Touchdown—I made it to Rapid City. I am surprised at how tired I am. Traveling to exotic locales overseas can take a lot out of a guy. The first thing to do is get a hotel to use as home base, rest a little then find a liquor store (was reminded by a friend of mine that I may need the hard stuff to barter with the locals). I will go ahead and tell you now this was a very strange day indeed. If I hadn’t lived it, I would not have believed it myself.

I took an airport taxi to the first hotel I recognized which was a Hampton Inn. I had a little trouble getting the taxi driver to understand me as it had been several years since my last visit to Istanbul and my Turkish was a little shaky. But with hand signals we were able to get one another’s message across. Once we found the hotel I realized I had another serious problem; he didn’t know what Brazilian Reals were. I think he thought they were decorative kleenex because he coughed up something from his throat and spat into a 50 Real note, crumbled it up and threw it out the window.

It was at that point that I realized the driver suffered some sort of medical condition which obviously caused him a great deal of discomfort. Just goes to show how you cant really judge people right off the bat cause it may not always be their best day. Anyway, he let me know he was feeling a tad uncomfortable because his face turned visibly red, I could see veins pulsing in his neck all the way to his forehead and he let out a blood curdling scream which simultaneously made my ball sack draw up and the hair on the back of my neck stand up. He had to have been suffering a lot and was in a hurry to get out of there because he pulled my bag out of the trunk so fast he lost his grip and bag flew 10 feet into the air and burst open when it crashed to the ground. My pocket rockets spilled out onto the pavement along with my gift bags for the locals. He had to have been terribly embarrassed because he spun the tires getting out of there and in the process ran over most of the pocket rockets, and flattened my only tube of lubricant which I had taken such care to remember. I would have felt sorry for myself but I felt worse for the taxi driver. Poor guy didn’t seem to have a clue.

Okay so I got set up in my room. First thing to do is get some dollars, find a liquor store then a drug store to restock on lubricant. I walk around and see a bank with a cirrus sticker on the ATM, draw out dollars without a problem.

Outside the ATM, I saw a polished looking street tout with a funny hat and a shirt which said, “Wall Drugs” on it. I ask him where is the closest drugstore and he informed me the largest one in the state is Wall Drugs and he is the driver for their courtesy van which will take me there. What the hell I thought—“I need more lube, some magnums, and some anal-ese or lidocaine”. This seemed like a perfect opportunity. The ride was quite a surprise as they turned onto the INTERSTATE! Well fuck me. I asked why we were on the interstate and was told we were 1 hour away from Wall Drugs. There didn’t seem to be much option at this point so I sat listening to Howard Stern recordings on my Ipod and looked at all the senior citizens who had joined me on my “tour” to Wall Drugs. The “guide” started pouring ice water out of a large thermos and passing them around. I personally cannot stand water (unless it has Hops and proper fermentation) so I tried to refuse but by then everyone had ice water in their hands. I held my nose with one hand and drank it down with the other. Of course, shortly after consuming the vile fluid I had to pee. My co-passengers all had an advantage over me since I am sure they were wearing Depends undergarments and could just blissfully piss themselves. I decided to hold my tongue and wait it out. A short HOUR later we arrived at Wall Drugs. We piled out of the van and into the store and I’ll be damned if they weren’t handing out more ice water at the door. These South Dakota folks are some water drinking motherfuckers for sure.

Well first off it was the damn strangest drug store I had ever seen. I suspect if you went to the drug store to buy a 10-gallon hat, a Wall Drug sign, or to drink water you would be in luck here. Finding Magnum condoms or anal-ese however is an entirely different matter. They had neither so I settled on some KY. I remembered in the back of my mind a friend once told me Indians used Honey as a natural lubricant. That might be fun to try. I hope I get a good Squaw or else I’m going to be a sticky mess.

I found the bathroom in Wall Drugs and spent what seemed like an eternity emptying my bladder. It was during this moment of deep reflection I realized I had only pissed for the last two days, I had not yet done number 2. Well this may be too much information for the reader so I will only come back to that issue if it becomes….well….an issue.

I waited outside beside my senior citizen bus. They slowly all made their way back and we loaded up to head back to Rapid City. It may be worth mentioning that I had not seen a pretty girl since leaving Rio. Where were they hiding themselves? I nodded off on the drive back to Rapid City. I’m not sure what I dreamed about while in that van, but I woke up with a raging hard on. One of those hard-ons that moves every time your heart beats. Something had to happen—and I knew just what to do…

I got back to my hotel at around 3:00 pm and quickly settled in. I set some candles up around the room and lit them to set the mood. I checked the pay-per-view channel and picked the all day option for $39.95. Then I opened the phone book and started looking for Escorts. There was an ad for Miss Trixie’s Playmates which looked at least professional so I called. The phone at Trixies was answered by someone named Gus with a deep voice. Gus said he had a beautiful blond “hardbody” named Star, and a brunette with “baby-doll” eyes named Alexa. I asked if they had any Souix Indians and he said he thought Alexa had some Indian in her. I picked Alexa and he said she would be at my hotel in 30 minutes. I checked my watch and it was 3:30 pm.

4:00 pm, no Alexa.

4:30 pm. Still no Alexa. I call Gus and he doesn’t answer the phone.

5:00 pm. Nothing. I call Gus and he says she called and had a dead battery so wouldn’t be able to make it out tonight. I asked about the blond hardbody named Star. He said she was out on another call and wouldn’t be able to make it.

Well this was maddening. I had been sporting wood for a couple of hours straight, and had porn playing on the television. Many of you who know me know that I have never once jerked off in Rio. I mean, why would you? Well guess what? I aint in Rio anymore…

I lit the candles in the room and turned down the lights. Pulled back the covers of my little lovenest and laid back naked on the white sheets. I opened my bottle of massage oil and began spreading it on my legs, abdomen and chest, avoiding my unit except for only lightly brushing against it. I started rubbing oil on my balls, and my dick was getting so hard it hurt. As I rubbed my cock I started telling my self how hard it felt in my hand. I looked at the television and Jenna Jamison was sucking a guy’s cock. I was reminded this would be happening to me sometime later that night, or the next day, when I found where all the babes were. Anyway, back to the matter at hand—before I get to my orgasm I would like to warn all of you mongers of how spending 1 full year in Rio can ravage your body. Prior to moving to Rio, when I would jerk off I would explode when I came. I could send my gentleman’s relish a foot or two into the air. Hell, I think I may have even hit the ceiling fan once. Well I was sorely disappointed today in South Dakota…when I nutted it just sort of oozed out and ran off the side of my cock. I just shook my head and thought, “This is the price you pay for spending all that time in Rio”.

As soon as I nutted I waddled to the bathroom to wipe myself off. I heard the sound of porn on the television and felt stupid for watching it so I hurried out of the bathroom and changed the channel. I quickly blew out the candles and climbed in bed. I suddenly realized how tired I was. It was 6:00 pm. I called the front desk and asked if they had any food. Except for cookies they had nothing, but suggested I call Pizza Hut. I took the number, called and ordered Pizza. After it arrived and I ate I was totally exhausted. I got into bed and drifted off to sleep thinking my first day in South Dakota had really sucked. I decided to rest and I would awake the next day refreshed and ready to go.

At least I was out of the rat-race of Rio.

this conduct is coming [no pun intended] from a guy who thinks you ought to be deported if you jack-off in brazil.

GCL, I have a quick question about that - say you've been fucking a garota, and she wants you to cum on her face or tits or something. Is it ok to give your knob a stroke or two in that case, more for command and control purposes than anything else?

Just remember GCL.
Although very uncommon and even harder to find in S.D. I have heard a black sheep will give you a more spirited session than the more common white sheep. And hearing the rumor of your regression to doing blonds again I think you should think this one over carefully before you make any commitment.

From his highschool yearbook, this photo depicts GCL as being a loving and attentive ranchero. Nice hair too!


From his current website, GCL is now offering a taste of the Dakotas for those of us who cannot make the trip to this erotic sextourist destination.

Oh...and I can assure you that I have NEVER jacked off in South Dakota, nor would I. You're a truly loathsome creature.

Thanks for the informative report. I'm a newbie to the dakota scene and i have a few questions for you:

1) What's the dress code? I normally wear garanamals but I'm thinking cowboy boots and jeans, right?

2) Is learning Sioux important or do the squaws speak english?

3) Should I hire a guide? I heard the guides in Rio are real shitbags but I've never been to the northern plains and, honestly, I'm a little nervous.

4) If i meet a "non-pro" squaw and she wants $10,000 because her alchoholic brother needs treatment, her family bison died, or she wants to open a tannery, should i give it to her?

Catacony wrote: GCL, I have a quick question about that - say you've been fucking a garota, and she wants you to cum on her face or tits or something. Is it ok to give your knob a stroke or two in that case, more for command and control purposes than anything else?

Catocany, you ask an excellent question, and as much as I would have liked to see this thread die, I thought it deserved a response. I suspect other mongers dont really know how to handle this situation either.

Etiquitte of non-masturbatory mongering requires you to keep your unit deployed inside the garota until almost the last minute (no pulling out and 5 minutes of whacking off allowed). If you have in good faith waited until the last seconds then a stroke or two is allowed, and certainly manually directing your Gentleman's Relish around the face, tits and torso is allowed.