I’ve been feeling a bit ‘tarnished’ ever since Tuesday. Possibly the effects of having my hind parts permeated by my Asian masseuse. Reviewing what I’ve written to my fine friends here on this board, my outbursts clearly indicate a passive-regressive response to my first prostate pumping. Before I apologize for my outbursts, permit me to share my experience at yet another health treatment facility.

My turdcutter hasn’t felt right for a couple of days now. For some reason, my sphincter cannot overcome the Koren finger episode. Plus, I’ve had some traces of blood in my stool for the past two days. (Don’t virgins tend to bleed for a day or two after the hymen is torn?) Sensing the need to physically cleanse myself from this unfortunate incident, I booked a session at the local colonic irrigation clinic.

Upon entering, I was ushered into a small, dimly lit room and instructed to undress, including my skivvies, and don a hospital gown. When my hostess (thank GOD she was female or I don’t think I could’ve endured what happens next) returned to the room, she helped me to get comfortable on my stomach. The bed had a hard foam piece in the center that made me lay with my ass up in the air. “This feels familiar” I thought, as flashbacks to the savage shiatzu event haunted me. Shuddering, I focused on the matter at hand.

After adjusting the temperature of the water that was about to be introduced to my keister, she produced a large white wand, with a bulbous ball on the end.



With little pomp or ceremony, she inserted the wand and opened the valve. A warm sensation overcame me. “So this is what it must be like to be a ’57 Chevy at the filling station”. Within a few minutes, I began to feel a crampy, full feeling. Ugh. I shared this with my hostess, who said she had to achieve a slightly higher PSI before the ‘discharge’ stage could begin. Tick tock tick tock…

When she reversed the process, the relief I felt was surreal. What happens next was rather disgusting. She surveyed the results of my discharge as they passed through a clear plastic part of the tube. Stopping the flow, she highlighted certain undigested food items suspended in the backlight tube. “You need to chew your food better” and “consider eating more roughage” she admonished me.

With the discharge stage completed, I felt much better. It was as if the acts of earlier this week had been washed away. I was clean again. Ready to leave and resume my day, I thanked her for her services. “That was just round one – we’re going to take you to a higher PSI and continue the rounds for up to an hour, or until your discharge is essentially clear”. WTF!!! Over the course of the next 45 minutes, she continued to pump me up and drain me out.

Then the unthinkable happened.

With an excited yelp, she froze the discharge and drew my attention to the illuminated object in the clear tube. “There he is – we GOT HIM!” she exclaimed as she pointed her finger to a small white object.

Apparently I had a parasite.

“Is he alive?” I asked?

“Sure! And there’s likely plenty more where that came from”

She was the nicest lady, but for the life of me, I could not imagine having her job. I mean, the sheer joy she exuded upon finding a worm in my colon was touching and all... Enough commentary from me – back to the story.

Over the next few minutes, she scrutinized every object that passed through that tube, frequently and abruptly stopping the flow. The sensation one feels when the flow of fluids exiting the intestines is suddenly stopped is something I hope to never endure again. As luck would have it, she had other plans. “I’d guess that after 3-5 more treatments, we could completely eradicate those parasites”. Ughh…

"Could ya take it easy on that valve honey? Every time ya slam it shut I feel like I'm gonna burst"

"sorry dear - you'll get used to that".

When the colonic was FINALLY concluded, and the wand gently plopped outta my pooper, I was instructed to visit the toilet and spend some time reading before leaving. To my surprise, a copy of Maxim magazine was found in the rack! I considered rubbing out a quick one, as this is the latest fad, but decided against it. The erection obtained while perusing this periodical was pleasing nonetheless.

A long shower with plenty of soap and I was ready to leave, after paying $95. Stepping lightly out the door, I realized that I had in fact purged more than the waste and parasites – I had cleansed myself from that ‘unhappy ending’ at my last massage.

I am rather hungry, however.

So permit me to apologize to any board member who I may have offended with my recent tirades. Clearly I was out of line. I'm feeling much better now, and hope to resume my role as a productive member of society.

Did you walk out twinkling on your toes?

For those so inclined, can you request a black or brown wand?

RJ

GCL's worm cure: Deeg, it is only because I am a humanitarian that I share this technique with you. I could care less if you are totally infested with internal parasites. However, because it could be of service to other Hombre members, here is how to cure yourself of tapeworms.

1. Do NOT EAT anything for 48 hours. Only sipping water is allowed. You will be hungry I know, but so will the tapeworm.

2. Find a big room, preferrably with about 25 to 30 feet of space.

3. Warm a glass of milk.

4. Lean over the milk...hold very very still and start to breath deep through your nose (THE NOSE! If you breath through your mouth then what will happen next is going to be gross).

5. After a few minutes, the Tapeworm will peek out of your nose, and go for the milk. Let him start drinking, and as he is doing so....SLOWLY BACK UP. Continue backing up until the entire worm is out of your body.

Okay, there it is. You are all welcome.

GCL, And how experienced are you at the tapeworm procedure?

Well... I had a rather bad experience with the de-worming technique once...

I wont go into details but I learned my lesson about joining a group of friends at a fancy restaurant while in the fasting stage of the de-worming procedure.

GCL

For weeks, I tried snifting a glass of warm milk, to no avail. Perhaps my parasite is lactose intolerant?

Last night while entertaining a female guest, I popped the cork on a bottle of Pinot Noir, vintage 2001. After pouring two glasses of this rouge elixir, I raised the cup to my proboscis to whaft the spicy scent. While inhaling the bouquet, I felt a strange stirring in my left nostril. Remembering your sage words, I beat a hasty retreat to the bathroom with my chalice in hand. Leaning over the aroma wafting up from the goblet, my parasite surged forth to sup the fermented fruit in my cup.

Startled, I recalled the time when I had bathed in your communal shower at the den of iniquity that you call your workplace. Having just completed an online session with one of your 'staff', she suggested we bathe. In the shower was the customary assortment of scented soaps and bath lotions beside a decaying loofah, of questionable cleanliness. Wetting this sponge and pouring some soap product upon it, she proceeded to lather my entire body, including my tersed tailpipe. It is my belief that this may be how I contracted this parasite.

Given this parasites' penchant for the vermilion fruit of the vine, and your irrefutably reknowned lust for cheap wine, you are quickly rising to the top of the list of suspects from whom I may have contracted this slippery sidekick.

Sweetmesquite remains a prime suspect as well. I'll be buying some more expensive wine tomorrow to see how this critter responds to the spirits of the rich.

-My Attachment- snake-nez.mpg (1724.5 k)

I am speechless. Give me a few hours and I will try to respond.

far be it for me to be a medical expert but I believe we all have parasites inside us..that is outside the sick minds on this thread(hi DG and GCL)...but quite normal...I mean inside a few months the parasites will be back...

damn! I knew better than to come back to this thread....

okay - I give permission for anyone to flame me- but I gotta know:

GCL Milk Cure: Is this for real!!??? Or is it a joke???

That was fuckin Hisss-terical !

Capt'n

By Pasathai on Friday, August 06, 2004 - 08:12 am:  Edit

do any of us frequent travelers to thailand ever notice all the ads on the sides of busses for worm infestation eradication meds?

Makes one think b4 buying any raw street food.

Metalboots, I aint one to pat myself on the back, but yes..that is a certifiable medical procedure I developed. I have to do a few more case studies before I can draw any statistical conclusions but once I am finished this will be published and I believe will be a widely accepted method of body cleansing.

I feel so comfortable with the effectiveness of the procedure that occasionally I re-infest myself just so I can "cleanse" my system. There is no better feeling than that of backing up and watching 30 feet of tapeworm pop out of your nose and wiggle in agony on the floor. Anyway, I keep a 'ripe' loofah in my bathroom, with plenty of the tapeworm spores there for the purpose or re-infestatation whenever I care to use it. Dont worry though--if you ever use my shower, it is clearly marked, "do not use--Property of Rich".

I am commiting suicide - right now...

gcl,

Actually I have heard of this but the proceedure was squatting over a pan of warm milk and the tape worm would come out of your butt..

Slightly less traumatic. I'm in the medical field and have studied a lot of the old naturopathic cures and this was listed as one of them.

"Put the loofa down and step away from the loofa and pull your pants up." LOL

YOU, are some sick puppies!! (but I enjoyed the thread anyway!)

It's Deeg's fault - if he wasn't so used to items going in his ass, he would have noticed something was crawling up his bung.

And he thought it was just her finger.....

damn the guy is down to writing trip reports on Colonics..will someone please send this poor bastard somewhere.

DonGreigo

Found a new cure. If your entire drink comes out through your nose, it takes quite a few of the lil boogers out with it! Thanks for the spew!

Care to share where this procedure was performed?

Sandy

Since my parasite first imbibed the 2001 Pinot Noir ($14 at the grocery store), GCL and his body shampooing staff have been suspect for conveying this slimy sucker to me in an unfortunate yet memorable showering incident at his 'workplace'. But the events of last night proved even more vexing in my quest to rid myself of this alcohol-dependent deadbeat tenant that dwells within me.

The selection for the evening was an '89 La Mission Haut Brion. A wine that literally reeks of the earth. Decadent and rich. Very dark ruby-red color. Complex aromas of berry, game, earth and chocolate. Full-bodied and incredibly extracted, with loads of tannins and a complement of earthy, berry, funky flavors. Long finish. I can think of few ways to better enjoy $425 than by imbibing this luxurious elixir with the company of a fine (vintage) braziliera. (sigh)

While preparing this succulent antidote to the days' worries, I poured a small portion into my polished goblet, eager to absorb the aroma into my covetous shnoz. Sure enough, upon raising the wine glass, the unwelcome inhabitant ventured past my nostril to indulge himself.

That varmint downed the entire cup.

His conspicuous consumption appalled me, and at $107.50 a glass I became understandably enraged. Pouring a second glass I raised it to drink this precious fluid only to find I was competing with this scoundrel to see who could get to the bottom of the cup faster. This is no way to enjoy a fine wine.

Now the fun and games were over. "It's go time" I thought as I popped the cork. I hadn't even begun to pour before the merry little lush lunged for more. Straight into my bottle he went, tainting what remained of my prized rubyred liquid treasure. Holding the bottle away from me at arms length, the tipsy tapeworm began to coil around the bottle, but he wouldn't fully extend and release. Desperate to evict this vagabond, I popped the cork back onto bottle, squishing the worm in the process. In one fluid motion, he recoiled in pain, vacating my torso once and for all.

Now, by my reckoning, this freeloader ruined my wine, and consumed godonlyknows how many calories since December. Since GCL has admitted to birthing these unholy critters in that festering Sodom and Gamorrah he inhabits, I feel it only fair that he share in the costs I've incurred. Despite his reputation as an immoral, depraved, backslidden degenerate sodomite, I'm sure he will see fit to somehow make reparations to me and the hoards of others he has defiled.

You mean "hordes" don't you? My, how the mighty have fallen. DG now reports on tapeworms instead of chicas. Crushed I am.

Deeg, I think that the tapeworms I grow in my loofah are a microcosm of the rest of tapeworm society. Basically you get good ones and bad ones. Sounds like you had a bad one. Like a Bear bold enough to come into a campsite, or an Alligator that gets a taste for the family pet--your worm had to be eradiated.

Some situateions could be truly dangerous. Think what may have happened if it had appeared while you were going down on a girl? Or what if you were walking through a restaurant and it slurped down the glass at the NEXT table? I think since it is your baby, you would have to pay. Too much responsibility. You did the right thing. I hope you have better luck with your next spore.

Gawd GCL I new you were a sick Mutha but this takes the cake.

I arrive in Rio on the 19th. Maybe you could show me the tapeworm eradication method you so strongly believe in. I'll bring my cam corder

The post of the century on CH if you get it on film CM.

Somehow, I believe one of the standard Sexxxychat weirdo customers would probably pay for a private show of GCL's worm charming. In that case, no video for CH.

Geez... this thread is gonna give me a nightmare.

What would happen if you held the bowl of warm milk in front of your face, closed your mouth and then opened it, and then put the bowl on the floor and squatted over it?

Would that be a three-hole experience?

Look, I think we all kept it within certain standards until Farsider came up with that one. He stepped over the lines of decency as I see it.

Farsider, you are one sick puppy.

Deeg, if you can do the procedure Farsider described and document the experience, I pay $100.

Wow. Gcl is offering good money for something that might be interesting--but not the real "three-hole" experience. How much more interesting (and unique) would it be if the worm came out of the other little hole? I bet Gcl would pay a lot more for that--it would be a more mainstream product of his craft.

Say, Deeg, if you were to dip your wick in the warm milk (or Haut Brion) and document the worm's emergence?

The way I see it, this thread was hell-bent on moving in a certain direction, and I merely gave it a not-so-gentle push to facilitate the process.

Seriously, I didn't mean to make light of DG's malady, which must have been unpleasant to say the least.

GCL

$100 for proof? So it's finally come to this, has it? I share my misfortunes with the board, only to have GCL suggest I document it so he can post it on his site? Is my online diary to be seen as nothing more as an opportunity for the jaded to profit at my expense? Since I may know a bit about hidden cameras, I'll attempt to document this troubling event in the attempt to earn GCL's $100.

That said, perhaps other members might want to authenticate their travails for fun and profit as well? I mean, who wouldn't pay to watch as the misfortunes of other boardmembers unfold?

-SFHombre might want to install a hiddencam in his lavoratory to certify the equipment used by his 'guests' while urinating?

-Murasaki could implant a buttcam when he next visits the Eden Club, to substantiate the strap-on skewering he endures is infact from a female???

-Hemp should surveil his cabine when next sessioning with a certain blonde nympho to record his prostate singing? (I see a Karaoke disc in the making here)

-CoffeeMaker could bug his shorts to document his ability to pass a completely dry fart in 4x4

-by wiring his package, Milkman could assuage any concerns that his bat swings both ways?

-GCL could tag the spores in his loofa to provide a National Geographicesque biography of his parasites as they infect unsuspecting 'friends' who bathe after overindulging at the circus that is his corrupt house of illrepute.

and last, but perhaps most importantly,

-SportoLingo could attach a lense to his lingual appendage while lambasting his loira? We'd finally put to rest any concerns that his tongue lashings are only vaginal? (Somedays he smiles like a kid who spent all his icecream money on fudgcicles)



(Message edited by DonGringo on August 13, 2004)

Mail me one, and for $100, I'd be happy to oblige!

Murasaki
Inbox me with your mailing address and I'll send you one.
DeeG
PS
Will you be needing a Magnum, Large, Medium or GCL size?

Are we just gonna let this thread die?

One could have only hoped!
SP

I was fingering this Korean chick during dinner the other night - hey, it seemed like the thing to do and the waiter service was pretty slow - and now I have a blister on my left middle finger. Not sure if the two things are related, but we could talk about that if you want

She rode high in the saddle till her blisters broke...

Gringo you are one funny mf. that is hysterical

Please Lou. you were right about one thing and one thing only... "...mf...".

SOG

Are your parents siblings?? Sure DeeG has his share of problems, but at least he reviles that loathesome creature 'GCL'. And that's something we can all get behind.

I know of no lower form of 'humanity' than GCL. He's even rumored to have posted a photo of his own ass on the CHChatroom. For years now, gentlemen have been selecting GCL's sagging, droopy buttocks as their photoicon while chatting, thinking it is the ass of a braziliera. I ask you - what kind of human being would do such a thing?

He's so low, you have to do the limbo to walk around his family tree. ANY similarity between him and a decent human beign is purely coincidental.

B-Wild-rd.
I dont know GCL, but if in fact he did that with his buttocks...he deserves to die a thousand deaths. Or at least to be lashed at the alter until he DROPS.

Do people really use his ass as an avatar in the chatroom. I think that ass is quite fetching. No way it is GCLs.

No way...

If you look closely enough, u might be able to see the little parasite.

Thankfully, GCL and his alter-ego Turk5555 have disappeared from this board. Rather than remind us of the truly vile days before their disappearances, wouldn't it be better if we just let a good thing alone?

Waida minute! GCL was Turk? Hahahahahahaha

Now that explains why he has disappeared....

Murasaki: SSSSHHHHHHH!!! Where did your sense of discretion and subtlety go? Get ahold of yourself.

I am soooo pissed off right now. I am going to send a strongly worded letter to Hombre. Teach you little pissants a lesson.

Okay, maybe Turk5555 wasn't GCL's alter-ego. But he could have been.

You guys just like his ass.

Did cell sheiky-sheiky get broadband access or something? I haven't seen so many posts from SOG since the Day's Inn days in Sioux Territory.

SOG = GCL = DSL? Is there such a thing as a Sioux pissant? Pardon my lack of discretion and subtlety these past few nights.

Pissant, pissant, I'm not sure I have heard that sophisticated word before. Is it similar to a croissant?