I woke up feeling extremely refreshed the next morning and headed over to Kokomo’s for breakfast. After eating, I journeyed to the hypermarket in the mall to lay in a few supplies for the room. Getting back, I took care of a few work-related items that were pending and took a nap.

In the afternoon, I texted Icarus and Porker to let them know I was going to head out to Honeyko’s around 3:00. Icarus was of like mind, but Porker was not feeling well at all. In fact, during this whole trip, Porker was a walking advertisement for an HMO. A viral infection, tendinitis, and just a generally shitty feeling plagued him for much of his trip. And, though he did not join Icarus and I on this day, he plodded on partying like the seasoned-mongerer that he is. Of course, his various ailments gave him a great excuse to have his girlfriend baby him that much more.

Honeyko's was an okay way to start afternoon. However, the place was a little dead as Damien, the manager, was not working. If you have been there you know that there is a night and day difference in Honeyko’s when Damien is working. I saw several faces on-stage that I remembered from my last trip, but no one really peaked my interest. Icarus, on the other hand, found a naughty little tramp and took her up for short-time. I went to Fire and Ice.

During my past two trips, this was probably my second-favorite bar on the Perimeter. On this trip, it was just average. The dancers were not very attractive but there were several decent to good-looking waitresses. I went there several times, but never barfined anyone.

While I was finishing my beer in Fire and Ice a strange incident took place. I was minding my own business, listlessly watching the rather unattractive dancers when CRASH, a glass exploded on the floor on the other side of the bar. I didn’t think too much about it assuming that a waitress probably just dropped a glass. But then a couple of minutes later, CRASH, another glass explodes. This time, customers and girls on that side of the bar get up and start moving to my side. CRASH, a third glass bursts. Finally, I located the source. There was a table of VERY drunk guys in the back corner of the bar that included the manager of Fire and Ice, owner of Nasty Duck and several others. One of the guys just seemed to be tossing glasses across the bar. The craziest thing was no one in the bar seemed to be upset. Odd.

Icarus stumbled in a few minutes later and almost immediately had his tongue down some cute spinner waitress’ throat. If you haven’t had the pleasure of meeting Icarus, you are missing getting to know a good guy. He always has a smile and that “kid in the candy store” look on his face.

Shortly we received a text from Porker about meeting at Shano's for chow. As I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, I needed some food. After a bit, we headed out.

This is the first time I had been to Shano’s and I was impressed with the layout of the place. Porker and his girlfriend, Bud and his girlfriend and Icarus and I made up our little party. We were there pretty early so it wasn’t crowded. When making our orders another interesting, amusing, or infuriating (depending on your point of view) incident happened. Bud tried to order a glass of ice water – not bottled water – just a glass of ice water. They would not do it. Eventually he did get his water, but we had to put up a little stink for that to happen. Porker posted about this on another board and the owner said they quit serving water, because it was basically too expensive. Not a very customer-friendly policy in my book.

The food at Shano's appeared to be very good. I order a plate of nachos which were ok except they were covered with a chili sauce that kind tasted like the old Hormel canned chili. They were good eating but I remember thinking that, although good going down, they were going to come out rough. How little did I know that this fleeting thought would play an integral role in my evening.

After finishing our food, we all headed our separate ways. I went back to the hotel, changed shirts and headed out to Fields. First, I hit King of Diamonds. This is the new (since I’ve been to Angeles) bar that Mo built inside of Kokomo’s. It is REALLY small, but there were some cute girls there. After a beer, I decided to move on.

I stumbled down the street to Bedrock. On entering, it was immediately obvious that there was a party in full swing. Apparently there was some type of competition between the girls of Bedrock, Cambodia and Misty's. The girls from each bar were trying to sell most of these little flower necklaces for 20 pesos each. For each necklace the girl received, she got a 10-peso commission. For this measly ten pesos, these girls were willing to be VERY persuasive to try to get you to buy a necklace. It was a very fun atmosphere and, as a bonus, I got to scope out the girls from Cambodia and Misty’s without leaving the bar.

Icarus joined up later and quickly had a nasty (and I say that in the most positive way possible) little tequila girl trying to rape him in the bar. This was his last night in AC, so he quickly made the decision to BF “Officer Nasty” and headed out. Again, I cannot say enough good things about Icarus. He is a class act and a great guy to bar hop with. It was great to see you again!

Meanwhile, I had a little spinner waitress cornering my attention. Bedrock Spinner Waitress (BSW) told me a sob story about having formerly been a door girl at Bedrock, but being fired one day by the owner for being “too fat.” However, her kind mamasan snuck her back on the payroll as a waitress. Now this girl was tiny, probably 4’9” or 10” and a little hippy, but not fat. All-in-all, BSW was fun so I made the decision to barfine.

We went to Mo’s for a bite to eat and then stopped at Voodoo to see a friend of hers who worked there. Amazingly, I wasn’t asked to buy the friend a ladies’ drink. (Miracles do occur!) The friend was already in street clothes. Apparently she was not “feeling well” and had been barfined by some kind soul (read – sucker) so she could go home and rest. When she heard that we were barhopping, she asked if she could come along. “The more the merrier,” I thought, so this was no problem. The girls hadn’t been in Atlantis and I was curious to check it out so we headed over there.

This is where the tale takes an unexpected twist.

As we’re walking from Voodoo to Atlantis, I begin to notice an unpleasant pressure in my lower intestinal region – nothing really bad, just a greasy sensation.

We get to Atlantis and I am a bit surprised. The place is nice. I had read that the dancers were really separated from the customers and expected this to be a cavernous distance, but really it’s not. Although it is not my type of bar (too damn big), Atlantis could be useful as a stopping point on a barhop. We were seated down near the stage and I bought drinks for my girls and begin to scope out the girls on stage. There were quite a few cuties at this late hour (around 3:00 AM). Soon a couple of waitresses were forced on stage for some reason and this quickly developed into a make-shift dance off. Fairly lame, but good clean fun nonetheless.

One sad thing that I witnessed was some idiots (they looked Middle Eastern, but I could be wrong) were “making it rain” by throwing pesos off the 2nd floor balcony onto the stage below. It’s idiots like this that are going to ruin Angeles for the rest of us.

So, the drinks were flowing, my girls were getting really comfortable with each other and me, the place was hopping and I’m beginning to think about the possibility of a threesome.

But there’s that other “problem.”

That slightly greasy feeling in my intestinal region is becoming much more insistent. In fact, it’s becoming an irresistible force. Those goddamned nachos!

Remember that episode of Seinfeld when George is telling Jerry about this girl he was with and he was experiencing a similar irresistible force? He said something to the effect of that he knew he wasn’t going to have enough privacy and a sufficient buffer zone to make him comfortable enough to take care of business. Well, I’m having the same problem. I can’t take these girls back to my room with this evil boiling inside me. Let’s think this through. I’m an intelligent guy. I have several college degrees. There must be some alternative. Eureka! I have a solution – I think. I’ll just go to the bathroom at Atlantis. It’s a noisy bar – who gives a shit (no pun intended) what happens in the CR?

I gracefully excuse myself to go to the CR. Upon entry I’m feeling like Moses looking into the Promised Land, my journey has been completed. Only a few steps more and I will be saved. But wait, no paper!!! FFFFUUUUCCCCKKKK!

Now, I’m REALLY starting to get between a rock and a hard place. And, as Tony Kornheiser is fond of saying on PTI, “It’s go time, baby!”

I go back to my table and try to wait it out. My convoluted thought process now is that maybe this is just gas and my body will somehow absorb it.

But this ain’t just gas and it ain’t going to wait.

I do the only thing I can – I quickly apologize to the girls and tell them I have to go. I throw some money at the waitress and sprint back to the Swiss Chalet where I barely make it to the throne that has been my destiny this entire night. I literally spent the next 45 minutes on my throne while everything your body can make – liquid, solid, gas – is being ejected. I swear, I had one fart that was so long the gas must have been backed up to my esophagus. If I had a stopwatch and a witness, this would have made the Guinness Book of World Records for longest fart in the history of mankind.

In the end, it was a five-flush experience.

Basically, I threw away the possibility of a threesome and took a 1700 peso dump. It was a difficult decision to make, but in the end it was the correct one.

In relating this story to you, my humiliation is now complete.

When you have to "get african", it is always best to go back to your own place. imho.

EA
It was great to hang out with you again. Just sorry that our overlap was not longer. If this episode is anything to go by, I am going to have an enjoyable day reading the rest of your TR. Your 'Nacho's Revenge' account had me creased up!
Thanks for taking the trouble to write it up - there seems to have been something of a TR drought on this board recently.
Just to make you jealous, I am already plotting my return to AC, hopefully as soon as this May.

That is too funny, and I can relate to your GI distress. Had it many times myself in various countries. Glad to know I'm not the only one afflicted by such shit.

One tries very hard to calculate such needs into pussy-chasing activities, so the crapping doesn't affect the womanizing. Sure seems to take a disproportionate amount of time and energy sometimes.