The bus driver appeared to have a problem with the hand brake and at one time I thought we would be overtaken by an oxen cart!

Early the first evening we tried a few drinks at the bars on the highway. I got on particularly well with a waitress at Midnight Rambler and we were overwhelmed with attention at Alleycats Bar.

For 3 of the afternoons we spent time at the Floating Bar at Blue Rock which was much better than the one further down the beach. On the first visit the dress code was explained to us. White uniform waitress, red uniform GRO and pink uniform GRO with period! Naturally we wanted to see a bit of wildlife and when one in pink went passed us I asked if she would mind going for a swim as we would like to see a shark or too. We offered to pull her onboard before being eaten. Sadly she was not impressed. That was the last day any of the GRO's turned up in pink. One day I lost a 100 peso bet on how many would be in pink.

On the second evening we ventured out to Subic and first hit Players Bar. Lots of fine looking bosoms were shown as each girl did a bit of a dance and strip. We moved on to Kinkys but not before I warned Ken that we would not be the only blokes in there. He was a little intimidated by being massage by what turned out to be a Billy Boy. I asked another Billy Boy if the toilets had been cleaned in the last 5 years since I was in last. After a slight pause he said I think so! A bit disappointing in there as they did not do blow jobs in the bar anymore or was I there on a bad night!

We tried a locals bar where the girls did a full strip. We only wanted to stop for one and we sent the waiter away when he brought us a second round. That was a mistake as it turned out it was a two drink minimum. The crafty bastards had a sign on the door and whisked it open so quick before you get chance to read it. We negotiated a 1 drink policy after that. It was pretty much dead so we had one last visit to Players which was like going to the cinema years ago when they looped the A and B movies. We just got in for the second showing of the girls we had seen earlier. A 15 peso jeepney ride to us back to Barrio Barreto and more suitable entertainment.

On our second afternoon at the floating bar I bought a few pairs of knickers (new) from the one of the staff. That night we went out doing a few deals. I gave a couple of pairs to girls I really liked and then offered a new for old policy for others. I ended up with 3 second hand pairs still warm! One had a rather strong odour and one girl in Club 1 thoughtfully sprayed hers with perfume before she gave them to me. Club 1 was quite the liveliest place for being attacked by the girls. At one stage I had 3 giving me trial blow jobs. The knickers were such a hit they were telling me where to buy more in Olongapo. It then developed into wanting me to buy bras too. Naturally I couldn't do that without knowing sizes. 34a 32b were called out along with lots of other sizes. Of course I did not believe them and had to have a look for size confirmation. So instead of queuing for palm reading I had a queue showing me their tits. Oh happy days.

I never got to Olongapo next day so I had a look around Barrio. I found a stall that had clothing so I asked the girl for knickers. The conversation went something like this:

Me -Do you sell knickers ?
Girl - What size?
Me - Small
Girl - No
Me - Where can I buy some?
Girl - Don't know
Me - Where do you buy yours?
Girl - no answer
Me - I guess you don't wear them then.

I went in another shop. They didn't sell them as it was a second hand shop with clothes from the USA. I was at a loss to think that the larger size ladies in the States could clothe the 32a's from the PI.

Generally speaking the bars in Barrio were a welcome change from Angeles with quite a few diamonds to be found. For the curious reader I will set you a challenge - Find the lady with 3 nipples in one of the Barrio Bars.

The food was excellent at Blue Rock and it again proved to be a great base.

We had a VIP ride back to Angeles as the only 2 customers on the bus.

Shayman