Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel
noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said,'"Mabel, do you
know
you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a
suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she
said,
"Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find
my
hearing aid."


When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in
the
paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers
delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,
"You
know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the
widow,
"I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea,
but I
thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great
lover
rather than the big shit he always was."


An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came
up and
washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't
find
her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise
that he
would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by
and
finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to
inform
you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her
up to
the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl
worth
$50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl
and
re-bait the trap."



A funeral service was being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At
the end of the service, the pall bearers were carrying the casket out
when
they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket. They heard a
faint
moan. They opened the casket and found that the woman was actually
alive!
She lived for ten more years, and then died. Once again, a ceremony was
held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers were again carrying out
the
casket. As they carried the casket towards the door, the husband cried
out,
"Watch that wall!"


THINGS TO HELP TOURISTS VISITING CALIFORNIA
THIS SUMMER!


Fifteen New Regulations in the 2004 California Driver's Handbook:


1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident
California driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe
distance between you and the car in front of you, because
the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in
an even more dangerous situation..

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a
chance you have of getting hit.

4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign.
No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-
ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs
extensive bodywork, especially with California plates.
With no insurance, the other operator has nothing to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to
ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot ma
ssage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of
you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg
muscles.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the
highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a
suggestion and are not enforceable in California during
rush hour, especially on I-5.

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room
to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a California
driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he
can go faster in your spot.

10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an
accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a
sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. California
is the home of high-speed slalom-driving; thanks to the
Department of Transportation, which puts pot-holes in
key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them
alert.

12. It is tradition in California to honk your horn at cars in
front of you that do not move three milliseconds after
the light turns green.

13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it
is important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right
away.
Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity
escape from danger.

14. Remember that the goal of every California driver is
to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

15. In California, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite
salute.

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Paris. One has a
cross
in front of him, the other one the Star of David.

Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the
hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to
the
beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of
David.

Finally the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and
says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country.
People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of
David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar
who has a
cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, and turning
to
the beggar with the cross and says, "Moishe... look who's trying to
teach
us Marketing"



-----------------

MEN OF GREAT INTELLECT...

"I have always strenuously supported
the right of every man to his own opinion,
however different that opinion might be to mine.
He who denies another this right makes a slave
of himself to his present opinion, because he
precludes himself the right of changing it."

‹Thomas Paine, 1783

"Free speech exercised both individually and
through a free press, is a necessity in any
country where people are themselves free."

‹Theodore Roosevelt, 1918

"The truth is found when men are free to pursue it."

‹ Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1936

"If liberty means anything at all, it means the right
to tell people what they do not want to hear."

‹ George Orwell, 1945

"Any time we deny any citizen the full exercise of
his constitutional rights, we are weakening our
own claim to them."

‹ Dwight David Eisenhower, 1963

"What is objectionable, what is dangerous about
extremists is not that they are extreme, but that
they are intolerant."

‹Robert F. Kennedy, 1964

"Go fuck yourself." Speaking to Senator Leahy of Vermont

‹Dick Cheney, 2004

I can't vouch for the accuracy of any of this but it's fun stuff

PROOF THAT THE WORLD IS NUTS!!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but
is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He
may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick??)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having
sex for the first time .. . . Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly
forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the
world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The
husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner
desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
tropical fish stores.

(You have to admit, selling tropical fish needs all the help it can
get!)

*~*~*~*~*! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother
must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this
law? or, they heard about the law in Cali, Colombia!)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine
only "in places where alcoholic beverages are e sold for consumption on
the premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(So, that explains those silly little smiles now doesn't?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of . . ?)

(Did the government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last . . .

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(You mean politicians are not the only ones that can do this?)
------------------------------------
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL

SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,

BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.

YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having
sex for the first time .. . . Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly
forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the
world that even comes close to this?)

I would think that being the suntan lotion guy in Rio would be a close second ;)

You know, it is hard to find a joke these days without a dirty word or two in it. Here is one with none:


Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says she cannot tell.

They argue all afternoon whether it is a son of a birch or a son of a beach. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you end this argument and tell us if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."