DATING RITUALS

AMERICAN WHITE WOMEN First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out. Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position. Fifth anniversary: Sex is just for those "special moments". Seventh Anniversary: You start looking around for a good escort service.

IRISH WOMEN First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN: First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. Second Date: You meet her parents and her mom makes spaghetti & meatballs. Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring. 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex. 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

JEWISH WOMEN: First Date: You get dynamite oral sex. Second Date: You get more great oral sex. Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get oral sex again.

CHINESE WOMEN: First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens. Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again. Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN First date: Meet her parents. Second date: Set the date of the wedding. Third date: Wedding night.

AMERICAN BLACK WOMEN First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner. Third Date: You get to pay her rent. Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on tequila, and have sex in the back of her car. Second Date: She's pregnant. Third Date: She moves in. One week later: her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande. And everyone fights over who gets to spend the food stamps.

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

I've heard many others. Let's see if my memory does them justice ...

RUSSIAN WOMEN First Date: She is lithe and skinny. Her brother Vladimir comes along to translate. She brings out the Vodka and drinks you under the table. Second Date: She is still lithe and skinny. Her uncle Vladimir comes along to translate. She brings out the Vodka and drinks you under the table. Third Date: She is still lithe and skinny. Her pimp Vladimir comes along to translate. She brings out the Vodka and drinks you under the table. First Anniversary: She is only marginally lithe and skinny. Vladimir asks for a sponsorship for a green card. She brings out the Vodka and drinks you under the table. Fifth Anniversary: She is no longer lithe and skinny. The FBI calls and asks about Vladimir. She brings out the Vodka and you drink her under the table. You've had practice, you see.

AUSTRALIAN WOMEN First Date: You ask her for her number, so she grabs your cock and jacks you off on the crowded dance floor. Second Date: You ask her out to dinner, so she grabs your cock, jacks you off, and fucks you on the crowded dance floor. Third Date: You want to marry her, so she wonders why you keep asking to spend time with her, and can't figure out what all the fuss is about. First Anniversary: You have finally mastered native usage of "Fair Dinkum" and "Chunder." Put another shrimp on the barbie, mate!

CANADIAN (Anglophone) WOMEN First Date: She stares at you sullenly in silence. Second Date: She stares at you sullenly, and then informs you that you are slow on the uptake. Third Date: She stares at you sullenly, informs you that you are very slow on the uptake, and asks you why you haven't fucked her yet. First Anniversary: She stares at you sullenly, asks you why you don't try to fuck her more often, and complains that all Americans are alike.

CANADIAN (Francophone) WOMEN First Date: Her body odor freaks you out. She smokes cheap black cigarettes. You fuck in the restaurant bathroom. Second Date: Her body odor still clings to you from your first date. You smoke some of her cheap black cigarettes to block out the odor. (Ah! There's a system after all!) You fuck in the restaurant bathroom. Third Date: Her body odor no longer freaks you out. You fuck in the restaurant bathroom.

I hope I haven't totally murdered them in translation! Gotta love Australian (and Irish) women ...