Hombres:

I've been getting a number of emails lately around the general tune of "I really like this girl in Rio, can you help me?" I've been suggesting either cyanide or a bullet.... ;-)

BTW, if you are one of the guys who's in this predicament, really I DO sympathize. Been there, done that, got the tee-shirt (and the psychiatrist's bill). And as long as you keep your eyes open and your head clear, good things CAN happen.

However, I want to share my own little tale of woe just to show you what usually happens - and so you can all laugh at me.....

Badseed's Infamous Lingerie Incident

Once, in the 80's, I was dating/fucking the cousin of a carioca friend of mine. The girl was here in the States studying English for a few months... light mulata, incredibly sexy, a part-time model/presenter in Rio.. Ilka. Eventually Ilka goes back to Rio (not before nearly causing a riot by getting on a Philly bus dressed in typical Rio summer-time wear - a fishnet mini-dress with nothing but thong panites underneath! She got to my apartment and said that she didn't understand why all the guys in town were stuttering...). 3 months later I go to Rio, with plans to hook up with her and go to Recife for a few weeks (me paying all expenses). Last minute, she asks me to bring a suitcase of her extra clothes that she had left at her cousin's. I always travel light, so no problem taking her suitcase. Sure enough, this trip was one of the rare occasions when Brazilian Customs stopped me and hand-searched my bags at GIG. If you've ever been searched there, you might remember that the inspection tables are right in front of a big glass wall with everybody waiting in the Arrivals area right on the other side of the glass. So here's this dainty little female customs officer opening my only suitcase - Ilka's suitcase... taking out thong panties and high heels and lace-up frilly things... holding them up in the air.. staring at me, staring at the panties, etc.... and all the while, my Carioca friends who were waiting for me in Arrivals are seeing everything (along with everybody else there) and laughing their heads off! According to my buddies, one old lady in arrivals finally says - "Well here comes another sweet little GRINGO TRAVECO!" (transvestite gringo) Sheeeeeesh. The grand finale of the whole story is that I call Ilka when I get to my friends' house and she can't make it that night, she can't make it next day, day after.. can you please drop my suitcase off at my cousin's house, I'll be busy at work, etc. Now, if a friend would bring me one-mismatched sock from Brazil, I'd be damn sure to go over to his house to pick it up and thank him - to put it mildly, besides stiffing me, she was being extraordinarily rude in Brazilian terms. Just to top it off, Ilka says that she can't meet me until the airport, I should just go ahead and buy the air tickets, she'll meet me there. Yeah, sure.... I call up her cousin to find out what the hell is going on. Sure enough, she has a "gentleman friend" who has been taking care of her ($$$) and now lives in Recife. She was happily telling her family how she was going to go visit HIM for two weeks.... and guess how she was planning to get there? By flying on SUCKER AIRLINES... namely me. Fuck that! Suffice to say that I flew to Recife by myself - my ticket was already bought and paid for - and spent a marvelous week mongering (then I went ahead and met THE ONE..... long story short, I wound up living in Recife for 6 months, what a mess!). Live and learn.... especially the lesson that "there is nothing more expensive than a free fuck." BTW, Ilka's suitcase wound up out on the sidewalk....

Leave your heart at the border, Gents!

BS

Very interesting/funny story and good advice for us all. Not funny were she jerked you around, but the rest was funny.

Still smilin at that story buddy.

Ben, DG:

Glad you enjoyed my tale of woe. And her jerking me around WAS funny (at least in retrospect). I spent 4 days in Rio moping around after her rather than nailing some strange. What a waste! Well, I was 22 and didn't know any better, what can I tell you? Besides, I made up for it in Recife...

BS

Badseed Great story, loved it. A good warning
for all us wannabe brasileiros.
IMHO, I think all of us gringos are totally
unprepared for what awaits us in Brazil and If
you keep going down there, like playing with
fire your going to get burned. I'm sure all the
brazil vets on here know just what I'm talking
about.
Good advice on the cyanide or bullet or how
about the brazilian way, throw yourself in front
of a bus.