How to read personal ads

WOMEN'S ADS

40-ish...................... 49

Adventurer.................. Slept with all your friends

Athletic.................... No tits

Average looking............. Has a face like a basset hound

Beautiful................... Pathological liar

Contagious Smile............ Does a lot of Ecstasy

Educated....................Banged her Political Science professor

Emotionally Secure.......... Medicated

Feminist.................... Fat ballbuster

Free spirit................. Junkie

Friendship first............ Trying to live down reputation as a slut

Fun......................... Annoying

Gentle...................... Comatose

Good Listener............... Borderline Autistic

New-Age..................... All body hair, all the time

Old-fashioned............... Lights out,missionary position only, no BJs

Open-minded................. Desperate

Outgoing.................... Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate.................. Sloppy drunk

Poet........................ Depressive

Schizophrenic Professional................ Certified Bitch

Redhead..................... Bad dye-job

Reubenesque................. Grossly Fat

Romantic.................... Looks better by candle light

Social...................... Has been passed around like an hors doeuvres tray

Voluptuous.................. Very Fat

Weight proportionate w/height...Hugely Fat

Wants Soulmate.............. Stalker

Widow....................... Drove first husband to shoot himself

Young at heart.............. Old bat


MEN'S ADS

40-ish................ 52 and looking for 25-yr-old

Athletic.............. Watches a lot of NASCAR

Average looking....... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back

Educated.............. Will patronize the shit out of you

Free Spirit........... Banging your sister

Friendship first...... As long as friendship involves nookie

Fun................... Good with a remote and a six pack

Good looking.......... Arrogant

Very good looking..... Dumb as a board

Honest................ Pathological Liar

Huggable..............Overweight, more body hair than a bear

Likes to cuddle....... Insecure mama's boy

Mature................ Older than your father

Open-minded....... Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested

Physically fit........ Does a lot of 12-ounce beer curls

Poet.................. Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall

Sensitive............. Cries at chick flicks

Very sensitive........ Gay

Spiritual............. Got laid in a cemetery once

Stable................ Arrested for stalking, but not convicted

Thoughtful............ Says "Excuse me" when he farts

Moondog - This is great. I passed this on to a few people. Thanks Hemp

A few more that come to mind...

Women's Ads:

Petite ..... Anorexic
Rubinesque ..... Bulimic
Exotic ..... Bizarre
Hourglass figure ..... Liposuction, fake cans

Perfect. Thanks Dogster.

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a
donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer
agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry
son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

"Well than, give me my money back!" The farmer said,
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell
anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and
asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at
two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his
two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the
chairman of Enron.

Very funny Sam!!!